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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

By Request: Love Note


Finnius

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Ok, by way of explanation, this is a love note I wrote to Katz as a half-jab to a response in Crap a la Z, in the Banquet Hall. It was meant in good fun, but also supposed to be a decent letter, as it is my personal belief that everyone deserves a good love letter now and then.

 

The letter, and Katz's resulting reply are posted below. Enjoy!

 

Dear Katzaniel,

 

Can I call you Katz? In any case... I just wanted you to know that I've been watching you for some time now, and I've really come to care about you... I know you don't see me the same way I see you, but I hope that doesn't change anything between us.

 

(This is the header, to ease you into the 'high praise section' of the letter.)

 

I've tried to keep all this inside, but I just can't stand looking into those sparkling, wonderful eyes and not saying anything. In the end, dear, that's what did it... your eyes. I fell into them, and never want to find my way out. I love you.

 

(The Praise section speaks for itself.)

 

If, my dear one, you feel anything similar for me... If I can have that hope of real, true joy... then please let me know. I wait with my heart pounding and my face flushed, and dream of you. I see your beautiful smiling face when I close my eyes, can almost feel the tender brush of your lips, and then I open them and remember my place. But, dear Katz, there is always a smile on my lips afterwards.

 

(The outro, where the letter gets a bit bolder.)

 

Always yours, with love,

 

Finnius Mustardio Jalopini Canard O'Harpy

 

PS: Just so you don't think I'm a creepy psycho-stalker, I'm writing this as a response to Crap a la Z.

 

As you can see, I am, as the French would say: Smooth. Katz, belle that she is, was a good sport about the whole affair.

 

How could I *not* think you're a creepy psycho-stalker? You had me really confused at *least* until you started talking about my eyes. 90% of my brain is going, "This is some sort of joke", but the rest was going, "How can you fall in love with someone online, and how would a relationship even be possible???". I'm glad to know that you haven't really fallen in love with a tigertaur. Much better for you, Finnius.

 

Katz (Yeah, you can call me that!)

 

And so my torrid tale of tigertaur titulation comes to its only possible confusion... er- conclusion. All is well, Katz doesn't think I'm *too* weird, and the Pen, (Hopefully.) has one more amusing anecdote to add to its list.

 

Thank you, and g'night ev'rybody!

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**Talked to Fin and hope this will cause of trend of faux suiters fighting for Katz. She is rather wonderful, isn't she? Worthy to fight over in the most overdramatic and silly ways we can dream up if you ask me.**

 

Katz~

 

(May I call you that too?)

 

As lovely as that love letter was, I truly don't think Finnius is the best choice in this establishment. Why would you choose the blue over the blonde? Why not consider me as your one true love. Sure, I'm a woman, and that could be a problem, but still....

 

I too have been watching you, and not from behind the bushes with binoculars like Finnius. No, I chose a much more subtle approach. I just followed you around from a distance in costumes like Bugs Bunny, Grover, or ChibiWyv.

 

Let me tell you the upsides of choosing Salinye over the Finster...

 

I, unlike him, have never been eaten by a canabalistic wife.

 

I've never been possessed by a demon. (Again, unlike him)

 

I own my own hostel, so we'de already have a place.

 

I am hidden royalty and can claim my status at anytime. (Well for a price, but we'll talk about that later.)

 

I'm dead hot, I mean really, just check out Yui's picture of me.

 

Lastly, I'm fun and can blow up people who annoy you on a regular basis.

 

Now, on the downside, I do have a wee bit of mental baggage, an evil drow necro who wants to kill me and ayone who loves me, and then again, I AM a woman so, there would be no intimacy (not my cup of tea), but hey, who needs that when you have a kick arse garden?

 

So anyway, Katz, snookums. Think about it....Go for Blonde, not blue.

 

All my love and sugar crums,

 

~Salinye :fairy:

Edited by Salinye
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Dear Katzaniel,

 

 

In a very short time (a matter of minutes) I too have mysteriously fallen in love with you. Others have cited your eyes, and some reasons why they should garner your affection. Well I should like to cite some reasons as well.

 

I too have never been possed by a deamon (then again there was that pycho chick in San Diego but that lasted less than 24 hours).

