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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Parmenion

Quill-Bearer
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Everything posted by Parmenion

  1. First and foremost - in relation to the poem itself, it is well written. Could use some more punctuation as mentioned earlier but all in all it didn't make a huge difference to how easily I was able to read it. In relation to the subject matter - sorry but you are painting a picture of drugs being something evil and the protagonist being an evil person for using them. That is the kind of ideaology a government wants you to believe in. Ultimately however, the picture painted in my personal opinion is overly concerned with 2 concepts that don't actually exist. Religion and good versus evil. Man made concepts in my opinion should not be used as a basis for the objectivity you try to purport in the latter part of your poem. otehrwise - I enjoyed it.
  2. Now that was a very refreshing read, as usually is with yourself. Loved that story and left me gagging for more despite a well finished conclusion! Well done
  3. My reply to this would be akin to Alceste's response to Oronte's similar short poem in Moliere's play The Misanthrope. For your convenience: http://www.bibliomania.com/0/6/4/1049/frameset.html
  4. Thank you so much for putting the time and effort into both the poem and the post. For me, this is the best piece I have read all year. Congrats on an exceptional poem, I am grateful that you shared it.
  5. Definitely a very surreptitious poem about masturbation. Cleverly done.
  6. Very well wirtten poem Kikuyu. You have captured the scene exceptionally well from the objective perspective. The repitition as other have stated works remarkably well to drive home over and over the respectful distanced adoration of the author in respect ofthe subject matter. Regarding the subject matter, might I suggest buying the work of Kahlil Gibran - a short book called "The Prophet" which is written in a very easy to read format. One of the quotes that stands out regarding this particular piece is: "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." "The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." Apt truisms in my opinion from my experience.
  7. For furture reference Silverwind, there is a rule regarding how often you can and should post*. With regard to the actual poem. No major issues with the layout, quick like this can be very effective. The imagery used seems almost too clever for its own good. Given the title is "Sacrifice", I am going to guess that the first stanza refers to blood and hence implied - a letting of blood or offering. The would include some form of self-harm. The second stanza insinuates that the offering of blood in the first stanza was in exchange for a request granted by the Orisha. Both old and New Age Orisha have always believed very strongly in the life force of a person, however, they are gods that walk among the people and with the people and who answer requests through the act of meditation - not self-harm. Please advise if this contradicting imagery is intended or perhaps the exact purpose of it. What exactly is the poem trying to highlight? What spheres of thought is it attemptming to bring together? Was it a mistake? *RULE BREACH Read Me, Note on Posting Options Track this topic Gwaihir Find Member's Posts Jun 17 2003, 09:37 PM Post #1 Protector of Wiggly Cabbages Group: Deputy Loremaster Posts: 1,924 Joined: 15-January 03 From: Chicago Member No.: 170 Geld: 559 As was recently decided in the member's forum. Please only make one new thread in this room a day. If you want to post five poems in one day that's great, but please do them in one thread. Otherwise it can get really crowded with so many interesting threads.
  8. Poem is badly punctuated, staggers in rhythm and overall is very forced. Curious as to why you used the spelling "broach" which is rarely used in this context, as opposed to "brooch". Regarding the actual point of the poem; I don't get it. Care to explain what its about?
  9. Your idea sounds like a good one. Regarding seeing the god impact "toned down". You misunderstood me. Stanza 1 = 1 god mentioned Stanza 2 = 2 gods mentioned Stanza 3 = 2 Stanza 4 = 3 Stanza 5 = 4/5 In the start of the poem there is much more flavour text associated with the mentioned gods which I really liked. Later on - that diminshes considerably. I enjoyed this poem a lot and was wondering if perhaps it is something that might have the working of an epic. A story re-told or told mixing the gods up, elongating it and allowing more flavour text like the first few stanzas. As is - I really enjoy it. Merely prodding its potential is all
  10. I am a huge fan of mythology Da_Yog and I think you have done very well in this new and bright idea. I did feel that you focused more towards the end on including as many gods as possible rather than developing a concept of beginning and end.
  11. "but what is the price of a human soul, a life, a child's hand, arm, leg, a poor family trying to stay together," Costs: Soul = €0 It is not an entity considered to be seperate to the rest of the mind/body and tehrefore has a legal value of €0 Life = It depends on the age, occupation and marital status of the individual. I can provide you with a very accurate approximate price if you give more details. Child's hand = €175,000 to €250,000 depending on the judge, and juristiction the case is set down in. Arm = €145,000 (if a child's add on another €75,000) Leg = depends whether it above or below the knee. Above: €136,000 Below: €127,000 (about €50k more if a kids leg) A poor family trying to stay together: Depends on the size of the family, their place of residency and the capacity for both parents to work. If you can give more details I can give you a very accurate approximate price. Hope this helps answer your queries.
