blain Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 (edited) Pretty ones: Yes, it's me again. I know it's been a long time since I wrote last -- 19 years now. More than half my life. I decided to write this because I'm finding that I'm seeing you differently, and I thought you should know. When I wrote you before, I was 18. In other words, young and dumb. I was so struck with how perfect looking you were. How great it felt to see you and think about you. It was electric. Except when I found that you didn't see me the same way. I wrote that all down in that poem I called Pretty One. I finished up asking if you could see me at all. With the water that's flowed under the bridge since then, I've learned a lot. I have daughters of my own who are among you, actually. And I've thought a lot about what it must be like when virtually ever male who sees you wants something from you (something in particular). I've also thought about how you are like me -- you like pretty people and want to be with/around them too. And I'm not pretty. I'm not something a cat would bury in the sand, but I look nothing like anybody on those "hottest" lists. The closest person to me on those lists would be Jeff Goldblum -- tall and geeky, without Geena Davis. Just like I look past average-to-less-attractive girls to look at you, you look past me to look at the Brad Pitts of the world. It still hurts, mind you, but I understand it better now. Oh, I spent many years obsessing over you. That's what I was trained to do -- obsess, infatuate, lust after. Those of you who have done modelling and acting did a lot for building up those obsessions, infatuations and lust-fests, and those of you who work so hard to look like them drew that attention toward yourselves. It got really unhealthy there, because I wasn't really responding to you, I was responding to fantasy people I made up in my head who looked like you (and your clothes, hair, makeup, etc.). I didn't know most of you enough to have any idea of who you were. Models are hired to sell products, not to enlighten or build up those who view them. The reactions I was having were intentional -- not your intentions, those who paid to put the images in front of me. And the look that's presented for me to look at centers on girls about 15-19, or young women who look like they're 15-19. Well, after quite a bit of work, I've found that lusting doesn't do me any good, that obsessing and infatuating waste my time, and that comfortable fantasies are far more destructive than harsh realities. I've learned that those reactions I have are natural, but that I don't need to follow up on them in any fashion. Particularly, I've learned that it's okay to like looking at you. I like looking at sunsets. I like looking at mountains and at the sea. I like looking at cute little kids and at pretty women. I coined the term "kid crush" to describe the feelings I had for cute little kids in my life -- a totally non-sexual attraction one feels when looking at those adorable little kids in the mall or in the movies. And I found that it fits when I'm looking at older and older "kids." Including many of you -- especially the 15-19 year olds. And it feels better. Lots better. I've let go of that "if only..." thing at the back of my mind when talking to you. It's not about pursuit. I'm not looking for your attention or a response from you when I run into you on the bus or at the mall. I'm just enjoying the view. I'm looking at your face, hair, and basic shape, rather than trying to look down your shirt. I'm not staring for minutes on end. I'm not trying to come up with a line. I'm not going to try to follow you anywhere or get your phone number. I'm not going to try to touch you. I'm not fantasizing about what I'd like to do to you -- for heaven's sake, many of you could be my daughter. The fact that you're pretty doesn't give us anything to talk about, so I'm not going to try to make something up to grab some of your time and attention. I say all this because I've learned, since I asked 19 years ago, that you do, in fact, see me. Being tall and geeky means that I'm tall, and noticeable in a crowd for that reason. And, in noticing, you notice that I'm looking at you, and you don't seem to like it very much. So I want you to know that I'm just looking and not lusting, so, perhaps, could some of you withhold the look that you think I'm a stalker/rapist/serial killer? It gets old. I recognize that my approach is not the same as many or most guys -- they really do want to talk to you and touch you and stuff. I'm not suggesting you suddenly trust every guy who seems to be appreciating your face, hair or basic shape. I'm asking you to hold off on glaring until after they've done something more offensive than just looking at you. I think that takes care of it. At this rate, when I write again, I'll be writing to your daughters/granddaughters, and reminiscing about the good old days when genitals were covered with clothing. Scary to think about. Keep smiling, and take care of yourselves, Blain Edited May 19, 2004 by blain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 Clothes? Clothes? *Confused look* What the heck are those? Seriously though, I like this. Alaeha tosses the new applicant and his application into a box labeled "Fragile! This Side Up! Express Mail!", stamps it, and mails the box off to Wyvern; hopefully, the Almost-Dragon won't scar this one too badly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blain Posted May 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 I suppose I ought to introduce myself a bit, and discuss why I'm here. I'm Blain. I'm here because I'm interested in doing some editorial/column style writing, and I understand from my sources that this is a good place to come for feedback on writing style. At some point in the process, I hope to submit my columns for publication, but I want a space to hone the craft a bit before I do so. I should be clear that I'm looking for feedback on how these articles are written, and how they can be improved as writing, rather than discussion of their content (although that can be fun too, I admit). I tend to prefer feedback that is rather direct in style, and that gives reasons. I deeply love my own writing, but I understand the need for revising and rewriting. I do better with "This sentence is fun, but extraneous, so cut it or merge it with another" than with "this is good, but a little wordy." And I accept that I am not likely to get