WrenWind Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 no laughter here not even a smile the sun has gone down So dark lasts for miles throw the bottle away just swallow the bile sweet nothing comes fast cheek hugging the tiles close your eyes now and become just a file Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 I like this... But what's the bit with the last line? Pardon my ignorance, but it makes no sense to me. and become just a file It seems a bit unclear. Only other suggestion I've got, really, is to capitalize and punctuate. It seems really good to me. *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 I really like this poem, particularly the visual imagery of being drunk.... " Sweet nothing comes fast cheek hugging the tiles" These lines stand out to me. Perhaps the phraseology....perhaps because your style meshes with mine in some ways. I like this. I will not make suggestions right now, unless you want any. You have a strong suit in writing both poetry and stories! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted September 30, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 a police file . not a bottle of booze but a bottle of pills Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 Meep. Umm. I could see this. And you'd better have let out all *THOSE* feelings. I'm not gonna lose my tea-partner! Hugs and holds on no matter what. When you feel unloved - just look out a bit further. Koan: what is virtual but real? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 *hugs* i like this. you have a knack for swirling your hand through the emotions, grasping them and displaying them for view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted October 6, 2003 Report Share Posted October 6, 2003 Very graphic but subtle imagery Wren. I must admit I had to read your reply explaining the "file" last line before I got it. I figured the bottle was booze too but that cause the other isn't written about nearly as often. Good work, good read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted October 7, 2003 Report Share Posted October 7, 2003 Sorciere pokes her tongue out and states proudly that she got the file message before she read the explanation. Collecting her gold star, she promptly returns to commenting. I really liked the graphic style of this one, especially: cheek hugging the tiles Great image, I almost felt the coldness of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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