 

I am house broken and rarely slay anyone inside any more (unless they deserve it).

 

I have always taken love seriously (except for this particular thread) and would be happy to compete for your affections.

 

Breathing is a labour I cannot bare if you are not around. So is laundry. ;)

 

I cannot claim to be royal but I am indeed Regel. Choose me over the blonde, yes she's hot but I can cook! I just don't clean.

 

Your sincerely,

Regel

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(Gets caught up in the activities.)

 

Dear Sweetest Katz,

Though I know so little about you, yet great is my love for thee. Whilst others focus on your eyes and supposed reason why they deserve you, I will not focus on things so trivial as they.

You have a great and beautiful mind, and I would gladly do anything for you, be it mow the lawn or fix things, even attempt to cook (although I would prefer we order out or something..my cooking skills still need work..), if it made you happy.

And I would, every dy when you came home, massage your back and fix you coffee, if that's your cup of tea (hmm...somehting about that seems odd...).

I would never do anything to hurt you.

I will even beat up the neighbor who won't stop gawking at you. Heck, I'll even keep the house clean!

Please, if you feel the same, let me know, that I may wisk you off to Eternal Happyness (five blocks from the sunny, cheerful, Florida Graveyard), where I can be yours.

 

Sincerely,

Xaious Lucias, the Time Master.

 

(Hey, that was fun!)

Edited by Xaious, Master of Time
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Showing off one of my psychotic male characters

 

Hey there, Tiger,

 

I know that this will come as one letter among many. I've seen your image in the eyes of several men over the last few hours. And a woman or two, as well.

 

I don't know what it is, but there's something compelling me to write this to you. Many have written to you of your eyes, or your felininity. None of that matters to me, however, so much as one thing: your countenance.

 

The fact that a simple glance at you caused Finnius to faint seemed laughable at the time I saw it, but I've since come to appreciate it in an entirely different light. Why, with a bit of makeup and some chemicals, the two of us could knock an entire theatre unconscious, so that I would only have to kill the people I wanted to, rather than the entire audience.

 

In short, I love you. I apologize if this may seem tactless, but I'm afraid that words cannot describe how much I want you there, at my side.

 

With all my heart and soul... (Which isn't much, since I sold them to the rulers of the underworld, but it's the thought that counts, right?)

 

Arian

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Dearest Katz,

 

I'm sure you've never noticed me watching you, because I'm usually watching you from treetops...well, I did fall out of them twice, but I only fell on you once. At least I fell into the pond the other time. It may have splashed you, but it hid me.

Still, I hope you can forgive me for that, because your hair is amazing. I've never seen anything like it before and I love it. I've always been better with animals than people and you're tigertaur, so we'll be able to communicate beautifully.

Also, I'll be great to be aroudn as long as you aren't obsessed with cleanliness...I'm great about cleaning up, but I do tend to constantly make accidents and messes. However, if that really bothers you, I'm sure I could persuade the Wiggly Cabbages to project an aura of neatness that would make things feel neat despite the mess. Also, if you enjoy gardening, well I can make your garden look like nothing else. I can even make your plants grow before your eyes and I always talk to them if they get depressed.

 

Admiringly,

Gwaihir

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Oh my lovely tigertaur!

 

Your eyes do catch me

Your hair is really beautiful

And your countenance...

No words to define it.

 

But what I love in you

Isn't that which others see

It's what you have inside

That which you don't show

 

It's the heart of the tiger

And the soul of the woman

Blended in one nature

Blossoming in one being

 

See the bonds we have

For you already know

I'm a wolf's soul

Entwined in woman's heart

 

But packmates we can't be

Wrong souls, wrong hearts

Like Romeo and Juliet

Impossible love, tragic story

 

Why did fate bring me you?

 

;)

 

Yeah, this is fun! :lol:

Edited by Tanuchan
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Dear Katzaniel,

 

I am not a man given to simplicity, but today I feel that I must surmount my final hurdle and be as direct with you as I may.

 

Well over three thousand years have passed on my home, the Earth since I left it.

When I had left, Moses had led his people, the Israelites from my land, under the order of their god, I Am.

