HopperWolf

I think you're right. but I like what you got here! I'm not entirely sure what effect your after but this is what I'm getting: First stanza - good rhyming scheme. a fairly light start to the poem, with the third line making good use of a popular phrase but with a note of seriousness on the last line. Personally, I wouldn't want to see this stanza changed much. Second stanza - good first line, keeping the serious tone. I'd query the second line though: a bit to poe for the rest of the thing. if i anything it detracts from the tone for me - such a change of style kinda jolting out of the mood. excelent third line. fourth line i'm in two minds over. firstly I like the brightness it lends, especially if you say it out loud. it's kinda cute. however, i don't know if you want the lighter stuff at this point. Third stanza - coming back with the seriousness here, i like the two images presented. for some reason the galss of wine is particularly expressive to me. the wording on the third line seems a bit rushed though. but overall i like. Final stanza - I love it. again good structure to the themes. i wouldn't change the first three lione for the world. i like em too much together like that. the fourth could use a bit of work maybe. it seems a bit vague to me. Erm, sorry if I offend you - I seem to be doing that a lot of late this is not meant to offend or really criticise. In fact I really like this! Otherwise I wouldn't have written here.

excellent stuff! Not much more to say than what has been already. just, well done. very cool.

nice piece! gentle imagery with wording that seems to flow when you read it. I clear and concise message to boot. excellent stuff. I like. and for what it's worth I hope my story will be worth telling. but it remains to be seen. (don't know the song though.... am i out of the loop here?)

The reverse is true. Without one the other could not be. you will find it. *hugs...all round*

What fools are we that seek to understand These mysteries that dealt from Heaven’s hand? What foolish youths who walk the road alone! Who trust themselves to figure on their own What troubles lie beyond their point of view, For we must know the choice we make is true. And so we stand and gaze back at the way, At the path we’ve travelled, wond'ring all the same, “If time were gone what ought we to have done?” I’d say to us, “ignore it and move on! What’s done is done, now face the road ahead, Who knows what’s there to reach the journey’s end. But time moves on and we must move as well, And take what comes: we brought it on ourselves! How could we know? We threw away our guide. And for what? The sake of foolish pride? ‘Free will’ be damned, we had that anyway, We just chose poorly, threw it all away. While those great proud men stand and fall today, It’s not just them who’s lives are disarrayed. You stupid men who seized upon your ‘Rights’ Look at the products of all your petty fights!” And saying this, I’d laugh and turn around On down the path this guide of mine has found. (Thank you for the tip )

A nice sentement with vivid, primative imagery (getting back to basics lending a good overtone). the conversational metre is good also. Adds personality. As if a personal message to the reader.

excellent work. No need to worry about the first line, it's very fitting: lending an overtone to the whole. Repentance, forgiveness, starting over. it is always going to be overshadowed by the past. it's never going to be quite "right" in the same way it was. a lesson well learnt.

I like the imagery presented here, though I find the rhythem a little bit cumbersome. perhaps a more consistant metre would be more appropriate. Mind you, this is pure bias on my part, I've been reading too much 18th century stuffage. all ten beat rhyming couplets and stuff. The theme itself is well presented. a good piece by all accounts

*coughs* er, yes. thanks

Words These words, it has been to long since I formed you, Such elegance to be attained in language. But I am not worthy to use you, With such grace you depict intention and meaning, From heart and soul, such precision. And though the lowest beggar may command you, I know not myself, nor my meaning. Language has left me, For though I speak, I say nothing. Failure I cannot look at you. To see you now is to see I have failed again, That I will always fail here, And another path is blocked. Wasted years laugh from the wayside As I trudge back the beaten path. I cannot look at you, Then I must turn back And I cannot do that again. I lived without a future for too long.

hun, this is a truely deep and honest piece. probably the best work i have read recently. Not just for the emotional context but also the form and structure. you carry it off well.

awww thanks guys. nice to be remembered!!! It's certainly been a while to be sure. Always nice to here from ya, Ayshela, thanks for the thoughts seems i have been asleep before this fire longer than i intended! thanks again all you well wishers.

truely wonderful work, the best thing i have read in a time. well done. excellent use of imagery