  12. If I was to guess I would say this poem is about depression manifested as some kind of monster. Lines like: "you squirm and twist" and "and your psyche thrashes" are an attempt by the protagonist or author to pawn off this depression as being a commonality to all. Otherwise the term "one" or "I" would be used instead of "you". The theme and manner in which this is written is quite clearly a search. It is search for an audience to identify with the "you" aspect in the poem and to "get" the vision of depression and its manifestation within the framework of the poem. I found the poem poorly written about a common teenage topic tackled in an "abstract poetry" type manner that begs for credibility.
  13. Nice reply. I agree that he is doing the best he can. However, your statement is unfinished. He is doing the best he can with regard to his own interests and those of corporate America. He most certainly is not doing the best he can by the people whom he is allegedly supposed to represent.
  14. Very nice Regel. Good to see I aint alone in that approach to people making idle stupid comments The one thing I found letting the piece down was flow. While the syllable counts are fairly spot on throughout they sometimes negate flow. For instance: You stupid ignorant moron! Did you think I would smile and grin? When your words they did offend me And your manners are mighty thin. perhaps for the 2nd & fourth lines: Did you think I'd smile or grin, And your manners mighty thin. Enjoyed this one. Good work old man.
  15. Very nice. I really enjoyed the reality of this poem. well done.
  16. Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis Y ou approach Satan's wretched city where you behold a wide plain surrounded by iron walls. Before you are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Burning tombs are littered about the landscape. Inside these flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs. You will join the wicked that lie here, and will be offered no respite. The three infernal Furies stained with blood, with limbs of women and hair of serpents, dwell in this circle of Hell. Here is how you matched up against all the levels:(Click on a level for more info) Level Who are sent there? Score Purgatory Repenting Believers Very Low Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers Very Low Level 2 Lustful Extreme Level 3 Gluttonous Moderate Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious High Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy Extreme Level 6 - The City of Dis Heretics Extreme Level 7 Violent Very High Level 8- the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers Extreme Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous Very High Awwwwwww - I like did so much worse than Vigil StarGazer and it like got the 8th level of hell! Moo!
  17. Porcelin dolls scare me! I read this cause of my masochistic nature. You paint a scary picture! *runs in fear from this thread never to return*
  18. Missed this gem of a thread before and its has some great content so far so I'll add some of my own experiences: 1. Time wounds all heels - its how you recover that is a testimony to your character. 2. There is always someone else out there worse off than you. 3. Never back down from a fight. Instinctively we are territorial animals, to deny this is to deny that you are a mammal. If you know its going down, be first. You gain the better chance of winning by striking before being struck. 4. Never lie to friends and family but if you don't learn to lie at all you will be taken advantage of by rogues, businessmen and will become easily brain washed by the media. 5. Never decide you will be with someone forever without ever having slept with them. You wouldn't buy a car without test driving it and you might run into compatability issues. 6. Make hopes and dreams that you aim to accomplish alone as an individual. Don't rely on others for happiness because you are shirking from the responsibility that you have for your own survival and peace of mind. 7. Have the strength to know when to quit. 8. Don't criticise something you have never tried. 9. Listen, listen, listen! For every one thing you know there are millions of things you don't know. Even if you vehemently disagree, take on board another's opinion and reason why they think that way and are imparting knowledge/perspective. 10. <not mine> "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." The once and future King T.H. White
  19. Loved this poem. Despite the overshadowing dark imagery there are several references to life within the darkness. The 2 images of roses blooming in areas of death or winter are comforting that life and optimism exists no matter what. The image of a weeping willow (a naturally depressive image) dancing is an uplifting contrast that brings to mind the notion that within the willow lurks a life seeking to be released like a wood dryad's soul trapped in a place it should not be and expressing itself despite its cage. Clever to have use the same/similar word at the beginning and end of every line. Found that to be very unique and something I have not seen before. Refreshing and a great read. Thanks for sharing
  20. Excellent work. Tolkien himself would have glanced twice or thrice at the power of description used here
  21. Yup I noticed just how restrictive writing couplets are when trying to keep this poem on track which led its forced nature in several areas. I am currently working on revamping it in either a different scheme or in a smoother free verse manner and taking on board the points with regard to keeping it directed at the specific struggle rather than the last stanza which is more a general frustration with society rather than religions. To Regel: The subject matter itself is borne from a struggle. The struggle being that which we are taught to believe versus the human craving for knowledge and true explanation. While to content of the poem comes across in a lecturing manner in some parts that reflects the nature of the author (moi) but you can equally see the frustration with regard to why some of these questions go unanswered. In such lines as: So why then do religions still persist, To deny that multi-gods perhaps exist? This particular couplet also antagonises the opening line which states in contrast with the title that God does not exist. The narrator leaves room in several places throughout the poem like this reflecting the uncertainty of what on the surface appears to be staunch