Parmenion Posted June 29, 2003 Report Share Posted June 29, 2003 It all began some years ago, The cancer – it began to grow… But dear child now I float, Around and about as a ghost, Feel my beard beside your face, I kiss your heart with death’s embrace, To damn your life to my despair, Genetics dear – is that unfair? Now there is nothing – all is black, You pray in mass – you want me back, But I never cared for you while here, Now I’m dead and without ears, When you whisper problems through your tears, I chuckle softly at your fears. Speak what you will to your walls, I’ll not be answer-ing your calls, You may think all this is just being bad, It’s for your own good, just call me “Dad”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
X-Sabre Posted June 29, 2003 Report Share Posted June 29, 2003 -Removed by X-Sabre's request- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted July 1, 2003 Report Share Posted July 1, 2003 Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted July 2, 2003 Report Share Posted July 2, 2003 So sad.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beautiful Nightmare Posted August 9, 2003 Report Share Posted August 9, 2003 Hey wow i really like this alot its so touching and just amazing! *hugs* hehe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragolin Posted August 9, 2003 Report Share Posted August 9, 2003 (edited) hi guys, nice poem, though personally I think you could write a lot better & touching poems if you dropped the rhyme, it's a habit some ppl tend to hold on to, but the best poems are written without it anyway don't mind me of course Edited August 9, 2003 by Dragolin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted August 10, 2003 Report Share Posted August 10, 2003 mmm a slavish adherence to rhyme for rhyme's sake should, of course, be guarded against. yet some people work best within the structure of rhyme and meter, and for them, that is good. It's fortunate that there is no single right way, or best way, to write - else we'd all be writing the same things in our search for our personal best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted August 10, 2003 Report Share Posted August 10, 2003 Hmm... I rather liked this one. The erratic rhyming was ok, I think... Not to start a debate, but... How can one really say that the "best" poems were written in one way or another? Poe, after all, wrote the Raven with a very rigid rhyme scheme. Dr. Seuss is one of the most well known poets in America, and he made use of rhyming... And apart from all that, tastes differ anyway. It's better that way. Anyways... Just some of my thoughts. *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mira Posted August 10, 2003 Report Share Posted August 10, 2003 Rhyming is good, if done correctly, because it adds to the flow and meter of a poem. It isn't, however, necessary to the actual meaning of a poem and therefore some people feel that it gets in the way of what needs to be said. To say that this poem could be better if the rhyming was omitted is in my opinion a rude comment and going as far as saying that poems without rhyme are better then ones without is a gross generalization. Dragolin, if you would like me to make a list of “touching” poems with rhyme I would be more than happy to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanz Posted August 10, 2003 Report Share Posted August 10, 2003 !WOW! This was really touching and moving!! I really liked this. It was full of human emotion!!!! Nice Job Chanz~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragolin Posted August 10, 2003 Report Share Posted August 10, 2003 don't get me wrong, I very much enjoyed this poem! it's just my personal opinion that poems without rhyme, if written good, can be stronger ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted August 10, 2003 Report Share Posted August 10, 2003 reviews the thread so far. I kinda don't like thread creep, taking the focus away from Parmenion's excellent poem. He writes about realities of the world from an interesting perspective - the majority of the time I enjoy reading his works. I would say I enjoy all of them - but I don't like making sweeping generalizations. And I think that might be where the misunderstanding on the rest of the thread has entered. Dragolin, here at the Pen, we're very aware of how much courage it takes some people to post a work which is coming from the heart. How easy it is for some to listen to the criticism of the one voice in the crowd who says, "that sucked" no matter how many others loved it - because it reflects our inner fears that we just aren't good enough. So when an assertive sweeping generalization is made, such as "but the best poems are written without it", we tend to react protectively of our membership. If you'd originally stated "in my opinion, the best poems are written without it" then you'd have owned your statement, and there might've been some discussion. Additionally, if you make a critical statement that contradicts the author's view of how it was done (as shown by what they presented), then it's really nice if you can provide an example. Rewrite a few of the lines according to your opinion, and support it by explaining how it is better in your opinion. That way everyone can learn. Here at the Pen, we try to support, learn, and teach, but we've kinda developed our own style with doing so - acknowledging the person behind the work as well as the work itself, acknowledging that many of the best creations (in my opinion ) have the author emotionally invested in the work. Welcome to the Pen. Let's get back to Parmenion, shall we? