lordsmeagol Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 The alley smelled moldy, like so many mongrel animals that scamper away in the heavy dew ridden streets of a large decaying city. Shoes splashing in puddles that filled the holes in the pavement, a rippling of grayed poxed water, showing that this place was losing the constant battle with time. A man walked to the door in the back of the alley; it began to rain as if on cue, a last desperate, futile attempt to wash sin from the city. He looked up. Water hit his face filling the many crevices in his weather-beaten skin that showed age. The sole source of visibility, an overhanging street lamp, exuded more of a glow then illumination. Showing an old rotted wood sign that hung from discolored clay bricks on a crumbling mooring as if to fall when a strong breeze topples it at any moment. The sign looked burnt; paint had mostly fallen off, only a few captions were visible, nothing that could be formed into anything coherent. Moving his attention to the door with new, fresh paint, and steel knob, standing out like a skyscraper in Egypt. With a gloved hand reaching up grasping the doorknob turning and pulling in a slow methodical motion. A dull metallic click “locked”. Stepping back, in a well practice motion, looking around and producing from his coat a bar, thin tipped with a long shaft. Metallic grinding as it slipped between frame and door. Weight shifting as he leans into the bar, a slight grunt escaping his lips. Brick quickly crumbled and frame gave way; the door flew open one hundred-eighty degrees of arc slamming into the opposing wall. Thunder, echoing through the alley out to a deaf city. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Degenero Angelus Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 Both versions are really good. I kinda liked the original better, but that's probably because it seemed more poetic... and I'm a poet. I like the wording better on the new one, but that's to be expected from an older person. I always hate the way my old stuff looks. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 ditto... nice variat though... try expanding it further into a story... rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 This is like a zipped file - each line shows a full picture and story to me. It does feel like an intro instead of complete. Distracted as I am, I had to read it a few times just because of formatting - maybe break up the paragraph a little? Really good stuff. -P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted January 23, 2003 Report Share Posted January 23, 2003 OOo I love writing where the imagery is so intense you sort of lose focus of anything but the scenary. When compared to the original, I think I like this version better. This one appears more mature, more detailed, more dark.. It does feel a bit like an opening to a story and it would be neat to see it expanded as mentioned. Any plans for that in the future? or working on any current projects now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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