HopperWolf

Well written piece, Broken, It flowed well and had a good underlying structure. You seem to understand the form reasonably well and I like the way you play with it. "I don't believe it, I denied" is an excellent example. In fact those three lines seem structured perfectly to support each other most effectively. i especially like the way you didn't change format for speach or enclose it in speach marks or seperate it in any way. much nicer to read this way. "After they broke into day Now she lies in the ditch I wish that our lives could switch Then it would be me lying there" I found that I stumbled at these four lines when reading aloud. The beat disintigrates a bit here - forcing the reader to make unnatural pauses and tempting them to add their own words. Poetry is the art of expression and I see great eloquence, not just in what you say but in how you say it. And as to what you say, I find your word choices quite compelling in most places. "They always try to break apart Friendship stronger than their heart" For example, here the choice of "break apart" and "heart". While the second line on its own could seem perhaps a little contrived, with the rhyme from the preceding line when you read the couplet you are left with an impression of a broken heart, which influences the entire piece. and goes even further because it adds depth and definition to the bare statement made. I'm seeing seeds of this sort of patterning throughout the poem. There is definitely a lot of content here and much to ponder. Nice work

hello pennites, just thought I'd drop by and say a hello to all those who i know and who may remember me. I'd quite like to know how people are getting along Asheyla, love, sorry to hear about your deathly illness. sending hugs your way despite all contagiousness. as to myself, life trundles on. work is ever boring. i miss writing but the best i can manage these days are odd little lyrical snippits. Having said that I am working on a couple of scripts at the moment which are looking fairly nifty. though it is very different kind of thing compared to my poetry. but it's fairly fun to do. more workish though. Life on the whole though is fairly dull though, and I don't think much has changed since I was last hanging around here. But I am alive - just. Finding myself increasingly at loose ends, especially since I finished watching all 4 seasons of farscape at last (can't wait till feb 16th and the peacekeeper wars *g*). enough of my miserable self though. please detail your lives below hugs and kisses where appropriate.

aha! a fresh topic and a lively form. aalways a pleasure to see. Executed well. It's not something I usually comment on but here I admire the tightness of thought. each line is very... punctual as it should be. Yes, it brings back memories. bon chance!

nice form effective use. new spin on the topic, which is nice to see. I like to see the old forms coming back. only thing i can spot really is the 4th line "And so hard to remake" The rhythm is out by a beat here which could be solved easily by removing "so" from the line as it is heavily implied because of the context of the previous 3 lines.

ok, I'm just kinda writing this off the cuff so here goes. don't blame me if it goes wrong. He is alone As that is how it would be had, Whilst on the field Where contenders have With bloody rage, Lost themselves. He is alone, For blood was spilled upon this plain, And by his hand A fellow slain, And a man withdrawn A man no more. He is alone, To fend the world's cruelists barbs, Though without the touch, His blackened heart Would move to stop And bring him down.

heh, i like it

strikes me as remarkably good lyric material, especially the first stanza. Like the phrasing. nice

Excellent expression. I do like and admire the way the partner's side has been partly revealed, as a reader I feel sorrow for both, though due to the nature and the hot/cold approach I feel more inclined to sympathise with the partner, although (perhaps because?) his own specific thoughts are unknown, we merely see quiet suffering. Well wrote.

To me this reads much like a ballad structurally (one less syllable on every even line and you’d be pretty much there), and also in terms of content – although there is no dialogue and the resolution is less conclusive . However you have a good tragic story here with fairly strong narrative. And where you do depart from the ballad form you make generally beneficial adjustments. Jareena hit the nail on the head here as far as I’m concerned since the Ballad was in use before the written word available, as a means for story telling used by bards and travellers and would have been passed down the generations. Cool, eh? Also still in use in folk music today. Check out “Mattie Groves” by Fairport Convention classic. In regards to the rhyme scheme, I recognise it as a minor variation of the Chant Royal theme. A good move as I think it fits the pattern rather well. And while I can spot the occasional struggle on the whole I can’t see that it causes much of a problem with flow and the word choice is quite appropriate and intelligent Seeing your latest reply I notice it is based on another piece, but I’m afraid I don’t have the time to check that out at the moment to draw comparisons there : (

The quote is "I am the light that is over all. I am the All. The All came forth out of me. And to me the All has come." "Split a piece of wood – I am there. Lift the stone, and you will find me there." It's a real quote from the Gospal of Thomas found in a jar in Nag hammadi, Egypt in the 19th century (can't remember exactly). Also found here was the Gospel of Philip among other things. All written in original Coptic as well! It is thought it was hidden there for much the same reasons that the Gospel of Mary was likely hidden. The church was gaining power and phasing out some of the more "radical" ideas that these scriptures hinted at. I mean, women! in the clergy! http://www.themightypen.net/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif To be fair though the church is redressing the balance slowly.

a bold view in today's world, and one i have long since held. Ah, a longing for times i never knew, For harsher ways of the priv'laged few, Where yet the lesser men unknown Had still the life for living true. anyway, well said, as it needed to be.

A fallen angel with wings of fire. strange but cool

ohmygodohmygodohmygod, that's amazing! well done!!! increadible. the house I live in has about 1000 (3) mortgages on it. Congratulations, and enjoy your house to the full!

but what would be the point if you never intend to find out?

