Snypiuer

There is an old song, can't remember title, but there is a part that goes: "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life Never make a pretty woman your wife. And from my personal point of view Get an ugly girl to marry you." Basically it's a song that says that beautiful women can have any man they want, so they don't have any reason to make YOU happy. While ugly women will do ANYTHING for a man that will marry them. Whether or not this is true, is not for me to say. I believe in individuals. Regardless, my advice pretaining to this song is: If this song ever comes on, never, under ANY circumstances, turn to the girl you are with and ask her to marry you. Do not ask how I know this, just accept it as fact!

Thanks for welcoming me back! Been out on the road since August and figured I'd get some things done while I'm home. So, been going over old Archmage post and copying them over here (Hope people enjoy them!) Also, while doing so, I ran across an old topic. Hence: Snypiuer places his finger a hairs bredth from Zool's nose and say's "I'm STILL not touching you!" HA........HA......HAAA...HAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

************************* UNREGESTERED ************************* Long. And long. I traveled far. Restless, did I roam. 'Till the day, I heard the tale. I hastened to my home. A cold. Dark. And bitter place. It was, when I arrived. Time to rebuild. Mourn the dead. Comfort those, who survived. For there was truth. In the tale I heard. As I traveled. Far and wide. Those who remain. Are unregestered. Our past. It seems. Has died. --------------------- Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

********************************************* THE ASSASSIN'S PRICE Any death, can be had. For a price. Mere coppers. Seven pieces of silver. Perhaps a bag of gold. The price is not in the fee. But, in the darkness of one's soul. So cast your lot and spare the tale. Be it honor. Love. Or greed. Every reason ancient, countlessly retold. Fore the price depends not on the need. But, the darkness of one's soul. ------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` There was a boy, who dreamed of flight. Upon the wings of love. He would, each night, cast his eyes. To the skies above. To his eyes, Amongst the stars Flew a falcon and a dove. And when dreams came, soft and sweet. They were of only one. For his heart was pure. His love complete. Its heat was like the sun. And he knew, his love would last. 'Till his life was done. When came the dawn, the sky was blue. There flew high above. Upon the breeze, like angels bright. A falcon and a dove. And though we know, the truth of life. Never dimmed his love. For, when in love, dreams can come true. Even for a falcon and a dove. ------------------ Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

****************************** I hear her. In the darkest depths of night. Her whispers echo through my dreams. Like a lovers caress. Or the soft, milky breath of a slumbering newborn. I feel her. Her yearning. I can feel her reaching out to me. Grasping. Seeking to pull me close. To clutch me tightly against her bosom. Like an over protective mother. I know. She would accept me. If I were to go to her. She would welcome me with open arms. And I could let go my burdens. Rest my head upon her shoulder. Shed tears of joy and sorrow. With no shame nor guilt. She would embrace me. Brush her gentle fingers through my hair. And lovingly whisper. "Now, now. All will be well. You are home." ------------------ Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

The Forgotten Battle ******************** I turn and face the sun As it shines down and caresses me Upon this hill Above the field of glory. With trembling arm I raise my sword in salute Though I am weak My body so tired I thrill just to breath. For on this day A battle was fought A war was waged Many a life was given Upon that field below. Of all those who came this day To fight To die For honor Glory Pride I alone Won the right To sheath my sword Turn my back And walk away From that field below. So, with sword held high I raise my voice in praise To friend And foe, alike "A battle well fought! A challenge well met! Fear not. Your memory shall go on. For I shall go forth and tell the tale of this day. The deeds done. The Honor and Glory Due each of you." With this I lower my sword And plunge it into the ground Atop this hill As a marker for those who may yet pass As I do so I see the life That pools around my feet Is it friend's Or foe's Surely, it cannot be mine For, of all those who came this day To fight To die I alone won the right To survive To tell the tale of this day. It matters not My body tired Weak It's as if my soul cries out, "You are weary, rest. For you have a journey ahead." As I sit And look upon the field below I think "They shall sing your praises Throughout the lands. Oh, the stories I shall tell." With this I lay down Rest my head Close my eyes To sleep To dream Of glories past And yet to come I smile I am content And breath my last. ------------------ Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

