Beautiful Nightmare Posted August 15, 2003 Report Share Posted August 15, 2003 (edited) Too many tears i've cried for you Too much crap you put me through "Why?" The voice asks inside my head I look at myself and more tears i shed. "Look what you do to yourself!"the voice screams Its true i did this to myself,or so it seems You ripped out my heart and stood on it Just like all the others, you hit Beat me to a bloody pulp I cried but came back asking for more Each time i forgave you I'm stupid, its true But this is the price i pay for love "Maybe it's me,a quiet voice says Go through the day thinking it's me He comes home and i fix him his tea I smile and say "it's ok, i'll change" He looks at me with big angry eyes "Please don't hit me!", i beg But he hits and he hits until i fall and hit my head I get up and realize im dead I know im stupid I know its true But please do not let this be you, Please do not let this be you! Edited August 23, 2003 by Arwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boaz Posted August 15, 2003 Report Share Posted August 15, 2003 I really know nothing about being able to discuss the critical points of poetry, but I must say that I enjoyed this poem. Enjoyed is not really the word for it though, this isn't a poem that you "enjoy" but rather one of those that is sad, but that takes you along for the ride, making you feel the emotions. I am glad to see you post this Arwen, and look forward to more. ps. now you all know why I try not to reply to others' poems, I tend to ramble, and ramble, without actually saying anything of consequence. pss. again, very nice poem Arwen, kept me involved the whole time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted August 15, 2003 Report Share Posted August 15, 2003 a little polish *laughs*( I'm one to talk ) but good , very emotional . Good work hon keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted August 15, 2003 Report Share Posted August 15, 2003 Peredhil frowns protectively at the idea of anyone hitting his "online daughter" Arwen. A very cautionary tale indeed. It's difficult, when you love someone selfish, to not hope they will change, time after time. But without a strong motivation, very few do. Why should they? Hugs Peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 As Wrenwind said... it could use some polish. But it's still very good. I especially like the last lines. *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 An excellent work. The thoughts behind it, although very sad, are also very true. Stories like this of abuse happen all too often in our society, and I thank you for reminding us to be careful, and always watchful for the signs of abuse in the lives of those around us... or even in our own. Very well done, Arwen, and keep writing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falcon2001 Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 Very good poem. I can't really think of much more - three hours of sleep and all that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL_Snake Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 Very, erm, how do I put it, life-like? It reminds me of domestic violence, which I hate. This will surely touch the hearts of other victims. Well written sweet Elf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanz Posted August 23, 2003 Report Share Posted August 23, 2003 this is a very heart felt poem. went straight to my heart. It was well writen, very sad tho Nice Job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted August 23, 2003 Report Share Posted August 23, 2003 Like Wren said, just a few little touch ups, but the sentiment is definitely there, well done Arwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted August 23, 2003 Report Share Posted August 23, 2003 (edited) Arwen - This is a very heart felt poem.. It brings much sadness to the reader and intrances the reader (atleast me) to read further to see if she does change.. ITs so hard to change. Done wrong but you keep going back. You wonder why and say no, but you just cant.. Its a sad ordeal. Onto the poetic talk though.. I copied your poem below and higlighted anything in blue and put *my* correction in parenthesis (red) As it is already good poem, it could use some work.. Too many tears ive cried for you To much crap you put me through "Why?" The voice asks inside my head I look at myself and more tears i shead. "Look what you did (do) to yourself!".the voices screams Its true i did this to myself but i did not mean ( I understand you are trying to keep the rhyming going, but its seems rushed and almost just doesnt quite fit) You ripped out my heart and stood on it Just like all the others, you hit Beat me to a bloody pulp I cryd (cried) but (I) came back asking for more Each time i forgave you Im stupid its true But this is the price i pay for love (?) "Maybe its me?", (a) quiet voice says I think and go through the day thinking its me ( As I think, and go through my day thinking its me ) He comes home and i fix him his tea I smile and say "its ok ill change" He looks at me with big angry eyes "Please dont hit me!", i beg But he hits and he hits until i fall and hit my head I get up and relise (realize) im dead I know im stupid I know its true But please do not let this be you (Id maybe add the above line again. Kind of give it the "Pleeing" line. As in, you are crying.. and repeating it over and over again trying to help others escape from what you went through.) I hope you dont feel I was too harsh. Waiting to read your next one. Edited August 23, 2003 by Tasslehoff - AngelXIIX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted August 23, 2003 Report Share Posted August 23, 2003 Very true to the real life reality of domestic violence. nicely done. in the sense of "a little polish" as has been mentioned, i'll make a few minor grammar and spelling corrections and suggestions below, mine in red. Too many tears ive (i've) cried for you To (Too) much crap you put me through "Why?" The voice asks inside my head I look at myself and more tears i shead.(shed) "Look what you did to yourself!". (do you need the period after the quote? i don't think so) the voices screams (voices scream, or voice screams) Its true i did this to myself but i did not mean (This seems rushed and a bit incomplete, as well as the acceptance of full responsibility being at odds with the surrounding statements of what the other party did. perhaps something like I did this to myself, or so it seems You ripped out my heart and stood on it Just like all the others, you hit Beat me to a bloody pulp I cryd (cried) but came back asking for more Each time i forgave you Im (I'm) stupid(,) its true But this is the price i pay for love "Maybe its (it's) me?", (a) quiet voice says I think and go through the day thinking its (it's) me (i would delete "think and" and leave it at "I go through the day thinking it's me) He comes home and i fix him his tea I smile and say "its (it's) ok(,) ill (i'll) change" He looks at me with big angry eyes "Please dont (don't) hit me!", i beg But he hits and he hits until i fall and hit my head I get up and relise (realize) im (i'm) dead I know im (i'm) stupid I know its (it's) true But please do not let this be you (perhaps repeat this line for emphasis?) don't be concerned about the amount of red, it's mostly contractions. *hugs* You have an excellent poem here, i'm really looking forward to seeing it polished and shining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beautiful Nightmare Posted August 23, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2003 Thanks everyone for your advice *polishs her poem and grins* I took your advice although now i feel you guys wrote the poem and not me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted August 24, 2003 Report Share Posted August 24, 2003 EEEEK! i'm sorry! that was nowhere even close to what i intended, i'm so sorry! looks frantically about for her eraser to delete her post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted August 24, 2003 Report Share Posted August 24, 2003 Tasselhoff and Ayshela were only trying to help hun The idea of the poem and the subject matter tackled is a difficult one which I believe you did well. The words redone in red are merely tweaking of an already good work. Remember that they are merely suggestions of ways to tweak your poem - as the author you always have the final word. Personally I'd be quite flattered they took the time and effort to read my poem enough and understand it enough that they might try helping me with it - far more time involved than this humble response. Again well done - keep 'em coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted August 25, 2003 Report Share Posted August 25, 2003 Arwen - As Parmenion mentioned we were trying to help. If you felt over whelmed, please tell us so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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