Parmenion Posted June 13, 2003 Report Share Posted June 13, 2003 This is a disclaimer to say that the content of this may not appeal to some readers. It is not designed to offend anyone and was inspired by a conversation with a member of The Pen (you know who you are), but please note that it was written not as a rebuke but more of a flip-side outlook. It is not designed in any way to offend and if you feel even to some extent that you might find it offensive please discontinue reading. Please view this as a literary work and not an attack on anything because that is the light in which it was meant. Thank you for reading and as always all comments good or bad are much appreciated. Enjoy... Word meanings: Brays = a donkey is said to bray so... run your gob = mouth off dole = unemployment benefit hiding = bad beating Your maths and stats, Your "norms" to hell, Your non-stop thinking, on genes, and well... your college robes, Your pretentious ways, Your lack of passion, In your constant brays. I drink till drunk, I smoke till stoned, I start some fights, My skills are honed. I steal from all, I prey on meek, I do not love, Just hunt the weak. You probably know your own I.Q., Let me guess; one four two? By your standards, let me see, With eight tokens, mine comes free? Two darling kids and a stable job, Gives you the right to run your gob? I work one week and not the next, You think I think my life is hexed? In fancy clothes and a big-ass chair, You have the gall to sit and stare, As I stride through this pompous place, No shirt, no tie, no shaven face. You talk, (like dandies,) on things absurd, The last month's taxes you incurred, Which upkeep do-no-goods like me, Who spend their dole in a one-night spree. I'll tell you what, Look down your nose, At down and outs, At pimps and hoes', Lets see how long, You'll walk with grace, With a broken leg and slashed up face. You'll put it down, To genes and pools, To a broken home, And third rate schools. I'll put it down, To six months served, To giving a hiding, That you well deserved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted June 13, 2003 Report Share Posted June 13, 2003 It is VERY Eminem but I really liked it!!! As I know nothing about anything, I could take it without any forethought as to who might think it was about them. Very nicely written, now you just beed a backbeat! hehe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted June 13, 2003 Report Share Posted June 13, 2003 Very good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobody of Consequence Posted June 14, 2003 Report Share Posted June 14, 2003 Nice flow - just one query - shouldn't dandy in the third last stanza be singular? This kinda reminds me of an old story about a man who wanted to study buddhism from a hermit. The hermit refused to teach him anything until the man said one true thing. The man sat at the hermit's feet for three days, wracking his brains for the most profound insights of poets and philosophers throughout the ages. The hermit remained silent. The man was about to give up, and stood to leave, but stumbled and fell, crying out 'Ow!' as he hit the ground. The hermit smiled, and said 'Good. Now, let's begin.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted June 14, 2003 Report Share Posted June 14, 2003 very nice flow! i think "dandies" in the plural is correct in the sense of affected, exaggeratedly image conscious people standing about talking jobs and wages/salaries and taxes etc ad nauseum. such a conversation generally takes more than one person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobody of Consequence Posted June 14, 2003 Report Share Posted June 14, 2003 /me reads Ayshela's post, then ducks as a lightbulb suddenly appears right above his head. Interesting, actually ... the poem reads both ways, as in being addressed to both a group and a specific individual, yet I took it as being addressed to an individual based on Parmenion's note at the beginning. Oh well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted June 14, 2003 Report Share Posted June 14, 2003 quite right, it could easily be read either way. i admit i'd slipped into mentally following the "character" about through the flow of the piece and my mental image at that point included the plural very naturally. i can see where that would not be the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 14, 2003 Report Share Posted June 14, 2003 Very well done! heaves a sigh of relief that he has THREE children and a steady job. Getting to go to foreign lands and kill interesting people you meet is one of the steadiest jobs the world has... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted June 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2003 /me reads Ayshela's post, then ducks as a lightbulb suddenly appears right above his head. Interesting, actually ... the poem reads both ways, as in being addressed to both a group and a specific individual, yet I took it as being addressed to an individual based on Parmenion's note at the beginning. Oh well It was inspired as a result of a conversation with one person but it does in that stanza refer to a certain "clique" of people so thats why I used the plural. lol@peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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