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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

reverie

Poet
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    2,099
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About reverie

  • Rank
    the dreamlost
  • Birthday 03/31/1978

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://www.honeasmedicalqigong.com/
  • ICQ
    0

Profile Information

  • Location
    Berkeley
  • Interests
    Qigong, Chinese Medicine

Previous Fields

  • Characters
    revery, castle, fountain, bally, quest, Decoy a.k.a. The Mighty Lawn Dart, Trace Dreamlost...
  • Race/Gender Details
    hybrid: multiracial American Asian / Caucasian :)
  • Bio
    I'm only slightly out of focus.
  • Feedback Level
    Feel free to tear my work to shreds. A short note on the feedback I offer you, my fellow pen member: I offer you simply my impressions of your work. I am not saying that I am right and that you are wrong, merely what I took from it and what I think could help. I do this only for the sake of perspective. You can either accept or disregard my suggestions as you please for I am no sage and am prone to error just like any other mortal. This took me a while to get: It's not about defending or even agreeing or disagreeing, it's about listening to what was heard or mis-heard and why.
  • Geld
    50
  • Pen Job(s)
    Mentor: Poetry, College Concerns, and Military Matters
  • Usual Preferred Feedback (Stories)
    Minor feedback
  • Usual Preferred Feedback (Poems)
    Minor feedback
  1. Rules are made to be broken Question to ask is what does the syllable count serve? Is it consistant throughout for the sake of meter (I'm terrible at formal meter schemes btw, they completely go over my head), or is it more of loose guideline. If more formal, you can also deviate from the form for effect. I read a Scottish poet, once that did that with an english sonnet. It was like, I can play your game, but here's one better too.
  2. reverie

    Hope for Dawn

    The days all mix together, With dreams of days past. My smiles and my tears, My hopes and my fears. (nice, not sure why, but it just works, ya know) What worth is left in life these, days? An emptiness that, An emptiness that (The god of Pathos, says go for it, and let it linger, as you shake you're head and smirk a little when you say it on stage) A new day dawns, (Not sure, how you're doing it, but you're making it work. It takes something really genuine to make a cliche work for you, ya know) Bright and promising. Should I hope, for better things? (tweak) When everything is dark, Any light seems bright. (tweak) Is it a false dawn, Or the thing for which, I dare not hope?
  3. This is pure gold. Nice ending. Didn't think you would go for dramatic incompetent (begs the reading to complete) ending, which is why it works so well. Title could maybe be revised. No suggestions, just feels like something else could rest there too. interim i haven't thought about you for days except when motorcycles ripped up the road at eight when the doctor called in anger at nine when lawyers wrote the custody papers at ten when the internet spread your news at eleven when our daughter had her birthday at twelve when i had my breakdown at (slight tweak)
  4. Agreed. But have you considered this? Silence for so long But fond memories return Never gone for good * * * cheers, rev...
  5. Speaking of bent spoons. Why not just bend it, nix the "a" article, and make more mysterious like so: Three times draw Savador's rune in beeswax with orange dye. Scrape the floor with bent spoon (Nixing the "a) and neglect not a touch of lye. * * * hooray for creative RPG-geeEEEE--poemy making magics!!! I'm not a witch. I'm a lord of balance, Muuuhhahahahahahahah!!!
  6. Hmm, as you say, 'tis a fragment, it will be interesting to see if you do more with it. But, have you considered this. Am not saying do it, but having fun with structure while brainstorming is well...fun. Original The thrill of the kill That familiar chill Down your spine * * * Lala The thrill of the kill that familiar down your spine chill even more fun: The trill of the kill (that will mess with them. Heck, that's fodder for a whole poem there)
  7. The Writer jumbled thoughts jotted down fragments of a perfect vision (try nixing the "a", and add "perfected vison"; shifts it a little, huh?) shaking hands unfaithful transcribers scribes (efficiency is your strength, embrace it young Hemingway) of something perfect (no need to lay it on too thick for people) a second hand retelling (phrasing, it's all about phrasing) of a vivid imagination (works as is, but hmmm, if you want to stretch a little, try "of a vivid imagined" / "of a vivid imagined thing" breaking the rules is half the fun) a unfaithful story (works as is, but my edits make it yearn for an article here, yours may do otherwise) imperfect
  8. Original to amuse a muse one must digress into extra-curricular randomness. * * * Perfect, don't change a thing, except maybe you could lose the period, maybe; I don't know, I'm not convinced. cheers, rev...
  9. Hmm, this almost riddle, let's make it even more almost one using that goldie, but oldie, "make the last line refer back to the title." It begs for completion, like an incomplete perfect authentic cadence in music, people automatically want to complete it in their head. Add in something unexpected and unknown, and you create pleasure as brain tries to wrap it's head around this novel thing you put before it. So saith the NPR. cheers, rev... Original She's a bit fickle And doesn't tickle Very often my suggests / edits Often (title) She's a bit fickle And doesn't tickle
  10. Original Away the faint drizzle of rain as your blood drains - drains away thunder is near pounding in your ears - pounding away prospects are slim as your vision dims -going away * * * my suggest / edits Away the faint drizzle as blood drains and drains (doesn't really make sense, but instinct says it will pay) and drains thunder is near, pounding, pounding in your ears prospects slim as your vision dims, going away
  11. Titles are tools, play with them. I am say embrace this minimalist style. You have knack for it. Original thunder again the sound rolls by lightning strikes far in the eastern sky -smells of rain My suggest / edits Eastern Skies thunder again lightning strike -smells of rain
  12. Original Inspiration like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze a spark gives newfound life to a soaring flame but without wood to burn it silently sputters out My suggest / edits: Inspiration like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze, a spark gives life to a soaring flame, but without wood to burn, it silently sputters
  13. Good bare bones style. But, I believe you could take the efficiently impulse a step or two further. Like so: Beauty (could make Title) silence a light breath darkness a lone flame a thought defiant *** hmm, or how 'bout this. *** A Thought Defiant (make title) silence a light breath darkness a lone flame beauty
  14. Good, but let's heighten that tone a touch shall we. A smile hides many things. For me, it is a dream. One, I dare not share, for fear it will vanish into the air. So behind my mask I'll scream, (hmm, if you're screaming behind mask, how does that translate into happy appearance on surface? Step is missing) so others think it is happiness I sing. (yeah, am thinking last two lines don't really mesh well with the first four). How about this: So with a mask I'll sing, so others cannot hear me scream. (kind of works, sort of) * ******** * You must climb up, the mountain high, outrun the approaching tide. Arrive, stop and grin. Alone at the top, again. Okay, I did one, you do the other
  15. reverie

    Guilt

    Why be unhappy. Part ways if you can. Staying together for the...blank. Isn't always fun for the blank. Move on, find your thing, whatever it is, and be at peace (it could take while, keep searching). I wrote this other day on face book, might help: Everything seems to try to convince that "I am better than...". We're not. I'm not. Though our society pits us against each other; make peace with yourself. Find your thing, whatever that is. If don't have one, do everything -- do, until you find how to be. The people you hate, loath, get outrage at, wish to be apart are people in pain the same as you. Struggling always... Find your calm, and the world will change around you. Spread peace.
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