A Few Short Poems

[Zepheri]

[Removed by Zepheri's Request]

[reverie]

I'm a little short on time, so I just give you some general comments/advice.

 

Poem 1: Considering rewriting the poem in active voice. Passive voice is fun enough, but active voice is sooo much stronger.

 

Poem 2: Watch your comma use (I make similar mistakes all the time) and puntuation in general.

 

Hmm, break this line and similar:

 

"I remember it / I remember it quite well."

 

Actually consider breaking a few other lines too. The "I remember" motif is neat, but you don't need to relie so heavily upon it.

 

Poem 3: Nice use of imperatives (commands). Although your speech get's a touch archaic. Avoid this unless your roleplaying or writing for a specific archaic persona and even then, use it sparingly.

 

Poem 4: Okay, I get that you don't want to share what's going on behind-the-scenes of this poem, but you must realize that as long as you intentionally bury and hide things in your work like this, NO ONE will understand, but you. If you're happy with that--cool. If not, you may want to consider slowly peeling back the defensive layers guarding your works meaning. Then it's much much easilier for people to connect with you. It took me years to accept this, so you are far from alone.

 

good luck,

 

rev...

[Zepheri]

To: reverie

 

Thank you for you comments. It is always nice to get feedback. A few questions for you though.

1) what is active voice?

2) what is archaic?

 

I hate commas and what not, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one with this problem. I do understand what you mean, I should break-up the "I remember it" parts, it is much easier to read that way. Yes, I did not expect people to ge the poem and it is just for me, but i wanted to let people know that before hand, just incase they wanted to know; to save time on asking.

[reverie]

Active voice?

 

Actually, upon rereading your first poem, I realised that you are using a mix active and passive voice. Hmm, I guess, I wanted it to be more active. Either that or in my haste, I mistook a few "state of being" statements for passive voice. e.g.

 

I’m weak.

I’m unaware.

 

 

Anyway what is active voice? Hmm, well, since, I hesitate to answer this relying on my own knowledge I'll just google it: "what is active voice"

 

 

Web definitions results:

 

# A verb form in which the subject of the verb carries out some action. Example: He hit the ball.

csmp.ucop.edu/crlp/resources/glossary.html

 

# In the active voice, the subject of the verb does the action (eg They killed the President). See also Passive Voice.

www.englishclub.com/grammar/grammar-glossary.htm

 

# a form of the verb showing that the subject is the agent that performs the action expressed in the verb. Example: The boy caught a big fish.

www.biblecentre.net/nt/greek/alex/glo.htm

 

# Indicates the subject is acting rather than being acted upon. Active voice indicates that the subject is acting—doing something. (Benjamin Franklin discovered the secrets of electricity.) See Passive voice

www.armour.k12.sd.us/Mary's%20Classes/literary_terms_glossary.htm

 

# the voice used to indicate that the grammatical subject of the verb is performing the action or causing the happening denoted by the verb; "`The boy threw the ball' uses the active voice"

wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

 

# In grammar, voice is the relationship between the action or state expressed by a verb, and its arguments (subject, object, etc.).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_voice

 

 

Hope that clears that up.

Basic rule of thumb is if you half to use a linking verb like "is or are" then you are not writing in active voice.

 

Like these are all active:

 

My arm will not lift me.

I lay there lifeless on the floor.

The room starts to spin.

My head shoots out pain.

 

And these are passive (I think?):

The words I hear are muffled.

Things are turning dark.

Things are becoming less detailed.

 

Hmm, better google that one too:

 

Definitions of passive voice on the Web:

 

* In the passive voice, the subject receives the action of the verb (eg The President was killed). See also Active Voice.

www.englishclub.com/grammar/grammar-glossary.htm

 

* a form of the verb showing that the grammatical subject is the person or thing to which the action in the verb is done. Often the agent of the action is not specified, so that for one reason or another, the agent may be kept out of focus. Example: Now Jesus, after he was baptized, immediately went up out of the water (MT 3.16).

www.biblecentre.net/nt/greek/alex/glo.htm

 

* Indicates that the subject is being acted upon (eg The secrets of electricity were discovered by Benjamin Franklin.) See Active voice

www.armour.k12.sd.us/Mary's%20Classes/literary_terms_glossary.htm

 

