Savannah Posted October 6, 2003 Report Share Posted October 6, 2003 After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valdar and Astralis Posted October 6, 2003 Report Share Posted October 6, 2003 So a warrior and a ranger walk into a bar. LOADING, PLEASE WAIT... *crickets* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 7, 2003 Report Share Posted October 7, 2003 *giggle* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted October 7, 2003 Report Share Posted October 7, 2003 *Gyrfalcon chuckles* Ah, always worth checking in for a good laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 7, 2003 Report Share Posted October 7, 2003 Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn! Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt. Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs. Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again. Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog. One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 You know? I'm really glad you found your way to us. Your unflagging sense of humor is refreshing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 i'll second that!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 ROFL Savannah! A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex." In unison they all replied, "You win!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 (edited) Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come". -------- A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be. Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart" So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?" And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!" --------------- A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. --------------------- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." --------------------- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." -------------------- There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer. Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure. So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work. Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen." Edited October 8, 2003 by Rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. > > Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. > > Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of > > nothing. > > Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. > > Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. > > All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a > > substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? > > In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. > > Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. > > How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? > > AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these > > Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these > > expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to > > Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all > > over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 (edited) This might have come from here, I dont remember where I got it. Its pretty funny tho. http://www.ironycentral.com/archives/babyvol/babyvol1.html Here are the other parts of it: http://www.ironycentral.com/babymain.html Edited October 8, 2003 by Rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 8, 2003 Report Share Posted October 8, 2003 Why do they call the Pacific Northwest God's country? Because you walk on water nine months out of the year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 10, 2003 Report Share Posted October 10, 2003 (edited) Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?" Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" Edited October 10, 2003 by Savannah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 10, 2003 Report Share Posted October 10, 2003 (edited) What a southerner knows The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess. What general direction cattywumpus is. That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar. When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long. The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store. Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits. A good dog is worth its weight in gold. Real gravy don't come from the store. The War of Northern Aggression was over states rights, not slavery. When "by and by" is. The difference between "pert' near" and "a right fur piece." Edited October 13, 2003 by Savannah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted October 10, 2003 Report Share Posted October 10, 2003 Hugs I'm so glad you keep coming back with these to give me a smile. Haven't had a lot of posting time lately, but wanted to make a special effort to let you know I'm reading and you're making my day brighter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamaranis Posted October 11, 2003 Report Share Posted October 11, 2003 Two nuns are driving down the highway when, suddenly, the devil appears on the hood of their car! The nun who is driving begins to swerve back and forth in an effort to dislodge him. "Quick, show him your cross!" shouts the other nun. The nun who is driving rolls down the window and yells "Hey, Devil! Piss off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted October 11, 2003 Report Share Posted October 11, 2003 *Ahem* A buddhist monk walks into Pizza Hut and says, "Make me one with everything." Ow! OW! No frozen tomatoes, please!! OW!!! /me runs offstage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragonqueen Posted October 11, 2003 Report Share Posted October 11, 2003 A amazingly bad joke, but still one of my favorites... What did the mushroom say when his girlfriend dumped him? Come on, I'm a fun guy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 14, 2003 Report Share Posted October 14, 2003 Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted October 14, 2003 Report Share Posted October 14, 2003 HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL: 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 1. Wrap it in cheese. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted October 16, 2003 Report Share Posted October 16, 2003 *laughs* But if you didn't have to go through all those extra steps, finally getting your cat to swollow the pill and keep it down would hold so much less meaning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 16, 2003 Report Share Posted October 16, 2003 *laughs* kinda like "how to give a cat a bath" eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 16, 2003 Report Share Posted October 16, 2003 This is like, so totally corny, that I could not resist: There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted October 16, 2003 Report Share Posted October 16, 2003 Since the French are famous for their snail eating activities, it reminded me of this one. The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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