Mardrax

*grin* I like. I love how you keep on displaying a knack of building strength through repitition, without feeling like you're repeating yourself. If I would be giving you any tips, it'd be to experiment some with structure and formatting. Play around with punctuation, capitalisation and other stylistical elements. For example in this piece, does every sentence really need that comma at the end? That capital at the start? Does every sentence need the line break where it is? Does every letter need to be the same boring typeset that you've used before? Straight, unbolded? Or could it do with a little taste of Italics? What effect do all of these elements have? What would be the effect if you omitted them, or replaced? You're showing a very firm grasp of the formatting structure you've used in mostly the same form as you've used in all your works on here, of delivering content as is - simple and effective. Breaking out of that mold may make your grasp even firmer.

Glad indeed. Powerfull stuff, this. Again, nice use of repetition through different moods to drive a point home. The "really fast" seems out of place to me though. In tone, mostly.

Very nice indeed James. I like how the recurring parts make up a structure, with continually shifting meanings. It reinforces the whole, which might be somewhat cliche, into a really powerful piece. The closing "And you will.." enforces that empowerment quite nicely. Well done ^^

I love the flow in this, how seamlessly you keep every line flowing into the next, without a real need for pause to switch meter, while still switching from time to time. How there's a certain rising and falling in between the not-quite-separate verses. The ending too. Powerful image, without falling out of tone with the rest. Only thing that doesn't really work, -in the way I read it, anyway- is the "conglomeration". I think it just falls out of tone a bit, complexity-wise, being the only 3+ syllable word. Be sure to keep those dreams bubbling Dego. I love the froth that bubbles over every time you toss some more wood on the fire.

In the words that this column taught me recently: "Stop biscuiting!" Also, you might just be right. Or you might not. Does it matter? Find what you're looking for, and enjoy the find. In any case, thanks for the comment. ^^

Right. Long time none of my melodrama. Have some I'm not content with the lack of structure in this, then again, I still feel falling to and from structure is something that reflects the way my mind works well. There's a couple of other things I don't really like as well. May be coming back to this when I feel like it. Feedback is, as always, highly appreciated. ~~~~ I could tell you a thousand times about limbs doing things while I sleep I could give you a thousand lines and I still wouldn't blame you if you told me you found me a creep I hate myself for that. Since if I'd tell you a thousand times about limbs doing things while I sleep I wouldn't be giving you all of the truth I tried to hold you, of course Consciously? Very much so. I tried a tentative hand hoping you'd hold it and never let go Hoping you'd take the thousand butterflies you'd poked up that day, and heed their existence You turned away though And so did I giving me no option but to rock them to sleep myself Yet butterflies will flutter and butterflies won't listen as you told me and I found out, waking to you pushing me off Until that hazy light of afternoon, shining in, boiling me out, giving some shine to the curls that framed your sleeping face "Like a cherub", I thought, "had brown been the next blonde" Still, like that cherub, you quickly absconded And I couldn't blame you. 'Cause if I gave you a thousand lines You still wouldn't want to share these butterflies with me

Lol. Great stuff here P. Does 'pride before the fall' realy mix into the 'Should I post?' philosophy though?

If writing hadn't been fun, us lot wouldn't have been here, wouldn't have been us lot, even. And getting the rythm prescribed is like getting three quarters of your job done for you

*grin* Love the little touches. And without fail, blaming the booze (or lack thereof) is the way to go for everything

Well. Here you go Jason. I really didn't have time to get to this sooner. It's not a very solid attempt, I admit. But it's more of a social comment anyway. Still, feel welcome to use it if you still want to do this ^^ Here goes: Beat the eraser You'd think that writing a song is not not too difficult You'd think that writing a symphony would be a piece of cake Yet we all stood twiddling our thumbs You'd think a writing community would just shake their arms And lyrics would come rolling out their sleaves Yet that seems untrue As we all stood scratching ideas Pen mightier than the sword but eraser still beats the pen Just confidence and some random words will beat the eraser (kinda stuck here. I guess I'd space it: eighth note(beat)-eighth rest-eighth(the)-three quarters(e-ra-ser) syncopated between the beats, crossing one eighth into the next measure. if you know what I mean ) So then here is my attempt my attempt at this songwriting thing that we do so well just to save our face since writing is what we do best Pen mightier than the sword climb into your pens! Find inspiration just inspiration and beat the eraser

So there you were running just running, oh poor you I stumbled, tripped on the threshold in a drunken attempt at arpeggiating with the most awkward timing ever So there you were stumbling your path gone before you To break beat I steadied my gattling to mute So there you were huddling to leave you alone And suddenly spitfire tore up the mud a blastbeat on snares like a rat-tat-tat-thud but blastbeats just tend to get old really fast leaving you gasping in the mosh that amassed So there you are caught with nowhere to go And here I am standing not knowing what - ~~~~ Sound confused? It is. I... really don't know what to think of this. It's not my best, I'll give anyone that. It's stumbling through from sheer awkwardness into more awkwardness. And I guess it's meant to. But I think the awkward is too awkward. The second stanza stands out in that respect primarily. The first line of it bugs me. <- fixed somewhat. Now to see if this will settle. I'm not sure about the last 3 lines. I like them. They're just right. But I don't know if they belong.

And bumpity. Closure added. Satisfied? Meh. I might be revising this at some point. The middle bit is still letting me down. The closing part accomplishes pretty much everything I'd want it to though. It seems more structured than the preceding, which is good. For now: enjoy of it what you can. And of course, feedback is always appreciated.

To refrain from saying the same things that have been said, and definitely have been worth saying: I really like the 'A trap in its own regard' line. (mind the apostrophe there though; it's not a verb, its a possessive pronoun) I can read it in four different ways when combined with the surrounding lines, each of them equally meaningful. Great stuff ^^

Good stuff. I like how you paint the scene around the rain, as opposed to the other way around. Unusual, but it works wonders. The general inconsistent lack of punctuation hampers reading for me though. Either use it to full effect, or don't use it is what I'd say. That may just be me though.

So right. I'm in no good mood, that should be obvious. Be warned, whinage follows. --- I'm crying out my wrenched guts spilled onto uncaring paper The same guts that went topsy-turvy every single time The same guts I should be spilling to you, and only you invite me to spil them The same guts that wrinkle to a shallow shell every time I try Those same guts here they are take them one word, one tear at a time But please let me keep the latter I have so precious few --- That said, I'm at least somewhat satisfied with this, yet the 5th (dare I call it so?) stanza irks me. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated ^^

I should call it a three-part, instead of calling it one. That is, I'm expecting a conclusion will spring up some time, as events and feelings unfold, and meet eachother on some middle ground. Or more likely, just after I get my act together.

And thanks yet again, Katz and Face. Addendum added. Far less pleased with it than I am with the first part though. It seems to defy structure. Especially the last two lines bug me. So be it.

You are absolutely right. Completely missed that. Thank you, and thank you ^^

Out of the blue, you asked me you had me all open, baffled at loss for words stunned You pushed the cart and I had but to leap yet I just stood mesmerised And the cart moved on Thankfully, like the world the wheel spins in circles --- Yet for all my waiting this cart seems to avoid anything constituting anything near my grasp With every moment, passing it fades farther into the nothing that it carries And the cart moves on Doubting, I find myself, if I'll be there for the backswing --- And there I found myself hailing you as you pushed that cart of yours halted Looking in as we spoke inside your loaded cart I seemed too much And the cart is moving on While I stand, watching you go that apology lingering between us

Definately digging it. I like how you built most of the song over the same chord progression, only varying it in the end. Keeping the music low key with the heavy muting is definitely a good thing in my book, but it makes the switch to ringing chords all the more sudden, and maybe a bit overwhelming. With the chorus -even when repeated- being a bit on the short side, it leaves me just getting into it when you lapse it out. It works though, and it might just be my headache talking right now. One thing that does bug me is the hesitancy with which you enter the second verse, both the first couple of notes on the guitar and the complete first line of vocals. My own approach would be to make the first line "like the...tomb" run into eachother smoothly, instead of inserting a rest after 'closure'. This would create a bit of element of buildup, in advance of the chorus. Not to mention variance in something that may be percieved as 'more of the same' after the first verse immediately preceding it. Of course, there's something to say for keeping it in line with the rest as well. Also, I'd cut a measure out of the break in between the two verses. All in all, good stuff. Definitely catchy. I've been walking around with a tune like this in my head since a jam session two years back. This might exorcise it

Awesome atmosphere. It doesn't have a beat, but I can def'nately dance to it. The only quirks I could point out are the end of the second stanza, which sounds a bit awkward to me, a bit forced maybe. I can't really put better words to it. Either because I'm just at a loss, or because all my sinusses are pounding a beat of their own. That, and the very last sentence. Maybe it's just because it ends in a period. Maybe it's because of the actual content. I don't know. It seems a bit contradictory to the overjoyed, almost screaming mood of the rest. It sounds rather matter of factly, to me anyway. Anyway, good stuff, and good to hear from you again ^^

I sit here “doing stuff!” but I have to and I'm going to in a minute

It's never a trouble mate, just a challenge to overcome

NOW can you stop saying you're not that good at the entire writing thing? That said, while it's good, the structure seems a bit haphazard to me. It kindof forms a verse-chorus-verse construction, yet not quite. Also, have you thought about ending the "I am nothing more..." line there, and moving the rest to the next?

It still is a beauty, well thought of, well performed. From memory, this version seems more calculated than the previous, and I'm not quite sure if that's an improvement. Though that might be just my memory playing up on me. A sleepless night spent doing homework tends to deprive of the will to look stuff up. one small thing I'm assuming is a mistake: "I am can..." in the last stanza, 11th line. Keep it up.