* expresses an action done to a subject. Eg The ball was kicked at last.

tsu.tmb.ru/millrood1/interact/grammar/glossary.htm

 

* the voice used to indicate that the grammatical subject of the verb is the recipient (not the source) of the action denoted by the verb; "`The ball was thrown by the boy' uses the passive voice"; "`The ball was thrown' is an abbreviated passive"

wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

 

* In grammar, voice is the relationship between the action or state expressed by a verb, and its arguments (subject, object, etc.).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_voice

 

*************

 

As far as archaic goes, it means ancient sounding speech (more or less). Or webster's puts it:

 

"having the characteristics of the language of the past and surviving chiefly in specialized uses"

 

So, I'll mark in red what sounds too archaic sounding to me.

 

Leave me great-spirit and never return!

I hold you here no more.

Go back form once you came so long ago.

I wish you here not.

Oh the trouble you have caused me,

and all the pain that came with it.

Take it with you.

You are nothing but a dark cloud over my head.

Be gone you!

Get to your home safely so you may not have to turn back.

I will pray for it to be so.

Loved you I did once.

But now my heart does not.

 

Hope that helps some,

 

rev...

Edited May 18, 2006 by reverie

[Zepheri]

Thank you for your help on this. I understand everything now and can see how you go those ideas. I think I was trying to use archaic vioce in the one poem, as far as active/passive vioce I wasn't intending on either, it just happened. But once agan thank you for your help.

[Dros]

My personal favorite was Poem #3. It kind of reminded me of and Edgar A. Poe piece I read not too long ago. The use of language just brought me back. Excellent Zepheri. I really enjoy your writing!

[NightFae]

I really do like the third poem, aswell. But then, I'm a fan of Poe aswell, so that reads very easily and nicely for me.

 

However, in the fourth poem, I find one thing that just doesn't sound quite right:

"My job isn’t to do this,

It’s to protect."

 

I'd suggest maybe thinking about changing it to something like:

"My job isn't this,

My job is to protect."

 

And the next line:

"But in a weird way I guess by doing this it is protecting."

 

Might sound a bit better like this:

"But in a weird way, I guess this is protecting."

Just to shorten it up a bit, to fit the rest of the poem.

 

Hope it's helpful, if not, sorry.

Just a bit of advice.

Overall, nice work.

Please post more! I enjoy reading your work.

 

-Fae

[Zepheri]

To: NightFae and Dros

 

Thank you both for your advice. I'm glad you like my work. I will look out for your stories, poems, what have you as well.

I also love Poe. I can relate to Poe in the fact that all of his works are sad, or horror stories. That is mostly what I right, along with fantasy.

Once again thank you both.

[Dros]

Glad to help!

[NightFae]

Absolutely NO problem, my dear. I hope it comes of some use to you.

And yes...Poe rocks.

 

Like I said, post more! You're a fantastic writer!

 

-Fae

Edited May 22, 2006 by NightFae

[Zepheri]

Absolutely NO problem, my dear. I hope it comes of some use to you.

And yes...Poe rocks.

 

Like I said, post more! You're a fantastic writer!

 

-Fae

Thank you Fae . I think I'm an okay writer, I still need more work. If you want to read more, I posted a story (Dragon Stones.) on here, perhaps, if you want too, you can take a look.

[Ayshela]

okay, a few things which haven't been brought up yet...

 

#1 -

I feel like everything is going back on it’s self.

it's = it is

its = something belongs to it

 

There lips move but no sound comes forth.

there = a place

their = something belongs to them

 

dose

I gather you mean does here? fairly common typo. =)

 

 

#2 - I agree with rev about breaking up the "I remember" lines, and not leaning on it quite so hard. You could fairly easily break this into sets of lines leading with "I remember" but not having that repeated for two or three lines as you describe what you remember.

 

#3 -

 

Go back form once you came so long ago.

I *think* what you mean here is "from whence you came"... as far as archaic, the one explanation which has stuck in my mind for years is that "If it sounds like something Yoda would say, it's archaic. Rephrase it." heh.

 

 

#4 -

 

You might be surprised at how much empathy you'd find if you let yourself flesh this out into something clearly reachable for more people.

 

I *really* like these lines.

My job isn't to do this,

It's to protect.

But in a weird way I guess by doing this it is protecting.