Tattered

Wow, I wish I could write like that...That was amazing....

I really enjoyed that, thanks for writing it...

That was beautiful, touching...nicely done.

I’m drivin with one headlight through the darkest night And having your kind of love just left me dry I don’t even know why I gave you my everything I gave you my life You took everything and left my heart to, die Now I’m drivin with one headlight There’s just no sense in trying to fight this My heart still aches why even try to hide it You better believe I am goin to write this My life is poetry and you know it The day you left is the day Love died This is my song and it’s about our love You know that for me love is everlasting Just like the twinking stars above No matter what happens, love’s still twinkling Waiting, slowing dieing….inside crying Images of you and me slow dancing Your perfect body and hands holding me Dreaming of real love you never gave for free Well it only lasted for a short time Then everything came crashing down, down on me There wasn’t an emotion that I didn’t feel I hated you loved and thought I could die I wanted to be your's but nothin was real Intense emotions live deep inside And i'm sure you never even thought twice One day I thought I would surely break free But then I saw you with her, you looked so good You both were smiling you seemed so happy Now tell me, what is wrong with me? I just can't get over you, though I know I should For now I am still drivin with one headlight I am headed towards a dark cold night When you left me, you left me dry I wanted to speak but all I could do is cry You left my broken heart to die Now I am drivin with one headlight

With so much boiling up inside of me, I still find it difficult to find relief. You'd think with all the emotions embodied on my little shelf, I could find the words to express myself. So many conflicting emotions and senarios seem to zip quickly around my head I am left so dizzy thinking what's next and at my wits end by the time I hit my bed This way that way, which way is up and which way is down which way should I go? I am becoming a serious mental case as I contemplate all I really don't know. I try to listen and soak up all my the words of those thoughtful advices But surely there's another way to achieve my ultimate devices I just want what everyone else does, nothing more nothing less I just want a shelter, security, happiness and a minimum of stress Why do my desires feel so out of reach and so dificult to come by? Why can't I seem to stick with a plan and stop changing my mind? Why does it feel like the heavens are taunting me with false inspiration? I felt so strongly the pull of God's hand in my desires' inclination. Yet the closer I get the harder I fall And the faster I go, the sooner I stall I can't seem to find who it is I am trying to be and who I am-I thought I could be I feel lost and found, I feel left on hold, I feel weak and disconnected from me Where are my aswers, where is my strength, where can I find some peace I pray....?

Sorry Didn't mean to post twice, I kept getting an error message...And I don't kown how to delete...

I don't want to eat Last night I couldn't sleep I've entered a world within my mind Where my enemies are the hands of time I made some bad choices as we know But whats mine they'll take n' I can't let go I wish for a miracle, it's death I crave But tis' not me I picture in the grave As selfish as all of this seems Nobody understands what it means Another life beyond this life I hope for the chance to make it right Leave my womb and don't be sad I am sorry I chose a wicked dad I have turned, I'll never go back If only I could make up for what I lack To give you up or keep you here Is emotional death for me I fear I know it's weak and somewhat unkind Already I love you so much, I'd lose my mind Yet I know the strong, healthy family they are If I were strong I would let them keep my star But I fear I'll have given up my last chance To call you my own no more, last glance...

Hmm, so this could be on the surface, a power trip, however I see much more. I could relate this to gambling, does anyone ever really win, eventually they will lose. Could be related to get rich quick schemes, as in the last senario, it would be the reader vs the "power"- the odds, the fix, the adversary. "Come if you will, try your hand. The results are always the same— No one alive in this land Can best me-- that will never change." The part "No one alive in this land" Are they spiritually dead from the never ending struggle to win a losing game? This could be about life on so many levels... Or who know's maybe it is just about how cool you are.

Peredhil, your words and experience hold wisdom and comfort. Thank you again, and always for you kind thoughtfulnes. And yes you are NOT like most men I have met, your candor and expressions proves that.