convictions. While the opinions and perspectives come across quite strong, I hope that enough chinks were left in the armour to show that the narrator is researching a matter so thoroughly that the question that must be asked is: Why? Why is he researching it so thoroughly? What is it he is really searching for? In contrast with your actual physical falls I have had a dozen or more moments in my life where for some reason things have just gone my way. The metaphoric falls have always been broken by something. But what is that something? Is it some omniscient spirit? A trick of fate? The power of internal will and thought impressing itself to shape matter and circumstance in the locality from idea or desire in a Plato-like philosophy? The struggle to understand the nature of the cause that brings about the beneficial effect. Lastly, I would have to take a different stance regarding who builds the prisons. Humans are self-aware but the more I experience from them the more I feel humans are a product not only of genes but the environment within which they have been raised. An environment can be one which encourages self-awareness and the ability to question but at the same time be placing shackles upon how far that mind can question. In many religions across the world, to question the origins or in fact the right of divinity of a god is to blaspheme and is a sin. This also extends to the Social Contracts that exist between the individuals and the state. If I disagree with my governments decisions I can be considered to be unpatriotic. If I speak out against those decisions in some governments I can be jailed or worse. Modern brain washing techniques and propaganda can and do cage the minds of some of the most intellectual of people by isolating them in their free time to stop them congregating and raising important questions or thoughts of revolution to change. Because they believe they are free, they forget that freedom to think was not a thing that was fought for and won 200 or 100 or even 50 years ago. It is an eternal struggle to ensure that the governing body and the governed are always subject equally to the same restrictions and limitations on their behaviour within the framework of a society. This ties in quite heavily with religions even today. Some leaders of state actively promote their religion as part of their reign in government. I would be of the idea that religion and state should be seperate identities. State is a social matter. Religion a private one. Thus that couplet regarding shackles. Environment (how a child is raised into an adult) I feel has a very important role to play in how far that individual will allow itself to question the world around them in which they live and the teachings of their elders. To Peredhil: I would love that we could trade philosophies with poetry! I know of course your religious background and it has always been a pleasure and an enlightening experience trading thoughts with you. If time permits you even a short poetic response I would be honoured. Appreciate ya playing Rev and taking it on board for the redraft. Be well all
  22. Working on the helpful tips and appreciate the input! Curious - who moved the topic and why?
  23. There is no God? By Martin Fitzsimons 27 July 2007 21.00 There is no God I say to one and all! No guiding hand to save you when you fall, Man worships or destroys that which he fears, The farce of heaven lessens loved ones' tears. In the pulpits pastors preach and tell, Not to listen means you'll go to hell. If you don't believe, and live life good, You've no more soul than a stump of wood, To live your life being good is not enough, You must believe the priest's and all their stuff. Man created Gods from his own minds, He changed to many forms for many kinds, As we sought to sanction why we're here, That elusive answer faded into fear. What if we're just a process of this earth? Just one more species dying and giving birth, Some seem to think that we're the chosen few, "We're enlightened - not the animals" they'll spew. There is no grand design for humankind, Other than what we make with our own mind, Let’s take this education from the top, And to this Godly nonsense put a stop! It began with Genesis oh so long ago, That Adam and that Eve as we all know, But are you taught from whence this story came? Grab some popcorn, read on and I'll explain... Ten thousand years ago we learned to farm, We stored the food and side-stepped nature's harm, Starvation could not keep our numbers low, Adam represents all man before this grow. The farmers were the man we know as Cain, Who onto Abel caused much hurt and pain. Abel were the nomads of that time, Who lived with nature and understood Cain's crime. Who wrote this story? Where from did it come? This answer is only known by some. It was Semite propaganda not writ down, Later stolen by some Hebrew clown. Abel was the Semites and their kin, But what about the apple being a sin? As Cain expanded and his numbers grew, The nomadic hunting grounds became more few. Cain went against the natural order's laws, So the Semites told their children that this cause Was as a result of Cain anger-ing the gods, The apple story the reason for these odds. At the time this spoken story came to be, There was no one god nor one god's decree, It would be two thousand years after this tale, Before the Hebrews found one god to hail. The twist - this story subsisted in such times, Where many gods existed in many climes, So why then do religions still persist, To deny that multi-gods perhaps exist? They borrow stories from a "heathen" time, And pass them off as theirs which ain't a crime? But yet they fool the masses and purport, Its a crime to kill, to steal or to extort. But if thy brother, thy daughter or thy son, Shall worship other gods such as the sun, Thou shall surely smite him with thy sword, Lest he blaspheme another single word! (Deuteronomy 13:6-15) The ruling factions in this modern age, Do not attempt to teach you but to cage How you think from when you are a child, To enslave you to obedience and being mild. I urge you all to think outside the box, This is just a key to force the locks On the prisons they have built around your mind, To keep you in the dark, to keep you blind.
  24. to help with the rhyme ground = sand? same kinda thing. I usually find this website useful: Need a Rhyme?
  25. Not what I meant but since yer a lil b1atch about it... It was complete $hite
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