Cyril Darkcloud

OK, that being said, here are a couple initial reflections that might be helpful as you go about the process of selecting and preparing your work for presentation elsewhere [i'm not ready to recommend specific pieces yet as I have't even read everything ] Curiously enough, one of the most striking experiences I had in browsing the work you posted at your site was a visual one. Each of the pieces was formatted so that its text was centered in the window. As this is not the usual way text is presented it is something that does catch the attention, and in catching the attention repeatedly it raises a couple worthwhile questions: 1. Given that you have posted a couple pieces both here and on your website, and have used different formatting options in the two places, are you perhaps a little too indifferent to the way you present your text to the eye of your readers? For example, an all-centered format works well with some short pieces, but on a purely visual level can be difficult to work through in a longer piece. Also, the centered format is a striking option that commands the attention and so is best used on select pieces that can take advantage of the visual surprise. How your text meets the eye is an important thing – you’d be surprised at how often a reader can make a judgment or impression about a piece of poetry just by looking at it. In thinking about which pieces to present to a publisher, it might be wise to think about how to present them as well. 2. Do you have a reason for the way you decide to start and stop a line of verse? For example is each line a complete sentence or a distinct idea or a certain number of syllables? Again, poetry is often as much about how your words are placed relative to each other as it is about what words you use. There’s no absolute rule to follow here, but a bit of attentiveness to this can go a long way to changing a decent poem into a powerful poem. In your poem Reality from Memories you have a stanza that you present in the following way [centered, however]: I have always been there for you You know this to be true I always opened my heart; gave you the warmth, I will not let this go to waste; Let you wander away, Never forgetting what there was for us; What there could have been.. Is there a reason why that form is used as opposed to: [NOTE - I am only changing the arrangement of your lines] I have always been there for you You know this to be true I always opened my heart; gave you the warmth, I will not let this go to waste; Let you wander away, Never forgetting what there was for us; What there could have been.. Neither one is necessarily better than the other, but each way of arranging the words does produce a different way of experiencing them. It might be worth playing with a couple different ways of arranging the words of one or two of your poems to see if the layout makes any improvement. 3. Are you attentive enough to spelling, grammar and punctuation? Admittedly, poetry has its flexible side. That flexibility is best used well, however and not taken for granted. Quite a few of your pieces need to be edited for spelling and this is worth doing sooner rather than later. I know from personal experience how a poorly proofread piece of writing can shoot down an awful lot of work simply because spelling and grammar mistakes can give the impression that the writer is sloppy and unconcerned with what he writes. You've put a lot of yourself into your work and there is no need for something as minor and as easily correctible as this to give the wrong impression. Since I've only read a portion of your stuff, it seemed best to begin with what I hope are some helpful and general pieces of feedback. I'll try and put a few more thoughts together for you over the next couple days once my schedule frees up again.

Tasslehoff, I like your stuff. Let me just be clear about this before I say anything else because I do not want that fact to be overlooked as I make a couple suggestions of things to think about in your writing. Let me also say that I am not a professional poet, nor am I a professional poetry critic. What I am is a man that thinks good reading is as much an art as good writing and has tried to master both arts as best he can -- thus take anything I say with a good-sized grain of salt. This is your work and it's clearly important to you and I'd simply like to see it be as strong as it can be.

Very nicely done, Vlad. I posted some more detailed thoughts about this piece in the Critics' Corner.

For those who would like to read Vlad’s poem it can be found here. Vlad, your use of structure in this piece is simply fantastic. In fact, it is the visual impact of the way you placed the words on the page that gives those same words much of their effectiveness. The poem has a clear movement that can be followed with the eye and it is in following that movement with the eye that the words obtain force beyond what they would have if they were simply arranged into a conventional pattern. The visual symmetry in the structure of your stanzas is nearly perfect – with the second stanza being a small amount more narrow than the first, which is itself a neat touch [intended or not, it’s cool]. The overall pattern seems evocative of a pair of wings – an image which itself evokes movement. The movement of the poem itself follows the lines of these wings. The first stanza begins with a generalized dreaming and brooding that gets more specific as the lines get smaller and tighter. Each line holds its own thought and those thoughts become more focused until they reach a single point – the issue of lies. The two word line “Your lies” that ends the first stanza gets immediately sharpened by the one word question that opens the second. This very sharp question opens up in the following lines into other questions that become more insistent and more general until the very broad “everyone you meet” of the final line. This final line moves really quickly as the words move rapidly [good use of a quick rhythm here] only to end abruptly with that well-placed comma. That comma refocuses us again and the sudden stopping of movement leads to a sudden closing of the wings of the poem around the very lonely and isolated “Me.” The single word that begins the last stanza and the final word of the poem form into a neat doublet asking the question "Why me?" Simply put, this is just a super piece of work. The use of structure like this can be a bit gimmicky if it’s not done carefully and well, but you succeed very well here. I’m looking forward to seeing more of your stuff on the boards.

