Pillow Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Here are a few bits of wisdom I felt like sharing with you. -Don't eat mice. They have a bad after taste. -Don't clean your septic tank with dynamite. It makes a big mess. -If you play 'chicken' with another car, make sure you're in a car too. -It's not a good idea to 'make money' by photocopying twenty dollar bills -Make sure that the 'nude' beach you go to really is a nude beach. -Larry King doesn't like his suspenders being snapped. (For an old guy, he has a strong jab!) -Don't pee on an electric fence. Feel free to add to this list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 -If you set out to beat the odds, be sure you can handle the results if the odds beat back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pillow Posted March 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Some more. -You can have the most expensive rifle in the world; but without ammo, you just have a really expensive club. -Never get into a poop-fight with monkeys at the zoo because they have nearly unlimited ammo. -Austrailia has the most poisonous animals in all the world and one of the lowest crime rates. If you go, stay in the cities where it's safe. -New York has one of the highest crime rates and nearly no poisonous animals. Stay in the woods and out of the city. -Cats don't like tape on their feet....or head. -Dogs are great swimmers unless you put them in a burlap bag alone with a brick. -No matter how fast you run, you can never outrun a movie horror monster. -Mothballs work better at messing up a gas tank then suger. -Poop comes in many colors and forms, but only one smell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akallabeth Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Disagreement on one of those: Peeing on an electric fence will not shock you, unless you are *extremely* close to it, or unless it is running a lethal amound of current through it. Trust me, I know this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pillow Posted March 9, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Disagreement on one of those: Peeing on an electric fence will not shock you, unless you are *extremely* close to it, or unless it is running a lethal amound of current through it. Trust me, I know this. Well, I was pretty close to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 From my experience with urination and electric fences, this technique can be used to find the strands of an electric fence hidden by tall grass... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venefyxatu Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Exactly! Finally someone else who understands! *hugs Zariah* I also have a few items to add to the list - items I did not, fortunately, learn from experience. They are quoted from what happened to be the daily joke on ARC today. Nice coincidence, eh? -Don't squat with your spurs on. -Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. -If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. -If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. -Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. -Always drink upstream from the herd. -When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. -The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. The last one does not fit the list exactly, but I decided to leave it in to point out more coincidence : -There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 *coughs at Zariah and Venefyxatu and points at her signature* Also: - The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head. - "Remember -- that which does not kill us can only make us stronger." "And that which does kill us leaves us dead!" - People who don't need people need people around to know that they are the kind of people who don't need people. and one of my favorites: - The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. All in some form written down by Terry Pratchett I'd prolly have some of my own if they weren't on the spot things and I never quite remember them... one thing that's ALWAYS true tho, in horror movies at least; - When in a movie, the first warning/rule stated is: 'Don't go walking around alone' then that'll be the first thing that happens. and - The girl who had sex dies first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted March 9, 2005 Report Share Posted March 9, 2005 ~The best index to a person's character is 1. how he treats people who can't do him any good, and 2. how he treats people who can't fight back. ~In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. ~Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. ~There is no use worrying about things over which you have no control, and if you have control, you can do something about them instead of worrying. ~Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more." Mark Twain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasmandre Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 -Whether you think you can or can't, you're right. -If something sounds like a great idea after a few drinks, it's not. -If someone asks if you're a god, you say yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Never