Certainly has been a long time since I felt loves' inspire The warmth of the touch the swift passing of time All life has brought to me is sweat from the heat of the fire I throw myself in the ring just to occupy my mind I often wonder with deep rooted fear, if love of my own will ever be here Too many troubles to work out a useful solution So many days seem to mimic the days before This life is a Labryinth with out a resolution I give so much of myself, yet I still come up short I have a tendancy to muddle the blessings Gods sweet mercy so charitably sends me If only I could find the pathway to peace and love I would embrace love's face never turn away again Steadily I've fallen only to cry to the heavens above Please love find me, forgive my past sin Knock once more Lord I'll open that door Just reveal the key Lord I'm quite ready for more.

I love you Peredhil, (in an internet friendly way) Thanks for writing this entry, I am sure it inspires anyone who knows you and everyone who is unsure, just like me. I need to "post" more and not fear.

My Daughter turned 5 recently. We threw her a B-day party this weekend. It turned out lovely. The preparations were long nights filled with paint and scizzor and balloons and planning, not to mention the food and treats making. All this done for 2 hours of loud, busy, crowded, smallish children, running around tirelessly. It was hard, but fun and worth it. Right after her party we cleaned like madmen and ran off to her friends 5th Birthday that same day, his party is one of the six parties we've attended THIS MONTH. Exhaustion! Needless to say, we were quite late to church this morning. Although I must admit that I am usually late anyhow. I knew I ran the risk of embarrassment even though all the people are quite nice about it. Even last night I felt apprehensive about attending church and all this morning. I sometimes ask myself "Why are you here?" Not that I don't believe or belong, but that I don't FOLLOW. I am such a hypocrit sometimes. I say to myslef " If you cant follow the guidelines of gospel, even of a club, then why would you chose to be a member of something you cant commit to?" My answer to myself is that I WANT to be like my ideals, I wish and try and hope that I can strive to SOME day SOON be like the inspirational, and beatiful saints around me. Now, our church has 3 meetings and is 3 hours long. This week was the childrens presentation and my daughter was not up there. I felt like a failure, I had let my daughter down. Inadaquit. I didn't have to show up today, by my being there for the 2 other meetings everyone who saw me knew that my daughter was not up there. They are not judgemental, but still people have brains and the make decisions and I am sure they decided, what a bummer, that mom didn't make sure her daughter took part in a wonderful opportuninty. However the circumstance, I had made a conscience decision to be there today. I cannot hide from our God and he loves me still. I must not give up and let my sadness and fears get the best of me. There is hope yet, I hope. Besides I often think that if I could just be and feel the way I do at church on Sunday, everyday, I would have it made. So to make this long story short, I have a question, have you ever gone to church to be a spectator and found yourself curious if the lessons taught this day were written specifically for you and your good? Well that's what happened today, and every Sunday, most especially the ones where I scarcely make it to church. In the second lesson they taught about being a good example for your children, how important it is to be mindful of what your actions show your children about life. I felt uncomfortable in my hot seat. The anxiety of "What have I done to my child?" just felt like a cloak I was wearing. The thing that stood out the most to me was simple story about a tree. [A man plants a tree while it is quite small and thin about an inch in diameter, when he first plants it in his yard. He recalls just how supple it was, when he could simply move it side to side or in any direction with one finger. The man forgot about the tree for a long time, until on day he noticed that is was leaning dramatically to the west. Now the tree had grown and even with the force of his entire body's strength, he could not budge the tree. The tree was now about a foot in diameter. He felt horrible for his neglect, all it would have taken to aid that tree in growing straight is a piece of string. That would have supported the seedling against the wind and forces of nature against it.] This story is easy to relate to small children who need our little examples of love and dedication to protect them from growing off track with out support. The third lesson was about trials. Trials are life. Trials are the refining fire that perfect us. Trials are the tools that chip away, often painfully, the jaged, uneven parts of us, to reveal a more smooth and beatiful person in Gods eyes. I cried really hard in this one. 4 strong women spoke of their amazing trials that they have endured and survived. What cheer they had still, what faith and what love for there God. I began to feel foolish for my trials did not compare. Although, my life when described to those close to me, is a loooonnng trial, the whole way through, still, I have SO many blessings to be thankful for. Thank you God. Thank you. Okay so that was NOT a short story and if you made it through the whole thing I commend you for sticking it out. In closing I just would like to say, that I came home with new eyes. I realized that each time I attempt to reorganize my life to God, I immedeatly think I need to go home and clean and sort, so that my surroundings can be perfect first. But I now realize that it works the other way around and I must not loose cheer and stand tall, right now. Forget what you think your eyes see, and open your heart to the spirit of God so that he might be able to work with you, to bring you more happiness than any earthly thing can. God's know how is so much bigger than right now and physical things, he can light the way for me, leading to never ending peace and joy. I so very often feel weak and unable to give to my daughter the kind of life I have not yet known. I feel like, how can I give when I have yet SO much to learn I am still so young at life, and what a consequence I have brought upon myself by not heeding the word of the Lord in my past choices. Now, I must step into the future for a new life, one small day at a time.

