Cyril Darkcloud

****** Deconstruction Zone – Critical Hard Hat Required ****** Note: I spoke with Gwaihir through PM about looking at this piece through a harder critical lens. That being the case, this analysis might seem harsh in a couple places and I want to say up front that this is simply a product of taking up a critical approach which is going to focus first upon the question of what does not work with a piece of writing and not the result of any ill-feeling toward the author on my part. The poem Gwaihir is working on can be found here. As I plan to follow this initial post up with some additional thoughts, I’m going to simply try and list a number of general concerns here that can then be developed a bit later. 1. Genre – The format of the piece suggests to the reader that it is a poem. However, the piece itself does not quite work as a poem. Most of its lines, in fact, could simply be written out as prose sentences without significantly changing the experience of reading them. This suggests that what we have here is, rather, a set of ideas that might become a poem but that have not yet been given that care of expression and form that one expects in a finished piece of poetry. 2. Tone – There is a conversational familiarity about the language of the piece. This is not necessarily a problem and the author may well wish to preserve this tone. However, the casual tone coupled with the casual [meaning not fully developed] wording of the ideas simply adds to the impression that one has an unfinished piece of writing. The piece reads as if it simply ‘came off the top of the head’ and that is seldom a good thing for a piece of poetry. 3. Statement – This term is chosen simply for lack of a better word. It is not clear what the author is trying to say. The piece makes use of the contrast between childhood and young adulthood. It mentions the swiftness of the passing of time. However, it neither develops the movement from childhood to young adulthood nor does it allow the reader to experience any change in the way time is felt to move. If the poem has a “message” the message itself is not clear. If the intention is to create a mood or awaken feelings in the reader, this has not been done as well. Too much is left in the hands of the reader in terms of deciding upon a meaning of the piece. Conclusions – All of the above are fatal to the characterization of this as a finished piece of poetry. All of the above can also be overcome with a bit of work because they also indicate that the material for a finished poem is indeed present here and that the key question is how one is to move from this beginning to a finished poem. Three things need to be done first: 1. The author needs to have a clear sense of what is to be communicated in and through the piece. 2. The tone of the piece, i.e., nostalgic, concerned, reflective, disillusioned, formal, informal, needs to be chosen. 3. The author then needs to revisit the dominant ideas and images of the piece with a critical eye to their effectiveness and form. Note that any of these three elements may well change in the act of rewriting the piece. For rewriting to be effective, however, some basic clarity on al three elements is important. I'll try and have a follow up post put together over the next couple days.

Movement follows hard upon movement and day follows hard upon night and time is made and measured and marked by the motion of bodies that shine in the sky. The movements of life likewise are parceled into the sensible daylight of movement and work and the slumbering night time of rest, from waking to resting to waking again pacing the steady, relentless erasure of darkness by light and the draining of light into dark. A very well-chosen theme to build a poem around, Rune – there’s something about the regular and measured cycling of sun and moon which seems particularly well-suited to verse. It’s easy to forget in this age of electric lights and often sleepless nights that for the bulk of human history the cycles and movements of human life were shaped to accord with these same movements of sun and moon. You take an intriguing approach here to the contrast between night and day that goes beyond simply being the difference between dark and light and it might be worth trying to sharpen that a bit. Thanks for sharing such a creative piece of writing – it’s a fun read.

Glad to hear that, Tasslehoff. I've certainly found with regard to my own stuff that there is a real value in going back to earlier pieces and simply hearing their voices again. Often doing that can give some interesting ideas as to how to improve them or even suggest new avenues to explore in writing. I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

* dusts off his very rusty French skills * La femme qui est au-dessus de moi a écrit plusieurs oeuvres charmantes pour notre tribune française. [Trying to say– The woman who is above me has written several charming pieces for our French Forum.]

Neat idea, Hanna. Thanks for all of the hard work you've been putting in. A quick note -- The text in the Help Window might be difficult for some folks to read as it is white on a light background.

I’ve been watching for you to start writing again and I know that what I’ve just read was well worth the wait. Glad you’re back. Mistral this is a piece or writing that is as touching as it is well put together. Nicely done.