Thirsts are many and varied things, things that set a life to seeking what is needed, what is wanted, what is lacking. Many be the thirsts of life. Few the lives of lucky strength that satisfy the urge of thirst. Many, many more the lives that in their thirsting fall to the slaking of another’s urge. Much intensity spoken in a few words. The rhythmic movement of the piece and the use of rhyme are skillfully handled -- it flows quickly and smoothly without losing its force. Nicely done. I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff. Good luck with your application!

The coupling of pain with disgrace in the last stanza in the revision is a fine example of near rhyme. Honestly -- many of my own uses of this tool are simply the result of playing around with different ways of saying things rather hunting for specific words. Don't think you have to hurry with things like revisions -- you have a good piece and sometimes we just need to let a bit of writing be for a little while before we can do much with it. The original impulse which pulls us to write can sometimes produce a finished product quickly and other times be so strong as to get in the way of editing our work. There can be a real value in just "living with" a poem for a few days and letting it find its own way of speaking. Your work precisely as work that you do and that comes from you is worth the wait -- not just my patience or any other reader's patience, but your own. Again, thanks for sharing it.

Rune's work can be found here. Rune, I’m going to echo Peredhil’s comments – this is a very fine, even impressive first attempt at writing serious poetry. You make use of meter [the rhythm produced by the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in words], a pattern of rhyme and a metaphor developed through the use of consistent imagery. That is no small thing to put together for a practiced writer. A couple things to think about as you look this over: 1. Concerning the use of rhyme – You make use of a scheme that gives every line a rhyming partner. This is a good thing, but it can produce a sing-song quality which at times can weaken a serious theme. Obviously one can avoid that by being willing to break the pattern at a key point in the poem or by using a different pattern of rhyme. Another way to do it, however, which most young writers miss is by the use of “near rhymes” which make use of similar rather than identical sounds – such as coupling wings with thinks in your first stanza, for example. 2. Good sentence order – With a few exceptions, good poetry should make use of the way language is spoken. Inverting the natural order of words to make them fit into a rhyme scheme or some other pattern is generally a thing that weakens a piece – “what ahead it sees” in stanza 4, line 2 is an example of this. There is simply no obvious advantage that this inversion of the normal flow of English gives here. Note, however, that one of the really intriguing elements of this piece is an example of excellent use of sentence structure. Your initial stanzas make use of a very simple and straightforward declarative sentence form – it reaches; it closes; it looks; it musters. Your final stanza, however, introduces a much more complex sentence form that begins with multiple participial phrases – bonded by, lowering. This is a very effective change and one that adds impact to your concluding section. Intentional or not, this is a really cool touch – nicely done. 3. Strong and weak words – Not all words have the same impact. In general verbs, closely followed by nouns, are the strongest words. Adjectives are generally weaker and adverbs tend to be the weakest of all. If at all possible say things with direct action verbs and striking nouns and be careful in your choice of adjectives. In this line, for example – except increase its fears, its twisted wretched bonds – you compare fear to chains and shackles but the metaphor is not as strong as it could be. And linguistically, bonds are seldom twisted and wretched – these are very negative personal qualities. For the most part, your words work well together – again a very good thing, especially in a first draft. A few of your words are weak, however, simply because they are not good fits for the piece itself and it images – the final stanzas coupling of “gloom and doom” as rhyme partners is an example of this. This is a tired combination that we all use way too much. “Pushes forth its might” in stanza 2 sounds a bit strange as well – almost like a bit of Elizabethan poetry stepping into the simple images you are working with. 4. Keep writing! I can’t stress this enough. You have made a very good start here, Rune. You’ve taken a difficult theme and written about it well. The hard work has been done, what remains is simply building on that. By all means keep working with it – multiple drafts are a good thing, not a sign of failure. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing more of your stuff.

Tasslehoff, I've spent a bit of time exploring your site and reading through some of the things you've posted here. You have some very promising stuff. Your output is a bit daunting, however -- I wish I had half of your productivity Given both that you have written so many pieces and the ebb and flow in the amount of free time that I have during any given day, it seemed wise to start a thread here where I can begin collecting some thoughts about your work and posting them as I get the chance. I hope you don't mind such a disjointed approach. Hopefully a few other members will also see this thread and post some of their analysis as well. I'll try and start posting some thoughts for you within the next day or two. _______________________________ For those who might have missed his thread in the Cabaret Room, our favorite kender is asking for some critical responses to his work as he'd like to explore the possibility of getting some things published. In addition to the works he has posted here at the Pen, he has a number of other poems at his website that he'd like us to read.

As a couple of the members here know, I’ve been fairly swamped with work lately while trying to draft the preliminary arguments of my dissertation proposal. Last week I turned into my readers 2 rather lengthy papers that I had hoped would successfully state the main argument of the dissertation as well as credibly outline the methodological approach I had developed for the project. I just received word from them that both papers were very well received and that if all goes well I might be able to wrap up the writing of the thesis and graduate a couple months sooner than expected. In other words, it looks like there really is daylight to be seen at the end of the grad school tunnel and that I just might reach that daylight soon, and that’s a pretty cool thing that seemed worth sharing. * A very happy and very tired Cyril steps off the balcony and into the moving air so that the winds might bear him to a place of rest *

Only one who truly knows how to love can remember like that. – Anton Chekov Simply worded and powerfully spoken, this is a truly fine piece of writing – well done from beginning to end.

A few thoughts stimulated by the initial post and subsequent discussion: There is more of wilderness than there is of meadow about the human heart, and within its fierce and forbidding landscapes are vistas bold with a beauty as dangerous as it is compelling. The winds of the heart change swiftly and the storms of the heart are sudden and many are the travelers who lose their way within its craggy peaks where the air is thin and the sun is bright for it is difficult to breathe in such a fickle wind and harder still to see in such a stunning light. You raise an important topic to think about, Quincunx. Thanks for doing so.

Yeah, it might be summer but it’s cold in here tonight. Can’t see my breath and there ain’t no snow coming down but I’m walking real careful in case I step on some ice. Your eyes slip away from mine. Our hands are numb and their reaching fingers just don’t feel each other’s arms. And just like mine is your tongue is frozen to the steel of things too long unsaid inside the hard packed snowy banks of pain we never could get past. And I’m afraid it’s gonna be a long cold summer, because just like winter takes its time in coming, it’s gonna take its time to pass.

The distinct cadences of the kender's speech reach his ears upon the wind even above the clinking of glasses and the shuffling of members within the banquet room. ~ An intriguing beginning ~ he thinks. ~ One that holds much promise. ~ The next sounds the air carries to him are those of small hands rummaging through surprisingly copious pouches. ~ Should this kender be like others I have met, this sorting through pouches and pockets could take a while. ~ He smiles to himself and sits down to wait for the rest of the poem. ooc: A nice start, Tasslehoff. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Blondemoon, I've enjoyed what I've read of your work on the boards here these last few weeks. There is an intriguing structure running through this piece that lends a certain ease of movement to your words and ideas. Nicely done. I'll try and post some more detailed feedback to your stuff in the Critics' Corner some time in the next few days.

Words sometimes once they’ve left the hand and the ink has dried fixing them upon the page shine like silvered glass within the light of reading’s glance and show features hidden carefully over time beneath the scribed veneer their author shows to other eyes. A piece at once thought-provoking, well-written and stimulating. Nicely done

Bumping this up for some more folks to see it and because I have a couple questions Tasslehoff, do you have a time frame in mind for this? Do you want any specific feedback other than the titles of which poems we like?

