Nobody of Consequence

No argument there, at all

Sorry, Wyv, just wondering if that means you'll be writing the retirement pieces in present tense, or if I'm being dense and completely misunderstanding you, which is entirely possible. Hope you don't mind if I don't crit this last post of yours. Think I might keep hush about nits, and focus more on the tale for a while. Or do you want section by section feedback?

To get the proverbial acting in the way the proverb suggests it ought to: Warning: biblical parody follows Before the Beginning, God said, "Let there be Void," and He looked, but could not see anything. And the cries of the angels rose unto Heaven, and God harkened unto them, and agreed that perhaps it was lacking a certain something. Book of Genesis, Prologue

Inspired by Ayshela and Aardvark, it is my inestimable honour to present, for the pleasure of one and all who find it pleasurable, this here creative writing doo-hickey. General idea: post what was your target author's choice of opening paragraph, but which was subsequently cut by the cold, heartless bastard editor/s before the book went into print. Doesn't have to be done seriously, so please feel free to parody, invent a title for a given author (eg J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter And The Itchy Trigger Finger") or even hybridise (eg JRR Tolkien/CS Lewis' "The Hobbit, the Witch and the Wardrobe"). I'm keen to see what folk come up with, should be a hoot

Ayshela - I agree with you to a certain extent, but the reason I thought it may be worthwhile making the cut is the old "show don't tell" dictum. I think he did a good enough job that the rest of the story still communicates the same ideas without it, though again, that might just be misreading. Btw, that's an interesting idea about a thread for cut opening paragraphs... /me sneaks off to do something

Great piece, as usual. My general impression of your style is that you start off each story with what comes across as being a narratorial solliloqoy. These read well, and are very entertaining, but it seems as though we get pulled in by the narrator, and then we switch to the point of view of the protagonist, and I'm not sure why you're structuring it that way. I'm guessing that you start with an idea, write an opening, and by the time that's done you're ready to move into the story proper, and that just seems superfluous. Just for comparison's sake, think about how this piece would work if it started at the beginning of the second paragraph of the current version. Having said that, and in full awareness that I could simply be missing something, if you'd care to share your own thoughts on structuring, I'd be glad to hear 'em.

Let the clock stop: let the water turn red as the hours run down. Let the dripping of the tap catch mid-air, let the steam turn into frozen air. Let the miror crack: let light slow and thicken and shatter against the wall. Let the silence gnaw on the shadows growing upon the floor. Let the knife keen: Let the wind howl once, and vanish upon itself. Let the skin pucker for a cold kiss goodbye. Let the lips part for one final sigh.

My gut response? Any parent who would name their offspring 'Riot' deserves to have a vampire as a child

One of the reasons I got tired of philosophy/semiotics and all those related disciplines is that you end up spending half your life defining terms Anyway, sufficient evidence for belief = proof, far as I'm using the term. Just so we're clear-ish

Excellent piece. Thank you

Umm, how's it go: belief without proof=faith. I'd think that in the modern world a religion based on belief with proof would be called a science

Good to see you posting, Tasslehoff I think it's time I 'fessed up - I hadn't read any of the Harry Potter books until last week, and even then it's only because my neice likes 'em for bedtime stories, though I have seen the movies (with her, natch). :insert shame-faced icon here: I did, however, find the whole notion of the books being slightly askew to be a perfect example of muggledom. And of interest to Pen members ... yeah, that too ...

Rhapsody - yes Given the rivers of flame one might find in Tartarus, Ash becomes even more appropriate, IMO Peredhil - I think a line went missing in your post???

Wyv: since one good turns deserves another... *evil grin* K, gonna jot my thoughts down in note form, so excuse the lack of grammar and such variables as logical sentence structure -Great opening sentences, in both posts. -Be careful with those apostrophe's *giggle*. -There's something I want to mention to you regarding adverbs. Use this as an example: IMO, that actually dilutes the impact. Firstly, use said unless you have a very good reason for using another word. "Said" is invisible, so you don't need to keep looking for alternatives. Secondly, using just timidly would probably convey the same idea, something like this:[bold]"Watcha playing," said Ariella as she timidly[/bold] Now, I'm not sure if this is something you'll agree with me on, but it's the way I approach my own writing, anyway. -kid's dialogue handled really well. Dialogue is usually tough, so kudos. -The old "show, don't tell" thing. Instead of telling us that a certain character feels a certain way, characterise it. Describe reactions, facial expressions and body language. You seem to do more of that in the second post than in the first, which is good to see. - I'm not sure if I agree with Yui in connection with the use of passive voice in the second post. If you're trying to show the passive side of Ariella's nature, it may actually work, especially given that it's in connection with emotional issues, although I would limit it solely to those passages where it does relate to emotional issues. -I like the basic concept, showing her development through flashbacks. -I understand that there is a very structured society here. Will we get to understand more of the whys as the story progresses? I mean this more in a sociological than historic sense, btw. Overall, it's good work. Don't let the nits I've picked make you think otherwise. I, too, look forward to the next installment

Ya know, I think Ash is kinda cool - Yggdrasil, the World Tree in Norse mythologoy, is an Ash tree, plus there's the connotation of fire there, plus resurrection (ashes to ashes, pheonix rising from the ashes), which has a link to the necromantic theme. Hmm, anyway ... when you say Greek Underworld, do you mean the Greek Mafia, or the Greek Pantheon? No, seriously