Salinye Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 ...like REALLY REALLY could use some laughter... ~Salinye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annael Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 I will tell you a joke, but I will also use this opportunity to smother you in huggles and kisses cause I miss you so!!!!!!!! Now for the joke: There's a man riding a bicycle on the side of the road. There's a sparrow flying on the same path, directly at him. The man and bird collide, the bird being knocked unconscious from the impact. The biker gets off his bike, picks up the poor little bird and takes him home with him. At the house, the biker puts the birdie in a little cage with some bread and some water then rushes off to work. The bird wakes up after the biker had left and looks around. He sees the cage, he sees the bread, and he sees the water. The bird says..... "Oh no! I killed the biker!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 What did the ghost say to the bee? . . . . . . BOOOOO BEE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 Back in the days that wooden ships sailed the seas, there was a British ship by the name of The Iron Fist. A few short days after leaving Britain, the crew awoke in the morning to the cry of the lookout. "Enemy ship on the horizon!" The captain turned to his ensign and said "Ensign, get me my red shirt." The ensign was puzzled by this order, of course, but rather than questioning his captain, he fetched the red shirt. They then proceeded to defeat the enemy ship, without too much difficulty. The next day, the lookout woke them again. "Two Enemy ships on the horizon!" Once again, the captain sent for his red shirt, and once again, they defeated the enemy ships without loss of life. That night, at dinner, the ensign asked his captain "Why is it that before battle, you always send for your red shirt?" The captain replied "It is so that if I'm wounded in battle, the blood will not show, and the crew will continue to fight." A member of the crew happened to hear this, and the word spread throughout the crew overnight. They were all impressed to have a brave, sensible captain. The next morning passed without incident, but that night as they sat down to dinner once again, the lookout screamed. "Ten enemy ships approaching!" The ensign turned to the captain, awaiting the usual orders. The captain looked at the ensign. "Ensign... get me my brown pants." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Pointy One Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 Well, about five years back, Mr.Bunny and I are sitting down, trying to enjoy a decent meal for once when there's this knock on the door. I go to get the door, but no one was there. I look around, and all I see is this snail on my door mat. Bored, I pick up the snail and hurl it into the distance. Then, just the other day, Mr.Bunny and I are playing this game of checkers, when there's a knock at the door. I go to check who it is, there's no one there again except the snail. He looks up at me and says, "What was all that about?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Degenero Angelus Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 Jokes that don't need a punchline... A black republican walks into a bar.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 *Laughs* The two shortest books ever: Famous Jewish Astronauts. Ten Thousand Years of German Humor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salinye Posted September 26, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 Okay, I know I'm betraying my entire gender by telling this joke. If you tell anyone I told it, I'll deny it and say that Justin Silverblade hijacked my account. Why did they name PMS (pre menstral Syndrome) PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!!! BA DUM CHHHH Sorry, ladies, but I can relate and laughed good and hard!! *grins and hides* ~Salinye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 ... turns and looks at her daughters.. opens her mouth to say something.. decides on the better part of valour and closes her mouth again.. *giggle* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 Texan's guide to life Never squat with yer spurs on. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 You have to actually say this one out loud to get it! Pig misunderstanding Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aardvark Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 And God created Adam in his own image. and all was good. Then God went to Adam and said "My child, I have decided to create a companion for you. She shall be smart, capable of intellectual conversation, yet still more than willing to help you out wherever and whenever you need it. She shall be supportive, kind and faithful. The only problem is she'll cost you an arm and a leg" and Adam thought about this and said unto the Lord, "That's a little steep. What can I get for a rib?" --- And God createed woman with three breasts. And woman said undo the Lord, "What do I need three breasts for? I won't be having any litters. Two should be sufficient." And God said "Ahh, I made you wise and you have shown your wisdom. Very well then". And God removed the third breast and tossed it aside. Then woman said "So God, what do you plan to do with that useless boob?" Then God created Man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 The muffin Joke There were two muffins in the microwave. One muffin said to the other, "Gee! It's hot in here!" and the other cried, "OH MY GOD! IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 (No offense to Peredhil or Nyyark) If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? The one that's labeled "IDAHO" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 Man, I Feel Like A Woman I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?" The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. "I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said... "Iron this!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 2, 2003 Report Share Posted October 2, 2003 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick", said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.........." "The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted October 2, 2003 Report Share Posted October 2, 2003 An oldy but a goody; Three Proofs that Jesus Was... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH He went into his father's business He lived at home until he was 33 He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH He never got married He was always telling stories He loved green pastures THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN His first name was Jesus He was bilingual He was always being harassed by the authorities THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN He talked with his hands He had wine with every meal He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK He called everybody "brother" He liked Gospel He couldn't get a fair trial THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN He never cut his hair He walked around barefoot He started a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 2, 2003 Report Share Posted October 2, 2003 Scared sleeping Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 3, 2003 Report Share Posted October 3, 2003 (edited) My mom sent me this one: During my freshman year at East Texas State University in Commerce, I worked nights as a waiter. The following year, wanting my evenings free, I applied for a dormitory maintenance job and was asked, "How are you on punctuality?" "Oh, I'm good at that," I blurted out without thinking. "I'm an English major." Edited October 10, 2003 by Ayshela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 3, 2003 Report Share Posted October 3, 2003 Miscellaneous terms Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tralla Posted October 4, 2003 Report Share Posted October 4, 2003 The Old Man and Young Man An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it." The definition of "waste": a busload of economists plunging over a precipice with three of the seats unoccupied. ECONOMIST VALENTINES: 1. YOU RAISE MY INTEREST RATE THIRTY BASIS POINTS WITHOUT A CORRESPONDING DROPOFF IN CONSUMER ENTHUSIASM 2. DESPITE A DECADE OF INFLATION, I STILL DIG YOUR SUPPLY CURVE 3. FURTHER STIMULUS COULD RESULT IN UNCONTROLLED EXPANSION Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it. Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Proud Catholic Mothers Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their sons are. The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" > She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!" Sign Language.. I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?!" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?!?" I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, What?!?" I repeated the gestures. "EYE KNEE-THE RAKE"... My wife nods her head that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH" Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted October 4, 2003 Report Share Posted October 4, 2003 The Cabaret Room gradually falls into silence as the lights darken and a single spotlight falls onto a stage located at the center of the chamber. Cricket chirps are heard throughout the hall as Wyvern makes his way up to the microphone stand... The sounds quickly die out, however, as the crickets leave after not being paid their chirping fees. Grabbing the microphone and causing it to emit a very loud and irritating screech of distortion in the process, Wyvern speaks up and says: "Thank you, thank you... there's no need to clap your hands on your ears like that, you're too kind! Anyhow, I wanted to thank everyone for coming out this evening, and hope you guys are ready for some awesome jokes." With that, Wyvern whips out a book entitled Almost Dragonic Brand Jokes and several members in the audience groan. Flipping through the pages of the book, the overgrown lizard comes across a particular joke and exclaims: "Oh, you guys are gonna love this one... Why did Zool's rubber chicken cross the road?" Silence envelopes the hall for a moment, then Wyvern answers: "Because he saw a female chicken on the other side, and wanted to rub her! Get it? Rubher!" Many people in the audience groan again. Some faint and collapse, others run out of the room screaming in horror. Wyvern flips to the next page of the book. "Here's another one... what did Valdar say to Brute when he was feeling down on his luck?" Another silence envelopes the crowd as they wait in suspense for the lizard's horrible response. Finally, Wyvern answers: "'ear, have another point of booze!" The majority of the crowd grits their teeth while booing and hissing, some searching for projectile weapons to toss... "No, but seriously folks, you're gonna love this one... so, a priest, an Elder Dwarf, and Lord of the Gay are sitting in a bar-" Wyvern is interrupted as a large tomatoe is tossed on stage. This is followed by a package of brussel sprouts, a pineapple, a miniature piano, a grand piano, five sabre-hoof-wielding samurai sheep, and a partridge in a pear tree. All of the items hit Wyvern dead on and knock him off the stage, causing him to fall into an endless pit of bloodthirsty Almost Dragonic Brand Jokebook editors. Wyvern screams as the crowd- The text suddenly cuts off as the regularly aired post is replaced by a peacefull nature picture with the word CENSORED written at the top of it. An owl wearily turns it's head as a familiar screaming is heard far off in the background. ;-p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted October 4, 2003 Report Share Posted October 4, 2003 Now THAT was funny! And well Role-Played too! Peredhil stands and cheers, stomping his feet and applauding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snypiuer Posted October 4, 2003 Report Share Posted October 4, 2003 One of my favorites: A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of tequila and a beer." The bartender looks at the ham and cheese sandwich and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here." Hello, anyone still there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted October 4, 2003 Report Share Posted October 4, 2003 My favorite bar joke: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Elvis, and an old Bum walk into a bar together... The bartender takes one look at them and demands "What is this, a Joke?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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