Blondemoon, it's often the case that we write without paying much explicit attention to the details of technique and structure which we only tend to notice upon reflection or when trying to rewrite a piece of poetry. Sometimes ideas themselves suggest patterns and structures that we are not conscious of choosing and so they emerge in our work and we find ourselves a bit mystified as to how they got there in the first place. I've found that stopping to take a look at things like that can be very helpful in figuring out what's going in those parts of a piece of writing that somehow seem off kilter or that do not quite work. It can also be very helpful in sharpening and clarifying the stronger features of given work as well. That being said, here are a few more thoughts on your poem: Stanza 4 - There is a definite shift here. The unit begins with the familiar 2 word opening line [although these 2 words now have a total 3 syllables]. This first line is also an ambiguous statement – the reader does not immediately know if it is a description or a quotation, for example. The second line clarifies the ambiguity, but introduces as second – is the ‘I’ the speaker of “so sorry” or the narrator of the poem? A suggestion - You might want to consider making use of quotation marks here to set of the remembered speech or try rearranging the words to eliminate some of the confusion here and to sharpen the statements. For example: You say, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t..... Beginning here with “You say” has 3 advantages, it eliminates confusion over who is saying what, it maintains the 2 word/2 syllable opening line pattern, and it forms a stronger connection with the next stanza by making a parallel with “I say” Since you have made such good use of parallelisms in the poem something like this would seem worth considering. There is a very nice touch in this unit – however it is framed, the words assigned to “You” are actually spoken by the narrator. This is an observed address rather than a direct statement from “You.” The “I” of this stanza is indirect, unlike that of the following. Stanza 5 - Once again a 2 word, 2 syllable beginning. Here, the “I say” forms an antithetic parallel with the previous stanza in that it is a direct statement rather than words attributed to the other. the following lines then, pick up on the antithetic character of the stanza by forming a type of rebuttal to the statement assigned to “You” in the previous unit. The contrast between “I” and “You” is now very firmly established. Stanza 6 - Again a 2 word beginning, and here the extra syllable in the line works very well to lend an emphatic note to the words – another reason to look at redoing stanza 4 a bit as it’s worth maximizing the impact of the slight breaking of form here. Once again you do a nice job of maintaining continuity between the stanzas and this extension of the idea of the previous stanza sets up the subsequent theme of tiredness very well. An interesting issue – In the poem as written, it is unclear where the narrator’s direct statement to ‘You’ ends – is the unit that begins with “Tired of” part of this statement or is it a return to the more descriptive character of the first 3 stanzas?

Tasslehoff, I’ve spent a fair amount of time on your site and after reading each of the poems [a number of them twice], the following are the ones that I think show the most promise: 1. Camino Palmero - which can be read here. 2. Pouring Hope - which can be read here. 3. The Fourth - which can be read here. 4. Time - which can be read here. 5. Washing Love - which can be read here. 6. You and Me - which can be read here. I chose these on the basis of the creativity of the central ideas and images you make use of as well as the quality of your descriptive language. Every one of them does need a fair amount of work. This is not to say they’re bad or weak, only that they can be made into much more effective pieces with a bit of attention and effort, and that given how much of yourself has obviously been put into writing them it is worthwhile to make them as strong as you can. Rewriting is not a bad thing, but a good thing and something we all need to do. Again, as I noted above, this is your work and you’re the one whose time and energy will be invested in working on these pieces and so I will simply repeat the I think each of these pieces has good potential but will not narrow the list further myself. Also, by proposing a smaller list of pieces [12 is a much more manageable number than 60 ] hopefully you’ll be able to get a bit more feedback.

Reverie, this is a very fine piece of writing. Breaking the poem into three blocks of repeating structure is a neat touch, especially in the way you allow the ideas and words of the piece to echo and develop across them. The second and third blocks work particularly well together and flow to a striking conclusion. If I might make one small suggestion about the first section -- you might want to take another look at the fourth line of the poem it doesn't quite work and unless I've missed something I do not see any benefit the line gives to offset that. Still, however, that is a small thing in what is both a very good read and a very well written poem. I not only enjoyed watching this come together in the Writers’ Workshop, but I’ve stopped in here a few times now to enjoy the finished product.

Thank you all for the kind words -- this one has been percolating for quite a while and I wasn't sure if it would ever get written. Crowgirl, your opinions are very much worthy of my, or anyone else's consideration! I'm probably going to let this one sit for a while now that it's written, but once I get around to looking at it again your observation will be one of the things I'll make it a point to consider as I try and tweak the wording a bit. Details like that are important -- please do not hesitate in sharing them.