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted August 11, 2003 Report Share Posted August 11, 2003 (edited) First and foremost, I would like to second Elrond Peredhil's request to return the focus to this excellent display of talent. A discussion on the various theories/techniques on poetry writing is definately fine, but not right in the middle of a member's post. I would also like to reiterate what Peredhil said about coming down on members for their personal style. I, for one, am frequently plagued by self-doubt about my "work." However, due to the generally accepting and constructive atmosphere of the Pen, I never hesitate to press the "add post" button, because I know that any feedback I recieve will be, at the very least, constructive, if not extremely supportive. Comments like Dragolin's that tell the author of this outstanding work that their personal style is wrong, and that it should be altered. Such a message detracts from the atmosphere I described earlier, and eventually, enough comments like that would result in a major decrease in posting due to self doubt, in my opinion. I realize that I am being mostly repetitive with this post, as well as slightly hypocritical by harping on an issue other than the post by Parmenion, but I do believe that these points should be stressed/emphasized. Parmenion, this is an amazing work. The eerieness (is that a word?!) it projects honestly gave me a shiver when I read it first, before I read it through again. Now, honestly, if I read something twice, it's good! The variation of stanza length, along with the intriguing rhyme scheme made this a very worthwhile read. I hope to see some more of your work soon! *Edited to remove evidence of a brain-fart* Edited August 11, 2003 by Merelas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tattered Posted August 12, 2003 Report Share Posted August 12, 2003 Reading those comments got me all distracted. Um, Regarding the poem above that got us all here debating to begin with...I enjoyed it. To me it struck a kind of morbid string. Sad, painful. It's like there's so much emotion hiding there behind the words. Almost angry...I don't really know. I rather enjoy reading all types of poetry and expression-helps me learn and develope my own... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted August 13, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2003 (edited) I haven't logged in here in far too long - I'll be back from holiers in about 10 days and promise to catch up and comment more! You know whats better than support & constructive criticism? Why somebody starting a debate in your thread and making ya seem popular. Thanks mate, my ego loves ya Thanks for all the feed back to date. I feel I owe yee a bit of insight to it. The poem is written about a father who all through his life made his daughters life hell by all kinds of abuse. He is now out of her life as he is dead yet so powerful was his affect on her mind that she stills becomes dumbstruck at the clarity of some of his memories and shivers when some scents remind her... It wasn't supposed to happy/unhappy or depressive but more like a window through to her mind. In my own defence I think its just some styles suit some ways of sharing some emotions and others have others. I dunt always rhyme This is another touching one I wrote (in my opinion) and it rhymes too. I'd like your opinion on whether it does justice or not Dragolin. http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?show...=ballad+of+hope Cheers Edited August 13, 2003 by Parmenion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragolin Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 Hail to Parm ;-) I'm just a new member, please do not judge me by my first post, I actually joined to see how Arwen's sig looked in a forum I've written some (just a few) poetry in my own language (dutch) but never in english anyway, you'll be seeing some of my posts from time to time, I hope not to irritate again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted August 23, 2003 Report Share Posted August 23, 2003 Parm, like a lot of the others, this poem evoked a sort of melancholy, misty quality to me. But I also interpreted this poem quite a bit differently than everyone else. Some of my fave lines: Genetics dear – is that unfair? Seems like a shift in viewpoint and tone. And it really makes it seem as if the subject is addressing the reader. An attention-grabber. You pray in mass – you want me back, But I never cared for you while here, Now I’m dead and without ears, When you whisper problems through your tears, I chuckle softly at your fears. This stanza really made me think. The reference to mass put it into religious context for me. And it made me think as the poem went on that the speaker was God. But He spoke in a very cynical way...about not caring and laughing at one's fears. Call me sadistic but I really like that idea. A new persepctive of God. And the last line, "just call me Dad" really clinched it for me. I really thought you were referring to God because Christians think of him as the eternal Father of all. I have a weakness for pessimestic existential type works. And your wonderful work with the rhyming just established a rhythm for your message. It really brought out the phantom quality of the poem. I have no issues at all with your rhyming. I'm personally of the opinion that you are the poet and you have the final say. You know how to express yourself best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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