Yuki Kokoro

"You've never known the marble from the clay".... that's really cool. The image is so... crisp. Cool polished marble to sticky unmolded clay... Anyway- Nice job dealing with what I consider to be a difficult structure, you managed to keep up a rhythm and a coherent progression of this idea. The last stanza was a good finishing statement with the tie back to the rope beginning to fray that is now worn through. And, of course, that oh-so-spiffy first line.

*applauds* Congratulations indeed.

I liked the line "I made you/ with my eyes". Not sure why it stood out, but this reminds me of escaping an ugly reality with a fantasy that you know is fake but don't want to give up.

This is such a perceptive (and brilliant!) exploration into the nature of writing. I relate to this idea very well and only wish I could be as clear in expressing it. This poem makes me glad to have the Pen on multiple levels, first as a place where people understand the trust given to a reader by bearing thoughts and feelings, and also as a place to find poems like this. I really liked: "Each line is a glimpse at the shape I wear/ though part of me hides from you still", even when you want to trust it's hard to do so. The last stanza was also great: the of gentlest hearts are hurt easiest but they also comfort earnestly, relate sincerely and love deepest. Opening a heart makes it vulnerable to hurt, but without opening it you can't let anyone in. Mad Merlin and Masochist were really good too. You have such a great sense of rhythm, Masochist flowed beautifully and I loved the italics at the beginning of every line forming it's own line of thought that fit into the whole.

Impressive collection. Here are the random comments that came to me while reading: Meditations about Time had an interesting last line, "Time has changed nothing but the world". I think you meant that the world isn't really that important compared to the things that don't change, but my first interpretation was that the changing of the natural world is an unstoppable force that we often don't take note of but still overshadows everything else. I saw it as reassuring that the world will continue changing, bringing hope that other things can change as well. Dead Pen was sad and probably the one that touched me deepest (especially the line: "The dreamers have left her walls") because I related to that the easiest. I'm a new member but have been lurking off and on for longer than I care to admit. However, I have confidence that times like that will always pass. Other than that a few of my favorites were: Boy, Beauty in Time, Children of a Lost Time, and Breath. Very nice poems all.

I really liked this. It was an eloquent expression of the fear, guilt, loneliness, pain and uncertainties so many of us feel. These lines I especially enjoyed: "maybe I'm not ready for the truth;/ or the unspoken words might just hurt more". I also liked the way you shifted in and out of rhyme, you write very good free verse and the blending is interesting. Never feel trapped by having to rhyme lines.

This was great! You do such a wonderful job with the details and the whole concept is just spiffy. That last section especially came out as a clear visual, I liked how it changed the interpretation of the rest of the story. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you after all.

To me it doesn't sound as song-like as the A B B A rhyme scheme, sorry. Here the syllables fall into more of a set pattern that makes it more like poetry to my mental ears. In my mind songs have a looser quality. I liked the topic very much though. My only suggestion would to to turn "could" into "can" in the the last line. The two 'could's right on top of each other make it less clear what you mean and I think the tense change would support the present tense of the poem.

It's amazing how much the approach you've taken with this has changed. Though each poems deals with the same narrow string of events they all sound so different. These versions are an interesting study in style as they go from impressionistic to concrete (personally I really liked the impressionistic style because of its subtle way of expressing emotion, but I had a hard time understanding what was happening so... yeah. *rueful sigh*).

Interesting idea, and you did it very well. I liked green being "Hot and primeval" and the way you did a texture, smell, and visuals for brown. Here's my contribution: (composed in Haiku) Lush, refreshing, wet Forests and mountains and seas Green is vibrant life Rich, deep, yet distant Soft velvet and royalty Elegant Purple Love and hot anger The color of emotion Life blood and pain: Red Unobtrusive, dark Black: the respite from color Shelter, hurt... or change. Easy to shatter Innocence or harmony Fragile blending - White Soft water, harsh skies The infinite shades of Blue’s Reflective facets Comforting, gentle Woods and earth, rock and valley Home feels a warm Brown Bright, screaming intense Vivid and striking alert Orange is pushy (For Big Pointy Stick ) Coolly refreshing A novelty and pleasure Glass and water: Clear

"What were they thinking when they said Those words that cut and tore and bled?" I ask this often myself....