exactly what I want, which may be what I need or may not. Y'all don't have to be what I wish you were. This doesn't have to be a perfect fit for me. If there's a better space for me to hang out, I'm okay with that too. Just let me know. Take care, Blain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 Blain, we're happy to have you, no matter what you do here. I really enjoyed reading your applicaion. Since im still lusting over the prettys, its interesting to hear someone look back at what im living. Maybe someday I'll be thinking what you're thinking. In the meantime, i'm having to much fun lusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 I enjoy this type of writing. And I must say that you do it quite well. I also like the overall feel of the piece and the message that you're trying to convey. It's time that America got a little more trusting and a little more conservative again. Thank you for applying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted May 19, 2004 Report Share Posted May 19, 2004 Welcome, Blain. I really enjoyed the piece. I am actually happy to be a female in the somewhere-below-beautiful category. Rejoice, women of the world, if you are one of 95% who are there, for it means that somewhat less than 95% of men are looking at you. I wasn't reading the piece originally with editting / feedback in mind, so there won't be very much, but I did have trouble with a few sentences... most of them in this paragraph: I recognize that my approach is not the same as many or most guys -- they really do want to talk to you and touch you and stuff. I'm not suggesting you suddenly trust every guy who seems to be appreciating your face, hair or basic shape. I'm just asking that you wait until they actually do something besides look before you glare. I kept getting caught in the sentences here and reading them the wrong way, then having to backtrack to get the right meaning. I'm not even quite sure how to articulate what I mean, but I'll use the last sentence, where the alternate path is most obvious (which means I can find it upon a second reading ) to show you. Original: I'm just asking that you wait until they actually do something besides look before you glare. Still a little odd: I'm just asking that you wait to glare until they actually do something besides look. Better? I'm just asking for you to delay glaring until they actually do something other than looking. I think my difficulty is in the number of verbs that you're trying to use, maybe. Anyway, I'm glad your "sources" brought you here, I will look forward to reading more of your stuff, and trying to be more useful than this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blain Posted May 19, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2004 Thanks everybody for the welcome and feedback thus far. It is helpful. Katzaniel -- I have found that much more than 5% of women are beautiful. I worked in retail (discount retail) for 14 years, so I've seen a pretty decent cross-section of the population. Mind you, my criteria may be a bit different than yours. I know what you mean about those sentences. They bugged me at the time -- I was getting tired about then. Your suggestions are certainly more clear than what I wrote, but they're not my voice. Let me try this way: I'm just asking you to wait until they actually do something besides simply looking at you before you glare. or I'm just asking you to hold your glaring until after they've done something more offensive than looking at you. The latter is more along the lines of your "Better" option structurally, but the word choice is more like mine. I'll let this simmer overnight. I may make that change then in the top of the thread. This is useful feedback. I'm generally concerned about flow and clarity, especially when I'm writing in this conversational tone. Thanks again, folk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted May 19, 2004 Report Share Posted May 19, 2004 My hat is off to you Sir, on many levels. I am very glad to have you apply here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted May 19, 2004 Report Share Posted May 19, 2004 Hmmm.... I've found perhaps 5% of women who aren't beautiful... but then, perhaps I have different criteria? The most beautiful woman I've ever met wasn't pretty at all - but within 5 minutes of knowing her, it's hard to recall anyone who still noticed that. Two-cents Peredhil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 Wyvern quietly sneaks into the Recruiter's Office through one of the back windows and slowly advances towards his desk, hopping into his seat and bowing to all who are present in the Office. Picking up the "Fragile! This Side Up! Express Mail!" box containing blain's application, the overgrown lizard turns the package upsidedown and shakes it a few times, then whips a crowbar out from underneath his desk and clobbers the package until it eventually tears open and is reduced to shreds. Belching a few flames and plucking blain's application from the remnants of the box, the reptilian Elder carefully reads it over, then rudely exclaims: "I'll accept this piece... as soon as it gains a bit of Almost Dragonic flair! Luckily, you have me around to egoistically edit it to acceptable perfection." "W-w-what?" starts blain. "B-but I-" Before blain can continue, Wyvern whips out an Almost Dragonic Brand Editting Pen and sets about adjusting the piece in a nearly illegible scrawl. Pretty ones: Yes, it's me, Wyvern, your sexy Almost Dragonic savior, again. I know it's been a long time since I wrote last -- 19 years minutes now,and counting. More Less than half the tiniest fraction of my life, I might add. I decided to write this because I'm finding that I'm seeing you differently, and I thought you should know ...is that geld in your purse, or are you just happy to see me? When I wrote you before, I was 18 minutes into a scheme. In other words, young and dumb just as devious as ever. I was so struck with how perfect looking you were, and how those looks might be perfect for charming the feds. How great it felt to see you and think about you and your money. It was electric. Except when I found that you didn't see me the same way. I wrote that all down in that poem I called Pretty One "Scoping Your Features While Trying to Avoid the Feds". I finished up asking if you could see me at all by noting how you secretly worshipped me, though you always denied it. With the water booze that's flowed under the