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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Merelas

Herald
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Everything posted by Merelas

  1. This is very interesting; I liked it a lot, Zool. --Here I'm not quite sure what's happening. Who offers it to you? I can hear the sounds with this imagery-- I liked that a lot. I don't know what "the private interior" is... I'm not sure what purpose that line serves, but the juices spattering is very characteristic of my experiences with apples. It's also something I probably wouldn't have thought to include. I agree with Wren; this is extremely sexual imagery and methinks I like the comparison--eating an apple is consuming the reproductive organs of another thing. Generally very strong and I like it a lot! Well played, Zoolio. edit: fixed some quote thingys
  2. Merelas strode out into the courtyard and began setting up for the event. He knew that the pen was very diverse and that he would have to cater to a variety of tastes and hunger levels. Due to this, he set up several stations. First was that for those smaller than him. He threw several small franks into a saucepan, poured a barbacue sauce marinade over that, and conjured a an enormous fire. He walked through it holding the saucepan, and by the time he stepped out they sauce was boiling and the franks were done. Setting several spear-like dowells next to the pot, he moved on to the next station. Merelas wheeled out his grill and threw on several italian, german, and polish sausages before repeating the same cooking step, except this time pulling the grill through behind him. He took the sausages off the grill, and set them on a baking sheet next to some paper plates and hot dog buns. Finally, he conjured a small fire and set out the rest of his hot dogs and sausages for those that wanted to make roast their own with a set of roasting sticks that he set next to the cooler. Putting on the finishing touches, he grabbed a several pitchers on a tray and walked over to the magical fountain in the gnome garden. He retrieved several types of ales, beers, punches, pop, and juice. He carried them back and placed them on the central table with plastic cups around. He set out little pop-toys that would send up streamers when activated, and even a grab-bag with, among other things, a few shinies in it. As a last touch for the party, Merelas strew crepe paper and streamers everywhere in nice, warm colors, with a decorative flare. Finally, Merelas barged in on Wyvern, who was conducting the latest News Broadcast. "We interrupt this interruption of your regularly scheduled program in order to invite you all personally to a Weenie-Roast extravaganza in the Courtyard of our own Mighty Pen. Refreshments provided, but BYOC--that is, bring your own conversation. Hope to see you there." Listeners could hear Merelas whispering to Wyvern that this might be the place to find his attractive intern before there was microphone feedback and Merelas returned to the courtyard.
  3. Congratulations on another year. Hope your days were great and that the new year brings you many successes-- SALUD! AMOR! DINERO!
  4. I really enjoyed this, actually. Your images, colors, words play together very nicely... I think that the "wondering at her pull" line is fine, personally, and I really enjoyed the freeverse style. Thanks for sharing!
  5. Name: Sylas Clan: Nosferatu Generation: 9th Nature: Director Deamenor: Conformist Sire: "Bloody" Mary Stewart Discipline: Sylas has abandoned all disciplines but Obfuscate, and in turn has been rewarded with an "outstanding" rating in it. Apparent Age: ~20; it's hard to tell due to his deformities. Real Age: 101 Height: 5'1 (It's unknown how tall he would be if he were able to stand up straight) Weight: 220 lbs. Sylas did not take well to the Embrace. In life, he was the child of two blue-collar parents, his mother a baker, his father a janitor at the local high school he attended. He was born with intense asthma and a club foot, both intense obstacles to overcome, especially during the depression when money was tight and time to nurture a child was tighter. Sylas always did well in school, however, and there was no concern of him wandering off to join in the second world war, when that rolled around. It was during that great conflict, when Sylas was just starting his time at the University, that he received the Embrace. Mary Stewart (perhaps descended from, but certainly not directly related to Mary, Queen of Scots) seduced him; it was easy for him to fall in love with such a beautiful woman, who seemed to love him for his intellect, his clarity of thought, and his drive for success regardless of obstacles. She seemed to love him and be attracted to him regardless of his breathing, his continual limping, doddering movements. It was in her bed that he received the embrace. Unsure what was happening, Sylas let his life flow away, and then was awakened amoment later. Mary was completely different now. Her face was red with scar tissue, and it was difficult to make out the girl she had appeared before. After Sylas' first hunger dissipated, Mary explained to him that he had been manipulated using an ancient vampiric technique allowing them to change their appearance. Sylas didn't reply, but he has never forgiven his sire. That night, he vowed to become as great a master of Obfuscation as she. He has. He has also fallen in line with the views and concentrations of Clan Nosferatu; Sylas listens, gathers information, and can provide that information, for a price. He is always willing to help, if you're willing to help him. Only recently has Sylas begun dabbling in Animalism, but he would still receive an "Abysmal" in that trait if evaluated today.