############################################# AT MY MASTER'S FEET ******************* At my master's feet I lay, panting away the days heat Silently watching Always at the ready A yawn A stretch A gentle cleansing of the groin I am content At my master's feet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Very little is known about the long dead Blood God. The little that is known, is guarded and kept close - by me. My search to assume the mantle of this being of immense power has led me to many lands and places long forgotten. And I have gained knowledge and power, both ancient and forbidden. This is a story of one of my travels in search of this power and knowledge. It is known that the Blood God forged three swords of power. One sword is known to have been lost with him. One rests upon my hip. And the location of the last has been long forgotten to even the First Gods. While sitting in my study one day, one of my many scouts, that I send out in search of arcane lore and artifacts, returned with news that the location of the final sword may have been discovered. He told of a land shrouded in mystery and protected by strange magic. He also reported that the ruler of this land was a creature of terrible might and power. With foul Demon Lords, long thought dead, as his servants. He named this land Feld'DChe. I immediately sent an expedition out to gain more knowledge and personally started research on this land. I found very little. What I did find, suggested that Feld'DChe was, in fact, the legendary First Land. Where the First Gods anchored reality and brought order to Chaos. Where mortal life, itself, was born and set forth from. None, from my expedition, ever returned. The prospect that the final sword was actually within my grasp, was far too tantalizing. I set out to retrieve it with artifacts of vast power and a massive army that sent all before us running in terror. We were unchallenged by the greatest of all the lands we traveled through. The gods themselves took notice, and stood aside in fear. I, alone, returned. Through many strange and perilous lands, we traveled. After cresting a mountain range, a desert stretched before us. Barren of all life, a full third of my army was lost in the crossing - to dehydration and hunger. When it seemed that all was lost, we came to the shores of an enormous lake. At first, I believed it to be a mirage - a dream. We came down to its shore and, even I, fell to my knees in relief. We spent a month upon that shore, regaining our strength. It was the purest water any has ever tasted and the fish we pulled from those waters, were more succulent then I had ever imagined any food could be. After we regained our strength and spirits, we converted our wagons to rafts and set out across the waters. After three days of rowing across the placid surface, an island loomed before us. A land of green beauty. With birds of vibrant colors, languidly floating upon unseen currents. Creatures, of savage majesty, peacefully roamed among herds of gentle and timid beasts. We were even more surprised when we landed. None of these animals feared us or attacked. With a reverent hand, I reached out and stroked the mane of the largest lion I have ever seen. He nuzzled me and actually purred. A feeling of peace over came all of us. I knew, in my heart, that we had arrived. The elation I felt at being so close to my goal, seemed to spread amongst all of us. We made our way inland, without delay. A strength and fervor grew in me. I felt more powerful then I ever had. Surrounded by such magnificent animals and beauty, I could feel the land itself. I looked around and knew that so could those that followed me. As we progressed, the beauty and feeling only increased. It came as a shock, to all of us, when we came to a field that looked as if a war had been fought upon it. Rocks and craters littered it. Fallen trees and the bleached bones of unknown creatures lay scattered across it. At this point, the animals that had traveled amongst us, began to gently try to turn us back. You could feel the fear in them. They tugged at us and stood before us. They seemed to hang their head in sorrow as it became clear that we would not be deterred. The lion that had stayed by my side looked at me, I stared into his eyes and he seemed to say, "Please, do not go into that blasted land. Stay. Live among us." It took all my will to tear my eyes away. To take that first step towards my greatest lose. A part of me wishes I had not. As we started across that field, the animals stood solemnly at the very edge of some unseen barrier. Their sadness could be felt in all of us. I felt the attack an instant before it hit us. I threw up a shield that took the brunt of the force. A dark light seemed to spread across the shield and tendrils of some foul magic began to slip through cracks. I poured more power into the shield and the attack stopped. But it was too late. Everyone that the tendrils touched began to change. Limbs began to explode from chests and backs. One of my most loyal and trusted men turned to me, his entire head had turned into one giant gaping mouth - lined with fangs and tentacles. He screamed at me and I felt a tearing at my soul. I lashed out with raw magic power and shredded the meat from his bones. His skeleton flopped around on the ground as if it was still alive and in pain. Looking around, I saw those that had followed me, fighting and dying at each others hands. Wading into the battle, I used magic and sword to kill my own. The battle lasted 'till night fall. When it was over, the devastation was apparent. The dead and dying littered the field. We had decimated ourselves. All told, there was me and less then fifty of those that followed me standing. Perhaps the greatest army to ever be assembled, had destroyed itself. Turning to those that survived, I gave them leave to turn back. To live amongst the animals beyond the barrier in peace. I would go on. Not one of my men left my side. At the far edge of the blasted field, stood the crumbled walls of a once magnificent city. The very ground here pulsed with ancient and forgotten power. Entering the fallen city, we knew that this was, indeed, the First City - where life itself began. Making our way through the debris, we came to a large square. In the middle sat a dragon of ancient might. It spoke to us, "So, you have made it across the field of tears. It has been long since any have set foot upon the streets of this city. I am it's failed guardian. Placed here by the First Gods to protect and nurture those who were their children. For my sin of failure, I have been denied a Name and will never be allowed beyond these fallen walls. I beg of you, turn back." I replied, "Lord Dragon, long we have journeyed. Our losses great. Our will greater. We cannot turn back. Stand aside." To this he replied, "If I could, I would. But, in my defeat, I was cursed. I cannot let you pass. You must defeat me to go on. Please, do not force me to do this." My answer, and that of my comrades (I call them comrades, for that is what they were at this time) was an unsheathing of our swords. A tear fell from the great and noble dragons eye, as he said, "May you and the First Gods forgive me. But, if you do defeat me, I see you carry a sword of the Blood God. That which takes the soul of my kind. Please, if I fall, let that be the weapon that finishes me." His attack was violent, with a speed I have never experienced - in all my battles with dragons. He was truly a King amongst a noble race. With his left wing, he buffeted the men to my right as his tail swept out at those to my left. He let lose with a blast of flames at me and those around me. I was able to block most of the flame with a hasty shield. The mighty beast leapt into the air as four of my comrades, who retained bows, fired at him. One hit him in his right eye as he attempted to land upon us and crush us. This allowed me and a few others to dive out of the way. As he landed, he crushed those that could not get out of the way and whipped some others with his tail. Turning towards me, he spoke a word and I was blasted across the square, my cloak wrapping around me and protecting me. I stood to find those caught in the blast along with me, broken at my feet. The dragon must have thought we were all dead from the blast, for he turned his attention to those around him. This was his undoing. My comrades fought valiantly and managed to harm the dragon. But, it was obvious that they would fall. I used my magic to lift a fallen obelisk that lay near me, and sent it at the back of the beast, like a giant spear. It impaled him and drove him through the remains of a building. In the silence that fell, you could hear his heart slowly beating, fading. I scrambled through the rubble and came to his head. He looked at me, and smiled. In a low, soft voice, he said, "I am sorry. Please forgive me." I could only say, "There is no need." I then made my way to his chest and raised my sword. As I pierced his chest and heart, with his dying breath, he thanked me. There was but nine of us that left that square alive. We headed towards the heart of the city, where a castle yet stood. Entering the castle, we walked through halls filled with treasure beyond imagination. We passed through with neither a glance nor thought to them. It was in the center of the castle complex that a court yard sat. In the center of this court yard, was a raised, tiled floor. Round and fully 100 feet in diameter. There, in a semi circle, were 13 Demon Lords upon mounts out of nightmare. Raising a sword and pointing it at us, the center Demon Lord spoke, "You have traveled far and overcome much. Upon this floor, order was brought to Chaos and the sword of the Blood God was used to anchor it. All power, all reality, manifest from this place. Here is the beginning. Here will be the end. You stand in the presence of the Lord of this land. That which conquered this land and rules without peer. FALL TO YOUR KNEES! ABASE YOURSELF TO YOUR BETTER! And you will be allowed to die a swift death! BOW BEFORE THE FOUL AND FEROCIOUS PEPPER CORN OF FELD'DCHE!!!" At this, the Demon Lord pointed with his sword to the center of the floor. There sat a small round pepper corn. My comrades and I stood aghast. We stared at each other in disbelief. As one, we said, "WHAT!? It's a freakin' PEPPER CORN!!!" The Demon Lords attacked - screaming, "BLASPHEMY!!" Anger, beyond measure, consumed me. I spoke a word of power never heard by mortals. Found in one of my many searches to gain the mantle of the Blood God. A word forbidden, even to the divine. It rocked the entire island and the shock from it still vibrates through reality. The four center Demon Lords and their mounts were gone. Erased from reality as if they never existed. My comrades and I faced the remaining Demon Lords. The battle was swift and deadly. In the end. I alone stood. Beaten. Tired beyond measure. On my knees, I realized. It was for naught. The sword was the anchor of all reality. To take it would send all that there is back into Chaos. Eventually, I may figure out a way to replace it safely. But, for now, I must leave it. My anger burned within me. I turned to the small round pepper corn that sat in the center of the floor and saw only an outlet for that anger. I raised my sword and brought it down with all my might. To my horror, it skittered out from under my blade! "YOU BASTARD!" I screamed, and once again swung at it. It skittered away! I leaped upon it! Attempting to crush it. I beat upon it with my bare hands, 'till they were bloody and broken. The pepper corn remained whole and unhurt. No matter what I used to try to smash it, it skittered out from under it. Nothing but dents in my skin when I used my body. Magic had no effect. I fought the blasted thing for hours. Finally, exhausted and tired, I stood before the foul thing. A grim smile came over my lips as I raised my foot. I would crush it beneath my heel. As I brought my foot down, it rolled beneath my foot. I found myself falling backwards. Hitting my head, I became unconscious, I do not know for how long. When I came to, I stood. Death was all around me. And there, back in the center of the floor, sat the pepper corn. A chill ran up my spine as I turned to leave that place. I was once again attacked while crossing the field of tears. My magic barely saving me. The animals beyond the barrier were there. Waiting. They took care of me and nursed me back to health. It was with a heavy heart, that I left that land. So much beauty - and horror. Someday, if I figure out how to safely secure the sword, I will return. I will never reveal the lands location. But, if you ever come upon a land beyond a great desert. In the midst of a lake who's waters are purer then any others. Where the lion lays down with the lamb. A land that can only be described as Paradise. My advise is to linger not. Return to your home. And, if you heed my advice, be grateful that you did not face the wrath of the Foul and Ferocious Pepper Corn of Feld'DChe. ------------------ Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a story I've been telling since about 6th grade. Let's just say it's been a LONG time (considering that I'm older then Nim - that's why he's the only one who knows the same songs I do!). ********************************************* One morning, a boy of around six years old was playing outside in his sandbox, waiting for his mom to take him to school - which didn't start 'till noon, him being so young and all, he only went half a day. Anyways, as he was playing, the wind blew a purple piece of paper that landed right in front of him. This purple piece of paper had a word written on it. The little boy could not read this word, but he tried. He tried so hard that he didn't hear when his mother called to him. Finally she shouted, "Get in here and clean up! You're going to be late for school!" The little boy hurried into the house and closed the door behind him. "Why didn't you come when I called you young man?" His mother asked sternly. "Well, you see. I was playing outside and I found a purple peice of paper. It has a word written on it and I can't read what it says." His mother replied, "Let me see this purple piece of paper. I'll read it and tell you what it says." The little boy hands it to his mother who takes it and reads it to herself. The little boy's mother becomes enraged, "YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SH@T! YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE! GET OUT AND NEVER EVER COME BACK!!!" She shoves the purple piece of paper in his mouth and then kicks him through the door - with out even opening it first! The little boy lays in a heap for awhile and then gets up. Having no where else to go, he heads to school. Needless to say, he is late. His teacher asks, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So I walked here and here I am." Flabbergasted at such a tale, the teacher says, "Let me read the purple piece of paper and I'll tell you what it says." The little boy hesitantly hands the purple piece of paper to his teacher, she reads it. "YOU GODD@MNED LITTLE SON OF A B@TCH!" and hits the little boy with a chair! "TAKE THIS PURPLE PIECE OF PAPER AND GO TO THE PRINCIPLES OFFICE! NOW!" She hits him in the back of the head with a stapler as he stumbles out of the room. When he gets to the principles office, the principle looks at the little boy and says, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to come here. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I came here - so here I am." The principle can't believe what he just heard. "Let me see this purple piece of paper." He tells the little boy. The little boy sighs and hands the purple piece of paper to the principle. He reads it. "YOU MOTHER F@@KING LITTLE WORM!!!" and beats the little boy sensless with a lamp! He then drags the little boys limp body to the school board and leaves him there with the purple piece of paper. The school board sits in stunned silence until the little boy comes to. When the little boy comes to, the head of the school board says, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to go to the principles office. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I went to the principles office, he asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what was on it. I gave it to him, he read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me sensless with a lamp. Dragged my limp body here - so here I am." The school board sat in shock until the head of the school board said, "Give us the purple piece of paper. We'll read it and tell you what it says." The little boy hangs his head and hands them the purple piece of paper. They all crowd around and read it together. Yells of, "YOU FILTHY @SSWIPE!!" and "GOATS@CKING MAGGOT!!!" ring out as they take turns beating the little boy and then throw him through a third story window with the purple piece of paper. Landing in some bushes, the little boy survives and limps away before they can come outside and beat him some more. With no where else to go, the little boy wanders the streets. A police officer sees him and investigates why a little boy his age is not in school and wandering the streets alone. Coming up to the boy, he sees him and says, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to go to the principles office. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I went to the principles office, he asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what was on it. I gave it to him, he read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me sensless with a lamp. Dragged my limp body to the school board and left me there. When I came to, the school board asked what happened. I told them and they said they would read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it says. I gave it to them, they read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Took turns beating me. Threw me through a third story window. Luckily, I landed in some bushes and survived. I got up and left before they could come out after me. With no where else to go, I started wandering the streets - so here I am." The police officer says, "Son, I'll get to the bottom of this. Let me see that purple piece of paper." With hope, the little boy gives the police officer the purple piece of paper. He reads it. "YOU NO GOOD PIECE OF TRASH!!! F@@KING DOG LICKING SCUM!!!" and proceeds to pistol whip the little boy before taking him to the court house and before a judge. The judge sees the little boy and says, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to go to the principles office. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I went to the principles office, he asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what was on it. I gave it to him, he read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me sensless with a lamp. Dragged my limp body to the school board and left me there. When I came to, the school board asked what happened. I told them and they said they would read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it says. I gave it to them, they read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Took turns beating me. Threw me through a third story window. Luckily, I landed in some bushes and survived. I got up and left before they could come out after me. With no where else to go, I started wandering the streets. A police officer found me and asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd get to the bottom of this, so I gave him the purple piece of paper. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Pistol whipped me and brought me here - so here I am." The judge says, "Let me see that purple piece of paper." The little boy hands it to him. He reads it. "SH@T EATING LOW LIFE!!! I'M SENTENCING YOU TO LIFE IN PRISON!!! AND THIS PURPLE PIECE OF PAPER WILL BE YOUR ONLY COMPANY 'TILL THE DAY YOU DIE!!!" and proceeds to beat the little boy with his gavel. When the little boy arrives in prison, the warden sees him and says, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to go to the principles office. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I went to the principles office, he asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what was on it. I gave it to him, he read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me sensless with a lamp. Dragged my limp body to the school board and left me there. When I came to, the school board asked what happened. I told them and they said they would read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it says. I gave it to them, they read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Took turns beating me. Threw me through a third story window. Luckily, I landed in some bushes and survived. I got up and left before they could come out after me. With no where else to go, I started wandering the streets. A police officer found me and asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd get to the bottom of this, so I gave him the purple piece of paper. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Pistol whipped me and took me to the court house before a judge. The judge asked what happened, so I told him. He said to give him the purple piece of paper. So, I did. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me with his gavel. Sentenced me and the purple piece of paper to life in prison - so here I am." The warden said, "Well, before anything else, I'll need to see this purple piece of paper." The little boy hands the purple piece of paper to him. He reads it. "YOU VILE LITTLE @SS MUNCHER!!! FORGET LIFE IN PRISON!!! YOU'RE GOING TO THE CHAIR!!! NOW!!!" grabs a gaurds club and beats him. Then drags him to the electric chair and fries the little boy. The little boy opens his eyes to find himself holding the purple piece of paper and standing at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Saint Peter, not expecting the little boy and seeing the state he's in, says, "What happened to you!?" The little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to go to the principles office. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I went to the principles office, he asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what was on it. I gave it to him, he read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me sensless with a lamp. Dragged my limp body to the school board and left me there. When I came to, the school board asked what happened. I told them and they said they would read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it says. I gave it to them, they read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Took turns beating me. Threw me through a third story window. Luckily, I landed in some bushes and survived. I got up and left before they could come out after me. With no where else to go, I started wandering the streets. A police officer found me and asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd get to the bottom of this, so I gave him the purple piece of paper. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Pistol whipped me and took me to the court house before a judge. The judge asked what happened, so I told him. He said to give him the purple piece of paper. So, I did. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me with his gavel. Sentenced me and the purple piece of paper to life in prison. When I got to the prison, the warden asked what happened, so I told him. He said before anything else, he'd have to see the purple piece of paper. so I gave it to him. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me with a club and fried me in the electric chair - so here I am." With compassion in his eyes, Saint Peter says, "My poor child. Let me read this purple piece of paper. I shall read it and all will be better." The little boy hands the purple piece of paper to Saint Peter. He reads it. "YOU GODD@MNED C@NT!!!" takes off his halo and beats the little boy whith it, while cursing him with words never heard by mortal beings before. Then casts him down into hell. The little boy lands at the cloven hooves of Satan himself. Rather startled, Satan looks at the little boy and says, "What happened to you!?" Sitting up and taking a deep breath, the little boy replies, "Well, you see this morning, I was playing outside and found a purple piece of paper. It has a word written on it and I don't know what it says. My mom called me in 'cause I was going to be late and I showed her the purple piece of paper. She read it. Became enraged. Yelled at me and called me bad names. Shoved the purple piece of paper in my mouth and kicked me through the door. Didn't even open it first! Told me never to come back. So, having no where else to go, I walked to school and was late. The teacher asked me why and I told her. She said she'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it said, so I handed it to her. She read it, yelled at me, called me bad names. Hit me with a chair. Told me to go to the principles office. So, I got up, she hit me in the head with a stapler as I stumbled out the door. I went to the principles office, he asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd read the purple piece of paper and tell me what was on it. I gave it to him, he read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me sensless with a lamp. Dragged my limp body to the school board and left me there. When I came to, the school board asked what happened. I told them and they said they would read the purple piece of paper and tell me what it says. I gave it to them, they read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Took turns beating me. Threw me through a third story window. Luckily, I landed in some bushes and survived. I got up and left before they could come out after me. With no where else to go, I started wandering the streets. A police officer found me and asked what happened. I told him. He said he'd get to the bottom of this, so I gave him the purple piece of paper. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Pistol whipped me and took me to the court house before a judge. The judge asked what happened, so I told him. He said to give him the purple piece of paper. So, I did. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me with his gavel. Sentenced me and the purple piece of paper to life in prison. When I got to the prison, the warden asked what happened, so I told him. He said before anything else, he'd have to see the purple piece of paper. so I gave it to him. He read it. Yelled at me, called me bad names. Beat me with a club and fried me in the electric chair. When I opened my eyes, I found myself holding the purple piece of paper and standing before the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter. Saint Peter asked what happened, so I told him. He said he would read the purple piece of paper and all will be better. So I gave it to him and he read it. He yelled at me, called me bad names. Cursed me with words never heard by mortal beings before. Beat me with his halo and cast me down here - so here I am." Satan says, "WHOA! Your own mother!? ALL those people!? EVEN Saint Peter!? AND this all started THIS morning!? To a LITTLE BOY!? I have GOT to know this word!!! Don't worry about a thing boy! I LIKE...no. I LOVE things like this! You just give me that purple piece of paper and not only will I tell you what it says, I'll make eternity for you as good as it can possibly be in Hell. You've got it made my boy!" The little boy shrugs and says, "Heck, what have I got to lose?" So he holds out the purple peice of paper. With ecstatic glee, Satan reaches for it with one fiery hand. Grasping it, the purple piece of paper BURST into flames! So, we'll NEVER know what the word on the purple piece of paper was. ------------------ Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; ARGHHHH!!!!!! A MONKEY!!!!!! joat116 (#7124) wrote; OH MY GOD!!! Where'd he go!!! Where'd he go!!! LOOK ANOTHER ONE!!! Stop him he's going for the bannannas (I like the letter n)!!! Get him off my face!!! More are coming in the windows!!! Joat Demigod of Insanity Immortal of Shadows Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Gyrfalcon looks over to see monkeys crawling all over joat and Snypiuer. Faint screams come out of the pile of monkeys. Sighing, Gyrfalcon cast Armor of Light on thw two unfortuanate mages and then sent several fireballs into the pile of monkeys, blasting them away from the two mages. But more monkeys kept swarming in. Donny (#1631) wrote; Which is when Donny comes in and clears the whole damn stack of monkeys without any trouble. Devils are useful Donny Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! DEVIL MONKEYS!!!!!!!! MONKEY DEVILS!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!-----------> <---------!!!!!!HHHHHHHHGRA ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!------ Crazypsyco (#460) wrote; someone got devils monkey problem? Here's my card: Crazy Psycho Lord of Insanity and exterminator of Devils Monkeys. This is a job for me... DAMN! Forgot my extermination kit WERE ALL GOING TO DIE NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Gyrfalcon suddenly remembered a spell he had seen once long ago, to deal with a plague of dancing carrots. Summoning his mana swiftly, Gyrfalcon summoned the Killer Rabbit. (Montey Python and the Holy Grail) It flew with a single bound into the pile of Monkey Devils and Devil Monkeys, and blood and pieces of the monkey horrors started flying... joat116 (#7124) wrote; Dang it man I called dibs on Cameron's rabbit when he left. Go back and check. Now give me my tower guardian rabbit back. Harumph Joat Demigod of Insanity Immortal of Shadows Rydia (#1951) wrote; Rydia appeared in the midst of the melee, trying to wrench a--paddle?--free from the grip of a devil monkey. "I need this back, darnit! How am I supposed to steer the ark without a rudder! Holy magic has no sense of direction; leave it alone and it just randomly attacks black mages!" Minta sneaked up behind the monkey and felled it with a blow from another paddle. Together, they thrashed about, bashing monkeys, whelks, and REs left and right. Rosemary began chanting one of her darker rituals, but cut it short and flung herself obsequiously at the paws of the Killer Attack Rabbit. Crazypsyco (#460) wrote; I know! I'm gonna used the good mmonkey summon spell. Crazy Psycho start casting and good monkeys appeared and attack the devils monkeys but suddenly a black priest arrive and convert good monkeys into Devils Monkeys. Damn priest! Nim (#5882) wrote; Holy Hand Grenade, anyone? Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Gyrfalcon, taking a cue from Nim, suddenly pulled a pair of Holy Hand Grenades from his pockets. Gyrfalcon heaved one into the pile of devil monkeys, taking the time to cast Shroud of Darkness on Rosemary so the blast wouldn't effect her, and tossing the other one at the feet of the dark priest, taking the time to cast Sunray on him to increase the effects. With a massive double blast of holy energy and good 'ole explosive power, the pile of devil monkeys was blown to bits. However, the dark priest somehow survived the blast, and waving his hands, summoned an ever increasing swarm of devil monkeys. Soon, Gyrfalcon, Joat (who was still muttering over Gyrfalcon having summoned the Killer Attack Rabbit), Crazypsycho, Snypiuer (who was running back and forth in place ( ->AAHH!! !!HHAA<- ->AAHH!!)), Rydia, Rosemary and Minta, and the Killer Attack Rabbit were back to back in a circle surrounded by a ever increasing sea of devil monkeys. "This doesn't look good." Gyrfalcon said quietly. Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; --------aaarrGGHHHhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!-------------> <---------!!!!!!!!hhhhhHHHHHGGgggraaaa--------- --------aaaarrggGGHHHHHHhhhhh!!!!!!---------> Snypiuer suddenly stops. Turns towards no one (computer screen) and says, "I blame it on Rydia for 'spanking' the monkey's with her paddle." Snypiuer then continues to run helter skelter and screaming at the top of his lungs. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Agrias (#5909) wrote; Hoping to gain good realations with other mages, Agrias sends her valued priestess to deal with the devil monkey situation. The priestess stepped forward, gleaming with confidence of her magical powers, to await for a word from her mistress. "Go!" Agrias commanded, and the priestess gathered up some troops and supplies and charged off towards the devil monkeys. Agrias sits back at a distance and stares in astonishment at how amazing the priestess' powers -- suck over the hoard of devil monkeys... Within moments, the monkey devils and the devil monkeys mutilated the priestess, throwing her body parts off in the distance. Agrias even finds her priestess' magical cane flying towards her, randomly knocking out one of her guards, and as the priestess dies in agony off in the distance the crytal ball at the end of the cane shatters and two very large bags of geld magically appear along with a cloud of smoke. "So that's where she keeps her money!" Agrias says under her breath. Agrias picks up the two bags and prepares to leave only to find that she is surrounded by the hoard of monkey devils and devil monkeys. With two very large bags of geld in her hands and nothing but dead bodies and devil monkeys around her, she mutters quietly, "Life is short..." Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; Snypiuer stops yet again. Removing priestess bits from his person and wondering at the voracious apetite of that rabbit, he remembers something about devils and oil flasks mentioned by one sexmage (overheard in a "gentlemans video" arcade - but that's another story). Snypiuer grabs several flasks of oil and pours them on the devil monkeys, monkey devils and basically everything in site. Snypiuer realizes that now he has nothing more then a bunch of greased up monkeys and mages. Sexmage meanwhile stands in a corner going, "Oh yeah!" Snypiuer then does the sensible thing and resumes running back and forth while screaming at the top of his lungs. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *************************************************************************** ~~~AT THIS POINT, SEVERAL THINGS HAPPEN -- ALMOST SIMULTANIOUSLY~~~ --------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- *************************************************************************** Crazypsyco (#460) wrote; Then Crazy Psycho use a scroll of protection from fire on each mages of the room and caste Inferno, all monkeys die but the dark priest is still alive and continue casting devils monkeys Man he must e a god! Shurak (#1402) wrote; *Having returned from a long holiday, Shurak strides into the Banquet Hall to be greeted by the sight of greased demonic monkeys swarming through the entire structure.* A thought crossed his mind... "Well, at least some things never change." *He begins to utter arcane phrases in an attempt to start a conflagration, only to have an apprentice hand him a match.* "Thank ye, lad." *He whistles loudly to gain the attention of the room, to be met by thousands of sets of eyes... mage and monkey alike.* "I hope ye're all insured..." *Somewhere inside, someone mutters, "Nuts..."* Kasel (#5732) wrote; His favourite smell, the favourite smell of all Reds, the pungent smell of many things doused in oil, wafted out of the banquet hall and into the shadows, were newly reincarnated eradication mage Kasel was wont to lurk. Sniffing his nose to fill it with the heady smell of oil, and twitching occasionally, Kasel moved carefully out of the shadows, followed closely by his faithful Red Dragon, Gunter. Turning excitedly to Gunter he frothed "This is it! It smells like it's time to make our debut to the banquet hall!" Wiping the foam from his lips, straightening the tattered blue robe that served as his royal mantle, he capered off in a winding, haphazard course away from the front doors. Suddenly remembering his intent, he promptly turned around, and started a winding haphazard course towards the front doors, quite pleased with how things had begun. Gunter, quite capable of speech, merely shook his massive red head and snorted, incidently scorching a small family of tree squirrels. Gunter quite had his hands full keeping the twitching mage on his feet as he finally scrabbled towards the banquet hall, leaping, skipping, and tripping, in order to avoid the traps of his "invisible enemies". Eventually reaching the door, Kasel sticks his head in just in time to hear some unfortunate entity mutter, "Nuts..." Sighing, Kasel turns and says solemnly to Gunter, "Maybe we should come back another time." Then quickly darts behind the scale-encrusted bulk of his friend. Perplexed Gunter crouches down to look into the doorway, moaning softly when he hears Kasel's voice float from behind him, "I swear, I didn't do it, but gee...this'll be fun!" Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Gyrfalcon pulled out a Scroll of Protection from Fire and used it on himself and the people around them, keeping the flaming devil monkeys at bay. Suddenly, Gyrfalcon noticed the dragon poking his head in and Gyrfalcon shouted to him "If you breath fire on those devil monkeys, I'll give you 20,000,000 geld!" The dragon, greed in his eyes, flamed the devil monkeys more, causing many of them to die and the rest to be severly charred. True to Gyrfalcon's word, 20,000,000 in geld rained down behind the dragon, having the unfortuante effect of burying Kasel in a large pile of gold. The devil monkeys regrouped, only to be faced by one now very angry Killer Attack Rabbit, who again launched itself into the devil monkeys' midst. Blood and charred devil monkey pieces began to rain down on the area around the pile of monkeys. ******************************************************************************** ****** Blak Kat (#6732) wrote; Now we just have a bunch of flaming devil monkeys on our hands. They also look really angry.... Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; AARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANGRY, FLAMING, CHARREDEDED DEVIL MONKEYS AND MONKEY DEVILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHH. . . .OOOPHH!!!! Tripping over (and knocking sensless) a rather large and full attack rabbit, Snypiuer realizes that he may have just stepped on and eliminated everyones one hope at salvation. The gutteral sound of demented monkeys increases. At least Snypiuer hopes it is the monkeys as he prepares to resume his hysterics. . . . . . . Slugge (#2017) wrote; Well, just a bit off topic, but isn't RE:Infinity:A..... like Infinity+1? Anyway, this whole monkey debacle will teach me to use my monkey to distract Snypiuer while I try to pick his pockets. Ok, now let's finish this. If any of you wasted your time readin' my story about The Conclave, you'll understand the true power. *Reaching deep withing himself and his pocket, Slugge finds a hardly used, only partially open, Can O Mimes. Unleashing its unearthly powers, a legion of deadly street mimes are transported into the area, led by none other than Speak No Evil.* *The mimes waste no time in trapping the monkeys in invisible boxes and tying them up with that rope they always seem to be pulling on. However, the casualties are high, as many mimes are trapped withing the boxes with the Devil Monkeys. A grim fate indeed* Well, let's take inventory of what is lying around. If I missed anything, by all means, add it. Here it goes: 1- Red Dragon with a check for lotsa geld 1- Speak No Evil Several- Mimes Lots- Charrred Devil Monkey corpses 2- Exploded Holy Hand Grenade Fragments Many- Empty Oil Flasks 1- Killer Attack Rabbit 1- Bystander who said "Nuts. . ." 1- Hysterical Snypiuer 1- Dead Priestess 1- Agrias's body found underneath many monkeys, clutching sacks of geld. Have yet to determine whether she is still alive. 1- Dark Priest (Where'd he go. . . where'd he come from?) Several- Of Rydia's paddles, but she'll probably want them back 1- Paddle for the ark. She'll definitely want that back. Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Thats about it, unless you mean to add: Several- somewhat sooty mages (all those flaming devil monkeys) many,many- RE:s Gyrfalcon the half-elf battlemage Immortal of Fire (a whole new meaning to this title. > ) Berserker of the West Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; Realizing that the danger has been defeated before he can resume his hysterics, Snypiuer calmly and quietly stands, grabs the still sensless rabbit (remembering something about HasenPhepher or some such) and stealthfully begins to leave before ANYONE can remember who began this debacle. Before leaving, Snypiuer picks up what appears to be a gem but is only a peice of shattered cystal. He non-chalantly throws it over his shoulder as he begins to leave. It sails high and lands in front of a devil monkey. The devil monkey looks up realizing there is NO TOP to the invisible boxes! An evil grin appears upon the devil monkey's face. All are oblivious as he informs the rest of the monkeys. As he walks toward the exit, Snypiuer waves at a dark priest who seems to be about to cast a spell. Snypiuer thinks to himself, "Where have I seen him before? Doesn't matter, this rabbit will be perfect for dinner." Muffled screams of terror can be heard for miles. . . . . . . Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; As the rabbit wakes up in a *very* angry mood. The only reason Snypiuer isn't torn to bits are his protection spells, but the rabbit can still chew on him quite a bit. The devil monkeys started climbing the walls of their invisible cells, only to run into a barrier... standing at the top of each cell is a hungry Mind Ripper. Horrible screams came from the devil monkeys as there brains are ripped out of their skulls and eaten. Then horrible sreams arrise from the Mind Rippers, because Devil Monkey Brains does not cause increased psychic power, it *cuts* your spychic power down to nil. The Mind Rippers charge the door, trying to escape and find some Monkey Brains, incidentially trampling a dark priest. Crazypsyco (#460) wrote; The dark priest finally finish casting his spell ands disapeared with a note on the floor, Crazy Psycho got take the note and read it: enjoy your victory will you can cause I'll be back for sure and with greater minions. Blak Kat (#6732) wrote; Blak Kat previously unoticed sneaks up behind the dragons pile of gold. He quickly incants a spell. Just as he is about to teleport away he jumps into the dragon's pile of gold and all that touches him goes with him. Kasel (#5732) wrote; Standing up angrily, mouth open to berate his dragon for taking bribes, Kasel is completely buried under the stream of geld as it falls on top of him. Sputtering about the taste of geld and thrashing about wildly, Kasel wins free just in time to catch Black Kat's boots in the face. Forced to retaliate, Kasel retreats into his mind for a counterspell . Inside the gibbering and raving voices inside his head Kasel sits inside a small pool, the only place, of quiet. "I need a spell!" The voices confer, and Kasel lets down his will to allow them control. As the multitude flows over and through him, Kasel opens their eyes. Kasel is slightly disappointed to see that the voices have let him cast Dispel. Reappearing in midair, Kasel gets to land on top of the pile of geld, and a fairly surprised Black Kat. Unfortunately in the grip of the voices, Kasel is forced to conclude that the best course of action would be to cling to Black Kat's head, and try to gnaw off his hair. Sighing dramatically, Kasel gets to work. The bystander previously responsible for nuts glances at the Mimes, the monkeys, the invisible boxes, the mage gnawing on another mage's hair, and feels the need to reiterate his original statement. Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; AAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Snypiuer plows through the newly released horde of devil monkeys and monkey devils, wildly clawing at what appears to be a giant furball attached to his face. Slugge gently rocks himself in a corner as he sobs quietly, "It was only one monkey, just one." Minta Rose (#3444) wrote; Minta returned from the shoreline as night fell. She opened the Banquet Hall and was promptly bowled over by 47,340 gold coins, seven devil monkeys, and one of the Attack Rabbit's knee-high bunny bits. Seizing her circlet from a passing devil monkey in style worthy of a third-rate ninja flick, she rolled and regained her footing, only to be knocked over by *another* tide of devil monkeys. From her supine position, she looked into the Banquet Hall and saw mages with their faces swathed in hair: Kasel chewing Blak Kat's mane, Snypiuer exhaling a furball, some unfortunate who drank from a Coconut Oil Flask (SPF -30%) growing coconut fuzz on his tongue, and Gyrfalcon looking rather confused as the Attack Rabbit shed angrily upon him. Then Minta turned and watched the devil monkeys crowd around Rosemary and her amulet. In her bright yellow dress, she looked like sunshine, the devil monkeys following her like sunflowers. She seized the arm of a monkey whose head had not been drained and began preaching at it. "That is not as you will be! Where is who is as you will be, you are?" In utter confusion the devil monkey stopped capering. Between them and Minta, the gold that teleported out when Blak Kat touched it fell to earth in a gentle shower. For some reason, the teleportation spell faded slower for some coins than for others, resulting in a brisk gold front moving towards Blak Kat's realm. "You are, you are, and are not as will be is," Rosemary said, holding her shawl over her head as gold coins tumbled, "yet was. Four. Four is not as you were," and all the devil monkeys held still in the grip of confusion, "and you are here for those who said it is as they will be." Monkey after monkey, wounded by repeated blows from falling gold coins, sank to the ground. Minta found one of the paddles jammed in the lock of the Banquet Hall door, distastefully broke a Flask of Holy Water above the blade, and began knocking the stationary targets unconscious. Hundreds of monkeys and Slugge slumped over with large bumps upon their noggins. Slugge (#2017) wrote; Geez, lose us'ge of yer eh key 'nd everyone picks on you. 