Yuki Kokoro

I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's nice to see a fun light poem, especially one that reads so well. The repeated drip drop in the first stanza helps sets up the rhythm as well as putting the reader strongly in the setting of a leaking faucet. The last line struck me too, somehow it's just fun to read. ; Between the line itself and the way it came out sounding it my head it made for a humorous/rueful closing. No suggestions off the top of my head... *goes back to look at the poem again* Hmmm.... The third paragraph isn't as strong as the others in my opinion, not too much happens and the fact that this faucet will keep you from getting to your job seems puzzling at first. You may want to say something about never getting to sleep instead. The only other thing is that you never covered actually fixing the faucet; you go straight from trying to open a door to being back in bed. It was a little abrupt so you might want to think about another stanza. Entertaining poem, thanks for sharing it.

I'd never given much thought to this subject but I like the ideas you presented here. Good reasoning. In my eyes whichever way gives the living more closure would be best, and whether that is fire or burial is up to them. Some people are comforted by the feeling that their body isn't gone gone, and like to know that, but the clean purging you described by fire is a good case as well. Enjoyable poem, well explained and concise.

Nice poem. I especially liked the title, the way it suggests that although you can sense the wound, it is hidden and you're not sure of your conclusions. The last two lines struck a chord in me as well. The reason so many of us don't want to heal is that sometimes the process of healing is more painful than living with the hurt. However, when it's over one can finally move on. I also thought it was interesting that the only sense left out was feel, but then I realized that if you put the whole poem together you're feeling the wound emotionally in a way. Once again, very striking with vivid images, good job.

I don't have much to add to the other comments, but felt compelled to reply. The last two stanza came through so strongly, especially: "Standing so strong for everyone/ Only to see another life end" and "I'm just too weak to cry". The surrender in that last line was potent.

There's been a run of particularly exceptional poetry lately. This one packs quite a punch. This feeling put into words is always such an introspective experience because I think everyone goes through this emotion at some time. The pain that comes with knowing a relationship will end, but being unable to end it because the thought of being without that person is even more painful. Thank you also for the note about the tempo. Short lines tend to blur together for me and make me speed up, so without the comment I probably would have wreaked havoc with what you were trying to create. I enjoyed this immensely, as I tend to enjoy intensely emotional poems. Relatable, excellent and... I wish you luck. As for title, I liked the suggestion of "Caught in her Shadow", but I also feel that the short one-syllable title sounds rather profound and fits the mood of the piece nicely.

I really don't know what to say but I feel incapable of passing this poem without replying. You touched me deeply. I have seen something like this (but not as serious) happen and reading this brought back the frustration, anger, and confusion that the situation brings. You did such an amazing job with the emotions and specific descriptions. *can't help herself, so she hugs you* Outstanding poem.

I feel much as X-Saber does. Those lines did hit home, but it's hard to tell why. I think it was the image of pain and hurt being manipulated into something in the hopes of impressing people, then being shown off proudly. I've seen people who've been hurt do this as well as people who have hurt others. It drove home the message of the poem sharply. Even the reading of it was harsh. The brief dismissal of a common motivational saying in the first line set up the pained tone then the x, v, d, t, and p sounds gave those last 3 lines an even more bitter feeling for me. Excellent and concise as usual, I envy the way you can get such complex emotions and ideas into so few lines. You have a talent for writing lines that encompass whole stanzas, or heck, whole poems.

I loved the first sentence; the phrasing just struck a chord with me. The simple language and repetition helped set the melancholy but resigned mood of the piece very well. I felt it was more observant than actively depressed and that makes for interesting poetry. Only one suggestion: Add more of it. There seems to be a lot there and although the poem was good it felt like it had gaps and ideas were left incompletely explored. Perhaps which places you've tried to fit into? The other thing that made it seem unfinished was the last stanza: "To drift for an age and never be calm" that seems much more final than not fitting in at school so if that's how you feel you may want to write a section on the possible future of such a drifting attitude and what the rest of the world's categories are. Very nice poem, I hope to see your future drafts, if any.