Lately I've been a perfect disaster, Lately I just can't get anything right Just now I missed another appointment Just now I forgot another arrangement My mind is a mess My house is worse My life is crumbling and nothing works At least I am 100% on something Even if it's always failing

Happy Birthday Fellow Libra!!! No WONDER you are soooo cool, so cool that people write poems and loooooong entries about how cool you are. Yes you have the best of all worlds you are a computer geek who wore his hair long and went weeks without washing, YET STILL got what he wanted in spite of himself! You are, you are. You are definatley not just a typical nerd, you are smart, educated, dedicated, wisdomicated, is that a word? Hahaha. Happy Birthday!!!!! I tryed to send you a personal message...BUT it wouldn't go through. So this will have to do...

Ah, you guys are too much. Thanks for the constant support and concern. I would rather have someone critique me or correct my spelling, than write nothing at all Alaeha. And Ayshela, I too looked up the meaning and found it to be close to fustrating, so I used it! Hehehe, although I knew it was not quite the right word...I didn't want to labor over it... Peredhil, Ah shucks, you are always so kind. Thank you. You guys are my inspiration....Re: "nuts and bolts" I'd much rather drive a car that you all constructed than one I threw together...

Hahaha! you are SOO right, I was just sitting there thinking, what the HECK is that word. Lol. Oh well, sucks for me. Just another sign that I shouldn't be writing...

Tattered *shakes her head and finger* Peredhil, don't you know there is only one right and one wrong, with no in between? Good thing you were just afraid and not unwilling to do the right thing. I loved reading this story, you, your life, unplugged. You made some good choices, that's hard to do. I am so glad that the army has men like you, protect and serve! J/K... I have thought about joining before, but Iiiii dont think I am cut out for the job. I really liked how blunt you were with your interviewers, like you thought honesty would make them think you were crazy.LOL. I think you were that "wheel" that God knew you'd be. I can't get over your description of yourself in the 80's, long hair was in, and you must have looked and smelled like a typical dead head. I love it! haha By the way!!!! You and Kerry were married on MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I am having one of those again soon, ya know, like on your aniversary! I am happy for me! :woot:

Seeking inspiration Searching high and searching low Finding exaserbation Running out of new ways to go Trying to be creative If I could just unlock the door Everything's repetitive It's usless, what am I trying for?

Everything around me is scattered and messy What a reflection of my life is lying cluttered all around me The solution I tried to buy at the store was just the thing that I needed But when I searched it was no where to be seen For what I need cannot be bought, yet it is free The perfect shelves to hold all my goods and organize, The items in my life that need a little prioritize, Lie tucked away in dusty corners of a familiar place A place I store so many things that need a space All That I must do is trust, believe and use what I know Seek to find that fixture I'd like to show And place it and all it holds, in a special place in my home. Top shelf would be God, repentance and mercy Middle shelf is for my inward and outward spirituality Bottom shelf begins with all I must rid of and don't really need

Thank you, all of you, I am most honored This poem was not my best. However, I will continue to thouroughly enjoy myself here. I am enthralled that it only took, well less than a month or year to be accepted. *Yay!* ....special thanks to Peredhil, I am sure. Thanks, thank you, thanx. Thanks for the support Ayshela, your a sweetheart. And of course last, but certainly not least Wyvern, I love your stories and humor and everything you write basically. I read other applicants acceptance, just to see what pictures you paint in my head. Those whimsical and mysterious images stay in my head all week. Thanks!