Let your rays bathe me, And cleanse me of this life, And yet you cannot touch me, Nor my children, my lover or my wife. A world apart from you, Confined in walls of oak, As full of life that too Was of the quality and grace they spoke. A life-time’s family, Eyes wet with storms of tears, Trail slowly past to see The designer face I had to wear. They soaked me with their rains, To taint with their lies, Scripted falsehoods and betrayals, And sent me with wings on high. Wash me in your light, And strip me of this halo, Through stone and earth and dirt, That, disturbed, marks my passage below. My bread and my wine, To be taken by those New children of Oberon, Spread life where’er my body goes. While they feast my words, Squandering all they had, That in head and heart was heard, Now taken in their deal with Queen Mab. My belovéd sun, In sheer blue cloudless skies, In parting as His own son, Submit to you that expose the lies. Let your rays bathe my grave, And show me as I am, And wipe their eyes With your glory.

tis a nice piece, I especially like the first stanza, particularly the use of the line "Those beads that cling as tears to panes" Which seems to me to be a concession to an older style that I adore (think Herrick and dunne) and the entire first stanza has a very naturalistic feel (a type of poetry I love) which plays off rather well against the more raw organic feel of the rest of the poem.

me likes this poem it's fresh

You think I don’t know you, I do, I know how you sit on your window sill, Or walk the edge of a bridge. How you stare into waters and follow the swells, And think on what you did. I know you threw yourself at him, or her, The only way to lose what was in your head. I know that music has flowed, pulling you under, Lying still on your bed. You think I don’t know you, I do, I know myself.

actually, I think the style was fairly common before the 1800's, maybe 1750. but somewhat died out in the 1800's to be replaced by a more constant beat, probably seeking to express the more steady, unchanging shape of society through a similar poetic structure. Alexander Pope, for example, in his "Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot" rarely writes a line that is not 10 beats overs 424 lines. However, a nice example of the type of style you are after could be found by a Mr. John Dunne in "Death, be not proud" (not his most famous I believe, but still fairly well known) which seems to be loosly based on the old fashioned ballad style itself. The most popular balladic style was an 8, 7 beet aith A B A B rhyme scheme, and there are quite a few folk songs today that mimic it. It translates into quite a nifty tune actually. The real challange in writing a ballad though, are the more consisten trademarks, such as it being a tragic story (always is, unless pointledly otherwisee) with characters and speaches and a moral. Seems that they were the early version of movies. told in pubs and passed around the country by mouth till eventually we were able to write them down. Most of them are anonamous though, because no one knows who actually created them, they were just written down for posterity's sake. Still, if you are looking for this particular style then I would suggest looking at some tudor and Elizabethen Verse, or researching so traditional ballads (not to be confused with slow love songs ) Here ends the lesson, children. Hope to see you in class next week. Serious, I think I sound a bit patronising here, sorry. I spent far too long studying this stuff Too many essays. Oh the essays! They never ended!

I am nothing, No skills, no original thought, No distinction or saving grace. Nothing fills me, No purpose, no grand plan, goal or reason for all. Nothing guides me, So I float, trapped by the freedom to go where I will, Why should I move, when moving would put me right back here? Every door I step through leads me to this room. I can see only one step to take, Where pointlessness is removed, freedom rescinded. Only when I can step no more. What if I choose to give up choice? *NOTE: that should be weary in the title, if anyone could change it I would be grateful *

Ah, but it says sufficient evidence, not proof. Besides, not even science always has solid undeniable proof. Still, That was essentially a fifth of my answer. Anyone else got some answers?

I adore the rhythm and structure. they are simple and catchy (much like a song, or ditty ) As Elwen says, it gives the effect of making the piece pretty and chilling at the same time. As to your words, I like them, but they do seem a little flat to me, perhaps if there were more to it. I love a good traditional ballad (Gawd knows I studied enough of them in classes ) and this has the ring of one to me. It has that potential, but it's just a suggest. Nothing tells a story quite like a ballad! yay ballads!! I think I am gonna go find my book of ballads now. hehehehehehee!!!

Your friend has a wonderful narrative style to her work that is compelling. I would enjoy seeing more if there is some, and convey my praise to her, it is an excellent piece

That was pure joy to read. The symetary makes a lot of sense, not just there because it would be neat but adds to the poem. Also, excellent use of contrast and comparison. Can't praise enough!

one of the more original pieces I have seen recently, and well done too. I like.

Your sig is so amazingly funny! thought I'd let ya know Erm, for the rest of you sorry for wasting your time, really shouldn't do that should I? tisn't polite. must be something. OH! This was one of my exam questions last week, how bout anyone wants to can try to answer it here This is from a philosophy of Religion exam: ' " It is wrong to believe in something without sufficient evidence" Discuss.'