It had been a long time since she had sat down with a keyboard to see if she could write anything. She wasn't sure if she still had it in her. Years ago she had written some short stories, and even a novella, but life had taken over and though she had been wanting to write, even made a few attempts at it, it never really wanted to come out. She blamed life. She blamed her boyfriend. She blamed her job, and the everlasting need for money. Not that she was poor, not at all, but it still seemed as if there was never enough.
She sighed and looked at the empty screen of her tablet again. This had changed at least. Back then she had been confined to write in her room on her computer. She'd had a laptop, but back then the machine was so fast out of battery that attempting to write anything on it for more than an hour had been impossible.
Now she had a shiny ipad in front of her, with a lightweight keyboard. Would this make it easier? Easier to get the words out on paper?
Following others was about the only thing she did nowadays. Watching as pen friends published books. Wanting to read them, but somehow being scared it would remind her of her own lack of words. Or more her own ...yeah what? At least she had noone else to blame for not writing, but herself.
She was the one who had made the choice to buy a house together with her boyfriend. She was there when they got a second cat, and when they picked up their first adorable puppe, and their second. She willingly signed up for another study that took many hours from her already busy week.
Now granted, her studies gave her a feeling of satisfaction. Every time she passed another course, she felt proud that she was proving that she could do it. Then again, wasn't it her own sense of insecurity that drove her to yet again pick up another studies? Why did she need to prove that she was good enough?
She slumped in the chair a little, thinking of the exam that she would have this afternoon. She had set herself up for failure this time. She had come with excuses that she needed her holiday, that she needed time for herself and to relax. The end result was that she was most certainly going to fail the exam this afternoon.
Staring out of the window she regretted that the summer was about to pass over into fall again already. Had she taken enough out of this summer? The holiday certainly had been going too fast. On the one hand she had wanted to relax, force herself to actually have a proper holiday, to enjoy herself. On the other hand there had been the exam throwing a shadow over her entire holidays.
It felt as if she had waisted her time, as she had so often done. That she could've done so much more, if only she had put her energy into it. Instead a load of excuses was everpresent as to why she would basically sit back and do nothing of interest. Afterwards she would have trouble remembering what she had done.
Well...that is, until she actually thought about it properly. Most of her days had been filled, right? She turned back to her tablet and started making a list of what she had done this summer holiday. They had cleaned the whole house together, top to bottom. That had taken at least a few days. They had gone to IKEA for shopping for a day, that had been fun. She had read a couple of good books, watched quite a few good films, and had even spent some time with her mom going to second-hand markets. Also, they had been to the zoo twice.
Hmm...maybe her holiday wasn't all wasted time. Another big sigh escaped her and she looked at the screen. Funny, it wasn't empty anymore. A story had appeared as out of thin air. Maybe she could still write a little. Maybe all it took was just to sit down and do it. Maybe, just maybe, she would find more time to write a little....tomorrow.