I like it too, both the rhythm and the message. Very concise; I like the way it expresses an idea then lets the reader figure out its implications.

I really like this second poem you posted, the rhyme scheme especially (however, I do agree that there's nothing wrong with finding a rhyme scheme you like and sticking with it ). I just think this rhyme structure is what makes it sound like a song to me; my mind tries to sing it as I read, which I enjoy.

This is wonderful and the emotions came out marvelously. If I found a story like that I would instantly want to tell it; I just relate to it so well.

This whole poem just reaches out and slaps me in the face (in a good way ), the emotions are very clear and easy to relate to. I especially liked the line: "Like the poet in the gutter/ All my songs are sung." However, you took that idea and turned it into a song uniquely your own, and did it very well. I also thought the line: "I'm runnin' out of wishes, trust, and despair" was well done. Not only is the speaker running out of wishes and trust, two easy things to let slip out of your grasp, but even running out of despair and sinking into apathy. Wonderful, wonderful poem. *applauds*

Purple and blue; I think they're calming and deep colors. Green also, especially green-blue because I love water. Oh, and warm comforting wood tones like browns and tans... Well until now I thought I had a favorite color, but I guess not... ;

Very nice poem, you did a good job with the imagery. Not sure I understood it, especially the last two lines, but I enjoyed it.

I agree with Wyvern about, "When the story takes over the author/ Something is quite awry", that would have to be my favorite line. It's also very true. I could really feel Cioden struggling underneath the surface of this poem: "Solitude's embracing me" "My soul's slipping away" "Entropy, the great disease". But the other side is fighting too: "Somehow I think you lie" "My friends are getting worried/ And truth is, so am I" "Something is quite awry". As to the questions in the 5th stanza, I don't think depression is ever a "punishment for a wrong" and I very much hope you find some reasons to go on, reasons are out there. Very interesting poem with the sense of both sides being represented through one narrator. I like it a lot.

I get a very clear mental image from this, nice job. I liked this especially: "A day ends, comes a night/ that is not really darker than day". Odd how the last line seems lighter and joking to me, instead of depressing, I think it's a combination of the "no way!" and the rhyme. Otherwise a quite serious poem, I found the stanza on Viru street made me especially thoughtful.

Wow... that was... powerful. And all the more powerful for its brevity. The situation hurts even more knowing that the child doesn't understand what's happening, is still innocent even in those circumstances. The thought of how much the mother is risking is also heart breaking, as well as the fact that she needs to. You did such an amazing job pulling emotions out of the reader (or at least this reader). I feel... well, rather like crying. Congratulations (and I mean that very sincerely), getting a strong emotional reaction like that is a big accomplishment. *tired smile*

Great poem, I like the way your thoughts come out so clearly. It's like that with so many people and it's painful to see. I for one never know what to do with anybody who's hurting inside like that; it's even harder with parents. At least you let her know you love her.

It's so calm and peaceful, I very much like. This does a good job of expressing what it's like to watch a loved one sleep.

I liked the visual image of hair that would "blossom tawny(?) gold on a balmy autumn day". The whole story was told well and I enjoyed the way it ended on a happier note, though the story itself suggests that much pain took place. On a side note, if you do edit it you might want to look at the third stanza. It was hard to fit those first 2 lines especially into the rhythm that is so strong in the rest of the piece.

I too was confused by the first version and the second version makes more sense to me, so good job there (however, going back and looking at the first version now I see what you were trying to say and don't know how I missed it ) I may be missing your reasons for changing the third stanza, which are probably very good ones, but I say if you like the original, keep it, it would fit fine with the new poem. Though to put in my two cents I liked the line "laden with your scent". Looking at them combining the two might work: "Your hand leaves/ but it’s moisture rests/ laden with your scent/ misting computer keys and mouse pads." Suggestions for the last line... hmm... Distant and fleeting? Distant and cold comes to mind too, but I don't think that's the feeling you're trying to portray. Whatever you decide to do, my compliments on the new version of the poem.

"Risking everything Just to avoid winning that prize" This is an important realization and very well expressed; by running away from defeat you miss the chance at success (just as Mira said). Everyone suffers from defeat, and it always looks so much worse in your eyes than in the eyes of others. Very nice poem; I enjoyed it.