*scampers in and hugs* That's what we're always here for, to listen. *scampers away again*

Personally I would suggest that in the poem’s thread you ask for critical commentary. I think mentioning anything in particular you feel that you could improve on or are unsure about would help greatly. I know that direction would help me a lot with feedback. Do you want to know what mood you created? How well it flowed? How much personality the speaker developed? Or do you want technical responses, like whether your word choice fit or what people thought of your line and stanza breaks? The other thing that I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with is suggestions. No one really wants to come in and change a poet’s work unless they know the poet is willing to change it. Many people don't want to come off sounding like they know how to write someone else's poem better than it's been written. So I would also say that if you're looking for suggestions, ask. That way people know they aren't stepping on your toes. Lastly, I know that sometimes I would be able to comment so much more clearly on a poem if I had some kind of statement saying: "This is what I was trying to express: _____" Did I succeed? I realize some people are probably going to think it's lame that I'm asking a poet to explain a poem after they've written it, but it's hard to say whether a poem is effective when you're not sure what it's trying to be effective at. That way you get responses from the people you may need feedback from most, the people who didn’t understand. Often the problem is not time or lack of interest, people simply don't know what to say. Giving feedback is hard for many people, especially with poetry. Some of us feel comfortable analyzing and breaking down poems, some of us are simply not at that level. I'd like to think that some of my posts are helpful, others I know I'm only expressing what I thought of it after reading. Frequently I don't know where else to go because I don't think I understand what the poet is getting at well enough to give criticism. Poetry is such an opinion based art that at times I feel a poem is so far out of the zone I usually enjoy that I don't feel qualified to evaluate it, so I'm likely to say something simple. However, I believe that simple responses do have their place. I think of The Pen as a place to come for support as well as to improve your writing and there are some things that people just don't want to be torn apart. They only want to know if their poetry is enjoyed. Giving good feedback is a learned skill and requesting specifics will hopefully help people give you thorough commentary. Also, it will help separate those that are still trying to decide what they want their poetry to become from those who want to know if they've succeeded. Sorry this got so long, but I hope some of it can be helpful in the future.

Unusual structure, but it worked quite well. I really liked the line: "the door pulled shut tight and the robes/ of her changing moods falling off bent hangers", that was a striking way to put it.

This is excellent and I loved it. The structure is strong, but non-obtrusive and it read smoothly. From a topical view of course I adore it because this is the attitude that I think everyone should at least ponder. I really liked this visual: "With a sharp wit by my side - a lyrical knight/ My armor is rusted and my helmet's askew". I also liked the idea of rounded edges in an argument, not strong to the point of being hurtful. Once you've learned to play to win, you will win a lot, but I don't think I personally would be happy that way. I too would rather sleep soundly than win an argument. In my opinion your "success" at the end of life is determined by whether you've been a good person and have treated your fellow humans well, not by how many times you've won in the way the word is generally interpreted. "I'm enamoured with predicates, adverbs too" This line amused me because I have a habit of amending most everything I say until I have so many conjunctions or adverbs that even I am no longer sure of what I just said. Great poem, definitely one of your best in my opinion.

A very graceful expression of both the emotion you were feeling at the time and the difficultly of writing. You know you're talented when you can convey the frustration of having nothing witty or sage to say in a witty and sage way.

Very unusual viewpoint and extremely arresting images. Great job with drawing the reader in. I greatly enjoyed the twist ending too, it makes it necessary to go back and re-read the poem with this new perspective. It's so interesting how many different ways things can be taken. Not only the idea of the last line, but I thought the syllables themselves read very well too. I liked this simple structure and thought it read well and the straightforward approach made the ending must stronger. Nicely done. Only one suggestion, did you mean for the last line of the second stanza to be: "it'll soon be over dear" rather than "to be over"?