* Recognizing that a simple picture is more eloquent than whatever words he may add, he simply points here * [You might need to right click the link to download the photo]

Rune, it’s about time you applied! And since it seems that someone who has offered so much to the community here should receive a fuller response than that ...... ic: There is a new movement here among the breezes of recently posted words, a gust that has been gathering for some time and has burst now into movement. There is a nervousness about it that reminds him of the day some months ago when he stood here in this high and lonely place where the exhalation of thoughts into words begins, the day he came to seek out the the words of his own first post. He smiles for this is the breeze for whose coming he had waited wondering how long it would be before the small one would gather her expressiveness into the breath and words of an application. Another burst of breath reaches him then in the wake of the well-written syllables of role playing followed by essay, the frustrated grumbling of an almost-draconic tongue directed at a strangely proud and stubborn door. A sturdy door it is and secure in its place and selective it would seem in whom it allows to pass. But doors are barriers for bodies and few are the doors that are proof against the movement of breath upon the wind. He speaks in a whisper, sending gathered words outward along the moving currents of air until they drift toward the office and move easily through the keyhole into the room where they speak within the air around the small one: Confidence and comfort are curiously coupled things, each in turn giving rise to the other out of the intertwining of welcome, acceptance and the finding of place. Welcome is yours. as well as acceptance I do not doubt and ample room within which to find your place in the speaking and hearing and reading of words from which comfort and confidence in time will emerge. ooc: Needless to say I really enjoyed your application.

A pleasure it was indeed to read such agile words in metered rhyme whose dance adds vigor, grace and life to a tried and true but tired theme. Indeed, it is in words like these with their rhyming dance of back and forth wherein lies the bright and priceless worth of the romantic coin of poetry. Good fun. Clever, well-crafted and wonderfully delivered. A truly delightful read from beginning to end!

Hurled from birth, it has been said, are the frail children of fleeting time on a course that ends in absence and in dust and the falling still of voice and limb. Alive are those, it has been said, whose eyes refuse to turn away from the abrupt and sudden ending of the road and in their steady forward running gaze perceive a life and rest that lies much deeper than earthen graves. A provocative and important theme. Well-chosen and on the whole a well-presented engagement with a difficult topic. Now that you've managed to get the words and ideas down, it might be worth playing with a some ways of restating your ideas -- there are a couple places that could benefit from a second look. The last line, for example, is weaker than it could be, for example, as it simply states something your other words have made obvious. Again, however, simply needing to play with the wording in a couple spots is a good problem to have -- it's the sign of a nice bit of writing. As for a title -- Journey's End is what came to mind as I read it and spent a little time thinking about its words.

DoomGaze, congratulations on some very fine work. Welcome to the Pen!

* Stops in his tracks, stunned by such complimentary words * :yuiwink2: Thank you all for the kind words and feedback. Rune, I'll be happy to elaborate a bit on the way this piece is put together. It'll take a few days to do it, however, as I'm presently buried under a mountain of work. Grad school, as much fun as it generally is, has its moments of crazed working -- especially for those trying to finish up -- and I'm caught in one of those periods *LOL*

Rune, I’ve been meaning to comment on your remark for a few days now as it is a very perceptive comment. In fact, there is an entire way of understanding literature which makes the insight you express here its point of departure. Simply put, it asserts that what defines a text as ‘literary’ is the way in which it leaves room for the reader to find and discover meaning within it. For example, the phone book or a textbook of basic algebra are texts that allow no room for the reader to enter them – they simply state what the facts are and what their meaning must be. On the other hand, a text that is poorly or randomly written will often force the reader to invest so much of himself or herself into trying to understand it that essentially whatever meaning is expressed is simply the reader’s. Literature, on the other hand, happens when a well written text has both enough content to provide the possibility of meaning and enough space for the reader to enter it and move within its words and themes. Truly great writing is the kind whose spaces are deep enough that important aspects of the reader’s life are invited into them. OK - I’m done with the academic language! *LOL* All of this is simply to say that you make a very good point. And one that I think Jonathan’s work here illustrates rather well.

Morning Lines I heard those other birds, I heard the little ones throwing songs from their throats at the first hint of sun, bright chirps taking flight as those first pale spears thrust into the night and cut a chunk of day out of the sky. As the night was pierced and the black drained away, I heard their throats empty of happy little songs and their silent, reverent pause as the sun began to climb. Then I heard the crows awake and throw their brazen squawks back up at the sun and I felt the rasp of their calls across my skin and the hangover hoarseness grating in their throats and their feathers beating out a wind. And as the morning lost its song and picked up a whiskey cough, I opened my eyes and knew my day could start.

Jonathan, it's taken me a bit longer than I had originally thought, but I finally managed to post a more detailed attempt at analysis of your poem in the Critics Corner. I'm hardly a professional, so take my thoughts simply as the reflections of an interested reader.