Elvida Posted June 3, 2003 Report Share Posted June 3, 2003 (edited) Go ahead and leave me alone I had no choice in this I wouldn't have come to you tonight If I knew this would be my final kiss Push me away and shut the door, Leave me sinking to the floor In pain Bring me to the brink of death With your fatal words The love we had would never end If you hadn't run away The life I had wouldn't round this bend If I hadn't decided to pay This price of death I see the blood running down my hands I watch my pale face in the mirror The tears I cry now will never be seen Except by my ever-faithful Queen, Peace ---------------------------------------------- meh....I tried Edited June 4, 2003 by Elvida Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted June 3, 2003 Report Share Posted June 3, 2003 i tried? sounds like you were aiming at something and fell short, but i don't see anything here that isn't respectable. one question and a minor thing, if i may, since i'm far too brain-fried tonight for anything deep or insightful. The first verse has four lines, the others all have five. Was that deliberate or significant in any way? And the nagging correction - I wouldnt have come to you tonight andThe life I had wouldnt round this bendwouldn't, being a contraction, has an apostrophe. Okay, i fibbed.. one more thing. The love we had would never end If you hadn't run away "would never" is a future projection, while "hadn't" is past. Has the love completely died? Yours only? His/hers? There's a subtle ambiguity here. Was that what you intended? All in all though, very evocative. i do like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 3, 2003 Report Share Posted June 3, 2003 Like Ayshela, I affirm that this is GOOD and well worth posting, before moving on to the "how can we make it better next time?" phase. Heh, we're here to grow, but I remember the first time I received criticism on something I wrote. "Don't they realize how hard that was just to post? What do they expect? Sheesh. (wail) I'll never post agaiiiiiin....." I guess I felt like I'd hesitantly held my baby up to be admired, and they said, "that's great, but" and then proceeded to take turns doing circumsion, nose-jobs, and other surguries! Hugs. My only thing would be this... I've been trying to go through a lot of posts lately, catching up and such. When they're untitled, and don't even have a meaningful description line, I have problems finding them again! I think it might be because I'm in a hurry so often. I hope it that.... The alternative could be I'm getting senile. But if, as a favor to me?, people could just take their best stab at titling, it would be SUCH a big help to me! Hugs -creaky Ancient Peredhil, he of no vote (and I guess little memory) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elvida Posted June 4, 2003 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 alright! Ayshela: the four-five line thing wasnt deliberate( i think...cause in Science i wasnt really thinking)and yeah...it seems that his/OUR love has no chance of ever coming back Peredhil: I often feel that way actually...its quite creepy...my self confidence in my works isnt that great...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted June 4, 2003 Report Share Posted June 4, 2003 well sympathetic *hugs* for the loss and thanks for gathering your courage and posting it despite the nattering in the back of your head there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasslehoff Posted June 5, 2003 Report Share Posted June 5, 2003 You tried and it came out beautiful Elvida. The things with poems is that they can be any style, can say anything, but if you tried, if you portrayed what you wanted, then you did a good jon. I like this poem a lot. It speaks loudly due to the understanding of loosing someones love and not gaining it back.. But as my mom said to me & I will repeat onto you: There are many many more fish in the sea So cheer up girl, all will be well, I promise.. Chat with you sometime? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gjunon Posted June 6, 2003 Report Share Posted June 6, 2003 a very well written peace lots of raw emotions good job i like it they way it is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanz Posted June 6, 2003 Report Share Posted June 6, 2003 v powerful and moving. i like! Nice Job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elvida Posted June 7, 2003 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2003 THANK YA guyz...and gals... i appreciate your comments Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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