'nyw'y, here goes: *St'nds up 'nd groggily sh'kes he'd. Looking 'round 't the devist'tion th't the monkey devils (or devil monkeys) m'n'ged to c'use, Slugge mutters under his bre'th.* "Seems like them furb'lls 'ren't gonn' stop 'nytime soon, so. . . " *Slugge puts on 'n old h'lloween costume, disguising himself 's ' monkey. He runs 'round, trying to collect the gold coins 's well 's prod the monkeys on to wre'k further h'voc* "H'IL TO THE CHIMP!!" Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Gyrfalcon, in a fit of rage, pitched the Killer Attack Rabbit at the nearest devil monkey, which seemed to be unusually large. It also seemed to be able to talk, as it ran around screaming "Every one is picking on the only person to lose his eh key!" Gyrfalcon shrugged to himself before grabing another oar and beating the crap out of several monkeys, including one that keep on saying "Stop hitting me! I just lost the use of my eh key!" Only when Slugge's hood came off, however, did Gyrfalcon stop hitting him. Gyrfalcon, in his embaressment, did the only thing he could think of- he went off to get Slugge an 'Ole Pecuilar to make him feel better. Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; Snypiuer realizes that the attack rabbit is no longer attacking him. He stops. He takes in the situation. He quickly determines that, while running around and screaming has worked VERY well for him, it did NOTHING to actually eleviate the problem at hand. He shudders to find that Slugge has embraced the lunacy. A quick calculation of all that has happened leaves Snypiuer with but ONE option! Snypiuer produces a Contract which will give the devil monkeys and monkey devils their own television network to air movies of their own making - IF they cease and desist! The monkeys AGREE (the lure of Hollywood touches ALL)! Snypiuer begins to sweat, hoping beyond hope that NO ONE finds out about, or even worse - points out, the small print hidden in the contract before the monkeys sign! Snypiuer prays that the Dark Priest doesn't reappear! If the monkeys were to find out what was hidden in the small print (in fact, if ANYONE were to find out!), the very foundations of Terra itself would tremble with the onslaught that would come! Sweat glistens upon Snypiuer's brow as the lead monkey prepares to sign. . . . . . . . . Shurak (#1402) wrote; *Shurak stumbles from hiding behind the bar, after having overturned a cask of particularly strong spirits and downing it throughout the melee. Drunken, he bellows* "Snypieur?! What the heelll are doze minkeys doin?!" *All eyes turn to the drunken dwarf, and with no need for urging, Gyrfalcon hurriedly clamps a hand over Shurak's mouth, and bodily carries him outside before he can ruin everything* OOC - Hey, everybody needs a cameo every now and again Shurak Whitefist, the dwarven illusionist Immortal of Justice Tie-er of One On LLyL (#2038) wrote; > > > > > >*An eyeless horror with raven hair runs shrieking past the mayhem outside(and inside) the banquet hall. His cloak, which does not move despite the speed with which the demigod runs, gives away the creature's identity as LLyL, demigod of the outer planes... oh what horrible thing could possibly scare the Immortal of Fear?* > > > > > >"C-C-C-C-Car... C-C-Carrots!!!! D-D-Dancing C-Carrots!!!!!" LLyL screams as he streaks down the lane and out of sight. > > > > > >Several moments pass...then a low trembling from afar quickly becomes a great vibration, disrupting the lead monkey from signing the contract. The vibrations worsen and a great droning noise becomes louder...whatever it is grows very close now. > > > > > >"Ay, 'tis my luck to be *burp* here for their return" Shurak mutters as he readies his illusions..and his massive battle axe (well, massive for a dwarf that is) > > > > > >The droning grows louder, as if the source of the noise is within the great city. The sound is like a great hailstorm, but one with large chunks of hail--thousands of pitterings and patterings striking in steady rhythm. A young boy with lumps on his head, dressed as a monkey, looks up and screams "CARROTS!!!" then immediately passes out. > > > > > >Looking down the lane from the gathering outside the hall, the patrons bear witness to the massive waves of orange death that is the infamous carrot legions of the far far east. So far east is their homeland that it's actually quicker to get there going west! > > > > > > The massive carrot army stops a mere 50 paces from the banquet hall terrace. The deading silence that ensues lasts immeasurable minutes... > > > > > > Suddenly, the carrot legions break out into their only form of attack, the most savage and hideous thing anyone has ever seen: THEY BEGIN TO DANCE!! > > > > > > "THE DANCING CARROTS HAVE RETURNED!!!" LLyL screams from the roof as he hurls black flame-balls at the carrotenous masses... OOC. ok, next person's turn LLyL, Immortal of Fear, Demigod of the outer planes Minta Rose (#3444) wrote; Rosemary thought back to her last audio-tape from the Terran Library, a selection from the child's rack. For once, they may have given her a useful one, instead of such monstrosities as "Mana Micromanagement: How to Run Twenty Dragons on Two Thousand Acres for Two Turns" or "The Little Multi that Could". She sneaks up behind the Attack Rabbit, stuns it with a blow from a paddle, drains its blood, gives it a sip of her own, and stands back. Big Bad Bunnicula awakens, and he awakens hungry. So many juicy carrots. . .so little time. . . Blak Kat (#6732) wrote; Blak Kat strides in through the back door of the hall. His hair is singed off his head. " that dragon wasn't happy when I stole his gold" He look around and realizes the monkey crisis is almost over, but the carrots is another story. The attack bunny is ripping through them gorging madly, when, all of a sudden, he becomes full and falls over with a bellyache. The carrots quickly regroup. "this doesn't look to good." Kat quickly calls upon his magical kitchen knives of carrot cutting and murmmers a spell to send them on a carrot killing spree. Unfortunately, he got the words befuddled and the knives shoot in all directions, hungry for something other than carrots. People! "oh dear! oh dear! Now how do I turn these things off again?" joat116 (#7124) wrote; Joat stood aghast at the scene before him. Dancing carrots held dear friends in their hypnotic thrall and devil monkey's rended newbie mages to pieces. It was Insanity incarnate, of course that was no problem for the Demigod of Insanity but still if everyone died who would he be insane at? Thinking for a moment of the most Insane thing he could Joat teleported to his castle. Grabbing a yellow horn and a scepter of bacon he teleported back to the scene and began his work. First he took the horn and blew a deafening blast on it. Then he ran into a nearby stable and waited for the beggining of the messiest food fight in Terra. Approximately 5 minutes later the city once again began to tremble. From the north approached a giant army of bannnnnnannnnnnnas. Their yellow banners flew proudly above them as they marched into the city. Immediately the carrots stopped their hypnotic dancing and fell upon the bannnnannnnnnnnnnnas. Chaos erupted as tiny swords, spears, and shiels clanged against each other. The battle was going well until suddenly the devil monkey's errupted from the hall. Quickly grabbing bannnnnannnnnnnnas and stuffing them into their mouths they turned the tide of battle. From the security of his stable Joat saw the carnage. Grabbing the bacon scepter he began to call forth all his energy and concentration... Snypiuer's tale Snypiuer stopped screaming for a moment as he heard a rumbling coming from a nearby stable. Curious he watched as the building began to visibly shake. Then suddenly the doors burst open and Joat rode out of the stable on the back of a pig. Wearing a can of spam on his head and a plaid cape Joat was leading an army of pigs against the monkey's. The pig's fell upon the monkeys with a viciousness that only pigs have and the monkeys began to retreat along with the remaining carrots. Joat sensing their weakness order his armies to attack. Just as the first pig riding bannanna got within fighting range it with all the rest vanished. Joat's mana had run out and the enemy remained. They were weaker but still a monstorous sight... Joat Demigod of Insanity Immortal of Shadows Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; Realizing that NO ONE had actually read the small print on the Contract before all hell once again broke loose, Snypiuer quickly grabs it and hides it before anyone becomes curious. Although the monkeys never signed it, the most important thing was that no one read it! Still, Shurak suspects! Snypiuer thinks to himself, "Hopefully, in his inebreated state, Shurak will forget!" Snypiuer falls back upon his earlier plan of hysterics. Until, a rumbling noise catches his attention. . . . . Gyrfalcon (#1072) wrote; Which turned to belong to ANOTHER army that was approching. This one was headed by Gyrfalcon and a drunken Shurak, leading a large army of rabbits to fall on the carrots rear in a stunning assault. In the middle of the battle was Shurak and Gyrfalcon, who were under attack from waves of carrots and some of the remaining devil monkeys. Shurak was laying about him with his battleaxe, while Gyrfalcon had found a long sword somewhere and was using it to chop up a few carrots while waiting for the next devil monkey to work up the courage to come at him. Around him and Shurak was a pile of devil monkey corpses and many, many chopped carrots. However, things were looking grim when... Slugge (#2017) wrote; WAIT!!! *Brandishing his A key, Slugge rises up out of unconsiousness, wondering who it was that hit him with that paddle. Shaking it off, he storms up to Snypiuer* Now that I have my key back, I can resume acting as legal advisor for these devil monkeys, or monkey devils. Now, let's see this contract. Hurry up with it, the dancing carrots and rabbits are a bit too close for my comfort. just let me put on my glasses and read this fine print, and then we'll sign. . . *To give himself time to read the fine print of the monkey's TV contract, Slugge opens another Can O' Mimes, again summoning forth these deadly street performers, as always led by Speak No Evil. Withought hesitation, they leap into the fray* Shurak (#1402) wrote; As Shurak and Gyrfalcon continue to hew through what seems to be a stew of assorted bizarre characters, the dwarf spies Slugge loosing his killer mimes upon the populace. Before he can do anything, however, some mage's kitchen knives begin to shred newbie mages with considerable speed. Torn between saving newbies or wreaking death upon the mimish hordes, Shurak shrugs and begins to split the white-faced monstrosities as best he can. "Alright! Ye sorry lot are gunna get it now! I've been saving these dead Dwarven Elite for a special occasion!" Wicked black energy sparks and crackles from around Shurak, as his spell lances out and into a train of wagons that lined the street. Dozens of half drunken, carnivorous dwarves appear from seemingly out of nowhere, each wielding wicked axes and feral grins. "Mimes, meet the Inebriated Dwarves Intolerant Of Talentless Street-perfomers! Oh, and they're already dead, too!" His beard blowing in the breeze as he laughed, Shurak's IDIOTS began to shred mime-flesh with gusto, chopping any mime that moved, and eating those that didn't.... Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; Slipping Slugge a PHONY contract (Snypiuer is prepared!), Snypiuer begins to move away from Slugge as he searches for his glasses. Turning to run, Snypiuer is caught between the IDIOTS, mimes, carrots, bannnnaannnnaas, pigs, devil monkeys, monkey devils and bunnicula. Not to mention several mages who seem to be upset. . . Snypiuer points off behind the mages, says, "Look!" and runs in the other direction as EVERYONE turns in horror to see what else could be coming. . . . . . Blak Kat (#6732) wrote; Could it be? Yes it is Blak Kat's army of furious Zombie Hellions. Undead mages with the enchanted rune swords that have the power to blast the life from the living and dispell the kitchen knife enchantment. Unfortunately just as the get into the fray the swords turn into signs that they raise over their heads. NO MONEY NO WORK they read. Calls of, "We want more than a losy .02 mp" can be heard. Blak Kat looks a tad embarrassed "I really should start paying the chaps. He sits down to start a zombie union negotiation when all of a sudden like... Slugge (#2017) wrote; THIS BIRD'S GONNA FLY!!! *Slugge, still wearing his monkey suit but not the mask, leads the remaing mimes (several still have dwarves knawing at their ankles) and devil monkeys out, letting the remaining armies wreak devistation for the moment. But they will be back* Oh, and Snypiuer, my monkeys demand a REAL contract! Snypiuer (#7089) wrote; Message #18637 A. . . . . . . . 00-01-02 08:47:46 Snypiuer wrote ARGHHHH!!!!! A MONKEY!!!!! There followed 17 post to the title (from what I counted that were not erased) by myself and: Joat116 Slugge Gyrfalcon Donny Crazypsyco Rydia Agrias 2 side titles were: A. . .Maybe I can be of service - 1 Gotta have the Monks - 3 RExInfinity A. . . . . had 5 post, started by Shurak with: Kasel Blak Kat Gyrfalcon Snypiuer That Whole Monkey Thing - 10 Post: Slugge (started) Gyrfalcon Snypiuer Crazypsyco Blak Kat Kasel Minta Rose 1 Side post: A proposition -1 Slugge RE:x11 That Whole Monkey Thing - 2 post: Gryfalcon (started) Snypiuer Monkeys Monkeys Everywhere - 7 post: Shurak (started) LLyL Minta Rose Blak Kat Joat116 Snypiuer Gyrfalcon XLots Monkeys Monkeys Everywhere - 2: Sluuge (both) The Monkey/Carrot/Banana/Mime/Pig/Vamp Bunny War - 4 post: Shurak (started) Snypiuer Blak Kat Slugge 57 Post that are still up, by at least 14 mages. Should we be ashamed of ourselves? Or should we be proud? Who knows? BUT, with Slugge taking the monkeys away and what seems to be a reservation for the banquet hall, it seems that it has finally come to an end. I will miss it. Thanks to everyone who contributed and enjoyed this debacle! Snypiuer. P.S. "What's that over there?" ------------------ Snypiuer Bard of Terra Demi-God of Suicide Squirrel Squadrons

