Katzaniel Posted June 6, 2005 Report Share Posted June 6, 2005 OOC: This was going to be my second poem in the slam contest, if I made it. Probably better that I didn't, because I can think of no way to attribute this to Gabriel, and it's not alliterative or anything. Their mouths, that shout with wordless cries. Their anger showing, but through their eyes. The white expanse is almost grand, their snowy forms fill up the land. Marshmallow men, in stance to fight. Bullets absorbed seem still to bite. With large pale gun each creature kills but silence reigns and white blood spills. No sounds echo through eggshell gore; no sound or colour in this odd war. OOC: Now that you've finished reading, mind telling me what impression you got? It was a strange day-dream vision that flashed into my head one recent evening, and I have a feeling it could be interpreted some analogy or other (probably many) but I'm no good at those. And I want to know if I described it well enough for the image to come across at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 6, 2005 Report Share Posted June 6, 2005 Pillbury Doughboy and family seek revenge... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted June 6, 2005 Report Share Posted June 6, 2005 *giggles* it made me think of a product they used to sell in the supermarkets here. It was a sort of white fluffy stuff that was meant to be put on sandwiches. Unfortunately it was hell to first of all get your knife in when it had been too cold (since it went hard as a brick), and when you had finally managed to scrape some out of the jar it was a fight to get it from the knife on the sandwich without killing the bread. I normally ended up spooning it out of the jar, without having sandwiches with it, almost as good as eating chocospread with a spoon Guess this wasn't what you were looking for, and Peredhil's reply makes more sense, but hey you asked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted June 6, 2005 Report Share Posted June 6, 2005 (edited) i was thinking snowman at first in a Newspaper In a Big Expansive Sunday Color Comic Story Arch Frames... Calvin and Hobbs style... Then abdominable fiercer looking snowmen with guns blazing, throwing grenades with teeth bared "GRRRRR"...wearing sleezeless urban gear jackets, armed to the teeth...in said comic... With faded Blues on newsprint standing out for some reason, like in their clothing... Caps and Scraves and what not. but then you said marshmellows...and I went with Big P's pillsbury doughboy... But the Giant one "the State Puff Marshmellow Man" from the 1st Ghost buster's movie... fighting many copies of himself... Rah! rev... Edited June 6, 2005 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quincunx Posted June 13, 2005 Report Share Posted June 13, 2005 "Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons!" ----- "No sounds echo" echoes oddly and draws attention to itself. You could keep it as-is or regain your meter with "No sounds are heard", although you may then have to replace "through" in the next line. "Bullets absorbed/Seem still to bite" is the only unclear image. I try to picture bites in marshmallow fluff* and other soft substances, and they're not violent enough to convey the message; I cannot overcome the contradiction between absorbed, disappearing bullets and jagged, bitten edges. I'd keep the first line and rework the second because I prefer the image of invulnerable marshmallow warriors. It's your call as to whether they're invulnerable or not. "Their anger showing," can change to "Their anger shows," and regain the meter without compromising the meaning. ----- I flickered between possibilities, went through most of the ones already listed, tried to envision the thunderclouds at war but decided the poem was too solid to imply clouds, wondered if it were the army of General Winter due to the silence and decided that it was plausible. *What Sweetcherrie wrote about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted June 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2005 *grins* Yeah, I imagined the Marshmallow Puff guy too, when I started trying to write about the image, but it's not quite it. And Quincunx, I'm picturing the bullets being absorbed by the warriors, but them falling back and crying out (soundlessly) as if in pain. I don't know if I can bear to remove that line, not without adding a better explanation in there. I'm certainly thinking about it. I dunno, maybe it's some allegory on wars that don't get media attention.... And who's General Winter? Thanks for all the comments! Their mouths, that shout with wordless cries. Their anger shows, but through their eyes. The white expanse is almost grand, their snowy forms fill up the land. Marshmallow men, in stance to fight. Bullets absorbed seem still to bite. With large pale gun each creature kills but silence reigns and white blood spills. No sounds pierce through the eggshell gore; no hue or cry in this odd war. PS. I don't think I can highlight in red inside code tages, so I'll just mention that I changed lines 3, 17, 18 and 19. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted June 16, 2005 Report Share Posted June 16, 2005 (edited) Umm, what the others said for imagery...this poem does a pretty good job of bringing across a vivid image to its audience, very well done! I find that the better poems tend to draw the critic in me out more, and such is the case here. Since I'm in class (and thus have time, that rarest commodity), I'll try to give a fairly thorough critique of the piece... First, I'd like to build on what Quincunx said - I agree with some of her criticism, especially the necessity of changing, "showing," to, "shows." I also agree with her conclusions concerning the, "bite," line, which is somewhat confusing. I do like what you do with the, "still," in the second line of that couplet - it complements the, "silence," two couplets later, by subtly paving the way for the image of eerie tranquility that, "silence reigns," and, "no sounds echo/pierce through," give off. By placing, "still," after, "seems," you further amplify this effect, as it uses the word in a less assertive and energetic manner - if you began the line with, "still," then it would come across as a strong contradiction or outstanding defiance of the expected, instead of its current status as a quietly perplexing exception. For this reason, I would at least try to preserve the first two words of that line if you choose to rework it and get rid of, "bite." I have to disagree with Quincunx's assessment of, "no sounds echo." I found the couplet, "No sounds echo/through eggshell gore," to be one of the best and tastiest lines in this poem - I really, really like that couplet. Its hard to put into words why I find it so attractive, but I guess, "no sounds echo," says more eloquently and less typically what, "silence reigns," had already established - it uses an interesting (if sliiiightly nonsensical) metaphor to communicate an image, and in my opinion, it does so effectively. From where I see it, the semi-nonsensical interplay betwen the two lines of this couplet is OK, because the intention and image is still effectively communicated and expressed - you don't need to peer hard at the lines to get the point, that this battle lacks any sound. For this reason, I'm all for preserving this couplet in its original state. Also, I really like the image of, "eggshell gore," it's yet another well-developed metaphor, and runs together excellently with the 1st line of this couplet. I like the rhyming between the first two couplets, as it seems pretty natural and unforced. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the rhyming of the 3rd and 4th couplets - the 2nd line in the 3rd couplet irks me, it comes across as a, "filler," rhyme shoved in there to make the rhyming work. Try playing with that, and fixing it up. The fight/bite rhyme also seems a little forced, perhaps b/c the 'bite' doesn't make total sense, making it seem artificial and forced upon the poem. Edited June 16, 2005 by HappyBuddha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted September 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 (Lines 21/22) After reading through both critiques (and having a looong time to think about it ) I decided to go back to the original "no sounds echo/through eggshell gore". I don't mind that it draws attention to itself and I kind of liked it better anyway. (Line 12) Added a colon for (Lines 13-16) where I decided rather than remove or ignore the contradiction, I would clarify it. I hope this helps. I'm considering changing the punctuation, to a comma introducing these lines and no comma in the middle, but a colon seems to be justifiable given that the contradiction requires an explanation. (Lines 5- Reworked. This seems nearly as forced to me, but I'm not sure if it's just because of the punctuation and the fact that I'm not used to forcing a break in the middle of a sentence. Part of me says it works, it's great, just pause there and it sounds fine. The other part says no, you can't mix words around with such disregard. At any rate, I'm pretty sure something works better there than a semicolon but I can't think what. Maybe if I snuck a dash in at the start of the eighth line? Maybe another colon? (Format) Should I try to have more standardization on the indentation? I can't imagine it working properly by just moving lines 17-20 over; I would have to rework something. Their mouths, that shout with wordless cries. 2 Their anger shows, but through their eyes. 4 The white expanse, interrupted 6 by snowy forms; filled, corrupted. 8 Marshmallow men, in stance to fight. 10 Bullets absorbed seem still to bite: 12 as giant forms reel back in pain, 14 mouths open wide then sneer again. 16 With large pale gun each creature kills 18 but silence reigns and white blood spills. 20 No sounds echo through eggshell gore; 22 no hue or cry in this odd war. 24 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted September 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 (edited) Aaactually, I think this format better expresses my thoughts: Their mouths, that shout with wordless cries. 2 Their anger shows, but through their eyes. 4 The white expanse, interrupted 6 by snowy forms; filled, corrupted. 8 Marshmallow men, in stance to fight. 10 Bullets absorbed seem still to bite: 12 as giant forms reel back in pain, 14 mouths open wide then sneer again. 16 With large pale gun each creature kills 18 but silence reigns and white blood spills. 20 No sounds echo through eggshell gore; 22 no hue or cry in this odd war. 24 Edit: Spacing in line numbers. Edited September 6, 2005 by Katzaniel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madhatter Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 A very unique poem. I enjoyed the read. Too bad I my day dreams are never too fasntastic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanuchan Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 Love the imagery, and rhythm. Nice work, Katz As for your question about lines 5-8, they work fine for me. I think the semi-colon forces a bigger pause than a colon or a dash, and adds to both imagery and contrast (the white expanse being interrupted). Somehow the first version escaped me, but I know this last one really draws me into it, and I think you made a good work of improving it. You should write more poetry... *hugs* ~Tanny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 The rhymes feel much less forced now - they're not perfect, but they're much, much better. I wouldn't worry too much about them from here on out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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