Peredhil Posted December 12, 2003 Report Share Posted December 12, 2003 (From the internet, original author unknown. I really shouldn't be here, but just had to share this. -P ) Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate, Original: Had a very shiny nose ... Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre. Original: And if you ever saw him ... Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view, Original: You would even say it glows ... Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities. Original: All of the other reindeer ... Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community, Original: Used to laugh and call him names ... Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable. Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ... Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species. Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ... Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year... Original: Santa came to say ... Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the super-saturated, humid air. Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ... Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic. Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist. Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ... Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship. Original: And they shouted out with glee ... Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor, Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ... Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage, Original: You'll go down in history! Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tralla Posted December 12, 2003 Report Share Posted December 12, 2003 More seasonal silliness (might as well add it here, instead of spamming the Cab with half a dozen different threads...) SANTA CLAUS: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is atleast one good child in each..... Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, eath whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.....Assuming that each of these 108 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.... The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tonnes, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the 'flying' reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tonnes, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch)... 600,000 tonnes travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vapourized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.... Not that it matters, however since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4, 315, 015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.... Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Silverblade Posted December 12, 2003 Report Share Posted December 12, 2003 LOL These are GREAT! Thanks so much for sharing! - Justin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted December 12, 2003 Report Share Posted December 12, 2003 Ahh... but does the quivering blob of pink goo shake like a... err... a lump of jelly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Celes Crusader Posted December 13, 2003 Report Share Posted December 13, 2003 Incidentally, the appendice where a masse of nerves cell is enclosed is suffering a form of discomfort. I must say that all this politically correctness hurts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xaious, Master of Time Posted December 13, 2003 Report Share Posted December 13, 2003 This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, eath whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house... Which explains why the old man is fat. So little time to properly digest his horribly unhealthy food. I think we should count on the Annual Gift Man instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
X-Sabre Posted December 13, 2003 Report Share Posted December 13, 2003 Hahaha, love'em both. Anyone think my pinky will quit being numb by Christmas? Maybe Santa will bring a miracle? er, if only I knew why it was numb.. Bad pinky bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted December 16, 2003 Report Share Posted December 16, 2003 ~ I'm probably going to annoy some political correct, write-everything-out-full-and-don't-use-irc(dash)chat-language-on-this-forum-people now.. Look away if faint of heart and member of this association (which I have no problem with at all incidentally.. the writing things out full thing, not the faint of heart.. although people have a right to that too ofcourse... my head hurts) Continuing transmission related to the two stories(dash)written entertainment mentioned above and my reaction to both of them... ~ ... LMAO! ... ROFL!! ... ~ Just had to express myself in this mannerism at this point in time .. end of transmission, Happy Holidays all! *biggest hug yet* ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savannah Posted December 18, 2003 Report Share Posted December 18, 2003 *smiles* This seems to be a good place for a history lesson The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" (We all know what he said) And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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