Wylde Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 Through these eyes I see your soul With my dispise My hate grows whole In my voice You hear my pain Now it's your choice To pick in vane It's time to decide Do i continue to hate My heart has died But i still do wait Wylde Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 Welcome! This has a lot of potential... But I can see room for some work. The last stanza shows the most, to me... It's a bit rough. If I may suggest... With changes in bold: Time to decide: shall I still hate? My heart has died, Yet still I wait. Sorry... I'm big on syntax (Punctuation, spelling, etc). It's my opinion that you shouldn't leave people guessing as to how you're saying something, so that they can focus on deciding what you're saying. Just my opinions. Anyway, welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wylde Posted September 19, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 Thank you for your suggestion , it means a lot to me . I'm new at writing poems so any help i cant get is great Wylde Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 Welcome aboard, keep up the good work. Don't mind me, I never offer any helpful suggestions. But I can be very good at patting people on the back if I feel they deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 Heh, I'll pat you on the back simply because you have the courage to post! I remember my fears about posting, how I simply *knew* I had no talent, and the anticipation of pain I'd feel when the skilled established poets would "do a nose-job on my baby" without anathesia. Then when they liked it - I felt like a fraud, sure that the next piece would be the one that revealed me... Now I've learned to smile and say, "thank you", answering my failure to reach the perfection for which I yearn with the warmth of my Pen friend's approval. It's nice to have a place where the corrections are suggestions on how to become better, not attempts to show-off the ego of the critc at a poster's expense. Oh, yes - I'm glad you posted this, and look forward to you posting more. Don't be held back by fears of spelling and such - it's important to get the feeling, image, or inspiration out of you and down on paper, and *then* start fixing it up. Getting past that inner critic, as Elder Wyvern reminded me earlier tonight, is essential. Welcome to the Pen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 A very good first attempt Wylde, already picturing an image in my head tells me you certainly have potential.. but I also like Alaeha's suggestion, if only just for letting it flow more, so the image won't shatter.. am I making sense? Probably not lol By Peredhil: Then when they liked it - I felt like a fraud, sure that the next piece would be the one that revealed me... Aye, that's me at the moment! I hate it! lol It's nice to have a place where the corrections are suggestions on how to become better, *nod* that's why I am still here.. *hugs Wylde* Welcom to the boards! I hope your stay here wil be as pleasant as mine so far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted September 20, 2003 Report Share Posted September 20, 2003 Welcome to the Pen! An emotional and heartfelt first post here. Short and sweet. Out of curiosity, does your name refer to Oscar Wilde? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wylde Posted September 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2003 No my name doesnt refer to oscar wilde , i just spell wild differently and i like it Wylde Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chanz Posted September 22, 2003 Report Share Posted September 22, 2003 HEY! i really really really liked this piece! Keep up the great work! Nice Job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepless Posted September 22, 2003 Report Share Posted September 22, 2003 Great job! I have one suggestion and that is to say that I would hesitate to a word such as 'Hate' more than once in a poem that short. It's pretty common poetry wise, and whilst it's quite punchy and accesses immediate emotive images, it comes with the disadvantage that the reader will almos certainly notice such a repitition - and therefore possibly take a line of thinking that the author lacks creativity; something you don't want. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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