Tasslehoff Posted March 6, 2003 Report Share Posted March 6, 2003 As I sit back in front of this computer, the room dark, except for the faint glow off the screen, I gently rock to the music that plays in the backround.. Pleasing my ears with anything from Boyz II Men to Godsmack, to Eminem... Silence echoes through-out the entire house, for the only noise is the tapping of keys.. I've always wondered what keeps one strong, keeps one believing.. There are so many times, where I have quit, or I tell myself to run away.. I just give up and walk away, but then, times get hard, and I feel I get weak and I run back.. But this time. I stood strong and held my ground.. Didnt fight the pain.. the depression as it poured over my soul.. And much to my dis-belief, I was happy.. I was able to move on with my life... But.. That was till last Sunday, when my past, all that pain, all that mis-guided hope rushed back into my mind.. Completely causing a train wreck with-in an instant.. shivering.... crying... I listened to her words.. let them sink in, as the hope followed.. I couldnt say no.. Dont know why, but I still cared.. after the bad.. the ugly.. and the worst, I still stood there, embracing her back into my heart.. But it scares me so deeply.. Will it be the same.. will it be different? I want to believe it is so as I hide my pain behind jokes, and pitty. She leaves, and its back to normal.. but only for a short period of time.. Once again, she forms in front of me.. But this time its not so bad.. Shivering ceases, and I am actually happy.. Extremely happy... And then. I wait.. For she leaves again, and I wait.. Will she be back? 2hrs later.. Nope... 2 days later.. Nope.. It drives me insane.. The same path as before.. Where will it lead this time.. Can I divert my course, or am I stuck in a fools path that repeats its self again..and again... and once more, again. I suppose the call this love.. maybe lust..maybe crazy.. but what ever it is.. I dont want it..I dont need it.. I want to be me..I want to be me again... or do I need it.. Is it me.. Is it us.. Are we entagled together? Is there a bond strung so tight between us, that we cant break it.. Will she always be there for me? Will she love me again? yea.. just talking.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 6, 2003 Report Share Posted March 6, 2003 In my experience, such as it is... (I have to caveat, I've only been with one woman, the one I married, (but I listen and observe,) Once you love, you love. You can dislike someone you love, you can abhor their actions, you can lament their choices, you can even decide it would be best not to continue the relationship - but you love anyway. That is the danger of love, it makes you alive, vulnerable, turned outward to another and puts a trust that they won't misuse you. Fear and isolation is so much easier, being a living corpse, selfish and withdrawn, mistrusting everyone. Leads to insensitity and cold manipulations as the reptile brain takes over... if the individual is self-aware, could lead to death in many forms. Life is a choice. To begin to love is a choice. Even after all the pains I've endured - I still choose to love. Because I want to be loved - and someone has to start it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Pointy One Posted March 6, 2003 Report Share Posted March 6, 2003 Even though I don't know your exact situation, I do know what's going on, basically. I'm going through the same thing. I can definitely say I know what's running through your mind right now. It's funny, how one can devote their heart to someone so much, that they ignore everything else. You know, it's like no matter what happens between the two of you, you don't care, because of those few moments, everything fades away, and it's just you, her, and nothing else. Nothing else matters, and everything is good. You forget about pain, sorrow, and every other sort of depression-inducing, stress-bringing bull-crap. The hard part for me, is figuring out the difference between love and loneliness. Still, it's worth it, 'til the very last. In any case, I feel for ya man, I really do. If ya ever wanna chat it up, feel free to drop me a line, my e-mail's in my profile, and we seem to find each other pretty good on mIRC Best wishes, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falcon2001 Posted March 6, 2003 Report Share Posted March 6, 2003 Yeah, that's the way it is - you open yourself up and you're going to get hurt. You can't hate them...it's just the opposite - no matter what, you forgive. God that sucks sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted March 7, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 Thanks guys.. Appreciate the kind words.. To tell you the truth I dont know what to say. I feel so lost.. its crazy. But I guess. One of these days. I will pull myself out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Silverblade Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 Of course you will Tasslehoff, you have to. Everyone does, it's just a part of life. Bit by bit, step by step. And you know that if you ever need a hand out of any kind of proverbial hole, we're here a-waitin'. Yours, - Justin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brute Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 A person walks in and gently lays aside the mask he wears; that of a carefree and booze-loving mage and sighs. Tass, I am sorry that you've had to go through something like this. It's hard, I know. I'm still trying to cope with the recent divorce of my wife for 8 years. I've found that nothing takes the pain away altogether, but there are ways to help get me through each day. I laugh with my daughter. I work hard at both jobs I have. I read when I can. These few things do allow me to escape the pain that lingers. But what helped me most of all, what allowed me to finally rest my anger and bitterness, was to accept it. Love is a hard road to travel, and even the most hardy of us can sometimes stumble and fall. As much as it hurts to do so, as impossible as it seems, we get up, take a deep breath, and travel on. The road may seem lonely and terribly wearisome at times, but I, for one, cannot accept the fact that I will travel by myself forever. I understand about hope. Hope can keep you going at times, but be careful not to let it blind you to other possibilities, Tass. Possibilities happen every day. And above all else, do not allow self pity to drive you into depression. It does no good. Find something to laugh at or someone to laugh with, but realize that life will keep trudging along, with or without you. Ya might as well hop on the wagon as it's rolling past and take the ride. I'm not sure what else I should say. My own life fell apart recently, the absolute worst had happened, but I've managed to put a positive look on it. I am determined to make the best of what has been given to me. That's all that we can do, my friend. Pick yourself up and dust off your knees. The sky is gray and full of clouds, the road sodden and hard to travel, but over the next rise it may very well become dry and pleasant again. Go see if that's so. The fellow smiles to Tass and places a hand upon his shoulder, then slowly places the bald and pale mask back upon his face. Brute blinks at Tass, then with a wink, pulls out a hidden flask and sips from it. "Good stuff!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted March 7, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 Thanks Brute.. Thanks.. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 (edited) Rune wanders up to Tassie and hugs him around the neck. Well the best she could anyways, he is kind of short like she is. Afterwards she walks over to Brute and hugs his right kneecap. A bit of booze dribbles from the flash he is drinking onto her head. She looks up as a bit more splashes into her nose. You guys are both amazing. Hang in there. Edited March 7, 2003 by Rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted March 7, 2003 Report Share Posted March 7, 2003 Tassle - I admire you for writing out all of your thoughts that way. It's not an easy thing to do. Just hang in there as others have said, it doesn't get better all at once, but it does get different slowly - and then gets better bit by bit. 'sides Dorothy Parker had it sussed, she wrote: Résumé Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. Love and hugs to you and Brute. C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 8, 2003 Report Share Posted March 8, 2003 (edited) ...hands angelhoff a four leaf clover... (i always carry around seven of them at one time) hope that helps some... rev... Edited March 8, 2003 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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