 

To some this seems direct enough. To me, it was not. I sought at every turn to block the leaving of thousands of slaves; the people that I can now say were a cornerstone of my Egypt's prosperity.

 

I did all could, even in the face of the ruination of my crops, my land, my water, even the sickness and death of my people. Even the death of my own son.

 

Still, I rode in one last sortie against these people who had done me no wrong, only to the devastation of my armies.

 

I survived, only to be exiled to a Hellish world where I found not new promise, but instead being robbed of my kingdom and murdered over and over again.

 

I would have gone insane were it not for the oblivion of drink.

 

Such was the price of my pride.

 

 

But now I know he has forgiven me, the god I Am, and I may continue my days in joy and peace.

 

For he has given me another new world, and he has given me you.

 

Semper fidelis,

 

Ramses

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I go away for a few days and what happens? I come back to not just one love letter, but seven! You guys are hilarious. Um... mass mailing:

 

Dear suitors:

Well, one of my favourite singer/songwriters once said "Blonde Over Blue", but that doesn't help me choose between the eight of you, and he wasn't even talking about choosing. At any rate, Tanuchan offers a doomed love, Arian has already sold his soul, Xaious can't cook and Regal can't clean (I have no choice but to be picky... you're both out!), Salinye has a stalker that would include me by extension, and Finnius, as evidenced by his extended name, is fickle. This leaves only Gwaihir and Ozymandias. Sorry Gwaihir... you're cute, but Ozy's letter was much more romantic. Come here, baby!

 

Unless, of course, there are more suitors?

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Sorry I'm late. :P

 

Katzaniel,

 

A normal person would certainly admit defeat in my situation, as you had already made your decision by the time I arrived. Nevertheless, I urge you to reconsider, for there is clearly no one who deserves your attention more than I do. What better match than an Eater of Non-Members such as you and me, the only Official Non-Member?

 

You may not believe me, but I have a good amount of facts to back up my statement. Attraction forces are proportional to the square of the distance between the particles, and even with the great distance there is between us now, I feel pushed in your direction. We can therefore conclude that it is only a matter of time before we become inseparable.

 

I also realize that it took a while for me to notice you, but that is purely my fault. Your immense magnetism would have lured me to this area long ago had I not been hiding in a Faraday cage for the duration of the thunderstorm. Although I feel my absence was justified, I still apologize for making you wait.

 

Also, I should warn you that according to the Doppler effect, the frequency of my letters will become higher as I get closer, and though the amplitude of my feelings should not be affected by this particular fact, they will be manifested more often.

 

You may try to resist this at first, but I will keep acting as a condenser for the energy provided by our love, and the pulse created by this interaction will match the beating of my heart. Letting our love run out would only kill me. The timer formed by this Resistance/Condenser/Battery circuit will not last forever, so please make your decision soon.

 

I must now retreat to my Faraday cage, as I fear many suitors will shoot lightning bolts out of their eyes after reading this. But know that my cage blocks Electrical and Magnetic fields, but it will never be strong enough to block my love for you.

 

Anxiously waiting for a response,

 

Tyrion.

 

If anyone needs help with the Physics references, ask me.

Edited by Tyrion
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(Ya know, oftener and oftener after I wander back to the Pen I am struck by the huge talent we have here! You guys (and gals) got the magic! :wizzie: )

 

Katzaniel,

 

How can you even think of any other romance but ours? Well, we don't actually have a romance, but we should! Let me in and I'll tell you why...

 

Yes, it is true I am a painting, so consumating our relationship wouldn't be a problem - or a solution - or anything... But what does that matter when you can gaze at my countenance (I'm all countenance, Baby! :P ) for as long as you live?

 

Yes, I am flat, but that is not a detriment in a man! Indeed my two-dimensionality will lend a 'refreshing aspect' to our relationship. Certainly, it will be like no other.

 

True, I can't cook, clean, fix things, work, hold you, or much of anything but talk, really, but on the plus side I take up no floor space (just a wall).

