Rune

Good poem. There are a few parts that stand out that maybe could be changed to improve the flow of the poem a bit better (in my opinion). You might just want to rearrange some of the lines to fix the problem if it is possible without messing up the meaning. I recommend reading it outloud to yourself, its usually an easy way to spot the parts where it doesnt quite flow correctly. Also if your comfortable doing so, give the poem to a family member or a friend and ask them to read it aloud. You can tell where they struggle in certain spots and what appears to flow naturally to them. Since most of your readers will probably read it as they do, you can correct things you hear.

Rune giggles at the poem and turns it into a song, similiar to a child's nursery rhyme. She goes about the keep humming and singing the rhyme to herself as she canters through the different rooms looking for trouble. This is one of my favorites! Its one of those poems that you read and go "oh yeah.. " afterwards because it reminds you of the simple things in life. Its also catchy..and easy to remember. Reminded me of a nursery rhyme or a prayer. Thank you so much for sharing.

Beautiful Vlad. I can just imagine it, and it flows so well. Thank you for sharing.

I think I will echo Vlad's comment and simply say "wow." Poems are often written above love lost for whatever reason, but its always kind of uncomfortable to read a poem about love lost because of a sour situation. This poem is one of those, its written so well that I sort of squirmed when I read it..because of how vivid of a picture it paints. Great job

Great poem Vincent. Traditional rhyming scheme and pure and raw emotion. Thank you for sharing it. As for depression being the stronger of all emotions..I think it really just depends on the person. For some love might be what brings out their best, in others it could be depression..or even angst or fear. Some say they do their best work when pressured while others panic and do little more than sit and babble when under pressure. Long as it drives you to live, create, and persist..then it is a healthy emotion. It's when depression gets you to the point where you no longer want to create..or even live..then there is a problem (well in my opinion).

Rune totters into the area where Ozymandias is presenting. She beams a smile at the stranger and then listens as he reads through what he has written. After he is done and finishes conversing with the rest of the audience, she walks towards him and does her best to be noticed. Being rather small, it takes quite a bit of jumping and arm waving. Getting his attention she thanks him for sharing his poem and hopes that he plans to stick around a bit longer. I like the simplicity most of all. It points out something that I personally am always afraid to consider..that someone might be able to see what I'm trying to hide when we are face to face. I also like the subtle word change. When i first read it, I thought it said "When I look at you, what do -I- see?" so I read it as though it were talking about someone else (which of course let me delve into all the negative things I see with them). When I re-read it to add a comment..I realized it said "When I look at you, what do you see?" and it hit home pretty effectively (since I had thought of all those negative things). Great job.

*giggles* That was just too funny!

Wow! That was so great! I laughed, I gasped, I punched the air saying "get em!" and then I sniffled at the end. Amazing job Aardvark. You did such a great job of twisting the storyline as you went along. I was expecting one thing, then got another..then expected something else and got something I didnt even consider. Those surprise twists make stories intriguing and oh so rememberable.

Rune wanders from presenter to presenter in the mighty pen keep listening to their stories and poems and doing her best to comprehend their words. She notices Yui-chan is presenting and rushes toward the area where she stands. She stares, wide eyed and consumed, by the tale the shadow is voicing. Her mind fills with the grisly images that are so powerfully proclaimed in the story and she flenches as the main character's words appear to grip her own soul as though trying to tear it from her body. As Yui-chan's story comes to a close the child walks away disconcerted wondering to herself where she would stand if the man's story had been real. Very powerful Yui. I'm not sure I've read a -short- story that has drawn me in, presented me with so much..yet so little, and then spit me out wanting more in a long time. I can't wait until you post again!

Rune looks up completely innocent and realizes she has just won a free ticket out of all 'pun' ishments that may have been considered. [edit]random smiley usage! [/edit]

Its really great. I cant think of anything to point out that I would change or even improve upon..granted I am not a poet so I do not delve into structure, mainly just overall impression. The opening contrasts to the rest of the poem which is refreshing..and the action in the poem is intensified by the short and quick sentances at certain parts which is a really effective technique. The subject is also unique which is a nice change as well. Think it's one of the best ones I've read so far, You should post more. Tis good stuff.

Rune claps from the aisle, rather delighted by the poem. That was wonderful! You should register and post lots and lots more.

Thanks reverie. And yeah I think I can understand what your brother ment. Kinda funny tho, I imagine 2 people walking down the road and one guy breaking out into a very long and detailed outlook on life where he talks for about an hour or two while the other remains silent..until the very end in which the silent one says "sounds good, i'll figure it out..." followed by a long pause and a look of bewilderment on the other guys face. Not sayin thats you, just the mental picture I got from your response. hehe. [edit] darn grammer [/edit]

After reading most of the responses to the Identity thread, I figured I would delve deeper into everyone's mind and ask more questions! Rune looks sneaky and considering her height most have to drop to their knees to notice.. she looks 'down' right sneaky. Who are your influences? Either in writing..or style.. or even in just everyday life? Got a hero? Someone you admire?

It's kind of funny but the difference in font actually affected how i first read it. For some reason it was distracting and made me feel like I kept missing something. Im a visual person though, and that could be why. Just thought Id share that rather .. non interesting fact. hehe

Oi Political poems are tough to read (well for me, rather) I think im too opinionated. It appears to work well though. Im glad you posted it.

Ha! Ok I woulda never thought of that. Very clever.. very very clever. *was too busy trying to figure out the deep dark life secret the poem was trying to answer to realize it was a toy*

Rune wanders in just in time to hear Sabre present their work. She smiles at the subject of the poem, having recalled being in a similiar situation in the past and knowing how it felt. She lays down in the center of the floor and props her chin up on her hands to wait for another installment. Kipi! That was great. Please post some more, I'd be really honored to get the chance to hear them.

Ooo Good stuff. Although if you mean by the old board.. the ezboard, they should have all been ported over in the moving process. None the less thank you for posting them. I really like 3D Dreams in a 2D world, the subject is an interesting study and outlook on life.

seems like it would be.. taking the pill, that keeps pain from my head... or taking the pills, that keep pain from my head... granted ive always been horrible at [edit]er grammer, not english..i should be ok at english considering its what i speak[/edit]

Rune pushes her way through the crowd towards Falcon, pulls on his pant leg to get his attention, and grabs the sides of his face to give him one huge reassuring nuzzle. When life seems to get most dark..please dont shut out the sources of light in your life. I've done it before..and it always appeared to just make me resent my friends for not being there when I needed them..even though I had shut them out myself. Hang in there! We don't want to lose you.

taking the pills that keeps pain from my head Should that be keeps? or keep? Ive never been good with grammer. Good poem, I think it ends alright if you do not feel comfortable adding the rest..although you could post it, we wont bite.

Alot of english teachers will do that. They feel that there is a text book version of creativity that needs to be followed and they allow that guideline to mold their students into non imaginative robots. Its too bad the original does not exisit anywhere as it was. Would be neat to read it. As for the story, I cant wait! *paces* (and yes, there is alot of spelling errors in this comment..they are.. ummm... symbolic, yeah thats it.)

*blinks and realizes she is totally lost* Dont quit anything!

It's really good!