It's the driving force that gives you the ability to climb the 12 foot back wall, sneak into her house and go through all her stuff - despite the restraining order and the fact she has never even met you? No. Wait. That's stalking. How about: That feeling you get as you shovel that last bit of dirt on the shallow grave, that makes you think, "Man, I'm going to miss her cooking."? O.K., so I have no clue, blame my lack of sensitivity. Some may say that my insensitivity is why I'm not married. I still claim it's because I can't afford to own a wife.

If only I had the strength. To tell you how you make me feel inside. With but a word, I'd move mountains. And turn back the highest tide. If only I had the courage. To take you in my arms. I could tread the darkest depths of Hell. With out the slightest fear of harm. If only I had the power. To show you, How much I really care. I'd show you Paradise. And how Angels fill the air. If only I weren't so weak. These things and more, I'd do. In hope that may be. Just may be. You'd understand. How much I love you.

Once in a while. I can see him. Out of the corner of my eye. At the very edge of my vision. I can usually catch a quick glimpse, If I look over my shoulder, Just so. Or if I turn around, Real fast. That little boy. The child I once was. A kinetic ball, Of arms and legs, Tousled hair, scraped knees And untied tennis shoes. An unbound bundle of energy. Running and jumping, With reckless abandon. Fearless. Secure in the knowledge, That he is, in deed, immortal. At times. I can hear him. In the background. Just below the every day noise. At a pitch, Slightly off, From the hum of average day to day life. A giggle. A laugh. A squeal of delight, When a new discovery is made. I wish. That, for a moment. Just a little while. That I could hold him close. Take him in my arms, And hug him tight. Whisper in his ear. "Never grow up. Stay young forever. Revel in your youth, And the triumph of each new experience." But I can not. Worse yet. As day after day, Goes by. I see him less. It's harder. And harder, To hear him. No matter how hard I try. I fear the day will come. When I will see him no more. His voice, Forever lost to me. And I wonder. If that sad day comes. What will become of him? The child, Of my yesteryears. Will he go on, Forever playing, Exploring, Oblivious to my departure? Or will he look around, Bewildered and confused, As to why he is now alone, His partner in hide and seek, Now gone? Will he cower in fear, Or cry aloud in my abandonment of him? I can never know. I can only hope. That that day never comes. And pray. With all my heart. All my soul. And every fibre of my being. That if that day ever does arrive. That I feel a tugging at my shirt tail. And I look down, To find him. Wide eyed and smiling. Grasping my hand with both of his, Pulling me along after him. And saying, With just the right amount of childish impatience. "Come on! Let's play!"