 

And believe me, when the crunch is on, when you're in the middle of a ten year drought, the edge of a forest fire, the outside of the curve and the inside of a hurricane, there is nothing like a lighthearted egocentric joke to make your day. Just drop those other losers, and you'll see. ;)

 

Forever yours,

a-morosely,

-Zool

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Katzaniel raises a brow curiously as she notices a small package sitting in her fan-mailbox. Reaching for the tattered package and brushing a hand over the front of it to remove the dust that has gathered on the cardboard, she carefully opens it only to find a video cassette tape. Attached to the tape is a nearly illegible note that reads:

 

"To my dear, sweet, puuurrrrfect Katzaniel; enjoy this visual documentary of my amorous desires for you. Hiss hiss, XXL, Wyvie."

 

Frowning slightly at the note and hesitantly picking up the video, Katzaniel turns on her television set, inserts the cassette into her VCR, and rubs her forehead as she braces herself for the worst.

 

There is a moment of static on the screen, and then a mimic MGM studios arch made out of used cardboard boxes from previous Wyvern schemes appears. In place of the lion that regularly roars under the MGM arch is Cambronne, who lets out a timid "meow" before flopping over on her back at the scent of catnip. There's then another moment of static, in which cursing is heard faintly in the background, before the video displays a sign loosely filling the screen that reads:

 

"Almost Dragonic Video Productions proudly presents..."

 

The sign is then clumsily tossed to the ground and replaced with another sign, which reads:

 

"Why Katzaniel should devote her affections to Wyvern."

 

"Dear God..." mutters Katzaniel to herself, her eyes growing wider as the video continues. "Please, let this be short and painless."

 

Katzaniel's contemplations are cut off as the video cuts to a scene where Wyvern sits in a beautifully furnished room, perfectly designed for love making, dressed in a fine fur coat and loosely gnawing on an unlit pipe. Turning to the camera and winking, the overgrown lizard hisses:

 

"Fur and scales go quite well together, don't you think?"

 

Katzaniel frowns and cringes at how poorly the fur coat clashes with Wyvern's scales.

 

"Your fur and my scales were meant to be together, don't you see Katzaniel? Choose me, and we can cuddle next to the fire on this beautiful lion skin rug..."

 

Wyvern's face suddenly goes blank and he stares at the camera in silence as he's struck with a sudden realization.

 

"Errr... hehehe... that is, WOLF-skin rug. No cats were harmed in the making of this room, of course. Can you resist such class and elegence? Why, I'm certain that the other suitors would take you no further than Celes Crusador's Cafe!"

 

Katzaniel scratches her chin thoughtfully... while Wyvern's attire didn't look attractive on him, she had to admit that the room had class.

 

"Hey!" cries the familiar voice of Orlan from the background of the tape, causing Wyvern to turn in shock. "Why's the door- what the, WYVERN?! What are you doing in my room with my clot-"

 

The scene cuts off as the screen turns to static, leaving Katzaniel a moment to sigh and dismally shake her head. She turns her eyes back to the screen as the tape cues up with another scene, this one in front of a Hollywood theatre. Wyvern tips the top hat he's wearing to the camera, adjusting his cheaply rented tux and hissing:

 

"Now that the element of physical attraction is taken care of and you've fallen witlessly in love with my handsome appearence, it's time for me to elaborate upon my intellectual capabilities."

 

"Oh geeze..." moans Katzaniel while rolling her eyes. "Looks like it just got worse."

 

"Choose me as your suitor, and not only will we shamelessly rip off Alaeha's play idea, we'll also turn it into one gigantic advertisement for Almost Dragonic Brand Katzaniel-Sponsored Kitty Litter™! You can also rest assured that I'm very skilled in mathematic equations... for example, I know tax periods plus unfinished full-scale schemes equals loads of debt."

 

The video once again turns to static, only to cut to another scene. In this one, Wyvern is dressed in his casual tunic and breeches, and is standing in the middle of an art gallery.

 

"Another reason that you should choose me is for my machismo. Contrary to what some might say, I'm particularly strong and will protect you at the slightest hint of danger. I'm definitely stronger than the other suitors, and would like to elaborate my claims with a short demonstration involving one of Zool's friends."

 

Wyvern begins pacing down the hall of the art gallery, then stops next to a painting of a body builder staring outwards. Turning towards the painting and narrowing his eyes, the overgrown lizard hisses:

 

"What are you staring at, buddy? Just because you have those muscles doesn't mean I won't duke it out for Katzaniel!"

