Xaious, Master of Time Posted February 15, 2004 Report Share Posted February 15, 2004 Here's a couple, or so: Government. Military Intelligence. My cat rolled off the windowsille, only to climb back on to fall once more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted February 15, 2004 Report Share Posted February 15, 2004 two eskimos are paddling along in a kayak when they begin to get cold so they build a fire to keep warm. but sadly thier boat cathes fire and they sink, proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and heat it too. two men are walking along in the woods when they come across a large hole in the ground. one man picks up a large rock and drops it in. and they dont hear a sound so they get a bigger rock and throw that one in and still they hear no sound so they look around and find a heavy railroad tie and lug it over to the hole and drop it in no sound Just then a goat comes running at them 60 MPH and dives head first into the hole and there is STILL no sound well pretty soon a farmer comes along and asks them "Either of you guys seen my goat?" "Well," says one of the guys, "we just saw a goat fall into this hole here" "Naw, that couldn't have been him, my goat was tied to a railroad tie" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damon Inferel Posted February 16, 2004 Report Share Posted February 16, 2004 I heard it on The Weakest Link from a Jay Leno impersonator... A child was born in china with three eyes. It's been proven. Lenscrafters called and said they could make a set of glasses for him... in an hour and a half. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted February 17, 2004 Report Share Posted February 17, 2004 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. 3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valdar and Astralis Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Ripped from guild website. . . (>PG-13) Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'" Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece ---------------------------------------------------------- Clear As A Bell Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in deep financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their! own stock. They decide that the brunette sister should go to the stockyards over in the next county to check out the available stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her blonde sister, "When I get there, if I do decide to buy a bull, I'll call you to drive over after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyards, inspects several bulls, and finally decides on a fine specimin. The man tells her that he will sell the bull she has chosen for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive over here with the trailer so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then politely adds, "It will only cost 99 cents per word." The brunette is shocked. After having paid for the bull, she only has $ 1 left. She quickly realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her just the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive all the way over here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word "comfortable" is rather long. She'll read it very slowly.....com-for-da-bul." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Fred and Jane are celebrating their 25th aniversery with all of thier friends, after everyone leaves. They sit down on the couch and Jane punches Fred on the shoulder and says, "That's for 25 years of bad sex" Fred thinks about it and then turns and punches Jane on the shoulder and says, "That's for knowin the difference" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted February 23, 2004 Report Share Posted February 23, 2004 A lady was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button." A passerby foolishly asked what she was doing. She quickly pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice." ~~~ A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." ~~~ A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men. They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" "Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male." ~~~~ Two cows standing next to each other in a field were having a discussion. Daisy says to Dolly, "I just gave birth the other day." "I don't believe you," Dolly replied. "But it's udderly true. I really was decaffeinated," exclaimed Daisy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 12, 2004 Report Share Posted March 12, 2004 One day a frog named Kermit Jagger wanted to get a bank loan, so he walked into the bank, and sat down at the loan officer's desk. "I'd like a loan, please," said Kermit to Patty Black, the loan officer. "And, by the way, my name is Kermit Jagger, and I am the son of the famous rock singer of the Rolling Stones...you know, Mick Jagger." "What do you have as collateral for the loan?" asked Patty Black. "Well, I have this," replied Kermit, taking an object out of his pocket and placing it on Patty Black's desk. Patty picked up the object and looked at closely. "What is it?" she asked Freddie Frog. "Why, it's a small statuette!" he replied. Patty Black wasn't sure what to do. She was fairly new to her job as loan officer, and she didn't know if she could take a figurine as collateral for a loan. She decided she'd better ask the bank manager what to do. "Excuse me for a moment," she said to Kermit. "I must ask the bank manager if we can accept your statuette as collateral for your loan." "I'll wait right here," he replied. Patty Black walked over to the bank manager's office, and sat down at his desk. "I have a customer at my desk asking for a loan," she said to the bank manager, "who claims to be the son of Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones." "Well you are the loan officer," said the bank manager, "Shouldn't he come to you for a loan?" "Yes," replied Patty Black, "but that's not the problem." "Well, what is it?" asked the bank manager, starting to get a little annoyed. The bank manager had a short temper and was easily annoyed. "This is the collateral he wants to use for the loan that's the problem," said Patty Black. "He wants to use this." She showed Kermit's figurine to the bank manager. "No problem," said the bank manager, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rollin' Stone!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted March 15, 2004 Report Share Posted March 15, 2004 Funny Thoughts Where did hamsters live before we put them in cages as a pet? Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone? Why do they have the back pain medicine on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy? They have a show called "Unsolved Mysteries." What other kind of mysteries are there? Do they make coffins wider for dead fat people or is it a 1 size fits all kind of thing? If Santa lives at the North Pole... where does the Easter bunny live? Does Jell-o EVER go bad? There usually isn’t an expiration date on it? When the person who writes the obituaries dies, who writes their obituary? Why do old men have hair in their ears? Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts? If bunnies don't lay eggs why is it on Easter that we hide eggs from the Easter Bunny? Why are things typed up but written down? How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet? Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing? In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end? If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound? If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? What does OK actually mean? what does the K in K-mart actually stand for? Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down? Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner? Why do donuts have holes? Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other? Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning? Is light still faster than sound when it's going through your TV, and if so, when you get a live broadcast from China or something shouldn't all the sounds come after the actions? Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different? If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days? If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard? If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles? Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill? Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"? Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille? How do you handcuff a one-armed man? Why is the abbreviation for pound lb. when l or b isn't in the word pound? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted May 25, 2004 Report Share Posted May 25, 2004 A Cherokee Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy; he built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize. Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses. Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"? "It's simple", replied the warrior. "The sons of the squaws of the two hides is equal to the squaw of the hippopotamus." ~~~ During the great Australian tea famine, a small town called Mercy developed a tea made from koala bears. It became a great hit and was famous all across the continent. One day a man was down from Sydney and decided to try a cup of this famous beverage. When it came he was disgusted to find bits of fur and flesh floating in it. He asked the waiter if they couldn't somehow filter it. The waiter replied,"The koala tea of Mercy is not strained". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted June 16, 2004 Report Share Posted June 16, 2004 This really should not be buried for so long: Subject: Sweet Revenge After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited afew half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....including the curtain rods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 16, 2004 Report Share Posted June 16, 2004 A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. She sells C cells by the sea shore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted June 27, 2004 Report Share Posted June 27, 2004 From some "joke of the day" site. I think it's pretty good... It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted August 31, 2004 Report Share Posted August 31, 2004 This is also found in the Library, but more people read here then there. Enjoy. This post from another forum was directed to my attention, and I decided to share it with you. WARNING: Do not drink anything while reading this. You have been warned! Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won’t Patrol Brice Street) Author: Daniel Meyer Posted: 10/26/2003; 7:17:42 PM Topic: Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won’t Patrol Brice Street) Msg #: 287 (top msg in thread) Prev/Next: 286/288 Reads: 210792 I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power curve”. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle…at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine. I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect… As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close. I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well…I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle…my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger… That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car… I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves. CUAgain, Daniel Meyer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted August 31, 2004 Report Share Posted August 31, 2004 A dog and his master go on a holiday to Africa. One day, while his master is snoozing in his tent, the dog goes for a wander across the plains. Eventually be becomes lost. Crap, the dog thinks, now what do I do? He then notices behind him that there is a lion creeping towards him. Looking around in a panic, the dog spots a decaying carcass a few feet away from him. Hunching over the carcass, the dog begins to munch on the bones and meat, pretending he hasn't seen the approaching cat. When he judges that the lion is close enough to hear him, the dog says allowed: "Boy, what a tasty lion! I wonder if there's any more around..." Shocked by what he had just heard, and not having ever seen a dog before, the lion high tailed it out of the area, thanking his lucky stars that he hadn't disturbed the evil creature that had been eating one of his friends. A monkey watches all this from a nearby tree and thinks to himself, this could be useful to me. Hopping down from the tree, the monkey sets off after the lion. Catching up with the big cat, the monkey exchanges his knowledge for the guarantee that he won't be eaten. Extremely annoyed and embarrassed that he had been tricked, the lion was determined to go and extract revenge. Back where the dog was still sitting, idly wondering what to do, the dog notices the lion returning. When he sees the monkey sitting on the lion's back, the dog realises his trick must have been found out. He then gets an idea... Sitting with his back to the approaching beasts, again pretending he hasn't seen them, the dog waits until they are close enough to hear before letting out a huge sigh. "I wish that monkey would hurry up! I sent him to go find me another lion an hour ago!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oxygen Posted September 6, 2004 Report Share Posted September 6, 2004 I heard this one a long time ago on the radio, but it's still my favorite: What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman on PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted October 29, 2004 Report Share Posted October 29, 2004 Even more clues you could be a Redneck... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. Your dog goes "oink!" You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts. You know how to milk a goat. Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. You have a refrigerator just for beer. You come back from the dump with more than you took. Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda! shorts. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves. The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle." You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xaious, Master of Time Posted October 29, 2004 Report Share Posted October 29, 2004 Even more clues you could be a Redneck... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Done that before.. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. Sometimes... You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. All the time... Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. Yeah..... You come back from the dump with more than you took. *tries to whistle innocently* You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. It's not the best, but it's up there... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves. No, but only becaue I don't have a dog... The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle." ...*vanishes for a second*.. Thanks for reminding me... Also: What does OK actually mean? 0 Killed. Why is the abbreviation for pound lb. when l or b isn't in the word pound? I don't recall exactly, but it has to do with like the old latin word for it or something....something about the original word.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
methinkshard Posted October 30, 2004 Report Share Posted October 30, 2004 hi evryone im new my name is jake and i have a good joke at lwast i think its good im a 17 year old wanna be writter i've been around the block a time or two, i moved from florida to fort belvoir virginia and from there to salt lake city and from there to mountain home idaho. the only way i know about this sight is because my friend mike told me bout it a couple of years ago............ oh yesh a joke hmmmmmmmmmm a man walked into a bar...............................hehehe. bet that hurt a little Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted October 30, 2004 Report Share Posted October 30, 2004 I heard a pretty funny one the other day, except I think it might be true. I heard that Haiti is going to invade the US and install a Democracy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xaious, Master of Time Posted October 31, 2004 Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE! A dyslexic man walked into a bra. And of course: A Elf, a human, and a half-orc walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it. =P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted November 8, 2004 Report Share Posted November 8, 2004 A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted November 9, 2004 Report Share Posted November 9, 2004 There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows - - separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the cows would grab them and pull them over to their side. At that point, they would kick the llamas around - - using them like soccer balls, or worse! The moral of the story? Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cryptomancer Posted November 10, 2004 Report Share Posted November 10, 2004 What do you call a donkey with one leg? A wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love? A bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love, and farting? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love, and farting, wearing blue suede shoes? A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love, and farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing a piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love, and farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing a piano, driving a bus? Talented. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted May 5, 2005 Report Share Posted May 5, 2005 Most people know how you stop sand erosion. You simply wait for an extremly hot day with cycloic winds and then spread fishing nets on the sand. But most people don't know that this technique has a name: A bakin' lattice and tornado sand ridge. ~~~~~ My kids are studying a fungus in science. I think it's a good way to mold young minds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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