I thought this was quite good, but definitely read as a start to a longer piece. It's almost like a teaser. And I feel kinda silly but... what's the one exception to the rule? I didn't get that part. Did you mean that this is the only thing you don't want to hear more about? Or that you really do want to hear more about it even though it hurts? Or something else entirely? :erm: If you feel you have any more to say about this I'd encourage it. If not it was at least practice in editing, which is always good.

I really enjoyed this. Nice rhythm and I loved the end, the request that it be circulated in the hopes that it will reach her. I love the romantic and optimistic viewpoint, as well as the implied intention to wait as long as necessary to find her again. Very sweet.

This is great! A very emotional and genuine expression of friendship, it'a hard concept to get at sometimes but you did a terrific job. The last stanza made it ring true because you gave it more of a personal side. It's hard when you grow away from friends, but sometimes that is what's necessary. Hope to see more from you.

This is quite good, it sounds like the opening to a novel in which the government's swordsman is the main character. I'm sure his motives and past as well as future would be interesting. Hope you get accepted and we get to see more of you. *sit down with you to join the animated conversation about why Mr. Lizard is always late*

Oh, a story, a story! *jumps up and down* Personally I would be very interested in hearing more about these characters; the reasons the speaker hates the girl are so intriguing. "genius of her own sort/ She denies the mind, and most reason too (as do all women. ^_~ )", "creating her own intellectual voids", "She can believe that it is all true/ A philosophy that life is mankind's pearl". That last line especially I would like to hear more about. One of the reasons the speaker hates her is her optimism and love of life (which he sees as willful blindness)? This opposes his goal for being because he is that sure life is worthless? ...very interesting... this sounds more and more like a romance. This poem left me with an interesting reaction of relating to both the speaker and the person the speaker loathes so. Excellent poem and definite story material.

I liked the second one, especially the line: "If it wasn't for my phobias/ I wouldn't know what to fear." It inspired this little poem that I now don't know what to do with or how to continue so I think I'll just post it here: If it wasn't for my phobias I wouldn't know what to fear. What should panic, alarm or penetrate My mind's dark cold revere. If it weren't for schizophrenia I wouldn't know what to think To decide on my own would be difficult Lacking the voices without any sync The rhythm of your second poem (especially the first four lines) was also cool. All this writing is bringing out some interesting things. Speaking of which, I quite enjoyed the first poem as well. "Mistakes I've made without sound/ but with a pencil in my hand", nice way to phrase it. Though writing is rarely a mistake, practice helps us grow.

The last line of stanza 3 seemed to stick out for me, you could maybe call it "Darkness Falls" (though I heard that was a terrible movie) or maybe "Missed Chance for Change"? I liked the half-narrative, half-lyrical qualilty of this poem.

Interesting message, getting so wrapped up in the poem itself that you aren't saying anything worthwhile. The cynicism comes through even more clearly with the light mocking tone. The last stanza was especially great, that's one of the things I love about literature. No two people get exactly the same thing out of any poem and even if you're not seeing anything close to what the poet intended, if it means some thing to you, then it's right "that's gun, thus gum, thus chewing gum/ and smoking's bad, then so is gum." This reminds me stongly of The Music Man. Very good poem, with lots of meaning even.

Interesting that you chose "Invent" to go with hope instead of something more common, like dream or something. I think I like it.

*laughs* Why thank you, and I certainly would enjoy that place to sleep.

I like the way the first stanza flows, the 5 syllable 3rd line works quite well. The third stanza was the only stumbling block for me as well. Normally I wouldn't mind but after all the strong rhymes I thought that the lost/must interrupted the flow, especially in such a concise paragraph. Not sure what would work better though. "Friends are lost/ Love is gone/ Though hiding costs/ Pain has won"? Other than that, "among a star" could maybe be beside, or within or something of the sort, because among implies multiple objects. Over-all nice poem, good rhythm and other than that one spot you kept the rhymes going well. I enjoyed it and it's nice to see someone being inspired. P.S. Welcome to the Pen!