Yuki Kokoro

The first poem was good but I was confused by the "..." before the last stanza. What made you put that in or what is it there to express? The free-flow approach of the second one was cool.

Once again this style really appeals to me. I should start a fan-club. This stanza especially rings true: "And I shudder/ At the idea that I care/ Enough to be awake". Just recently I've been going though this same feeling and you capture the conflicting emotions and thoughts very consicely. The justification, the fear, and that guilty hope that they feel horrible for hurting you followed by the painful thought that they might not (which is what I got out of: "I imagine the 'pain' that you must feel for having made me angry"). The bitter laughter following the thought "how could I let this happen?" made it that much more powerful and was a good way to answer such a common question. Great job and I look forward to more.

Very emotional and you did an excellent job with the concept of courage. The last line especially is very effective and... well, painful sounding. If you're the kind of person who accepts hugs from random people... *hugs you*.

The search feature returned this message: "Sorry, but you do not have permission to use this feature. If you are not logged in, you may do so using the form below if available." I was logged in and there was no form below. . **EDIT: Sorry. *laughs embarressed-like* I just read the Shoutbox then the post below, so ignore me. ;; Thanks Quincunx.

It'd be kinda silly to get to 50 posts without joining, so off I go... I hope. ;; ***** Fading Out of the Woodwork Yuki paced back and forth along the hall, periodically glancing at the door with “Writer’s Workshop” engraved in it. She so wanted to get in. Rubbing her tired brown eyes she once again hit up against the thing that kept stopping her. It involved applying. She sent an annoyed glance down the hall that eventually led to the recruiter’s office as the thought continued: applying involved writing something... and then showing it to people... An exasperated huffing noise echoed off the walls as Yuki abandoned her pacing and wandered down the hall, past the library and a section of the residential wing, then outside. ‘This really shouldn’t be so difficult’, she thought to herself as she forcibly restrained her legs from pacing and sat down in the light snow. ‘The Pen is for improving writing after all, and the people here are very nice. Besides, lack of inspiration doesn’t mean you can’t write, it just means you have to push through and write anyway. If you worry about how everything will turn out you’ll never get anything done.’ Yuki’s inner voice was putting up a very good argument, but it wasn’t doing much for the girl herself. She did take heart from her reception in the Banquet Room however. The wonderful poems she had found there had been greatly enjoyed and now she had even gotten over her lingering sense of intrusion, wonder of wonders. In fact, the acceptance she had found for her comments was what had helped prod her into submitting an application, well, that and two certain Pennites who seemed to think she’d do well here. Unfortunately, that had only provided the courage to try to write something, it didn’t actually help with the writing itself. Sighing, Yuki pulled a pad of paper out of her ever-present pocket of Hammer-Space and sat down to write. She mumbled to herself while she fumbled for a pencil, “Now what could I write a poem about...” ***** Many crumpled pieces of paper later she finally had something she felt she could possibly submit. Yuki stared at the piece of paper in her hand, trying to decide what she thought of it. The idea was good, but the implementation… Ah well, she couldn’t find anything she’d like to change, just that ever-present sense that there must be something to change. By her standards, that meant it was finished (at least for now). She strode down the hall and before she lost her nerve and burst into the Recruiter’s office. Hoping her application would even be noticeable she positioned it precisely in the center of the cluttered desk and sat down to wait. Of course the Elder of Initiates was absent for the moment, but if someone had been sitting in the desk, this is what they would’ve seen staring back at them: A request to all Worlds, Plains of Existence, Universes et al. Send me your lost and your lonely Send me your unloved and pained Send me those who feel rejected by the world, Those who have lost their place and their path. Send them to me and let me help them. Send me also your tender and your comforting Send me your gentle hearts, and your patient. Send me those spirits who seek the lost and lonely, Those who want to help others find their place and their path. Send them to me and let me guide them. Let them all find their way to me and we shall change our world together. Let me give them mentors, And help them be mentors. Let me give them support, And teach them to be support. Let me nurture their confidence, that rare flower that must be tended to so carefully Let me tend to it. Let me show them that there are still places in this world in which they can be understood. Lastly, please let me write for them. And teach them to write for themselves. This is all I ask and all I will ever ask. Sincerely yours, ~ The Mighty Pen

*laughs* I love these lighthearted poems. It did indeed ring of an Alice in Wonderland tone, especially these lines: "You never can tell you know/ When there’s a door in your driveway". The last line seems unfinished to me but I can't decide whether that means it needs more poem or that it's fine the way it is because of the way it compliments thethe rest of the piece. If you want to continue I have no objections however. More refreshingly new poetry, today's been a good poetry day.

