Nobody of Consequence

No argument there, at all

Sorry, Wyv, just wondering if that means you'll be writing the retirement pieces in present tense, or if I'm being dense and completely misunderstanding you, which is entirely possible. Hope you don't mind if I don't crit this last post of yours. Think I might keep hush about nits, and focus more on the tale for a while. Or do you want section by section feedback?

To get the proverbial acting in the way the proverb suggests it ought to: Warning: biblical parody follows Before the Beginning, God said, "Let there be Void," and He looked, but could not see anything. And the cries of the angels rose unto Heaven, and God harkened unto them, and agreed that perhaps it was lacking a certain something. Book of Genesis, Prologue

Inspired by Ayshela and Aardvark, it is my inestimable honour to present, for the pleasure of one and all who find it pleasurable, this here creative writing doo-hickey. General idea: post what was your target author's choice of opening paragraph, but which was subsequently cut by the cold, heartless bastard editor/s before the book went into print. Doesn't have to be done seriously, so please feel free to parody, invent a title for a given author (eg J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter And The Itchy Trigger Finger") or even hybridise (eg JRR Tolkien/CS Lewis' "The Hobbit, the Witch and the Wardrobe"). I'm keen to see what folk come up with, should be a hoot

Ayshela - I agree with you to a certain extent, but the reason I thought it may be worthwhile making the cut is the old "show don't tell" dictum. I think he did a good enough job that the rest of the story still communicates the same ideas without it, though again, that might just be misreading. Btw, that's an interesting idea about a thread for cut opening paragraphs... /me sneaks off to do something

Great piece, as usual. My general impression of your style is that you start off each story with what comes across as being a narratorial solliloqoy. These read well, and are very entertaining, but it seems as though we get pulled in by the narrator, and then we switch to the point of view of the protagonist, and I'm not sure why you're structuring it that way. I'm guessing that you start with an idea, write an opening, and by the time that's done you're ready to move into the story proper, and that just seems superfluous. Just for comparison's sake, think about how this piece would work if it started at the beginning of the second paragraph of the current version. Having said that, and in full awareness that I could simply be missing something, if you'd care to share your own thoughts on structuring, I'd be glad to hear 'em.

Let the clock stop: let the water turn red as the hours run down. Let the dripping of the tap catch mid-air, let the steam turn into frozen air. Let the miror crack: let light slow and thicken and shatter against the wall. Let the silence gnaw on the shadows growing upon the floor. Let the knife keen: Let the wind howl once, and vanish upon itself. Let the skin pucker for a cold kiss goodbye. Let the lips part for one final sigh.

My gut response? Any parent who would name their offspring 'Riot' deserves to have a vampire as a child

One of the reasons I got tired of philosophy/semiotics and all those related disciplines is that you end up spending half your life defining terms Anyway, sufficient evidence for belief = proof, far as I'm using the term. Just so we're clear-ish

Excellent piece. Thank you

Umm, how's it go: belief without proof=faith. I'd think that in the modern world a religion based on belief with proof would be called a science

Good to see you posting, Tasslehoff I think it's time I 'fessed up - I hadn't read any of the Harry Potter books until last week, and even then it's only because my neice likes 'em for bedtime stories, though I have seen the movies (with her, natch). :insert shame-faced icon here: I did, however, find the whole notion of the books being slightly askew to be a perfect example of muggledom. And of interest to Pen members ... yeah, that too ...

Rhapsody - yes Given the rivers of flame one might find in Tartarus, Ash becomes even more appropriate, IMO Peredhil - I think a line went missing in your post???

Wyv: since one good turns deserves another... *evil grin* K, gonna jot my thoughts down in note form, so excuse the lack of grammar and such variables as logical sentence structure -Great opening sentences, in both posts. -Be careful with those apostrophe's *giggle*. -There's something I want to mention to you regarding adverbs. Use this as an example: IMO, that actually dilutes the impact. Firstly, use said unless you have a very good reason for using another word. "Said" is invisible, so you don't need to keep looking for alternatives. Secondly, using just timidly would probably convey the same idea, something like this:[bold]"Watcha playing," said Ariella as she timidly[/bold] Now, I'm not sure if this is something you'll agree with me on, but it's the way I approach my own writing, anyway. -kid's dialogue handled really well. Dialogue is usually tough, so kudos. -The old "show, don't tell" thing. Instead of telling us that a certain character feels a certain way, characterise it. Describe reactions, facial expressions and body language. You seem to do more of that in the second post than in the first, which is good to see. - I'm not sure if I agree with Yui in connection with the use of passive voice in the second post. If you're trying to show the passive side of Ariella's nature, it may actually work, especially given that it's in connection with emotional issues, although I would limit it solely to those passages where it does relate to emotional issues. -I like the basic concept, showing her development through flashbacks. -I understand that there is a very structured society here. Will we get to understand more of the whys as the story progresses? I mean this more in a sociological than historic sense, btw. Overall, it's good work. Don't let the nits I've picked make you think otherwise. I, too, look forward to the next installment

