Peredhil Posted October 16, 2003 Report Share Posted October 16, 2003 one more quickly... I fondly remember my first 35mm camera. I was so attached to it I even named it. I called it "F. Stop Fitzgerald." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 22, 2003 Report Share Posted October 22, 2003 Funny stuff Peredhil Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." OOOOOOOOOO that was really bad. Lets try this: Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched. What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!" Hmmmmmm-not much better. See how ya like this: A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 23, 2003 Report Share Posted October 23, 2003 (edited) *giggle* Here's one... The Drunk Poem Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell are you I think. I'm not under what you call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm just a little slort of sheep, I'm not drunk like thinkle peep. I don't know who is me yet, But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, 'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. listens to the sound of silence. no? well, how about this? A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her her drink she says "it's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you." As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one." The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water." Edited October 23, 2003 by Ayshela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted October 23, 2003 Report Share Posted October 23, 2003 Way too funny! Both the poem and the story were brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted November 1, 2003 Report Share Posted November 1, 2003 For Halloween Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her down stairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise. He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up. Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master, "Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted November 1, 2003 Report Share Posted November 1, 2003 oh..... grooooooooooaaaaaannnnnnn..... lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salinye Posted November 7, 2003 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2003 Quick! What's this??? VROOOOMMMMM UUURRRCHHHHH VROOOOMMMMM UUURRRCCCHHHHH VROOOOOMMMM UUUUUURRRRCHHHHH A blonde at a blinking stop light. *grins* BA DUM CHHH ~Salinye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted November 7, 2003 Report Share Posted November 7, 2003 *laughing* WhooHoo-those are really good! A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it. Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer. The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?" The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that." "Comfortable?" the guy questions. "Yes, you see she reads slow." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted November 8, 2003 Report Share Posted November 8, 2003 Hmm. This could be a little Rude, but... A bus full of exceedingly Ugly people was traveling down the Interstate Highway when it was involved in a head-on collison with a large heavily-laden truck, which instantly killed everyone on the bus. In arriving at the entrance to heaven, they were met by Jesus, who, inconsideration of their life of Ugly-induced suffering, offered each of them one wish before entering. The first hesitated not a moment, but burst out loudly with, "I want to be GORGEOUS!" Jesus snapped his fingers and it happened faster than the eye can wink. The next person, on hearing the wish and seeing the result, said, "I want to be gorgeous too!" with the same results. This continued down the line, with each one stepping forward Ugly and stepping away with individual beauty beyond compare. But as Jesus granted the wishes and the line made its way to him, he noticed the man at the very end was laughing. As Jesus progressed through the Ugly, the closer he came to the end, the harder the man laughed. The laughter was contagious and the Ugly before the man started smiling and chuckling quietly, as the Ugly do when they didn't get the joke. Finally, the man, with aching ribs and teary eyes, stepped up for his wish. It took him a few minute to compose himself, while Jesus waited patiently. With only small irrepressible chuckles, the man laughed forth his wish. "I wish they were all Ugly!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted November 18, 2003 Report Share Posted November 18, 2003 Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. So every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid. Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town. A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything. When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for. All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 6, 2004 Report Share Posted January 6, 2004 Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted January 6, 2004 Report Share Posted January 6, 2004 Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'" The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted January 6, 2004 Report Share Posted January 6, 2004 *grooooooooaaaaaaaaans* *staggers away giggling* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigil StarGazer Posted January 7, 2004 Report Share Posted January 7, 2004 men thinks computers should be refered to as female because: 1) No one but the creator understands their internal logic. 2) The language they use is incomprehensible 3) The message "Bad command or file name" is as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm so not gonna tell you." 4) Your smallest mistake goes into long term memory women thinks computer should be refered to as male because: 1) They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless 2) They are suppose to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem 3) as soon as you are commited to one, you realized if you wait a bit longer you could obtain a better model 4) In order to get their attention you have to turn them on This is a transmission of the US Navy with the Canadian costal guards on 1993: US: You are at a collusion course with our vessels, please change your course 15 degrees north to avoid our ships. Canadian Costal guards: You are at a collusion course. Please change your course 15 degrees south to avoid collusion US:I repeat. You ar at a collusion course with our vesseles, please heed this warning and change your course 15 degrees north to avoid collusion with our ships. Canadiian Costal Guard: Please Kindly change your course 15 degrees south or collusion is imminent US: This is the USS Aircraft Carrier Linclon. We wre the second lagest ship on the Alantic Seas. Our convey include 3 destroyers, 7 cruisers, and numorous other militant vessels. Please change your course 15, or one-five degrees north or we will take defensive actions. Canadian costal guard: This is the Lighthouse, It's your call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted January 7, 2004 Report Share Posted January 7, 2004 Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 7, 2004 Report Share Posted January 7, 2004 The Twelve Days of the Eurocentrically Imposed Midwinter