bridge since then, I've learned a lot... of debt. I have daughters of my own who are among you, actually. And I've thought a lot about what it must be like when virtually ever male who sees you wants something from you (something in particular). I've also thought about how you are secretly like me -- you like pretty people and want to be with/around them too. And I'm not extraordinarily pretty. I'm not something a cool cat would bury dig up from in the sand at a nude beach, but and I look nothing like anybody on those "hottest" lists... my gorgeous scales exceed those carbon copy clones in sexiness. The closest person to me on those lists would be Jeff Goldblum Orlan. -- tall and geeky, without Geena Davis. Just like I look past average-to-less-attractive girls to look at you, you look past up to me to look at worship the Brad Pitts the Greatest Schemer of the world. It still hurts The schemes still don't work, mind you, but I understand it them better now. Oh, I've spent many years obsessing over you geld. That's what I was trained to do -- obsess, infatuate, lust after. Those of you who have done modelling and acting did a lot for building up those obsessions, infatuations and lust-fests, and those of you who work so hard to look like them drew that attention toward yourselves. It got really unhealthy there, because I wasn't really responding to you, I was responding to fantasy people I made up in my head who looked like you (and your clothes, hair, makeup, etc.). I didn't know most of you enough to have any idea of who you were. Models are hired to sell products, not and therefore to enlighten or and build up those who view them. The reactions I was having were intentional -- not your intentions, those who paid to put the images in front of me. And the look that's presented for me to look at centers on girls with about 15-19 years of supporting themselves financially, or young women who look like they're 15-19. Well, after quite a bit of work, I've found that lusting doesn't does me any good just fine, that obsessing and infatuating waste are meant to consume my time, and that comfortable fantasies are far achievable through more destructive than harsh realities. I've learned that those reactions I have are natural, but that I don't need to follow up on them in any fashion. Particularly, I've learned that it's okay to like looking at you. I like looking at sunsets geld. I like looking at mountains and at the sea. I like looking at cute little kids and at pretty women. I coined the term "kid crush" to describe the feelings I had for experience of crushing cute little kids with canes to steal their lollipops -- a totally non-sexual attraction one feels when looking at those adorable little kids lollipops in the mall or in the movies. And I found that it fits when I'm looking at older and older "kids." lollipops... in fact, I'll eat just about anything. Including many of you -- especially the 15-19 year olds. And it feels tastes better. Lots better. I'vell never let go of that "if only..." thing at the back of my mind when talking to you. It's not all about pursuit and expenses. I'm not looking for your attention or a response from you when I run into you on the bus or at the mall Quincuinox!. I'm not just enjoying the view. I'm looking at your face, hair, and basic shape, rather than but am still focussing on trying to look down your shirt. I'm not staring for minutes on end... or at least until I get slapped. I'm not desperatly trying to come up with a line. I'm not going to try to follow you anyeverywhere or to get your phone number. I'm not going to try to touch you. I'm not fantasizing about what I'd like to do to you -- for heaven's sake, many of you could be my daughter rich!. The fact that you're pretty doesn't give us anything to talk about, so I'm not going to try to make something up to grab some of your time and attention let's just get down to business. I say all this because I've learned, since I asked 19 years ago, that you do, in fact, see me. Being tall and geeky means that I'm tall, and noticeable in a crowd for that reason. And, in noticing, you notice that I'm looking at you, and you don't seem to like it very much. So I want you to know that I'm just looking and not[ lusting, so, perhaps, could some of you withhold the look that you think I'm a stalker/rapist/serial killer? It gets old. Drat, ah well... I recognize that my approach is not the same as many or most guys... but they don't have nifty horns like I do. -- they really do want to talk to you and touch you and stuff. I'm not suggesting you suddenly trust every guy who seems to be appreciating your face, hair or basic shape. I'm asking you to hold off on glaring until after theyI've done something more offensive than just looking at you. I think that takes care of it. At this rate, when I write again, I'll be writing to your daughters/granddaughters, and reminiscing about the good old days when genitals were covered with clothing. Scary to think about. Keep smiling, and take care of yourselves, Blain Wyv- Blain's eyes widen as he reads over the editted draft, until eventually he manages to choke: "Mr. Wyvern... this was not quite what I had in mind when I mentioned that I wanted 'feedback that is direct in style.'" Upon noticing the editted Almost Dragonic draft, Peredhil immediatly wipes off the editting ink with a tissue, breathing a sigh of relief at the faulty nature of the Almost Dragonic Brand Editting Pen. At the same time, Melba points an Anti-wyvern mallet at the sinister Elder of Initiates, causing him to immediatly stamp blain's application piece ACCEPTED. ;-) OOC: On a more serious note, a well written application piece blain. Certainly acceptable, welcome to the Mighty Pen! I look forward to not only providing (slightly more serious) feedback for you, but also to participating with you in various group projects. Once again, welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blain Posted May 20, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 Wyvern -- Thank you for the welcome, the acceptance, and that wild ride through my application. That was fun. I think this will be a good thing. Now I just need to do some more writing. Take care, Blain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 *Almost dies laughing* I love it! Well, them. Both versions. Congratulations on being made an acception. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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