I remember when you left. How you turned and walked away. I never will forget. Because that's when I learned, That I never knew, I could miss some thing As much, as what you took from me that day. Since you've gone, I go through life, As if in a haze. I'm lost. I'm confused. It's as if, I can no longer, Tell my nights from my days. I find myself, Alone. In The dark, Staring, blankly, at the wall. Or, atop my bed, Curled up in a ball. Waiting. Hoping, to hear your footsteps, In the hall. I need you to return. And bring that which I miss so much, Back to me. With out it, I'm hollow inside. My life, Empty. I go over and over, In my head. The words that I might say. That would make you come back. And return what you took from me that day. Every time I think I'm over it. That I can finally go on. I feel my lose anew. My life, once again, falls apart. All progress stops. So, I write this one last plea. In hope that you will return. Give back, that which you took from me. And know, That no matter what you choose to do. You have 'till tomorrow, To return my T.V. Or I'm calling the cops.

We have all done stupid things. Some of us have done REALLY stupid things, a LOT more often then others. This is dedicated to the most stupid of those things. The ones that actually count as reasons one should not procreate. I urge others to put there own stories here. Since I brought it up, I'll put in the first one. Snypiuer has many stories of stupid things he has done. We could go in order of magnitude, but we choose to go in order of occurance. I will add a new story as often as possible. Though I have been told that I have done many a stupid thing before the time I can remember, I will give you the first that I can. Our story begins at the end. There stood Snypiuer, dripping wet, naked, atop a toilet tank, in the dark. To get to this point, we go back only a mere 10 minutes or so. Snypiuer's older brother had told him that when he (Snypiuer) took his bath that night, he (Snypiuer's older brother) would take his (Snypiuer's) two quarters. The fact that 2 quarters was worth enough to cause what happens next, should give an idea as to how old Snypiuer is. Snypiuer, being much smarter then his older brother, takes his quarters into the bath with him, but fears them going down the drain and also fears that his older brother will, some how, enter the bathroom - undetected - and steal said quarters, while the shower curtain is closed, so as the water does not spill out onto the floor. These concerns haunting him, Snypiuer attempts to hide his preciouse quarters. This brings us to moments before where we began this story. After dismissing many hiding places, including the tube of the toilet paper roll and under the toilet tank cover, Snypiuer spies the perfect hiding place. Snypiuer stands, butt naked, dripping wet, with two quarters clutched tightly in his little hand and all of 5 years old. Staring at a place where his 2 quarters would fit perfectly. Climbing on top of the toilet and then atop the tank, Snypiuer stretches his wet little hand and places his treasure in the empty socket of a 2 bulb light fixture. Noticing that the quarters can still be seen, he then proceeds to push them further in. How Snypiuer escaped death is still unknown to this day. And, beyond the humiliation of having his mother enter the bathroom to find him naked and dripping wet atop the toilet tank, his quarters were lost to the the electrical fixture melting around it. Well, that is the first stupid thing Snypiuer remembers doing. I will continue when I can. You're going to enjoy the incident that brought about the week long beating. If anyone wishes to add their own story, feel free! 'Till then.

This is the voice that God gave me. "That's funny." You might think. For an athiest to say. But, in my futile attempt. To find some thing. Greater then me. It's all I can find. That might make me believe. For in my head. My voice is strong. Powerful. A voice that leads. My words precise. Melodious. With a crystal ring. But when I speak. I stu...stu...stutter. And...........................hesitate. At the most inopportune times. When written My words mispelled. I'm lucky if they some times rhyme. So I must apologize. For what you hear. And read. For you will never hear my true voice. Or be awed by its majesty. I am saddened. For you. For all I can offer. Is the voice that God gave me.

This has been going around in my head for a while now. It's to the point that I can no longer tell if it is mine, or if I read it some where - or perhaps some thing similar. In the end, I just don't know. If it is another's work that I falsely believe is my own - I apologize. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Old Bridge I'm going down to the old bridge today. Where we used to sit and dangle our legs. As we tossed stones. Into the water far below. I'm going down to the old bridge today. Where we used to sit and share our dreams. All the things we would do. All the places we would go. But it seems so lonely. Without you by my side. And if just one dream came true. I wish it to be, we'd never say goodbye. I went down to the old bridge today. To find it broken down and rusted. From the time that's past it's way. The water gone. The river, long gone dry. And after all these years. That old bridge doesn't seem so high. I went down to the old bridge today. To leave my dreams. Among stones. Tossed long ago. And to say goodbye.

One of my favorites: A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of tequila and a beer." The bartender looks at the ham and cheese sandwich and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here." Hello, anyone still there?

An individual walks over and introduces himself, " I am Snypiuer and would like to welcome you here." He is about 6 feet tall and dressed in (what seems to be the dominate color here) black leathers, a cape and a floppy wide brim hat. He wears an eye patch over his left eye that has a design that reminds one of cross hairs on a scope. He kind of unnerves you because he seems to be looking at you with his left eye and his cloak which appears to be darker then any thing you have ever seen and actually absorbes light from around him, seems to be moving of it's own free will. "I happened to over hear that you often forget your thoughts. I find that, usually, forgetting ones thoughts comes from being easily distracted. A sure fire cure for that is...hey, what's that over there?" Snypiuer then wanders away. Hope to see some of your writing. This place is full of great writers and nice helpful people. They even let talentless hacks such as myself post, WITHOUT telling them their talentless! They help and give advise! GOTTA love that. Have fun and join in! Oh yeah...welcome!

I can feel it. Coursing through my veins. Pounding. Pounding. Throbbing in my temples. It burns. Like an electrical fire. Consuming every fibre of my being. A humming rings in my ears. As it sings through my body. If only they knew. Perhaps they do. But if they did, they would know they can't hold me. I can feel the wards woven into the fabric that binds my arms about me. I can smell the glyphs imbedded in the padding of the room. I can see the invisible sigils etched into the glass they watch me through. And I know. I KNOW. With but a thought, I can pass them all. Because of this, I allow them their indiscretions. I allow them to believe their spells of lighting affect me. And their poisons incapacitate me. I allow it. For I am a God. And they know not what they do. They fear me. And their fear is eased. When I allow them their indiscretions. They are mortal. They can not feel the power. I can. The power is within me. The power is me. So I allow them to keep me here. With my arms wrapped about me. Bound to this pallet. Within this room of pads. As they watch me through their glass. They feel safe. They feel secure. Becuase they can not feel the power. I allow them. For I CAN feel the power. I allow them. Becuase I am a God. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm just sitting here watching Buffy, when a question comes to my mind. It is deep and concerns Man's place in the Universe. That's when the cat walks in and throws me a finger. Now, a cat throwing me a finger, should give me cause for concern. This I freely admit. And the fact that the cat is blind, that should have thrown me for a loop. She can't see me, so how did she know where to point her paw? Yet, at that point in time, I was slightly more concerned that the string cheese I've been eating was bad. No, what gave me pause, was the fact that I don't own a cat. How did the cat get in? I didn't give it a key. Didn't invite it over. "Hey cat, wanna come in and throw me a finger?" Nope, that never happened. That's when I remembered - That's my room mates cat! I'm supposed to be feeding it! My room mate left 3 DAYS ago! No wonder the cat is P.O.ed! That solved, I went back to my question. Only thing is, I forgot it. So I came up with this one: Buffy or Willow? It's a play on the old Ginger or Mary Ann question. Now every red blooded American boy (and some girls), know the answer is Mary Ann. She totally blew Ginger out of the water when it came to adolecent longing. So I must ask: Buffy or Willow? Now many will say, "What about Cordellia or Anya? Or any of the other extremely good looking women to appear on 'Buffy'?" Some may even say, "Why not ask: Angel or Spike?" This would mostly be asked by militant feminists and others whose personal choices are their own and I am not one to judge. This all taken in stride, I still believe the question is: Buffy or Willow? I believe the answer should also be supported. So I will answer and defend first. Once every body willing to participate answer's I may come up with another one. And once again, this was inspired by Salinye and her 'Life Questions' and, of course, one very hungry, blind and P.O.ed cat. ALSO, it is the character, not the actress, that the question is about. My answer: Willow. Now Buffy is nice, good looking and has that whole tough girl that can kill you pretty darn quick - if need be, thing going for her. But, Willow has something about her. Something dark and seductive. It shows up more in the later episodes, but is first shown (in my opinion) in the episode where Cordelia wishes that Buffy had never moved to town. This causes the Master to take over and both Willow and Zander are vampires. I call her Evil Willow. I can't explain it, but Evil Willow is hot. The way she says, "Bored now." is just so evil in its simplicity. Her total acceptance of the darkness within her is intoxicating. Maybe the fact that I prefer Allyson Hannigan over Sarah Michelle Gellar prejudices my answer, but I still say that Willow is the one to chose - based on the fact that there is something dark and seductive beneath the innocence.

Man, I am out of touch. I new Warren was terminal, I just didn't know he had passed. The Werewolf of London definately deserves an Honorary. But, I still want Johnny to be the first. If it goes through at all. Thanks for the replies.

