Peredhil

I agree. The finished product is great and I hope you bask in my admiration... but seeing how another poet thinking and revises helps me to grow too - and that's even better. Thank you once again.

Commentary thread in Critic's Corner here

Laughs long and hard. I love your freestyle ranting replies. I'm reading you five by five.

I am your greatest fear (5) Your nightmare (3) I torture you in your dreams (7) Every night you wake up screaming ( While I laugh at your pain (6) I am why you wake in a cold sweat (9) And still I will continue (7) To haunt your mine (4) (mine== mind) Tear at your vary being (7) (vary == very) Why? (1) Because I am The Nightmare (7) Thoughts... just brainstorming. Your Nightmare... The Nightmare... I don't get a feeling of transition between the two. I did the syllable count, but with a nightmare, it maybe should be disjointed. You have a lot of seven syllable lines, maybe you could make them a base and alternate with syllable chops on the other lines. 3, 7, 9, 7, 4, 7, 8, 7 .... I like the way you involve the different senses. screaming. sweat. pain. Maybe more specific? Visions for sight. nasty rotten smells? you end with the mind leading to the core being of the individual, that's a nice draw together. Hmmm. Maybe that's one thing - are you writing to an individual, or to humanity? could be worked effectively either way. I really think you have the core of something good here. There's a raw power, and nightmares strike a common chord. On a different note, I happen to enjoy even my nightmares. For years, I'd work the more vivid ones into my FARS campaigns. Insert evil laugh here I look forward to seeing where you go with this, now that you've made it real getting it out where you can see it. If you do a rewrite - repost! So we can compare, okay? -Peredhil

Interesting. I find that if I can impose structure on my life, make some things routine, it frees me to go higher and further in other areas. You've got the five syllables in each line. Now's the time to read it outloud. look for hard and soft syllables and try to balance them. You might also try varying off the 5 all the way through.

The Poem of Dorian Gray! More seriously, I think a lot of people go to great lengths to avoid exposing their inner wounds to the world. Sometimes letting in the light is the only way you can heal.

That was really well written. I had neato visuals off of it. I can only assume part two, the Derelict's Revenge, is coming? It's nice to read something not Fantasy, that's well written, at the Pen.

Considers this post in light of his experience with the guild, The Polite Magi... I guess one lavalamp can't fit EVERYONE! Good post.

Hugs and picks Poetic Justice from his pocket.

Exceptionally good. The grammar/spelling does tarnish your otherwise golden imagery. I enjoyed reading this. Reminded me of a Tarot reading in a way. The inverted Fool becoming the Hanged Man, crossed by the Magician, progressing through the World and Tower, betrayed by the Lovers, etc etc. I think it's difficult to write a meaningful Fairy Tale now-a-days. You've succeeded. -P

While I'm not the most educated on hip-hop, this sounds pretty tight to me.

Keyboard definitely. It allows my fingertips to flow before the Censor in my mind can check (and delete it) for clarity, consistency, content, etc. In the days of Pen and Paper, The blank page would defeat me and I'd end up defenestrating the pad. word processing definitely.

Since LotG has never joined the Pen except as a Guest, I don't think he can even see the new area Zool...

And now I need to print this and compare with the poem. Very insightful and full of things I tend to do intuitively. I used to have to think about some of these things - and I should again. Reminds me of the Concert Pianist that discovered he had difficulty playing scales when he tried to teach his son. His comment makes a grand aphorism: "Always take time to relearn the basics." Thank you Cyril.

I like this so far.

Cheers Cyril as Da Feedback MAN! Heh, I love your feedback - even if it were all an illusion - and you didn't think before you posted - you cause ME to think. Hugs and sits back to listen.

Peredhil rereads this thoughtfully... Remind me not to mess with your Wiggly Cabbages...

Welcome... Feel free to write here. The standards are loosely listed in the Codex, link at the top of every page. I look forward to seeing some of your work. -Peredhil

I wish I'd read this back when I was really into Greek Mythology. It has that classical air about it, and summons the feelings I had from then. Nifty.

Impatience... Yes. I think my most dangerous times weren't the ones where I felt unloved, misunderstood, dramatic, or any of the 'reasons'. I think they were times when I'd felt so badly, for no reason, for so long, that I had no energy or desire to feel anything any more at all. Perhaps it IS an endurance race.

I like this. I think we all feel insane inside our own heads, if we are ruled by passion. I look forward to catching all your poetry in one play, where I can work through it and watch your growth, like counting rings in a severed tree trunk.

Oophm. With the impact of a body blow. Good writing! hugs

Peredhil stepped from the still shuddering van and looked at the smoldering rubber tracks behind it. He looked at Mr. Vincent. With a sigh and a hand gesture, he summoned a Portal for Guido and Nuncio, who were laughing so hard with their paws over their mouths that they would obviously be no help at all. "Are you SURE?" He recoiled a bit at the snarl. "I'm sensing a great deal of hostility about the slowness of Promotions of late. You know, the Elders have done a GREAT deal of talking on that very subject of late." Vincent whirled, his eyes flashing. "TALK! Even my online personae are gonna die of old age before action is taken!!!" "I'm sorry, I don't think it's that bad. Is that how it feels to you?." Another snarl and Vincent twisted away again, at the limits of his control. His hands worked spasmodically. All he'd wanted was a simple kidnapping, a great roleplaying thread, and an overdue promotion. Then this puppy-eyed Polite nitwit had interfered! Just ONE MORE WORD from Peredhil and he knew he was going to SNAP! And he knew he'd feel all guilty cause Peredhil would probably help him to kick him! "Do you need a hug?" Came the hesitant helpful voice. His inarticulate scream conveyed volumes to the suddenly alert Bodyguards. It was times like these that they were glad Elrohir had made the Boss forge their Faerie Dragon Rings. There was a pop of displaced air and their suits smoldered slightly, but they reached Peredhil before the frothing Vincent could. Nuncio lost his fedora as they pulled Peredhil through the portal, which imploded with a *plop* Only Vincent, the cooling van, and the trailing words "Thank you for the riiiiiide" hovering in the air remained. Meanwhile back at the Pen, the Elders sat looking at various time pieces as Wyvern counted the Peredhil Pool money over and over. The turned at the arrival of the Giant Guinea Pigs and Peredhil, the Pig's suits still trailing small blue flames - which they proceded to beat on putting out. Ignoring Peredhil's cheery, "I'm back, such a nice young man," greeting, they huddled around the table checking the grids of names and times. Wyvern's wail rose above the crowd like a wounded child, bereft of his binky. "THE WIGGLY CABBAGES??? Who bought a slot for the CABBAGES???"

wow. Pictures deadly stilleto dance in dark alleys. wow. Pictures the eyes focused on THE spot of skin, dimpled between vertebrea, the only thought - will I feel anything but grating bone? wow....

Oh so mood dependent! Today, the person I am would reply... Arianne in the Cherryh Cyteen books. The essential lonliness of intelligence mixed with passion. Miles (or maybe Mark...) Vorsigan in the Bujold series. The constant whirl and reaction of trying to get through situation after situation while pretending some modicom of control. Perhaps Boromir in the LotR... The love for others that turns out to be helpless in the face of external influences and events. A sense of misuse by Destiny, even knowing it will all work to a greater good. Hmmm. This is a non-trivial question to me. I'll have to think on it.