Enough sleepless nights No more pointless fights Had my fill of he said she said Wont let you mess with my head You can keep your drama rubbish I think I've had my fill, enough of it Highschool is over It's time to get sober Sick of all you looser scape goats Don't blame me for your broken oaths I am ready to show my 100 watt smile Face the facts with no more denile Life and time keeps slipping by I know I will look back and cry All that's lost can never be returned What I gave away and what I learned Turn the page to heal, setting pride aside Deciding what I am worth from deep inside Let my vibrant colors shine for all to see Start to believe in the good resting in me Show you my heart and all it's glourious light I can be beautiful, selfless and quite alright God has a plan for me to complete People to love, help and teach I will give not only to receive I will Love even when jepoardy Selling out may seem good at first glance But I must strive only for excelence I will not give in Doubting me is a self defeating sin Honest people are in short supply I must do whats right and don't think twice Stand up for truth fear is no excuse And in the end, I can look back and say,every chance I was given I did what at least seemed right, and that's what I believe in Well that will make my application complete, I hope. I have tried to write something amazing for you in this room, for so long...Yet the pressure ate my creativity alive. SO, I just went for this one...I hope this sufices your requirements and careful eye. Thanks for your consideration.

I am so glad that it all works out for you so conveniently You are so lucky that everything you want comes easily Isn't that great, you got your way, and all you had to say Was nothing at all And look at you now, you have it all, she answers your call fufills your needs I just couldn't figure us out, such an elusive thing Yet, I was beating against the rocks there was just no way heaven never smiled on us,knowing what sorrow you'd bring Something told me not to stay, but it kept trying anyway I am dumbfounded just how simple you make it seem You just bulldosed through me, tell me what does it mean You just ripped me apart, and left me to bleed And before we were through, you made sure you took care of you You had another girl on the side, I knew what you were up to, you can't easily hide Did you tell HER that you told ME you LOVED me when Your phony intentions were to pull a fast one, like wool over my eyes Your smile is so deceiving, but I wouldn't belive your disguse You knew when you persued her, I planned to set you free But you couldn't just talk to me truthfully You had to hurt me, double cross me Your pride and childish need is more important than anything So now that I've healed, I have gotten back to me But, yes sir you changed one big thing You now make it harder for anyone to get trust from me

I read that twice, it was so intriguing. So different. Good stuff. I wonder though, which one are you? I hope you were not the one playing...but I hope that you were not the one paying either...

Ha, I don't know if you changed anything from all those comments, But if not DON'T. It didn't read weird to me one bit. That may be due to the fact that my mind thinks abstract and skips order. But I got it. Every line. I understood and it added to the depth of the poem- the way it was written. Marvelous. Give me more.

Thank you both for your support. It means a lot to me. I know that you both speak from experience and that makes your words all the more potent. Peredhil, once again, your words are sweet. Do you ever just get sick of knowing everything and being right all the time? Honestly, I really do refer back to your words from time to time, for strength and inspiration. Those people in your life with whom you share your daily knowledge, have much to benifit. Thank you. Ayshela, you are too kind to say that I have a knack. I am aware of the things you write, and you've got miles on me, hun. I am glad that SOMEONE out there can relate though. I feel as though I should appologize for just unloading like that. I actually wrote this entry last night, but was debating whether to put it here or not. I guess I shouldn't feel bad for :woot: freaking out sometimes. But you know, I want PERFECTION. Don't we all? I am a little embarrased that you got to read me like this... Oh well. No regets just a little red. Anyway I seriously had THEE worst anxiety nightmares last night and I didn't fall to sleep until 5am when I called my bank to check my balance. Ahaha. It's pathetic, yet true. Everything was just fine so, I slept late and my whole day went that way, behind schedule and irritating. SSOO, "Positive Thinking" Peredhil, on the contrary, works for me as well. I have been just surviving off that stuff for a long time. But yes, it can be a forced effort at times. That's where the whole "I WILL..." comes in. Not I can or I want to, but I Must. I don't leave myself the choice. I learned the hard way, how DEEP the depression can be of negative thinking. So I force myself to like me. LOL. It's true. It works. Thanks again. Maybe my next entry should be in those "Private Chambers"