 

With that, Wyvern rips the painting from the wall and tosses it onto the ground, jumping on it several times and setting it on fire with a match. The scene cuts off into static just as several art gallery security guards arrive and start beating Wyvern down with night clubs.

 

Katzaniel scowls as a final scene cues up on the tape, this one showing Wyvern with a plain white background.

 

"Now that you know the real deal, I encourage you to choose me as your suitor of choice. That's right Katz baby, Wyvern - the only real suitor for a one night sta- errr... committed relationship!"

 

With that, Wyvern walks off from the area of the camera, revealing a small phrase on the white backdrop behind him that reads:

 

"Will also be glad to cheat on Ramses with you... or cheat on anyone else, for that matter."

 

Katzaniel lets out a low growl and turns off the T.V.

 

;-)

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Tirelessly working with legions of sprites, shadow monsters, and Ice Elementals, Ozymandias miraculously finishes the titanic project that takes up over a square mile of the northern Pen lands in a week.

 

Standing before it, smiling contentedly, Ozymandias beams at Katzaniel by his side.

 

"Can I open my eyes now?", she asks anxiously.

 

"Yes."

 

Katzaniel opens her eyes to take in the last sight she expected to find; a complete reconstruction (and indeed, it was in fact the original structure itself extracted...carefully...from modern day Egypt) of the palace of Luxor.

 

Even as she made her way to the front gate, awestruck, and it opened for her, Katzaniel realized that the entire palace had been redone on the inside as a new home just for her.

 

As she took all this in, Ozymandias said demurely, "I hope you like it".

 

Carefully positioned just out of her peripheral vision, Ozymandias executes a stately turn and serves all the gathered suitors a raspberry.

 

:PThbbbbbbbbpt.

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Ozymandias beams proudly as Katzaniel enters the beautiful palace of Luxor, smiling happily as her eyes widen at its beautiful decor and massive chambers.

 

"Oh Ozy..." says Katzaniel in a half-whisper, turning her eyes towards him affectionately from the central entrance hall. "It's absolutely gorgeous."

 

Katzaniel's affectionate response is suddenly interrupted as an ankh telephone resting at the corner of the hall rings loudly and shatters the sentimental moment. Katzaniel sighs and races to pick up the phone while Ozymandias continues to serve raspberries to the runner-up suitors outdoors.

 

Picking up the telephone and holding it to her ear, Katzaniel says:

 

"Hello?"

 

There is a short moment of silence at the other end of the line. Then, a low almost dragonic voice speaks up.

 

"You saw the video..." hisses the voice softly. "You have five days... then, you're mine."

 

Katzaniel goes pale as evil laughter begins ringing from the phone, echoing throughout the halls of Luxor. Outdoors, Ozymandias suddenly notices that the other suitors are coughing in rasps upon eating the berries, and that Wyvern is nowhere to be found.

 

"Dear Lord..." mutters Ozymandias, suddenly noticing that he's giving out Almost Dragonic Brand Raspberries. "What have I done?!"

 

;-)

 

OOC: you didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you Ozy...? *cue roaring evil laughter*

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  • 2 weeks later...

OOC: Not that I really want to bump this thing, but we can't leave a castle just lying around. :P

 

IC:

 

Katzaniel lay stretched out in her huge four-poster canape bed. She was in tiger form to match the patterned sheets, tail flicking in her sleep. Ozymandias was watching her from his chair, where he'd fled because he couldn't get any sleep with that tail going at that speed, but Katzaniel couldn't help it because ever since she'd received the phone call from Wyvern, she had bad dreams. She told Ozy about them each morning, unaware that he hadn't been able to fall asleep at all, and he would comfort her, telling her that even Wyvern wouldn't be capable of the horrible things he did in the nightmares.

 

Five days, they had quickly realized, coincided with a day that Ozymandias had uncancellable committments. He had to make a presentation to the newly promoted initiates, and since he'd skipped his last four turns, the eldership was forcing him to do it this time. "I'll only be gone for an hour," he'd told her, but they both knew what Wyvern could do with an hour.