Oh the wonders that await in the playground of your mind. Sorry, after reading it a second time this merging of the first and last lines just wouldn't go away. Sounds almost like a quote from something. I really liked the "As with everything/ it bends to your will" line too. I don't think I've ever heard time expressed seriously as something that bends to your will but here you make it work. I had a little bit of trouble following your line of thought but once I figured it out I enjoyed this, especially the end.

I can relate to this because I always feel one sentence doesn't really express everything that needs to be said. This was a very creative approach. I think you did a good job capturing the quick flurry of thought that accompanies any simple but meaningful sentence. I did have trouble deciding how to read it, but I decided I liked the way it flowed reading both bold lines, then the italics, then going on to the next stanza/paragraph in the same way. I does rather work against the whole "between the lines" idea though. ;; This line really jumped out at me: "The yellow curb paint is chipped and flecked, but nobody expects it to be repainted anyway". This is a sentiment I see all too often. Sometimes the only reason nothing changes is because everyone is so used to it they don't even know they're allowed to expect something better. You did a good job of capturing that idea in a very specific way. Nice job, it's always good to see an inventive approach, especially when it works as well as this.

This is excellent. I love the message and the way you dealt with it. For every bad part of life there is a good part somewhere too, waiting for you to remember it or find it. I found the over-all tone very sad, but the message behind it was indeed uplifting. I also liked the rhyme and I think you did a good job with letting it enhance the piece without it taking control or being distracting. Bravo! *applauds*

I liked the ending, even though it is decidedly despondent. It changed the topic in my mind from the oft-used "wanting something out of my reach" and added another layer. You know why it's out of your reach and it's not because you're reaching for something too high, it's because you're too scared to reach at all. I also thought it was surprising that if you hadn't titled it "the date" I wouldn't have figured out that that's what was going on. The distance between these two people seems so great. Nice poem with a good use of imagery an interesting idea. I look forward to seeing more from you.

Interesting style. It creates verbally the equivalent of images flashing by, as if it could be filmed in a series of stills. I think this feeling is strengthened by the lack of stanza breaks. It seems... flickering? If a poem can be flickering this one is.

I enjoyed the way you took a very personal and emotional reaction and turned it into an epic-type story. Everyone can relate to how much it hurts to be forgotten and unappreciated and it makes the Walker a sympathetic character even though/up until he destroys the world in the end. He appeals to that side of us that rages when we are treated badly. "Thus was the Walker both triumphant and ruined, Filled with joy for his anger slaked, And sadness for that part which loved the land still" This is a great ending and brings some of the good character from the beginning back into the madness/anger that overcame him. Although poems do tend to sound better as ideas, I think you did an excellent job putting this one into words. Nice job. Vanessa ~ Interesting reply that changes the whole focus of the poem from the Walker and the wrongs he feels have been done to him to the plight of the people. It changes the Walker from a nearly symapthetic character to the true villian, bringing out two valid interpretations of this set of events with the two different endings the poems have. I don't think there is a good and bad here though, just two different ways of looking at things and two different messages.

This is sweet, I liked the sleepy warm tone. For me the expression of this soft gentle love is just as powerful, often even more so, than a traditional love poem.

The chanting rhythm added a lot to both these poems (or parts of one poem). I really liked these last lines of the first one: "I taste the final joy I brought/ At least my death was not for naught" They change the tone of the whole poem from the suffering of death to the triumph this death brings.