take a Black Belt's invitation to hit him full power... And never believe him when he says he won't hit back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hydrus Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 There are only three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venefyxatu Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 *stares in disbelief at Appy's signature, having never noticed this* Yay! Another one who understands!! *hugs Appy as well* There are a few up there ^ that are too good to let them pass by - I just have to add my own versions or related ones... There is no use worrying about things over which you have no control, and if you have control, you can do something about them instead of worrying. Give me the strength to change what I cannot accept, the tenacity to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference. > this one is what I try to live by Grant me the wisdom to understand my employees and the patience to forgive them their mistakes. But don't give me strength, because then I'll bash in their skulls! ~The best index to a person's character is 1. how he treats people who can't do him any good, and 2. how he treats people who can't fight back. If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they're not a nice person. > All too true ... Never take a Black Belt's invitation to hit him full power... And never believe him when he says he won't hit back Always remember rule number one! > Pratchett fans unite *looks at Appy, and probably others as well* There are only three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.Actually, there are 10. Those who understand binary, and those who don't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasmandre Posted March 11, 2005 Report Share Posted March 11, 2005 There is no use worrying about things over which you have no control, and if you have control, you can do something about them instead of worrying. Give me the strength to change what I cannot accept, the tenacity to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference. > this one is what I try to live by And the Calvin and Hobbes version: "Give me the strength to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and the inability to tell the difference." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted March 12, 2005 Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 Hmmm. Ants can survive for indefinte periods of time if frozen. No dog likes having their tail pulled. Screw "stand up to a bully". If you can't sucker punch 'em, a tall tree is quite handy (especially if you just failed to sucker punch them). Beer just doesn't taste good on breakfast cereal. Don't drink Sunny Delight if you've got a stomach virus. RPG gamers are a supersitituous and cowardly lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted March 12, 2005 Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 Don't eat spaghetti if you have a stomach virus, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted March 12, 2005 Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 Wyvern wanders into the Cabaret Room just as Zariah finishes relaying the phrase "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese," seating himself on the far end of the Mighty Pen couch and nodding as the others go through their little proverbs. After a brief moment of silence following Kasmandres final tidbit, the reptilian Elder pounces out of his seat and storms the stage, practically shoving Kasmandre to the side as he hisses: "That's right folks... and if you have the serenity to accept things, or better yet if you can't tell the difference, then I'd like to highly recommend you this intriguing collective work." The audience stares blankly as Wyvern pulls out a cheaply printed pamphlet from his tunic, pointing at its title with a claw and striking an enthusiastic smile of razor sharp teeth. "Almost Dragonic Brand Colloquial Pen Wisdom Tidbits, the only book on wisdom you'll ever need! Allow me to read you a few samples from it." The greedy lizard flips through the pages for a moment, ignoring the sheets that fall out in the process and not paying attention to the pennites who are readying their ear plugs. Arriving at a specific section, the lizard pauses and grins, then clears his throat of a few ashes and exclaims: "- Don't give the Grim Squeaker anything to eat. His lack of stomach, muscles, and flesh make for rather severe cases of indigestion. If you have a piece of cheese large enough to stay stuck in his ribcage, you can try it, but you risk causing a stink when it starts to mold. - Don't clean Waterlily's hydroponic tank manually, unless your fond of strangulation and making a mess of yourself. Instead, act like your ol' uncle Wyvern and take the slacker route. Try dynamite. - If you play 'chicken' with Zool's rubber chicken, remember: he's still only rubber. - It's a great idea to make money by photocopying twenty dollar bills, but when it comes to conterfeiting, you might need a helping hand. That's why we here at Almost Dragonic Brand Money Photocopying Outlets are willing to lend a claw, and for the mere price of the initial bill you copy from! Sorry, no refunds. - Make