Parmenion

What are you talking about man? Us old school peeps dont like change! Stop talking absurdities!

Time. That was easy MORE!

Nice! very nice man. Like it a lot

Two years have made me cold, All the things we left unsaid. Was what we had a one true love? Or silly thoughts inside my head? I miss your faithful kisses, Miss your warmth on winter nights, Miss the smiles upon your face, And your laugh like child's delight. I knew that it would never work, You had to let me go, Still, I'd always think of you, We'd always have that snow. The distance it did seem so great, A gulf, a rift, to cross, But now an airline ticket, Simply can't amend that loss. Time seemed such a simple thing, We'd meet again someday, Not even in the coming years, But when we're old and grey. I don't know why I didn't grieve, When I heard that you were gone, You were all I'd ever wanted, And now that seems so wrong. She'd always asked about you, "Did you love her? She love you?" In my deep desire for what I had, My denial, I will rue. Please forgive my weaknesses, For not going; for not being there, The thoughts of seeing your casket ...I simply could not bear. I'm sorry that I took so long, To write this verse for you. Thanks, so much, for showing me, The meaning that is two.

Um I mean no offence and pardon my ignorance but isn't a sonnet comprised of an octet and sestet (or something?). Basically, 8 lines followed by 6 lines for 14 lines in all...

There once was a dragon with sharp razor teeth, His claws like giant sickles attached to his feet, His growl bellowed smoke and echoed the hills, The skulls round his chamber said much of his kills. This Lord of the Dragons his gaze wandered far, And said to his titans “This land we will mar!” One fine day, which was pleasant and sunny, He thought to himself, “I’ll go kill a Bunny.” The Bunnies had heard that a Dragon was near, Some of the young Bunnies did tremble with fear, But they banded together and made a huge fort, As the Dragon with minions came rushing forth. Both Titans and Dragon smashed ‘gainst the walls, To the delight and the jeering of DFB’s calls, By the end of the day the Dragon was beat, He’d broke all his claws and all of his teeth. But a Dragon, even wounded is still a fierce beast, So the Bunnies decided they’d have a giant feast, To balance the books for the assault and the hurt, The Dragon the main course, the titans - dessert.

Fantastic poem! Very much enjoyed this as I am a huge fan of writing with that kind of style and felt you did it very well. Just this minor hiccup I came across in the meter of the poem but it may be that I am a bit tired and a bit stoned right now. The wind whispers and strokes my cheek, sounds awkward. The wind it whispers; strokes my cheek, tiny change - might work well? Perhaps some of the meter masters could lend their view. Thoroughly enjoyed the read. Imagery was immersing and the quick paced tone helped set the fury of the tempest firmly in the reader's mind catching them up in the feel of it. Well done

You have always been too clever for me!

I don't believe in marriage and I don't believe in weddings so in that regard I cannot offer much assisstance. I did feel that it was a very deep and heart felt poem, perhaps not for a public audience (as in a wedding place - I don't mean the mighty pen) but as words spoken privately to the one you loved perhaps when alone later that evening in your own private ceremony - it may mean so much more to them. Declarations to the world are all well and good, but my opinion would be that words spoken when only the sounds of 2 breadths and 2 heartbeats are present, together with a steady and true gaze have a much deeper impact.

Read it first and it appeared as nonsense. Read it twice it seemed to have some meaning. Read it thrice and realised how much it reflects my moods of late. Simple and complex, you've caught it both nicely here lass.

Brilliant stuff man - keept me interested throughout with the story and gave me a grand old chuckle at the end. Good work - hope you had as much fun writing it as I did reading it

Oooooh, now that looks like much fun! Never heard of this style of writing before and cheers for sharing this example, which I did enjoy reading. Have you any more exmaples or know of any good old ones?

This was a thrilling pleasure to read. I very much enjoyed its quick pace, sarcastic humour and the way you paced out bits and pieces of the ship's tale. Its a refreshing read that you should be proud of. Well done! The only part where I felt the poem stuttered a bit was this paragraph: Or at least they thought so, Until they tried to board, And sank to the bottom, Through the holes in her floor. While the syllable count is 6 for each line the flow of the poem becomes interrrupted for me. Perhaps (and I wouldn't take this as gospel since my rythym usually sucks big time) something like: Or so at least they thought, Until they tried to board, And sank down to the bottom, Through holes in timber floors. I aint happy with my suggestion but maybe you get me?

Is this it?: Just a tiny grammatical suggestion: But the past is passed and gone. The word "is" is a present tense word and here you are using it to describe an event that has already taken place. I would suggest using the word "has" instead of it.