It was a frigid, bitter wind that scoured the desolate, barren plain on that empty, lonely winter night......approximately 6 months before and about 1200 or so miles north of the quaint little trailer home that a bright, crisp summer day shined down upon. It was on this day that Cledtus P. Pimpernel (no relation to one Scarlet, The) and his cousin Robert Bob Boosch (Bob IS his middle name) became the super heroes known as Red Rabbit and Partial Bob. **Little known fact: The P. in Cledtus P. Pimpernel does not stand for anything. It is a consequence of his mother's rather bizzare speech impediment, in which she had to pronounce the letter P before any word beginning with the letter P. -- My appoligies and condolences to any reader who may or may not share this impediment. Let it also be known that I am a yearly contributer to the "Society of P People with the P Propensity to P Pronounce the letter P P before Speaking words beginning with the letter P P, United for the P Prevention of P Pronouncing the letter P P before Speaking words beginning with the letter P P, Until Totally Rehabilitated." Also known as: SPPPPPPPPSPPUPPPPPPSPPUTR.** The trailer was the office (and only resident) of the "Shangri-La, Down Home, Tiki-Tiki Trailer and RV Park," which was left to Cledtus when he lost his mother. She's not dead, he just can't find her (In actuallity, she ran off with her teenage lover - who also happens to be her sisters son. Which is, in and of itself, disturbing. Just not as disturbing as the fact that he's also her brother's son. Some things are just better left un-talked about.) Within it, Cledtus was yelling at his T.V. He was attempting to watch that days Jerry Springer show. He was pretty sure his mother was on it (perhaps in an attempt to contact him, he believed), but the reception was completly shot. His cousin Bob was outside, using a chain saw to saw off a branch he believed was causing the reception problem. Now Bob with a power tool is NEVER a good idea, the fact that he was using (in this order from ground up) an old wooden milk crate, a rusted out 55 gallon barrel (still partially full of some unknown liquid that glows real pretty and taste funny) and a folding lawn chair as a means to reach said branch, FIRMLY places the situation within the realm of bad. Now, several things happened at once. First, Cledtus had become so enraged, that he had given up his yelling and banging on the T.V., in order to find some thing to throw at it. While outside, an old rotten milk crate disintegrates beneath a weight that any individual with a minimum I.Q. equal to that of a craeture with the brains reserved for the lowliest and simplest of all the creators creations - SHOULD KNOW BETTER THEN TO PLACE ON IT!!! Second, as Bob engages in his fatefull journey towards mother earth (chain saw, running full throttle, gripped tightly in hand), Cledtus has found an object to hurl at his impudent T.V. set. Third, Bob's left leg entangles in the lawn chair, straightens out before him (presenting a perfect target for previously mentioned chain saw) and Bob commences to saw through it a few inches above the ankle. Cledtus turns and begins his throw. Fourth, doing his best impersonation of Nolan Ryan (worthy of the brother from 'There's Something About Mary'), Cledtus hurls his found object full force at the T.V. While outside, Bob has not only figured out a way to also take his right leg off half way between the knee and hip, he manages to lop off his left arm at the elbow (he was reaching for his amputated right leg when the chain saw bounced up and through the arm). Finally, Cledtus lets out a scream as he realizes that he has just hurled his LAST beer at his ONLY T.V. set and he attempts to some how stop the whole horrible chain of events with some hastily prayed for mental abilities. Bob release the chain saw and reaches for his severed left arm with his last remaining attached limb. The chain saw trigger seems to be jammed and it is bouncing around near the severed arm - Bob is oblivious to this and continues to place his LAST remaining attached limb in harms way. It is at this moment that every thing........stops. Half way to the T.V., Cledtus' last beer stands suspended in mid-air and Bob's right arm has some how taken it upon itself to remove it self from harm's way. Strangely, Cledtus is unaffected. Dazedly, he walks over to the beer can and grabs it. Opening it and taking a swig, he notices his cousin Bob and the shape he's in. Running outside, Cledtus comes to the realization that every thing is still, as if it were frozen in time, except for him. Him and Bob's right arm - which is busily doing first aid on his three severed limbs. As Cledtus approaches Bob, Bob's right arm shoots up in the air and the hand turns towards him (imagine making a shadow puppet of a duck and that is how the hand was held), as if looking at him. The arm then picks up a stick and writes a listed of things it needs to patch up Bob in the dirt. Waving at Cledtus and pointing at the list, Bob's arm is able to get Cledtus to get the items. It then writes down instructions on how to fix Bob that Cledtus is able to follow. Only after Bob is patched up and taken inside, does time begin to flow again. Cledtus spends many hours staring at Bob's unconscious body, as Bob's arm and hand seems to look around and study everything around it. Cledtus also comes to the conclusion that he was responsible for the previous events and the transformation of Bob's arm. The arm seemed to have an intelligence beyond anything Cledtus could imagine, while his own ability to seemingly stop time, left him dazed. Was this all he could do? Could he even do it again? How did he do it to begin with? The possibilities were staggering. Even with all this, he was still able to understand that something special and powerful had happened. He remembered what he had learned from his vast reading of comic books as a child, he had a responsibility. A great reponsibility. For, if he did have this, and perhaps other powers, it was a great power in deed. Cledtus needed a costume. Unfortunately, all he could find was an old pair of red long johns with a rear flap. Now Cledtus wasn't very bright, but he was known to be able to use common items in novel ways. Cutting the long johns at the waist, he fashioned a mask from the bottom half. Putting two holes in the rear flap for eye holes, he placed it over his head. The legs hanging down reminded him of the long ears of the rabbits that infested the RV park. Thus was born Red Rabbit. Bob's arm seemed to understand what Cledtus had in mind when he went to check on Bob while wearing his new disguise. After Cledtus provided Bob's arm with a pen and some paper, they spent the next 2 weeks replacing Bob's lost limbs with various items they could find. When Bob finally came to, he had no control over his right arm. In fact, the arm was actually able to take over control of his body (except for his head) at times. And while many a fight between Bob and his arm insued, Partial Bob came into being. This is the origin of Red Rabbit and Partial Bob, whos' adventures we will some day follow. **Red Rabbit and Partial Bob do in deed have more powers and abilities. But, this is the true reason for them.** Beneath the small trailer that Cledtus and Bob call home, a vast net work of tunnels extend through out the RV park. It is a rabbit warren inhabited by super intelligent rabbits (previously mentioned as infesting the park). These rabbits have a society and technological abilities that man kind will not even be able to concieve of for another thousand generations. They gained all this through alien experimentation. The RV park happened to be the point of first contact between Man and the Intergalactic League of Super Intelligent Beings (ILSIB). Had Cledtus or Bob been home, instead of out shooting rats at the local dump and then going to visit Bob's mom, two sisters and niece at the Desert Palms Nude Review (There were only four 'entertainers' at the Desert Palms. Yes, they would be the mom, two sisters and niece - which makes what comes next all that more disturbing) - where they spent $480 on $5 lap dances and two trips to the VIP room, they would have been the recipients of the gifts given by ILSIB. Instead, when Mindaar the Lesser arrived, it was a trailer full of rabbits that greeted him. Having a habit of never attending any meetings and being a general goof off (hence the honorific 'Lesser'), he was under the impression that the rabbits were in fact Man. Wanting to get off planet and back to his warp drive life style, Mindaar popped a few rabbits in his portable evolutionary accelerator, gave them a computer system with a data base filled with the gathered knowledge of the ILSIB and bid them goodbye. By the time the ILSIB realized the mistake, the rabbits had already advanced even beyond them. It was the ILSIB's attempt to rectify the problem that led to the creation of Red Rabbit and Partial Bob. The ILSIB (in fear of the rapid advancement of the rabbits) decided to fix the situation by eliminating....well, the planet. No planet, no rabbits, no problem. Figuring this out before the ILSIB even realized their mistake, the rabbits devised a weapon of their own. When the ILSIB fired their Planet Eliminator 5000 (PE5g) at the rabbits, the rabbits own energy weapon displaced the vibrationary function of the PE5g. Nullifying its effect on the planet and reversing and intensifying its distructive power. It was the interaction of these two weapons that caused everything (the remnants of the ILSIB have already started to reconstruct and have sent a formal request to stop hostilities in the form of an unconditional surrender, which the rabbits have accepted. The rabbits have already sent aid and experts to help in the reconstruction). Having been in the center of the interaction of the energy weapons, set off changes in both Cledtus and Bob. Cledtus was unaffected by the stopping of time due to a quirk in his genetic make-up (which is not fully known, quite possibly suspect and, to tell the truth, may be too disturbing to contemplate). It was an unexpected reaction, that the rabbits have taken full advantage of. Becuase of this quirk, the rabbits are able to imbue Red Rabbit with what ever ability they can think of, for a brief period of time. These abilities are short lived. The greater the ability, the shorter span of time he has them. The first night Cledtus went to sleep, the rabbits implanted biological trackers and other bio-electrical devices in him and Bob (who's attached spare parts they have enhanced so that they can minipulate and imbue with powers, much like Cledtus himself), to oversee their activities and help them when neccesary (imbueing what abilities they need to acomplish what ever they may be trying to accomplish). The explanation of Bob's arm is this: Bob was supposed to be a conjoined (Siamese) twin. All that developed, though, was his twins brain and spinal cord. They happen to be in his right arm. The brain spread out, encased in the bones of the hand and fore arms, all the way down to the elbow (this seperation and compartmentalization of the brain has made it an entity that is basically a community, acting as an individual. Allowing each part to act seperately and as one - at the same time. The actual limits to this set up is unknown and of great interest to the rabbits), with the spinal cord extending through the bone of the upper arm, from elbow to shoulder, behind the shoulder blade and to the base of the skull, connecting to Bob's own spinal column. This is how the arm can take over the body at times (a low level psychic bond allows Bob to communicate with the arm). It was the interaction of the energy weapons that gave the brain its jump start and it became sentient. Bob's attempt to grab his left arm by putting his right arm in harms way, sparked its survival instinct - saving it from the same fate as the other three limbs (the fact that Bob's IQ rivals that of mineral deficient dirt is the reason for the frequent and, some times, vicious fights between them). Of course Cledtus and Bob have no idea why they have the powers they do (and the rabbits will do ANY THING to keep it that way), they just know they do. Mean while, they enjoy the tranquility of their surroundings and the company of the cute little bunnies that infest the RV park. All the while trying to decide the course of their future. The questions that must be asked are: Will they be forces of good or evil? What are the rabbits true intentions? Will the ILSIB secretly seek to retaliate? Did Cledtus even THINK of washing those long john's first? Will Bob be celibate for the rest of his life now? What's that smell? and What's it all about Alfie? Well, until I can think of a first adventure, so long on behalf of the Red Rabbit and Partial Bob ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I don't visit much and contribute even less. Never the less, I have a request. Would it be possible to have an individual declared an Honorary Bard? Perhaps a thread where some one can be nominated and if enough of us agree, given the Honorary title? I ask, because I would very much like to have Johnny Cash given this title. The Man in Black is the only person to be in: The Country Music Hall of Fame, The Song Writers Hall of Fame and The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. How can we be any less then to memorialize him as an Honorary Bard? Just asking, thanks for listening. Meanwhile, I'll be feeling like I'm.......stuck in Folsam Prison, and time keeps dragging on. ********************************************************************