sure that the 'nude' beach you go to really is a nude beach... after all, that gal lounging in the sand might just be Tzimfemme on a regular day. - The King of Kings, Ozymandias, can fetch you some nice suspendors in a snap. (For an old guy, he has a strong sense of fashion!) Those pharoahs weren't playing around with their wardrobes when it came to storing things in pyramids. - Do not wiz on any fence labeled "Property of the Dreamer." Similarly, do not do your business in the Pen's toilet outlets... the crocodile evoked in Quincuinox is apparently still living in stall #3. - If you set out to beat the odds, you may want to look into an alliance with Caryon Megeta since he's pretty sure to defeat them. Just be sure you can handle the results when he decides to rub you off for "lagging behind." - You can own the most expensive club in the world. Without an Almost Dragonic Inc. logo, however, your club is only second-rate when it comes to prices. Send inquiries on how to obtain the highest priced club in the world to Wyvern Q. AlmostDragon. Billionaires only, please. - Never get into a poop-fight with Silly the Elder Dwarf. Not only would he consider you disgusting and uncivilized, he'd also be able to use his speech signs as shields. - Austrailia has one of the most wild animals in all the world, a creative beast that sports one of the Pen's highest insanity rates with pride. His name: the Aardvark. And no, that box of thermite below his name is not safe. - The Pen has one of the highest quality rates around, but nearly no poisonous animals. Fortunately, Canid can always offer you a visit to some exotic wilderness spots to correct that minor imperfection. - Katzaniel doesn't appreciate being taped in mid-tigertaur transformation, and will possibly become enraged if you attempt to do so. (P.S: Almost Dragonic Brand Bootleg Katzaniel Tapes now available, see your local scheming lizard for more details on this enticing product) - Tanuchan is wonderful at swimming and other sports... unless she becomes tangled in a mess of limbs. - No matter how fast you run, you will never be able to outrun Xaious the Master of Time. Not until the end of time, that is. - Bruteweiser works better at evoking dizziness in pennites than suger, unless Minta Rose is present. - Imposter comes in many colors and forms, but works under only one spell. - Do yourself a favor and support Almost Dragonic Brand Blind Barber Shops the next time you need a haircut, even if it means purchasing three scissor sessions to get it right. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you'd like to steal a minute or two to chat with Yui-chan at that hour, shadow plane strolls are certainly an option for privacy. - Before you criticize someone, you should read a few posts from Peredhil the Polite. That way, when your criticisms are constructive, you'll know what sorts of tortures await you in the depths of his Polite dungeon. - If you often speak the truth about inebriation, but don't always remember everything in certain contexts, chances are your name might be 'Brute.'" Wyvern begins flipping through the pages of the pamphlet once again, not wanting to overdo it with his "few samples." The reptilian Elders beady eyes skim over the pages as he moves through them. "One or two more, if you're not convinced: - Never take Black's invitation to hit him at full power... he *is* commonly known as Death, after all. Hmmm, what else. - If someone is nice to you but rude to the Almost Secretary of Initiates, they're probably trying to be even nicer to you, and should be treated with the utmost respect." Wyvern tosses the book of Almost Dragonic Brand Colloquial Pen Tidbits to the ground, causing its pages to fly everywhere in the process. "See?! This lil book contains only the best of wisdom, the finest of almost Dragonic tidbits. Phrases that can be used anywhere in the Pen. And it's only fourty geld for a copy!" The greedy lizard pauses for a moment, suddenly noticing that the pages have flown throughout the room and are being casually picked up by various pennites. He seeths for a moment, then shouts: "Hey, that's five geld per page. You hear me?! Five geld per page!" OOC: I encourage others to pick up where I left off... ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shathward Posted March 12, 2005 Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 (edited) -If you can't get the girl next door to say anything more to you than "hi", then strike up the weirdest conversation you can think of with your roommate while she's in the bathroom. Then, you will earn a "this is a very interesting conversation I'm listening to" for your efforts. -Weird and bizarre conversation can't be scripted or planned; you need to have a good partner and both of you must be in the right frame of mind. -You know you've got it when you don't notice how weird the stuff you're saying is until someone else has to point it out to you. -When a roommate is drunk and is about to smoke pot, do everything you can to stop it from happening. If that fails, find a handy couch you can sleep on, because you're going to end up with a pool of puke on the floor of your room. -Relax, though, since your roommate will clean