Blondemoon Posted February 5, 2003 Report Share Posted February 5, 2003 you say you don't talk to me as much as you'd like why would you want to? you know nothing of the thoughts that flow through my mind my oh so troubled mind. things that never were there once upon a time when life was good, worries were none, gloom was unknown. my oh so troubled mind. argh..........it feels unfinished to me, but darnit!! nothing else is coming out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted February 5, 2003 Report Share Posted February 5, 2003 Reminds me of how I felt about my parents when I was 15 or so. The constant pushing of someone who wants to be in your life when you feel that they in no way can understand what your going through. Without reading that last statement, it sounds like it is finished to me. When you throw in the fact that you dont think it sounds finished...suddenly I dont either. hehe. Maybe keep working on it and post the final when your done? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted February 5, 2003 Report Share Posted February 5, 2003 WoW. Great feelings there blondemoon. Took me a few reads to understad it.. But I got it.. The flow is kinda off-beat, not that any of mine are on beat, and so it made it difficult for me. BUT GREAT JOB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted February 5, 2003 Report Share Posted February 5, 2003 Expectations, desires, looking for something beyond what IS... *Still trying to learn to work within the moment too* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaneus Posted February 5, 2003 Report Share Posted February 5, 2003 Exactly my thoughts. I like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted February 5, 2003 Report Share Posted February 5, 2003 (edited) ...well you could just keep going on with your current train of thought, ya know... Listing more reasons why it's better for him not to talk/know you... I personally like making my poems to return to the beginning theme/thought in some way, shape, or form... Turn it reflective: i.e. knowledge of you troubled mind would spoil the image he has of you... or would trouble him as well... or that despite it all say, you like the attention anyway cause it offers a light or hope or something mushing like that... I mean... you could take all kinds of places... But i'm not in your head... so it's all pretty much guess work... hope that helps... revery the dreamlost "But if sense conveys reason Reason conveys consideration Consideration of the reason for rhyming at all" DRN draft 3... the dream continues... Edited February 5, 2003 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondemoon Posted February 8, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2003 yeah, that helps quite a bit. thanks guys. I'll have to try working on it....soon, while I still feel like writing. Heh...it probably only sounded unfinished to me because I wrote it in the space of something like 15 minutes. And didn't go back over it. Bad me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted February 8, 2003 Report Share Posted February 8, 2003 Blondie- don't worry about it. I write all my poems in the space of 5-10 min. 20 max. And I never go over them. Why? Same reason I don't check my answers on tests... (My head still hurts from 7th period biology today) First instinct is the right instinct. Sure, I proofread so I don't look like an dumb***, but I don't change the content. Also, I could really connect. Rune - Remember "I.C.C." should be "I.C.r.C." Why didn't I put the r in originally? too lazy. and it's optional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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