Tattered Posted January 12, 2005 Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 Useless matter floating in and out of consciousness Denial so deep your feet sink beneath the false floor I have nothing to give I have nothing to offer you I am stuck in the moment and I can't free myself You'll not find an ounce of dignity left in my being Your eyes may stay with me, until you see the real me Something to look at is all I am, even that is fleeting Soon the wrinkles and age will doom my body And then I'll have nothing left to show for my life Maybe my kids would've been better off without me I've spent all this life digging holes and jumping in them What would God want of me? Save maybe an example I make my own destiny...why do I loathe myself? Why can't I make it through the storm unscathed? Why can't I follow through with my heart's desires? What is intention worth if your life is full of failed attempts? What good am I if I can't even please myself? Where will this road bring me if I watch not my path? Who am I to be allowed existance, so unworthy? All I ever wanted was to know God and love and be loved. Is that so difficult? Is that so wrong? Is that so impossible? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 12, 2005 Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 One reason for your being is so I can care about you. Hugs Another is so I can read your works and share your feelings. As to the last line, Sometimes, not at all, absolutely not. It's not the identity the world has given you that matters for your validation, it's the identity God has created inside you as a choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beautiful Nightmare Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 This is a really good poem perhaps you should add paragraphs to add some structure to it? How can you make your own destiny if what you strive for has not been achieved? Therefore i fully think that what you strive for is your destiny, something other than the way things are right now. Kids would never be better off without a parent believe me i know. "Mother and father is the name for god on every childs lips"-Brandon Lee in The Crow. Maybe its that you want to be loved so badly that when it comes along your blinded by either fear or looking for love in another way. Im sorry for rambling or if any of this offended you for some reason i apologise completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tattered Posted January 14, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated. I am a little embarrassed about how dramatic I was feeling. I still feel the pressure and my heart pounds faster when I read over what I wrote. Peredhil, you are the twinkling star in the dark sky...although many can draw upon your comfort, as your twinkle seems just for them...but there are so many that can see your light and have come need your star in their life...Just a simple word, just a bit of encouragement, and a listening, caring heart...you are one in a million.... Arwen...don't be silly. The fact that you said anything is indication enough that you care. And your intentions are good. I'd rather hear someone say an imperfect word rather than none at all. Thank you. I love suggestions and continue to take them into consideration...everytime, everyday, as I go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted January 16, 2005 Report Share Posted January 16, 2005 The feelings in your work are universal. I may not have the poet's heart but I do appreciate the works of others. Here are the lyrics of one of my favorite artists, Stan Rogers. In moments of great sorrow and dispair I have often lean on his music and works to comfort my soul. I offer them to you without further comment. Stan Rogers - A Matter of Heart We live in fear of no one to love us Of feeling like an empty hole With no kind heart or strengthening hand To light the dark and secret soul. Behind the walls of lonely protection Afraid to give for what we may lose, And to hide our sin, or let someone within, Everyone will have to choose! Chorus: Put your life on the line, Give your hand and pledge your time To the love whose lips inflame you Like some ancient and golden wine; And to all it's a start in fulfilling greatest needs in part, For in whatever we dream of what we some day want to be It's a matter of heart. We like to think we know what we're doing, We always like to be in control. The rational mind rules the passionate heart Is what the ancient sages told. But that can sound a little bit hollow, When you're sitting by the fire alone! And the rarest old wine tastes of ashes and brine, When you've no one there to keep you warm. Chorus: The way in which our pride will stall us, When we know we should be losing control, Puts us in the fear of falling and we let it go! Our careful words are self-deceiving, Though we like to call them 'pretense' and 'art', But every old line is held in the mind, When it's really just a matter of heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quincunx Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 I hesitate to criticize this poem, especially with your post that says it stings you as though it were freshly written, Tattered. Take this with several grains of salt and perhaps a year of distance from the time you wrote it: The lines and rough couplets are all powerful images, and nothing is out of order, but the entire poem does tumble together and dilute a bit until it hits the first question mark. Space between lines would insert too much time. Maybe, although I realize that the lack of punctuation in the first half is a conscious choice, there needs to be a few full stops in it? I have great difficulty pointing at a spot in the first six lines and saying, "Yes. A full stop must go here," but perhaps the lines about the body could be cordoned off with punctuation, and certainly "I've spent all this life digging holes and jumping in them" is strong enough to be the beginning of a new sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Hey, just a side note... I noticed you do not have a feedback level listing set in your profile... In the future, a small note on how'd you like to ppl to comment on your work could help us help you...input wise that is... okay, rev_out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tattered Posted January 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Reverie, thanks for the side note. I have no preference really. I just take it as it comes. I appreciate all comments of any kind. I am a poet, however I am not a scribe, so I feel profound emotions yet I am clumsy as I stumble over the words. I hope to improve so thoughtful critisism is great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted January 31, 2005 Report Share Posted January 31, 2005 Tattered. Just finished one poem, looked down but two or three poems and here was another.. Your words are so strong. So amplified. They create an image of your pain, so real, so emotional. ( I do hope all is well ). There is a certain line I wanted to comment on: Where will this road bring me if I watch not my path? In my recent few years, Ive let my eyes venture away from the path. I believe that sometimes, you have to keep them on the path, so you dont venture to far, but also, at times, you just got blink. Let go.. Trust life & your god, for your beliefs in *him* will set you straight on the rightous path sooner or later. All are just trials for some grand scheme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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