Great to see you still haven't lost your touch Psimon. While this is a rather unusual style of poem from you it nonetheless its well written and an enjoyable read. For me it is the antithesis of this old gem (sorry in advance for spamming your thread ): [iF] If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you But make allowance for their doubting too, If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream--and not make dreams your master, If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much, If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son! --Rudyard Kipling

Fantastic feedback as always Rev and much appreciated. Some very good suggestions to take on board though it may take me a while to get around it all. You're a saint for taking the time to write such an involved reply. Cheers man. *hugs pere & wren*

Sun shone on that dreary place, Of hallowed marble halls, Rain would have been more fitting, If Weather heard woe's calls. This tower was his alter, His heart, his mind, his home, But all the words he said inside, Rang with an echoed tone. He chose this isolation, Far from the maddened crowd, For few of them did speak to him, And those who did were loud. He did not have the sheckles, Nor charm to woo a queen, And when he fell in love, For a time his heart would beam. Yet while each love was diff'rent, His heart would rule his mind, With his passion unreturned, He thought them most unkind. Perhaps he was a mammy's boy, Perhaps he was a pig! Perhaps he was plain stupid, Perhaps he should've learned to jig. Of course he was not perfect, In truth, sometimes he was an ass, But who could say with honesty They are; without appearing crass? So he went away and hid himself, For years in marbled halls, And taught himself of many things, And built himself some walls. The inside and the outside world Are built upon strict rules, And thus he had to find himself To use these rules as tools. To counteract his active heart, He took up the logic school, But smarter people, more astute, Still played him for a fool! He felt much shame in failure, It hurt his manly pride, Yet if this was the price he'd pay, He'd put such shame aside. For if this man's a fool, To live by his heart and mind, Then this life can screw him, Coz he'll leave it all behind.

There were aspects of this poem that I very much liked and some that I did not like. Lets have a look at what I did like first. The content of the poem, the lover's story is a good old romantic theme of a love unrequieted or more a "sickness at a distance syndrome" as I call it. Love is always a good steady theme for poetry as it affords the poet the opportunity of describing it in many formats utilising much imagery without over using the word itself. The rest of the imagery carried across very profoundly and eloquently the love-sickness I feel you were endeavouring to portray. Lines such as: "Each fiber flayed and floating free," brilliantly get this across. The alliteration here resonates the sickness like it were hammering out a guitar like strumming on the fibers of every nerve of your being. I felt the alliteration was very well done, easy to read but missing continuance. As Wren already said: "My being, incomplete shall weep." is a very good ending for the poem. I feel that alletiartion when done should be reflected in either its corresponding rhyming line or the following line. This is of course a personal preference so feel free to ignore this observation. I would offer the suggestion that the line following: "Each fiber flayed and floating free" could read: "A sundered soul that sought so much." or "A silenced soul that loved so much." or "A simple soul that loved too much. etc... but utilising an alliterative following. Just a thought. My main criticism of this poem is that its beauty is spoilt by its flow. It makes it difficult to read and hurts the otherwise natural progression of your poem in many places. There are many places if words were altered slightly or re-arranged into the lines differently it could read much smoother. But as it stands I did very much enjoy this poem, well done!

If by Rudyard Kipling Thats the poem. And things always work out right for me hehe but thanks for your sentiment!

If By Martin Fitzsymons 20-04-2006 If I had the wit of all mankind, If I could think and never do you wrong, If I learned to see and not be blind, I’d be that perfect man for which you long. If I knew the words to say to you, If I used them without paused reserve, Then you’d never be unhappy or be blue, I’d be that perfect man that you deserve. If I could grow a mane without being shy, If I had a thousand diamond rings, If I could simply always explain why, I’d not rest until you had all of those things. These words are all this simple poet holds, My vow to you I’ll be a better man, You’ll see for us as time itself unfolds, I ask for your forgiveness if you can? Yes I do know Mr Kipling's legendary masterpiece kicks butt - and of course it was slightly inspired by the hypothetic title

Exceptional! You most definitely have a remarkable way of capturing the reader's attention every time you put fingertip to key!!

Not a chance that I could resist replying to this gem of a poem It reminds me of the big old softie that smaller bullies would pick on at school. I really enjoyed this imagery: I am sure many know that feeling of the hard lump in the throat preventing speech as moisture wells unbidden threatening to spill out in tears. Well captured. I really liked the use of the 2 F's followed by the 2 G's. I felt it gave this stanza a great flow to it and helped hammer home the imagery to the reader with the use of very similar spelt words used in such a tight meant context. Brilliant The only criticism I have of this poem is completely minor and totally pedantic, so please dont think for a second I felt it marred the poem in any way - coz y'know i loved it I would maybe suggest writing the third line as: I cast to them a smile I only Italicise to to show the added word. The reason I would include it is because i feel the line needs an extra syllable for flow to help balance its counterpart in line 1. I might also for the second line of that stanza use: Isolated, feeling prone, Reduces the syllable count making for easier flow by fleshing out the next line with the "to" insertion. Just a thought. Very much enjoyed the read - good work!

ouch!

A woman of the wild she is, With trinkets on her sleeve, A smile upon her face she has, But why some can't perceive. Rising with each break of day, To her mobile phone's alarm, But every damn ten minutes! Well, I know she has her charm... And so I hold her gently, Sometimes strong, sometimes light, Sometimes she shakes her raven hair, And laughs a child's delight! A woman of the mind she is, Bewitching in her ways, Astute, alert and well thought out, A constant through the days. Rising in the afternoon, She is in her best form, Full of life, full of verve, As long as she is warm! And so I kiss her softly, And I whisper that I care, And if she rubs my belly, I'll be growling like a bear! The woman of my heart she is, In character and stance, And while she may deny it... I think she loves romance! Through the days and evenings, We walk while holding hands, When the wind whips through her hair, I push away the strands. And so I write this poem for her, On this Valentine of days, To let her know I think of her, In many different ways.

Very thought provoking poem asking some very important questions. The kind of poem that would inspire a debate. I completely agree with your conclusions.