Ya know, I think Ash is kinda cool - Yggdrasil, the World Tree in Norse mythologoy, is an Ash tree, plus there's the connotation of fire there, plus resurrection (ashes to ashes, pheonix rising from the ashes), which has a link to the necromantic theme. Hmm, anyway ... when you say Greek Underworld, do you mean the Greek Mafia, or the Greek Pantheon? No, seriously

Yui, this is becoming annoying ... mind, it's annoying because I'm suffering from literary constipation, at the moment. /me puts the bowl of sour grapes down to applaud /me glances at the bowl Hmm .. might be my diet ...

Potter books missing chapters AP - Sixteen-year-old Richard Flynn was charging through the 870 pages of the latest Harry Potter book when he got to Chapter 29 and discovered it was Chapter Nine instead. No, this was not a magic trick, but a printing error. A printing error will cause some of the thousands of Australians who bought "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix" over the weekend to miss out on two crucial chapters, Channel Ten television reported Monday. Flynn only realized the problem once he was fully immersed in the new book and said when he returned to the bookstore to get another copy the bookstore's representatives told him that others had also complained. About 10,000 of the 750,000 printed in the first run of the book for Australia and New Zealand would be faulty, Andrew Hawkins, a spokesman for publishing company Allen and Unwin, told Channel Ten. He apologised for the error. The latest installment in the Harry Potter series by British author J.K. Rowling is breaking publishing records worldwide and bookstores around the world have scrambled to satisfy the demands of children and adults alike hungry for news of the boy wizard. Flynn was told it would be another three weeks before he could get a complete copy, Channel Ten reported. "I won't feel fully satisfied until I read the book," Flynn said, sighing. ©AAP 2003

Salinye: some one who I was once much closer to than I am now Or to put it in a slightly more poeticly cryptic manner, a lass who qualified as a bevy of beauties all on her own. Alas! A lack, a lass!

Kas - well spotted, and thanks. /me rushes off to fix up the loose ends Just one slight problem I have with this at the moment: I recently submitted the first chapter as a pitch for a magazine serial, and if I'm fortunate enough to make it to the next stage of consideration, I'll have to submit a very much trimmed version of the plotline. At the moment I'm trying to decide what to leave out and what to include, so I might have to post the amended versions in a few more days.

... but not many people can play a competitive round with Tiger Woods

/me reads Ayshela's post, then ducks as a lightbulb suddenly appears right above his head. Interesting, actually ... the poem reads both ways, as in being addressed to both a group and a specific individual, yet I took it as being addressed to an individual based on Parmenion's note at the beginning. Oh well

I love my mother, too The intro you wrote reminds me a lot of the style of writing favoured by the likes of Jay McInerny and David Foster Wallace. Enjoyed, muchly

Do _not_ feel ashamed - some of the greatest poets to have written in English made their reputations doing soppy stuff. Though, I gather you're being tongue-in-cheek, in which case, err .... nevermind I especially liked the concept in the final stanza, about gazing in the way only the very young do. I took this to mean that love made the narrator feel very young, innocent, really nice way to achieve that image, too, might I say. You do gooey very well

Nice flow - just one query - shouldn't dandy in the third last stanza be singular? This kinda reminds me of an old story about a man who wanted to study buddhism from a hermit. The hermit refused to teach him anything until the man said one true thing. The man sat at the hermit's feet for three days, wracking his brains for the most profound insights of poets and philosophers throughout the ages. The hermit remained silent. The man was about to give up, and stood to leave, but stumbled and fell, crying out 'Ow!' as he hit the ground. The hermit smiled, and said 'Good. Now, let's begin.'

We don't know each other, but there is one thing I would like to say to you: you seem to have forgotten that of the two best ways to improve your writing, one of them is reading the works of others. If that is truly one of the reasons for leaving, may I suggest that you simply reconsider your role, and give guidance and feedback until such a time as the winds of creativity fan the flames back in your direction?