  6. Thanks for the advice, everybody... guitar hero proved worthy of your praise
  7. This is very sad. I think you've got a lot going on in this poem; some very good, some not so good. First what I think can improve, so that I can end on a good note . Your beginning is "stress builds"... or at least that is the real beginning of the poem for me since it is the first really active part. I read that and I thought, "aha, a poem about stress. An interesting analogy with tectonic plates." And it is an interesting analogy, if this poem were about stress. I'm not sure what you want it to be about right now, but it is not about stress. It's about disasters and the way people respond to them, how they grieve, and how they happen. Which is fine. If that's what you want it to be about, I would revise the first line: "With tectonic plates, stress builds, accumulates", so that the part about tectonic plates isn't forming a simile that builds expectations. Then again, you do have the interesting "broken expectations" game working in your favor as it stands now. But on the good side, you have amazing imagery. Your tone is completely consistent thoughout the poem (something I have come to appreciate), and it completely meshes with the theme you've developed. The broken sentence fragments and such are incredibly powerful... "shattered glass" is really good, in my opinion, perhaps because it sounds good, but perhaps because it sounds really good in context. Overall, good work.
  8. ... dreamed about a love so sweet that you cried when you woke because you realized it wasn't real?
  9. I'm glad you decided to drop by. Good to see you about!!
  10. I've found that the best cure for me personally (while all of the above is great advice) is to re-read some of my old works. Go through all the poetry and prose and history--even old academic essays. If you get an urge, correct some of the errors you find there (for me a work will never ever be finished. No piece will, even when the story is "tied up"). And then, once you've gone through all of your old things, read a book.
  11. I remember you *hug* from one recent returner to another, welcome back.
  12. Regel brings up some points that are interesting for me, but I like this poem a lot. It evokes images of passion for me; passion in vain on the part of the believer. It also evokes a sort of cynicism, condescension and superiority on the part of the protagonist (which is fine; it's a very strong voice to work with). I therefore am impressed with the overall tone, word choice, style and format. Some of the linguistic choices escape me, however, and I'll discuss them below: I don't know what this means or to what it is referring. Perhaps I'm just slow on the uptake. Couple of things in this stanza-- 1) The break from four lines to three lines is something I don't understand here. It's clearly a linguistic choice, but one I don't understand. Is it whimsy, or is there some reason you want this to stand out. If it's the latter, you might want to clarify what should stand out. 2) The modifiers/adjectives are dangling. I'm not sure who's the lecher, the indulgent fool. Is it the believer, the unnamed "you" referred to in the poem or "the one you call god"? Twice you lead to a stanza with "so." I think it detracts from the rhythm (I can't ever spell that word) of the poem for me, but that's a personal, stylistic choice. I would choose a different verb here. "scream till your throat bloodies," or, "scream till your throat bleeds raw", or, "scream till your throat is raw" even. Again, personal stylistic choice. One of a few moments in the poem that really grabbed me. I think another one was "will he ever scream back to you?" It does this sort of gut-jerk reality check for the reader... or at least for me. You should be proud. The repetition here works well--you tied it back in with the beginning nicely. It doesn't seem redundant at all, which is imortant with repetition. Overall, well done. Entrhalling, and I hope to see more of your work in the future.
  13. Salud, dinero, amor! Wyvie, you're a true gentleman and scholar. All the best wishes from me to you on this, your birthingday.
  14. Congratulations... seriously, well done, and I hope your class is even more fun/challenging than you're expecting.
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