jonadine Posted May 6, 2012 Report Share Posted May 6, 2012 (edited) "I think its time to talk about some things you're doing, Ned, what is going on with you?" She waited. "Brains." He said. "You never change your clothing its always full of stains, Why cant you do some laundry?" Came the answer..."Brains." "You don't wash the dishes or do yard work anymore Can you tell me what is happening?" "Brains!" he swore. "You lost your job, you never sleep and all your friends complain that you never call or visit them. What gives? Please explain." "And one more thing I'd like to say about last night in bed, you bit me way to hard and now I'm....Brains." She said Edited May 7, 2012 by Jomeansme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snypiuer Posted June 1, 2012 Report Share Posted June 1, 2012 I like this one. . . it flows very nicely and is just, simply, good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonadine Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Weirdly, I have found that doggerel like this is much harder to write than some of my other stuff. I end up editing for flow, like, a million times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Yeah but it's wel worth the effort! I admit, I went "Teehee" at the end Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 9, 2012 Report Share Posted June 9, 2012 Heh. My Beloved, Mynx, and I both liked this, and both laughed aloud. *Polite Hugs of glee* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 (edited) Not bad. Zombie couple concept is a nice twist. Raising the question of who is / who should have been listening more to whom. A few grammar / punctuation tweaks here and there, but I think it stands pretty well as is. "I think its time to talk about some things you're doing, Ned, (Lose the first common) what is going on with you?" She waited. "Brains." He said. (Convert 2nd period to common, decaps "He") "You never change your clothing (add common at end) its (it's) always full of stains, Why cant you do some laundry?" (can't) Came the answer..."Brains." (You know, maybe not here, but you can always play with the word "Refrain," like in musical chorus that repeats) "You don't wash the dishes or do yard work anymore (add common / semi-colon at end) Can you tell me, what is happening?" "Brains!" he (stompend / swung / shrugged and) swore. "You lost your job, you never sleep and all your friends complain that you never text or visit them. Hey, what gives? Explain." "And one more thing I'd like to say about last night in bed, you bit me way to (too) hard and now I'm ... BRAAAAIIIiiiiinnssss," she said. Edited November 23, 2012 by reverie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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