Falcon2001 Posted April 12, 2003 Report Share Posted April 12, 2003 "Goodbye, I'll miss you" A moment is forever when you've been rent straight through the heart A minute is eternity when you and your love are far apart How can I survive this pain when she has gone away The kiss we shared so long ago - could it have been monday? A burning heat released from bonds, we shared a secret song A song that still burns in my mind, even 'ere she's gone A lovely land my fingers caressed, the lines of her precious face And of the honey upon her lips I gently took a taste Her eyes, bejeweled and spark'ling bright, were filled with love and joy The moment hung through eternity, brashly proud yet coy The precious seconds we spent together still run through my mind And still I close my eyes and sigh, remembering our lives entwined But now she's gone and I am torn, my better half removed Remembering the moment when my fears were all disproved And so I wait through dusky day, the departed sun a dream The cutting pain is everywhere now, I release a silent scream A day is a darkened void when all you do is mourn But a week stretches to infinity when you're torn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted April 12, 2003 Report Share Posted April 12, 2003 Powerful and well written, I enjoyed reading this, Falcon. "The moment hung through eternity, brashly proud yet coy" That has to be my favorite line of the poem, (though the rest were excellent as well!) there's just something compelling about the wording. Excellent job, Falcon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanz Posted April 13, 2003 Report Share Posted April 13, 2003 wow! this was very moving and strong. i know how you feel- about your better half being removed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted April 13, 2003 Report Share Posted April 13, 2003 I know how you feel here... feeling that way right now in fact. *Hugs* We could just sit around and be miserable together... A very good poem. Impeccable timing, too... Just wish people didn't feel this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted April 13, 2003 Report Share Posted April 13, 2003 that was a great poem Falcon. So very touching Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salinye Posted April 13, 2003 Report Share Posted April 13, 2003 Very touching, thank you for sharing. ~Sali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gjunon Posted April 13, 2003 Report Share Posted April 13, 2003 it was a really well written poem i know exactly how you feel (hollow) hope you find the one your searching for Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted April 14, 2003 Report Share Posted April 14, 2003 wow... poignant and full of feeling. Which, even though it's painful, beats the eternity of a week of feeling nothing. You really have a knack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 ... This is overflowing with emotion. I don't even know how to approach it, except to say, "well done". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 (edited) Very powerful and very moving; I agree with all the others in saying that this is an excellent poem worthy of every bit of praise it has recieved. A comment on the structure: - I like how the first two lines metrically start with a 1 syllable-2 syllable-1 syllable-3 syllable/1 syllable-2 syllable-1 syllable-4 syllable That subtly gives the poem a sense of building, unconscious except to the trained eye, and puts the reader into a rythm of sorts very early on, always helpful when reading a poem. The internal rhyme in line 3 is very clever, "How can I survive," I like how you neatly fit that little tidbit into the larger poem. It accomplishes its task effortlessly, and the word choice doesn't feel at all strained. Edited December 24, 2004 by HappyBuddha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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