What is it about the expressiveness of staring eyes that so readily claims and redirects the gazing of the heart to the hidden places and events that linger in another’s sight, places our own eyes have never met and events that only through the distant expressiveness of staring eyes impress themselves upon our lives? A touching and well-crafted piece of writing. Welcome to the Pen and good luck with your application!

Goodbye Powerful is the opening wide of the eyes in finding and discovery’s bending of the hard lines of the face in spontaneous smile. The wonder of finding seeks the prolonged embrace, the shared warmth, of the mutual holding of seeker and treasure in possession of what together has been unearthed. Only when the swollen eyes of wonder learn the narrow gaze of care may they see that although seeking's exhaled desire may rightly be inhaled as love, the words this breathing utters sometimes obscure the whisper of that cleaner air within whose winds might be the breath of separating goodbye by which the treasure may come to find herself.

Cutting this comment out for now -- as the Critic's Corner may be a more appropriate place for it. After I finish commenting on your other piece *LOL*

Juat a few quick thoughts based on post and responses: Can it be that forgetting is the secret of finding? Is it, perhaps, that standing oneself in the pain of another is the essence of listening, and the embracing of flaws the beginning of mending? Maybe, then, it is only aiding the growth of another which opens the way to that beautiful and curious finding where one rediscovers the good in a life that had first been forgotten. A very fine piece of writing. It is not often that one has occasion to describe the structure of a poem as gentle in its simplicity, but that seems an apt description in this case. *Applauds as politely as he can *

Just a quick addendum to the above post: Tasslehoff, I am not going to narrow those 6 poems above down to 1 or 2 specific favorites of my own. I think each of them has good potential, but you need to be the one who ultimately selects which pieces he'd like to work on to present elsewhere. Hopefully, if you agree with my recommendations above, you'll have a smaller pool of pieces to ask the other members to look at and can thus get the advantage of having a few other voices state their preferences. I'll try and put together a similar list of what I think are your stronger and/or more promising pieces from your website some time during the next few days. Life is looking busy out this way, however, so it might take a little longer. BTW - Just a reminder since you asked me to stay on you about this: It's never too soon to start fixing up your spelling and grammar issues in these pieces.

Crying there was in the streets that day that day the pennants came that bore the sign of a shining heart Crying there was in the streets that day that day the swords came that caught the light of the morning sun Crying there was in the streets that day that day the knights came with pennants and swords and struck us down under the light of the morning sun in the name of the sign of a shining heart.

Tasslehoff, I’ve searched out everything you’ve posted here since the move to the new Forum and spent some time reading not just the poems themselves but also the reactions of the members who responded. Based on the responses of other members, your own comments about the work and my own sense of the quality and/or potential quality of the writing, I’m proposing the following 6 pieces as the most interesting and promising poems of those you’ve posted here since the move. [Note - I still have not read through everything on your website, but these should be a good place to start] 1. Eternity Locks which can be found here. 2. Double Vision which can be found here. 3. Explicit First Love which can be found here. 4. Unrelenting which can be found here. 5. Hidden Questions which can be found here. 6. Nostro Piccolo Segreto which can be found here. You’ve got some good stuff here, but each one of these still needs to be worked on – Hidden Questions and Double Vision especially so – as all of them have some rough features that require attention. But each of these has the potential to be a strong poem. Once I get a chance to read through the rest of the pieces on your site I’ll try and ‘recommend’ another few pieces to you.

What better things to read on a day better known for softer words and sugared sentiments than the clear cadences that are born of the stern and vigorous movements with which the heart pumps unsweetened blood? Cerulean, these pieces are stunning. In fact, it was a real pleasure to be logged on this morning and watch them take shape over in the Writers’ Workshop. You have quite a talent.

Still they stand, these things we’ve built from the broken stones of collapsed ideals, witnesses of weathered rock and wind tossed dust to the folly that lingers after the crumbling of trust. A skillful and consistent use of meter and sound and an evocative progression of images -- a very nice piece of writing.