it up in the morning. -When your roommate doesn't bother cleaning it up in the morning, then you've got problems. -Do not talk on your cell phone while urinating, because there is a small, but nonzero chance, that it can fall into the toilet and sink out of reach. -Out of reach, that is, unless you'd like to dig through the toilet now full of urine to go get it. -If you have a pair of those long, long rubber gloves that mothers use, now is the time to crack 'em out. -If you've lived on the west coast all your life, you're moving to the east coast, and you're actually wondering if you need a heavy coat, then ... ahahaha, hey, go ahead. Go right ahead. See what it's like. -If you live on the east coast and you see said person nearly freeze to death, your sympathy should stop when you learn where that person used to live. -Then, along with all the other east-coasters, you laugh hideously at the idiot. Hey, you've earned it. Remember how brutal the winters are here? You've slogged through quite a few, year after year. -Plus, considering how nice it is in California, such people don't deserve any sympathy. Ahaha. Ahahahahaha. Wahahahahahahah! -If you're seven years old, and you have a kitten you love dearly, that's great. Having a pet can be good for a child. -However, if your mother is *scared* of it, and complains that those beady little eyes are appearing in her nightmares, that means your kitten won't get to stay for very long. -When the kitten randomly disappears after no sign of injury or disease, and you're told that it died, that means your mother gave it away without your permission. -When that happens, you should never, ever, EVER forgive her for that ... that ... *sniff* ... *sob* ... I'm sorry, let's ... *sniff* ... change the .. subject ... -*now sobbing constantly* Y-Yknow wh-what? L ... let's just ... s-s-stop ... *wanders off to a little corner somewhere* (Hmph. I can NEVER forgive her for that. I LOVED that kitten. This scar will last a lifetime, and I'll make sure she remembers this to her grave.) Edited March 12, 2005 by Shathward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted March 12, 2005 Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 It's still winter up here in Canada so for all you tourists here are a few words of wisdom. 1. Don't eat the yellow snow. 2. Don't lick a metal fence post at minus 20 degrees. 3. Airport officials have no sense of humour so when they ask you "What's in the bag?" .... resist! 4. Tim Horton is not the Prime Minister of Canada. 5. We don't all have sled dogs. Snowmobiles replaced them years ago. 6. Not all Mounties have horses. It does make you wonder why they still call themselves Mounties. 7. Canadians might seem polite but they still think fighting in Hockey is normal. 8. Snowplows always come by after you have shovelled out the enterance of your driveway. 9. Smile, it will make your face look better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venefyxatu Posted March 13, 2005 Report Share Posted March 13, 2005 Here are some from my own, personal experience : When in a computer room, always make sure whose computer you're about to reset before pushing the Button. Never bring your face to an open computer case full of dust and then blow to get rid of the dust. Never bring your face close to a cat that's clawing at your hand and then blow to get rid of the cat. Blow from a distance. If something tastes funny, do not continue eating wondering what the funny taste is. Instead, stop eating and check for mould. Don't stay up until 2 am if you have to get up at 6 or even 8. Especially don't do this several times in a row. And another, rather well-known one I should've thought of several times : If it's not broken, don't fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted March 13, 2005 Report Share Posted March 13, 2005 Don't organise the organisation, organise the thing that needs organising instead (I'm almost positive that they teach this the other way around in 'manager-school', never seen a manager NOT able to only concentrating on organising the organising ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 As I bumble towards my 40th birthday, I'm not sure I'm particularly wiser for being older, but ageing has provided me with a colourful palette of errors to contemplate. If I could distill all that I've learned into one pearl, one perfect maxim, it would be this: Never yield to the urge to get a third cat, unless you truly understand the meaning of exponential mischief. Cerulean. (Adopted human to the feline triumvirate of Dr Dog, Moppy and Little. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zadown Posted March 15, 2005 Report Share Posted March 15, 2005 Tested wisdom from the cold north: When doing something that requires several hours of outdoor time, wear clothing one magnitude warmer than you'd normally wear for that weather. When wondering whether to take a book or not, always take a book with you. Or take several. Don't drink a bottle of wine to an empty stomach. People you meet online make bad tourist guides, since they spend their time online. ... boring stuff, ya, but that's wisdom for ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts