sleepless

Love it. It's one of life's simple pleasures when your mind gets left behind by a unexpected phrase and you become momentatrily disorientated by words. Heh, not wishing to argue with sweetcherrie, but I felt the perspective change was fine. If anything it threw me even further off-track ('scuse the pun) and really left me unprepared for those last two lines. One reads so much poetry these days that does all the right things and makes all the right noises, but seems to be missing that single killer punch. Well.. this one punched me Cheers.

Words fail, knees knock, Shoulders sag as I take stock. Storm dies, shouting breaks, Fingers start the nervous shakes, Swallow once, sick feeling still, Lake of despair begins to fill. Panting sight, un-stifled moan, Feet and legs now made of stone. Breathing rushed, cold teeth bare, Misery’s grin returns the stare. Heartbeat racing, eyes are bright, Tears will drown this lonely night! Tragic at start, tragic to end, Another wound that will not mend. Standing silent, sobs begin, Why don’t we ever seem to win? Oh! What drama! Oh! what pain! We’ve gone and lost to France again! (for the England rugby team and all who sail her, with regard to another dismal weekend)

That's rather nice Loki The "Contorting my mouth..... " part stood out in particular, and it's a pretty neat way to carry the poem forwards by employing one word lines. Not absolutely sure about the title though. 'Where I am' gives me the impression of something slightly more static than motion the poem suggests. Great job though.

That's really good. I loved how you broke up the lines in the second half of the second stanza (was that intentional? or did it 'write itself' (sorry if that sounds stupid) that way?), how you can't read it flowingly but instead are forcefully moved into the restlessness that is not being able to sleep. Actually the entire second stanza is really well crafted piece of poetry - the each person 'pondering their role' being a very poweful way to finish it. I'd never really given it much thought before, but it's true that in those long hours that we all sometimes get when we're trying to sleep, often our thoughts do tend towards the What Am I Doing Here? theme. (edited for spellings)

That's brilliantly haunting and in a way a little too true to life! Somtimes old acquaitances are determined to put on a show of false cheeriness about their situation and are so awfully unconvincing that it's actually really uncomfortable to talk to them for any length of time. I think that to some extent everyone may be guilty of it though. When meeting someone who you've not seen for a long time there's often a temptation to say how well life's been in the interim. And if life hasn't been so brilliant, then for want of something positive to say it's possible slight exageration may happen. Maybe it's an aspect of human nature to try to find good in everything, however unhelpful and blinding it can be! Heh, sorry for nearly launching into a commentary on the pressures of social values. It's a great poem.

No comments needed. Corkin' stuff!

After what you'd said about how long it took to find a title, I was getting wrorried when I'd got to the second verse and had no idea why you'd called it that. Which just goes to remind me that I shouldn't judge a poem untill I've read all of it. Thanks for teaching me a lesson there That last stanza was awesome. Bleeding, Withering, Suffocating (sic) - all highly impactive yet uncommon (ok - bleeding maybe not quite so) words that somehow seem like they were made to go with together. And then the last two lines add the twist of irony (excuse the crap expression) and make the title.. well.. a little more understandable! Oh Oh! At the end of the first part you've got a 'just how' where a 'how' would fit in much better, as well as taking away a qualifying word that could be confused with the magnitude of the 'hurting'. Is the pain suffered inconcievable? To me, 'just how much it hurts' somehow implies it's still somewhere on the scale! It is however a minor point, and not something to lose sleep over. Great poem - keep up the good work!

[apologies for bring another old topic to the top] Really great poem. I found it hinged around the "Face to face" line; without it, the poem would have less impact - but with it, the reader immediately gets to know what it is you're aiming at. I always find it interesting how a couple of words (in this case three) can make a poem really stand out. Nice name btw

yo Loki Hows things? To be honest the first poem wasn't my type, so I'll skip straight to the second if thats ok. I have to say I like it - a phrase which I'm sure gets used too much round here but even so - and especially the forth verse; primarily because I always try to rhyme "pain" with "rain" or "disdain" or "shame" .. etc.. and so it was rather refreshing to see a different word used - indeed, one that could be linked more closely to the subject of hurt emotion (apologies if I go too deep!) One small thing that I did pick up on, was the way in which the first four verses are in the future tense - something that the subject and you are going to do rather than what you are currently doing. Thus, the first line of the second stanza could possibly do with correction - eg; -- Trying to say what words can not becomes Trying to say what words will not, -- This in turn, means that the rhythm in the rest of the verse can be shaped towards the other parts of the poem. Where before; "can't"s couldn't be turned to "cannots" for fear of repition, they now can be and the verse can be better balanced - if that is an aim. Obviously this is your poem, and I think it's pretty good already; but a lot of the time with poetry things need revising a few times before completion. Cheerio.

apologies for bringing an old thread to the top the last two verses are something special, especially the ending "I vainly try, with no success, to hold onto this night." sometimes, when reading poems, lines leap out at me as being absolutely perfect, and it was to that group that those belonged. An absolutley enchanting ending. However, if I could draw your attention to the first stanza. You've got three lines ending with the same sound here, which starts the reader off on the wrong beat, and giving them a confused outlook on the structure of the poem (stanzas 2 & 3 both having just lines 2 and 4 do the rhyming). Despite it appearing easier to change 'tonight' to something else, I would be tempted to try fiddling with the 'night' and 'frights' as a plural/singular rhyming never seems to sit too comfortably anyway. how about (and I apologise if this is taking it too far in the other diriction) Sleep silently tonight Between the sheets, my dear, And harbor only wishes No worry, no care or fear just a suggestion though, I very much like it as it is. BTW, is the name-that-song thing still open? Gotta love Bob Dylan

heya loki not a bad poem, but i think you're far too wrorried about breaking the structure. for instance, that last verse would have been miles better if the third line had been split either side of the comma. without it, the reader get's uncomfortable that they aren't reading it properly. write it as it flows, not for it to look better on the page good luck and all.. i'll catch up with you on IRC sometime.

Nice poem Loki, although I have difficulty with the wrong/dawn bit. Maybe it's accent orientated

Individually I found each verse breathtakingly beautiful. But together, well... let me just take the repeated words from each stanza and put them next to each other. silvery walls. the mist. watery cave. See what I mean? Some words/phrases flow together, and some don't. Admittedly it isn't helped by the fact that the middle set is to syllables shorter than the other two.. maybe that's something to look into? In your poem, it's vital that they smoothly go from one to the next; because once the reader gets into the pattern of the poem, it stops being read as individual stanzas. Putting a new two words to be repeated (I loved the repeating btw) that are so different from the last one breaks up the natural course of the reading. I think - I hope - that you'd find it less 'annoying' if you could get the verses to work together Best of Luck.

Great job! I have one suggestion and that is to say that I would hesitate to a word such as 'Hate' more than once in a poem that short. It's pretty common poetry wise, and whilst it's quite punchy and accesses immediate emotive images, it comes with the disadvantage that the reader will almos certainly notice such a repitition - and therefore possibly take a line of thinking that the author lacks creativity; something you don't want. Good luck.