Peredhil Posted February 27, 2003 Report Share Posted February 27, 2003 You call me crying on the phone What am I to feel? The lies, the tears, the resolutions to change All seem quite unreal. The painful past is slightly numb It's really pity in my voice I don't wish you any harm but you're reaping from your choice. I'd offer reassurances again but they seem rather lame until the problem goes away things will stay the same. I really wish you well m'dear and hope you find your way you've walked wide-eyed in this path and always had your say. this isn't meant to come off as cold this is exhaustion come at last too late to complain of choices freely made when present consequences inevitably come from the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondemoon Posted February 27, 2003 Report Share Posted February 27, 2003 Well said Peredhil.. *hugs* all words and actions have their consequences, be they good or ill.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaneus Posted February 27, 2003 Report Share Posted February 27, 2003 You have a great one here Pered. I really like the way it sounds. For some reason it just sounds great and has a natural, almost, beauty to it. Gret work Pered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted February 27, 2003 Report Share Posted February 27, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted February 27, 2003 Report Share Posted February 27, 2003 Some poems come across as real. This one does. It's awesome! Interesting title, because it leaves it unclear who's beign forgiven at first. By the time one is part way through the poem one understands, but I liek that. Mainly though, I think the really incredible thing about this poem is that the speaker's words and emotions are just so right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seii Posted February 27, 2003 Report Share Posted February 27, 2003 I think this poem might have personal applications to me in the near future, unfortunately. I do like it, however. Especially the line about, "...exhaustion come at last". I can relate to that line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted February 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2003 This was a 'gut' post, I just kinda blurted it out and left it. Given that it is drawing responses, I feel I should actually try to tighten it up. This sort of repost/retry thing rightly belongs in the Writer's Workshop, but I'm hesitant to edit the original poem because that WAS how I felt - at that precise moment. I apologize for the repost down here at the bottom, but I'm hoping to tighten it up, correct the meter, count the syllables, tweak the alliteration and tongue position transitions, etc, etc. To me, rereading, it seems as if the rhymes get weaker as they go, and the ending somewhat tapers off and lacks resolution - which I think I'll keep. Issues of this type often DO lack resolution and the closure so important to human minds... Anyway. Forgiven - Version 2, the Literary try. You call me crying on the phone, What am I to feel? Lies, tears, resolutions to change, All seem quite unreal. Our painful past's gone slightly numb Hear pity in my voice? I do not wish you any harm: Sorrows grow from your choice. Try reassurances again? They just seem rather lame. Symptoms grow and erupt in pain, If problem stays the same. I really wish you well m'dear And hope you find your way. You walked wide-eyed into this path - cold bed in which you lay. Sorry if this comes off as cold - This is exhaustion come at last. We could complain of choices made Or seek futures from our past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katiya Posted February 28, 2003 Report Share Posted February 28, 2003 Great job, Peredhil...you could have written that poem for me! Hehe. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted February 28, 2003 Report Share Posted February 28, 2003 Why does this seem like a blink 182 song to me? It's good, but I hate that group. Well, mostly 'cept for a few songs. I don't know if I like the first or second version more... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondemoon Posted February 28, 2003 Report Share Posted February 28, 2003 I'm not sure which I like more either, the first version or the second. I'm leaning more towards the first though, because it was such a "gut post", as you put it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 1, 2003 Report Share Posted March 1, 2003 (edited) ... i like the second one better... awesome work... like the reworking of last two lines: We could complain of choices made Or seek futures from our past. ...i strive for similar... revery the dreamlost "still blocked" the dream continues... Edited March 1, 2003 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 11, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2003 Commentary thread in Critic's Corner here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted March 11, 2003 Report Share Posted March 11, 2003 You are such a good writer. Im glad to see you posting. *huggles* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tattered Posted August 29, 2003 Report Share Posted August 29, 2003 I was looking back through entries from some time ago and came across this special one. Really, so many people here have work that gets commented on and later forgotten... Sad, but true. I think this one is especially good beacuse, it's real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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