Ayshela, hun, this is a wonderful wonderful piece. what strikes me most is that this is an incredibly inclusive piece. The temptation would have been to make this a subjective piece which more often than not ends up alienating the reader from the poem and poet. And this certainly far from the case here!! From a linguistic point of view it is your choice of wording that is so very effective. "Hold tightly, small one, " I could not single out a specific word in this line, for example, because each word is so intrinsic to the meaning of the others. The "holding tightly" is a shows frailty and hope a little desperastion, but were it not for the "small one" then the holding would seem an incredible act of desperation and possessivness. It would be a very active description - brash and offensive. Of course it is more complicated with each word relying on every other for its meaning. This first line is a marvelously compact exapmle of what occurs through the rest of your poem. I cannot underline enough how impressive I think this is. From a technical point of view I struggle to offer any advice here, even just the length is suitably set. However, one point: This way you won't know there's someone there either. -Hugs and stuff

heheheh

deserve it all, hun

I too find I relate to a lot of what you say here, and have to applaud to way you tackle the subjects. That first line means a heck of a lot to me, it's my biggest general gripe. How can I take life seriously (or fail to?) when the 6 year old kid I babysit for is better behaved,makes more sense and is far more honest than the men that lead my country? Unfortunately it is something that I think is unlikely to ever change. It's a fact of life - power corrupts as it were. It has been the case throughout history, with any form of government. And we do need government regardless. "When all you need to be a leader is a catchy phrase and a hansom face ... now voting seems an awful waste" Rings true when today in Britain we really don't have much to choose between and whichever way we go looks likely to bugger us up. And when what a politician says is no guarantee (Not that it ever was) - we can't even trust a party's mandate. "And it seems the whole worlds is plastiqued up" This sparked a thought, I mean, it seems the whole world is like that - it always does, but all you're really seeing is your little bit of it. (Patriotic americans look away) It is especially the impression America gives in, well, all of Europe that they really think their own country is the whole world, in which case this line brings that critical view into focus superbly. (Start reading again) "The only way to win is by giving up" This seems to me to be a harshly critical line, and I'm not sure if it intended with a bit of sarcasm. It is never really the case. Obviously to give up seems the only real choice but then you would far from win. The only real choice is, of course, to stand up and speak. Of course, figure out what you want to say first. Music, for example, used to be the platform for the youth (over here) to speak to the world and let everyone know what they think and, of course, to influence world politics. It was the ideal shoutbox for them. Now it seems that we don't have one, and the youth of today have been brainwashed by the media with "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" and "Big brother" to be perfectly happy with nothing on their minds. And it's true, no one really wants to actually get across their views here because most people don't have them. The joys of the TV culture. Those people have given up and look at the good it did them. "Why do we keep pressin' on?" Cos we got to. Ok, now for the technical stuff. Your structure in the first stanza is nearly there, with a couple of alterations (Like 3 words) you could have a greast rhythm goin, a nice 10, 10, 9, 9 - it's unconventional but I've always though it was catchy. You don't really have any structure after that, and I think it would help if you went with a good steady form, perhaps a basic iambic rhythm with a few custom dactylics or something. I'm not sure how many feet you'd want but no more than five probably, after that it gets a bit awkward. Obviously, this would involve breaking down some of your lines, cos you;d end up with 9, 10 or 11 to the line, but I think you'd probably find it worth it. For the last stanza I tried a reading with and a reading without it and I thought that without the thing ended resonatly with the single line above. If you look at the final stanza you don't say anything you haven't already implied or said above so you could happily do without. Of course, it's all suggestion, don't feel I'm forcing you here... oh sorry is that your arm...? heheh. seriously, I just feel I should bring something to the table when I make comment.

fantastic work. Faithful trusty structure and scheme used to great effect. several parts stand out to me. "the silent, flowing lands Built tirelessly by nature’s hands" Just simply great descriptive phrasing. flowing lands with flowing structure. I admire a poet who can effectivly merge the structure and the words like this. "The vines, once snaking, grabbing life Lie strewn about," Nice careful phrasing showing how great the similarties of man and nature appear and how different they really are (if you catch my meaning). Actually there are several more quotes I could use but these two illustrate, I think, most of the main aspects of your piece I enjoyed most quite sufficiently. The final stanza is also well done in that you have left much unsaid that would have perhaps have marred your work if pointed out (I also admire a poet who does not underestimate the reader). Perhaps some of the rhyming is clichéd but to be honest it's a trivial matter and I think largely unavoidable. Best thing I've read in a while.

I could give a patriotic answer, but you wouldn't like it - I'm British. *wonders off to look up irony in the dictionary* heheh

thank you all kind words. and hugs are always appreciated. Ayshela, I think I can just about keep balance couldn't have you hurting yourself! Yuki, so true, and that's why I value this place and the people in it so much. Regel, your words honour me.

I like the way this piece flows. Makes me think more of a song than poem (Rock). Especially like the first verse/stanza. It's really straight forward in both structure and intent. Not only that but also the language use is especially geared for the emotion of the piece, with plenty of those words that are just damn satisfying to say. I'd say that in that sense it calms down in the next two verses but the intent seems just as intense. cool stuff.

I have been unable to write, well, anything lately and it's been bloody murder for me! Literature is my vent, the only way i can really tell people what's going on up in this mind of mine. Strange thing is, I have many friends here, but none of them really know me very well. In fact, even when they read my work, it rarely registers with them - the idea that I might be trying to say something doesn't seem to come close to entering their minds. Here however I can feel free to post my work (Even if it is truely dire drivel where my overdramtic pesimism is the sole focus) and you good people will read it, understand it (hopefully) and then at least someone hears me. Basically, thanks. I recon I would've gone crazy (well that little bit more to push me over the edge) if it weren't for this place. Special thanks to certain individuals - I'm sure you know who you are. 's bout it. thanks for listening. Wolfy out.

Hopper pops in for a celebratory free drink and takes up residence by the fireplace. Congratulations to all of us who made it through the week!!

I also like it's unexpected ending. bravo. As a side note, the first line of the last stanza could be made "The horse will have charged" and it would then work. The horse is often what the cavelry were referred as (a single unit and not plural).