 

So, when Katzaniel woke up that morning, Ozymandias did everything he could to prepare. The huge cat went willingly into the humongous pyramid that had been constructed for this, catacomb-like corridors winding in a maze that Wyvern would certainly be unable to trek in the time that Ozy would be away. But, of course, they underestimated Wyvern's trickiness. The new initiates were all under the impression that their membership was dependent on their ability to tell a story in single run-on sentence of more than 10,000 words, and by the time that each of them had assailed Ozymandias with their tales, it was not only late evening but he was too exhausted to do anything but fall to the floor. Each time he had tried to convince the initiates that they had it wrong, they had started again from the beginning, and the whole thing had been the worst plight that Ozy had ever been in, in his entire time as Loremaster.

 

While all this was happening, Wyvern was navigating the maze. He had what appeared to be a big napsack over his shoulder - in fact, he had first kidnapped Racoul, and planned to put Katzaniel in his pockets - and was tiptoeing down the tunnels with a wicked grin on his face. Unbeknownst to him, Tyrion had set himself to do guard duty, and when the almost-dragon finally stepped into the hallway before the central room where Katzaniel was hidden, a tripwire sent an electromagnetic waveform in warning to Tyrion, who then tapped the edge of the pyramid with a frequency that caused everything but the carefully altered tip to shatter, collapsing into a temporary prison for Wyvern.

 

With Ozymandias detained by the brainwashed initiates, Wyvern trapped beneath the stones of the pyramid, and Gwaihir busy with his application to the Story-Weaver Guild, Tyrion read his letter to Katzaniel, who immediately fell for his intelligent physics-related jokes and his determination. Leaving the Loremaster to discover the fallen pyramid and deal with the trapped almost-dragon on his own, the Eater of Non-Members did indeed run off with the Official Non-Member.

 

Ozymandias's destructive rage was unparalled at the Pen, and in a short while the castle had been levelled to a pile of rock.

 

Nothing beside remains.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Epilogue

 

 

Two vast and trunkless legs of lamb lie on Ozymandias' dinner plate.

 

He sits quietly, hands folded in his lap looking as serene as any Pennite has seen him in a long time. Slowly, he takes one in hand, raises it to his mouth, and when the jury-rigged loudspeaker behind him begins to play music, fairly lunges at it, tearing off a massive chunk. Ozy chews messily and happily as the music plays.

 

'Cause, I'm...Slim Shady...Yes, I'm the real Shady...all you other...Slim...Shadys...are just...imitating...so...won't the real Slim Shady...Please stand up...Please, stand...up...

 

Valdar wanders in, clutching his ears for dear life.

 

"Say, Oz?"

 

"Mm? Whu cn I dr fr yeh?"

 

"What on Earth are you listening to?", he asks still a bit too loudly.

 

Ozymandias swallows and smiles placidly at him.

 

"It's William Shatner's Eminem album. He does all of these spoken word performances..."

 

"But why are you listening to this??", Valdar demanded, hands still firmly clamped over his highly (no matter how much he now regretted it) sensitive ears.

He squinted up at the speaker. "...what's that whimpering?"

 

 

"That?" Ozymandias laughed and waved a hand dismissively. "That's Wyvern. He's in there with Shatner right now. It's been over a week, I think I'll unlock the door soon."

 

Valdar goggled at the Loremaster. Ozymandias seemed not to notice. "I suppose I'll tell him that he isn't really cursed to be allergic to geld, too." This made the planeswalker look at his friend even more askance. Ozymandias smiled slyly.

"A liberal dose of itching powder on his savings, you see."

 

"I see..."

 

 

Meanwhile...

 

The very next morning, Tyrion woke to find a finely polished gleaming white skull by his head. Closed in its teeth was a note.

 

It read:

 

Dear Tyrion,

 

A letter of your own, to lay any fears to rest. Though it breaks my heart, Katzaniel made her choice, fairly, and without deception. To quote the vernacular;

'You won fair and square'. Of course I have none for Katzaniel, but I also bear you no ill will.

 

So I wish you and dear Katz the best for the rest of your lives together.

(Oh, and pay no attention to burning effigies of you. That's just my way of blowing off a little steam)

 

Sincerely,

 

~Ozymandias~

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