Appy Posted September 9, 2003 Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 (edited) The world is White It looks at me and says: "You are Empty" and I agree I've always despised White.. The world is Darkness It looks at me and says: "You are Nothing" and I agree I've always feared Darkness.. The world is a Mirror It looks at me and says: "You are Boring" and I agree I've never liked Me.. [09 september 2003, Leverkusen] ~edited, looky at next post for reason ~ Edited October 20, 2014 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted September 9, 2003 Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 for "sais", do you mean "says"? English is awkward with so many strange language rules... I think you'll find many people who've felt the world looked at them this way. Just have to spit in its eye and believe in yourself enough to try - expecting success, not failure. If you do all your planning for failure, you often succeed only at failing. Attitude is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted September 9, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 ack! yes I mean "says" lol, thanks And I'd be the first to agree on the rest of your comment, and i'm sure you know that it's the will to fight for succes that most times fails (there's that word again).. but if you know me well enough, then you also got aquinted with my "attitude".. Life has nothing on me in that regard, luckely It's just the words that elude me constantly *grumbles at her pen* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted September 9, 2003 Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 I like your poem Appy, very much. It reads really well and it's one of those 'you know what's coming and you still have to read it' types. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted September 9, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 (edited) After some discussion on #thepen, a little revision.. thanks Vlad The world is White It looks at me and says: "You are Empty" and I agree I've always despised White.. The world is Darkness It looks at me and says: "You are Nothing" and I agree I've always feared Darkness.. The world is a Mirro r It looks at me and says: "You are Incomplete" and I agree I've never liked Me.. [10 september 2003, Leverkusen] Edited October 20, 2014 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted September 9, 2003 Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 I have a suggestion for the last stanza. For more emotional impact, and fitting in more with the implied 'perceived negative visual reflection' idea, I would suggest "You are ugly" instead of "You are Incomplete". Of course I am not actually saying you are ugly, I don't even know what you look like, I am just trying to drive home what I think you are trying to say in your poem. 'Incomplete' sounds wishy washy to me, and I think pulls an opportune punch out of the poem. Having read a lot of author interviews over the years, I will always remember what Stephen King said: "Never pull your punches". Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted September 10, 2003 Report Share Posted September 10, 2003 (edited) Great poem... really... Not that is matters or anything, but i throw my vote towards the orignal... that's just going strictly from intial gut feeling... I agree with zool on the 'incomplete' thing Hmm, my extra two cents: the other stanzas talk of 'Nothing' and 'emptiness...' And to me 'ugly' is neither of those... if anything, it invokes a reaction of sorts... whereas 'boring' seems to fit better with the whole writers block thing you got going... since ... um well if you ever felt you were coming across as boring to someone, if might have been because you felt you had nothing to say... brain all stalled out... ya know... empty of all interest... Just some thoughts. Great poem... I love the structure. revery the dreamlost "uh, oh, oh no..."(cadence) the dream continues... Edited September 10, 2003 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted September 10, 2003 Report Share Posted September 10, 2003 i liked the original concept, but i like the revision even better. i don't think "ugly" fits the original concept, though it is very true-to-life. it simply doesn't follow "empty" or "nothing" as well. must be time to shut up, i've stared at this screen for five minutes. meh. i liked it. i guess that's really all i had to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted September 10, 2003 Report Share Posted September 10, 2003 I swear I replied to you Rev... oh well... I agree with you. Perhaps 'ugly' has more emotional impact, but on the other hand 'boring' may carry more artistic honesty to the authors message, thus more poetic impact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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