SoaringIcarus Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 Tell me if I’m okay Don’t know if I’m Okay Put your hand on my forehead Your palm on my cheek …don’t Know if I’m okay Cold sweat: Shivering through a hot pad. Your fulfilling embrace; Piercing look Falling sideways, We won’t show Eachother our dirty jeans. No you wouldn’t tell me If you weren’t "Okay?" "I'm not. / I understand. / I don't know if you will be. / I guess." [i did not know what to say.] I don't see your beat-up Shoes anymore. Unbrushed hair Anymore. How long till I can't see your face anymore? Just the makeup you put on To defend kisses From me in unclean jeans. Not okay.... It's not okay, no matter how pretty you make yourself Look, I won't be. Scripted blinks in blue eye-shadow Kick me out onto a dusty road: You will soon ressurect the beat-up shoes While me and my unclean jeans Fade out as mirage. "Know": '[i... / Don't... / ... You...] ' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tralla Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 ooooh... *takes a moment to drool* I'll do a full analysis tomorrow. Just had to drool tonight, though. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Silverblade Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 *blinks* I hope you don't mind if I follow Tralla's lead. I don't know where to start with analysis, or if I'd want to... I'd rather just read in awe. This is a great poem Soaring Icarus. I'm sorry I haven't read more of your work, I shall have to if it's all this good. Keep working, keep writing, and please keep sharing. - Justin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 I, on the other hand, will retreat behind Ancient Senility status, and just skip analysis to say I enjoyed this very much. Ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 *Takes the elders way out * I liked it very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted April 22, 2003 Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 i LOVE this! i love the way the last line kind of bleeds into the first line of the next verse, responding to and modifying both what came before and what comes after. The alternate meanings interwoven - this is wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoaringIcarus Posted April 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2003 I was afraid this would happen. I suppose I did get a bit punctuation happy, ala E.e. Cummings. Allow me to at least explain the following stanzas: "Okay?" "I'm not. / I understand. / I don't know if you will be. / I guess." [i did not know what to say.] The first line of that begins as an end from "If you weren't okay", completing that idea while also serving as a beginning. The girl asks "Okay?" And depending upon the context, that can be a question or statement of many sorts. That is why the author's responses are separated by slashes, for the different meanings "okay?" might have. Hence, "[i did not know what to say.]" "Know": '[i... / Don't... / ... You...] ' Here's a complicated idea. Alright: Think of a dictionary in looking up a word that has many possible usages, for example the word "up". To display the many ways in which this word may be used, examples will be written, excluding the word itself... I.e. "Throw..." (and where there is an elipses, 'up' can be substituted to derive meaning) or "Wake..." or "Speed..." or "Give..." or "Look..." You get the idea. I suppose I overestimated that everyone on here is as dictionary happy as I. Now. Substitute "know" in each non-bolded elipses to have "I know." "Don't know." "You know" Then, like a letter-scramble, put "know" in the bolded elipses only and you have "I don't know you." The biggest message. And for extra symbolism, incase we didn't have enough already, 'no' within the word "Know" is italicized as a final response to "tell me if I'm okay." The answer is no. Those were the most unusual stanzas I believe. The rest of the poem I feel is self-explanatory, but formed rhythmically, like the halting voice of a man with a fever. Nut shell: Man who is 'not okay' because of his fickle lover who distances their relationship by being increasingly formal with him. He feels as if he's being forgotten and indirectly trivialized. You don't believe in mirages until you see one yourself... He's beginning to feel as if he hasn't been real all along. -Icarus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 26, 2003 Report Share Posted April 26, 2003 oh kewl... I love your structure... It's kewl how you you make the line refer backwards and forwards to ideas and phrases... I do the same sometimes... though maybe not as apparent.... keep soaring... revery the dreamlost "kk koolaid..." (i have no idea) the dream continues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salinye Posted April 26, 2003 Report Share Posted April 26, 2003 I really really enjoyed this, Soaring Icarus. :0) This was a very intelligent peice of work. Thank you for sharing. I have to add, however, that I'm seeing all the little symbols where your quotation marks and apostraphes are. It could just be ME that sees it that way, I seem to be cursed. But, in case it's not just me I thought I'd give you a heads up. If you edit and replace all the apostrophes and quotation marks with new ones then it fixes it. I guess others can tell you if it's only my computer that is seeing your poem that way. :0) ~Salinye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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