This is excellent. One of those poems that give me goose bumps. *shivers* These lines were great: "while millions of thoughts from the angered and bold/ are abandoned for the timid and scared" this really struck home, the way new and revolutionary things are dismissed because people are afraid of change or of offending someone. The last stanza was definitely my favorite though. The last two lines are just so chilling and painful. Excellent job putting such a complex topic and blend of feelings into poetry.

"Everyday better than the last" was very good. I liked the lyrical quality and light-hearted tone. Very nice job with the repetition also, I usually don't like a lot of repetition in poems because it's not often that the author finds a line that is strong enough to be used multiple times and fits into a poem smoothly, but you found one. It begs to be sung and was a nice breath of fresh air. I also loved Swimery. I liked the way the view switched from what was expected halfway through the poem. The tone made the poem funny and entertaining, not sure if it was ironic, cynical or sincere, but I enjoyed it.

I really liked the parallels you drew in the first post about time and faith. Two man-made concepts that both serve and bring suffering. In the second post I liked each seperate image: wind, the lamb, and especially the being "nowhere at once", but I had a hard time tying it all together. I eventually got it though... I think...

"If Only" was just... wow. That was very powerful. The sentiment is one everyone can relate to to some degree or another and this view is intense. I could feel the undertone of bitterness and the heaping regret. I also liked "Doves", though I was surprised by the adjective "swollen". Any particular reasoning behind that? My only guess would be the image of our true thoughts and selves that we don't allow to show stretching the "Façades of beauty" until they swell. Very nice poems all, and welcome to The Pen.

I'm not sure what to say. This is a very emotional and well-expressed poem. I'm not sure how serious the thoughts expressed here are, but I don't believe you are in any way responsible for the death of your aunt. However, irrational fears are often the most powerful. Once again I enjoyed your writing style, I especially liked the lines: "My aunt’s hair was the color of a sunset/ Painted by a mis-led artist/ Believing a sunset should look/ A certain way". The thought of the artists who work too hard trying to create something that looks "the way it should look" is one I can relate to.

*laughs* I enjoyed this, the last sentence was great. The only thing is that the line organization is distracting; I think it takes away more than it adds. The broken style suits the conversation rhythm, but perhaps not quite so broken. Maybe put lines like, "That's a river in Egypt" and "I don't have any problems" on one line and just break it for natural pauses?

I'd suggest changing "whatever" into something else because to me it makes that line sound unfinished, but that's just personal preference. Also the second to last line could be "Lying to people like you have no heart". Over-all: good poem. ...and that last line really resonates for me...

Welcome to The Pen. I liked this; the views were interesting. Hope for the freedom to be captive to our desires, and that the fruit itself didn't do anything, it was our act of choice, of defiance, that brought us life. Escape from never changing perpetual paradise. I like this take on it, it was thought provoking and well-expressed. I also enjoy your writing style: clear, crisp, and graceful.

I liked the last two lines, they're a good summery of this state of mind.

This piece has an interesting mood. The tone is serious, almost formal, and the line: "not for fragile minds, this" implies that these thoughts could be harmful, almost dark. On the other hand, the title of the poem, Daydreamer, brings to mind light-hearted thoughts (for me at least) and stands in contrast to the poem itself. Unusual approach. I couldn't tell if it was purposeful, but lines 4 and 6 both ending in "this" caught my eye/ear. My only suggestion would be changing one of those, but I'm not sure what it could be changed to. Line four could be: "enraptured within" but then you'd start to loose the rhythm of each line being it's own phrase... Either way, nice work. I enjoyed it.

*comes running up, tackles you and holds on a while... in a hug of course... not a violent tackle.... ; * I'm glad you're working through this and although it may be miserable now, I have confidence you'll get through it and be happier than you have been. Self-introspection can indeed be painful, but no matter what horrors you think you find out about yourself, just remember your friends have probably been able to see them all along and we love you anyway. They're not nearly as bad as you think. Lastly, in my personal opinion caring is healthy, crying is healthy, and being able to accept yourself most of all is very important (and healthy ). Progressing towards this is a constant and difficult challenge, but one well worth it in the joys each step can bring. I know you'll get there.