Festival 17th Century Ancient 21st Century Modern On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: On the first day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting, monogamous adult relationship gave to me: A partridge in a pear tree One spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree Two turtle doves Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree bark Three French hens Three non-endangered PETA-approved “Freedom” species of concern Four calling birds Four hours of recorded whale songs Five golden rings Five cubic zirconiums that symbolize culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration Six geese a-laying Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products Seven swans a-swimming Seven endangered swans swimming on Federally protected wetlands Eight maids a-milking Eight economically disadvantaged female La Leche League supporters stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans Nine ladies dancing Nine women engaged in rhythmic self-expression without using poles while playing ZZ Top songs Ten Lords a-leaping Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system hurdling for joy at the thought of the new tax breaks Eleven pipers piping Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note) Twelve drummers drumming Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming and smoking sage Merry Christmas! Seasons Greetings! Happy Holidays! Happy Chanukah! Good Kwanzaa! Joyous Ramadan! Blessed Yule! Merry Christmas, unless otherwise prohibited by law. Or if you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD), please feel free to substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 7, 2004 Report Share Posted January 7, 2004 Subject: Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer Translation: This song consists of folk-lore translated for the Politically Correct Reader. Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate, Original: Had a very shiny nose ... Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre. Original: And if you ever saw him ... Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view, Original: You would even say it glows ... Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities. Original: All of the other reindeer ... Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community, Original: Used to laugh and call him names ... Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable. Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ... Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species. Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ... Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year... Original: Santa came to say ... Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the super-saturated, humid air. Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ... Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic. Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist. Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ... Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship. Original: And they shouted out with glee ... Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor, Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage, Original: You'll go down in history! Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quincunx Posted January 19, 2004 Report Share Posted January 19, 2004 Democrats make better lovers--whoever heard of a good piece of elephant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". ~Eleanor Roosevelt Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea . . . visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir . . . mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~Les Dawson By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with. Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted January 23, 2004 Report Share Posted January 23, 2004 ooh those were absolutely briiliant Peredhil! *Appy holds her belly from laughing so much* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 23, 2004 Report Share Posted January 23, 2004 *disclaimer: These were sent to me by a blonde niece, who collects blonde jokes. If blonde jokes offend you, feel free to substitute the media's last safe target as demonstrated by TV Sit-Coms: Males, most particularly Fathers.* ~~~~ A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. _________________________________________ The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock. ____________________________________________ This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." __________________________________________ Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." ____________________________________________ A man is recovering from genital surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" ____________________________________________ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." ____________________________________________ Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She! replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say any bad words after it!" ____________________________________________ If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? The one that's labeled "IDAHO" ____________________________________________ Along that line (since I'm originally from Idaho) Congress recently disapproved splitting Washington, Idaho, the US of A's fifth largest state into three parts, which plan was designed to better represent the different climates and cultural groups in the state by merging the split pieces with their counterparts in Washington State and Utah. The groupings would've kept central Idaho as Idaho, and western Washington as Washington. The plan fell through on hearing the new state names. The northern panhandle of Idaho would've been merged with eastern Washington to create Washaho, while southern Idaho would've merged with Utah to form Utaho. Idaho, Utah, Washaho were deemed too much like whorehouse conversation. __________________________________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted January 29, 2004 Report Share Posted January 29, 2004 A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted February 1, 2004 Report Share Posted February 1, 2004 Unauthorized Activity This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response.......but read the letter before you get to the response........ *************************** Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division ******************* This is the actual response sent back........ Dear Mr. Price, Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L.Tvedten :dragon4: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted February 15, 2004 Report Share Posted February 15, 2004 A little boy and a little girl are talking on the playground. "My daddy is a fireman, what is yours" the little boy asks "My dad is Bill Gates" She says "Honest?" "No i didnt say that" Did you hear NASA just launched some cows into space? It was the herd shot round the world A man has ten puns so he enters them into a p8n contest. He is hoping at least one will win but sadly no pun in ten did Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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