Fond wishes on this day which marks the forward movement of your life and the breathing in today of tomorrow’s air. Fond wishes for you today and the best of hopes for all of your many possible tomorrows. And, since sometimes its best to speak in a somewhat less vague and cryptic way all I really mean to say is have a very, very happy birthday! Wishing you all the best, Cyril

Feedback posted in the Critics' Corner located here

For those who would like to read Blondemoon’s poem, it can be found here. Blondemoon, as I’ve noted in my initial response to this piece, I have really enjoyed reading your stuff. You have a real gift in being able to use simple and direct statements in a way that allows you to evoke an impressive range of feelings and meaning from a few words. A few observations about structure and flow: Stanza 1 - The poem begins strong with a short imperative sentence of 2 syllables. This is quickly followed in the next line by 2 more imperatives which reinforce the first. This is a fine example of what some call “synthetic parallelism” or the reinforcing of an idea by restating it in different words that highlight another dimension of the idea. This strong imperative is reinforced further in line 3 which explains it as “always” being done and line 4 which insists that teasing happens even when the person being spoken to does not intend it. In 4 short lines you engage the reader with the implied “You” of the imperative and at the same time give a real force to the words of the implied speaker of the piece. Stanza 2 - This also begins with a 2 syllable imperative that sharpens and reinforces what was said in the previous stanza – another good use of synthetic parallels. Again you move to a second imperative in line 2 – yet another parallelism. This stanza ends with an observation about the person “you” has become, possibly without realizing it. Stanza 3 - Again you use a 2 word/2 syllable statement to start, but this time you break the pattern by making a declarative statement about “I” the speaker of the words of the poem. This is very well done and it sets this stanza off as a sort of contrast to the previous statements in much the same way the “I” and the “You” of the conversation are in a sort of contrasted opposition. This is an example of “antithetic parallelism” and it is a very fine example at that. You follow this short declaration with the other lines of the stanza that continue it and explain it. The “I” of the poem is aware of what he/she is doing even if the “you” is not aware of the consequences of his/her actions. The contrast between “I” and “You” is sharpened by the statement about wished for meaning in lines 3 and for which picks up the note of misguided intentionality with which you close stanza 1 – that is a very nice touch! _________________________________ These first three stanzas are very well-written and, on a structural level, are the strongest part of the poem. I like the rest of the poem as well, but I’m stopping here for now simply because this has become a long post and I’d like to take a little more time to think about the other parts of the poem before composing any more comments. Again, thanks for a fun read and keep writing.

Its name is Whisper, this small owl that sits on his shoulder as he closes the small and well-worn book through which he had been leafing. He speaks softly in the tongue of those things which move about in the air and the small owl takes the book in its talons and flies silently into the banquet room. Hooting quietly to attract the attention of the small one, the owl drops the book into her hands. It turns and its silent flight carries it swiftly away from this place of light and sound. The book itself is a small drama written some time ago by a young Eugene O’Neill and is titled The Great God Brown. ooc: Rune, you might enjoy reading this play if you can find it. It deals with a subject similar to the one in your poem. The play is about a young man who protects himself by means of a mask, only to find himself unable to remove it because the young woman he loves has herself fallen in love with the mask he wears and refuses to ever recognize him as the person he truly is. I’ve seen the play in collections of O’Neill’s work.

Very well done, Yui. You have a remarkable way with both characterization and atmosphere in your storytelling. I posted a few additional thoughts in the Critics' Corner.

Yui, the revised piece is even stronger than the original. Your characterizations of both the narrator and the audience are striking, effective skillfully rendered. A particularly nice touch is the way you echo the detail of the chores of the villagers in your description of how they gather and how they leave the place where the story is told. I think I see what you mean when you mention feeling that somehow you've blunted a couple aspects of the tale , however. You might want to take another look at the way you wrote the dialogue for Fate in the middle of the piece. By introducing this new element you changed the center of gravity of the story, effectively locating it here. Unfortunately this is just not strong enough to bear the weight of the very well-written elements it needs to support. Fate's voice is surprisingly weak and that weakness affects the other elements of the piece. What Fate says for herself is not as strong as what the narrator says about her. You've created a sort of mythic ambient in the narration and one of the great hallmarks of mythic storytelling is that the speech of the divine powers, whether they be the gods or the fates or something else, is always a thing of great impact and force. It is also often speech which says much with few words -- consider using gestures and describing the reactions of the villagers to what they see in the storyteller's eyes or face. For what it's worth -- Book I of the Iliad might be an interesting place to look for a model of how to handle such a scene. Thank you once again for sharing a truly fine piece of writing.