Tattered

Regenerated When time is up they said Re Energized Simply Throw out old lies Inspired Seek the flight of a high bird Clear my head Clean my slate Close my past Open happiness Open Righteousness Open peacfulness No longer afraid No longer portrayed Forever changed

Confusion is the standard And All clairity is shaddered Body weak and body baddered Brought on by myself, tattered Torn with the whiles of the wind Thrashed by the words from within Some where down the line of defeat I sold out, gave in and lost belief The faith instilled in me lives on Although all my dignity is gone.

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You try to tell me you're different You try to tell me you don't compete But you are always trying to prove something And you are always feeling incomplete My life never turned up roses I never know what the next turn in the road is So you are taking every opportunity To take away from all the good in me Don't lie, I saw your secret poetry How are you gonna say those lies to me? That you don't want to compete with me? Every time I smile you kill my joy Every time Im fine you spill my guilt Like you have to have it better than me When I am original you just gotta out do me Isn't that the way it has always gone? So deep in denile you don't see with the lights on You suck my life's energy Trying to take private moments away from me Why can't all the jealous girls let me be? You don't have to take away from me Just so your life yields up fleeting peace.

Well okay this is more like poetry than a topic for disscussion.. However I honestly started out just writing in essay format, but my brain simply releases poetically. One things for sure this is my true life reality. What do I do? The closer we get to something that lasts, the further away my emotions detach. I curse the emptiness-void where love should preside, but everything real in me I habitually hide. My brain hurts from all sides, all the nerve endings are fried, from the words that replay I'm like a zombie-numb on the inside.Is that your voice chanting I'm hopeless and worthless, or is that mine? I don't even remember anymore who said it or how many times, you make me feel so freaking dumb all the time. Like all I have to offer is my body and grind, Why don't you take a minute open your mind, I gaurantee something more you will find. But just stop it's to late to rewind, we just gotta leave the past there behind, or our sight for the future goes blind. Once you get stuck nothing undoes that bind, like a life ending contract you've signed. So used to the sound everyone keeping me down, Even do it myself when no one to blame is around. Every relationship is the same as the last, I admit this but I'm still so stuck in the past. In a fairytale ideal I'd have dreams that I see, But to repeat fail is an age old human tragedy. I saw you checking my ass and you think I'm pretty. C'mon this is not a case of love at first personality. I'm begining to think that you simply craved the chemistry between you and me. Yeah I wonder when we make love in your dreams if it's even my face that you see. I think that's as deep as this goes for our relationship catastrophy. Every situation for a new relation comes to this painfull realization that it was over before it even left the station. You are blind and you won't ever see me. But don't feel so bad cuz if you came any closer I would make you leave. I was born to suffer, I was born to cry, I was born to be a bad example and then die.

I just had to post a little something. I was rummaging through some old school papers and poetry, notes from friends, pictures etc....and I couldn't help but wonder, have I always been so full of shit? Really. I have always thought I was so intuitive and emotionally intelegent, but I am just another fool. Where did I get off? Sure, I had a tough upbringing. 8 brothers and one scrawny girl ME! No love from my real mom. Lots of confusion, plenty of all types of abuse and neglect. In fact I shouldn't even be alive. But really, I bet I didn't have more than most people have in a life time. The majority of mine just happened to fall all at once in the begining 15 years...Wait it's still happening. Like when all them were done with me, I decided to finish it off myself... I am 22 and I feel like a complete infant. All those years! I don't feel like I can learn enough. When Will I get there??? When will I feel satisfied, loved, understood....? When will I find my niche, my place? Ever? I mean really, I start off really strong and impressive in all that I do, but slowly and surely I tapper off into an insecure and disscomforting oblivion. Just barely coherant just slightly focused and mostly numb. Why? It's like I shut down, loose my point, get lost/confused, and give up. I ALWAYS end up running. Running. That's me. Since day one. I started running and just never stopped, I don't know how to live. Ha! unfortunatly and pathetically I feel like a Forest Gump! SIGH, Man, I have no answers. I know nothing. And I am stuck with no escape plan. But the question I have is about the whole escape thing. Maybe it's the wrong approach entirely. Maybe I need to rethink this. But How? How do I change my ways when I am too practiced being blind to them, my way of life?

You said I could trust you You led me to love you And first time I let you Then everything fell through My heart would not trust you Somehow you broke through Wanted to believe you But true colors came through Not my heart that lies too Blinded I ignored truth You're shallow and fake too desire is not fool proof Real love is missing a screw Same with all who fall into Admit you loose part of you! But you say that you chose to Then when you play the fool They were not meant for you Wait, who proposed to who? Just pretend that we knew The crazy things life brings you If loves guaranteed I'll sue heart's covered with scar tissue No one left to relate to

That was so unique. What an interesting way you have. Addicting, give me more. YES I want to scream! yOu Got it what we want and how we expect it to come to us, IS in fact most often, "different than what you think" How precious your thought process is.

"I've naught else for to give my life for sins I've done What joy, my soul is won I now begin to live" I know that you and I are different people, and your poem's true meaning would not be what it means to me, however, I was touched. I feel like I caught a glimps of your emotions here. Yet I feel a little lost. I like the paragraph just above this one that's how I feel too. Like what I have gone through as hard as it seems, just doesn't compare to the hardship of some. Thank you. That was a unique style.

Wow! Well I would quote to you my favorite line, however there wasn't a line that I didn't appreciate! "Have a dose of incoherency" "Give authority the cold shoulder""Take my life and eat the meaning"Give me something to alleviate My mistakes" I quite enjoy your um..."out-of-it-ness" Thank you. I just read it again....That really can take you on so many levels. YOu muStBe HigHhhh. laughs. Thanks.

We can get so focused in on a certain goal That we loose sight of everything else I sometimes put off living for today Just thinking about how to use strategy tomorrow This kind of thing can happen when we are Paying off a dept Studing in school Working to get promoted Over organizing/ re-organizing Excessive cleaning Building some thing for a better future Doesn't mean that we have to make life a chore Doesn't mean that we have to make those around us misserable Life is just a crazy balance And I am not good on the tight rope I have all the right questions But who, has the right answers???

Dissclaimer: Not really but yeah. I appologize in advance. I just sometimes feel so completly hopeless and happiness is just so far from reach that I don't know what to do with myself. So conflicted, so remorseful for my bad decisions...Sigh. So don't read this. Unless you must. But this is just the self defeating side of me, not the whole me. Honestly, I have been through so much hardship, yet if you told me yours, well I think I would be humbled. Dark clouds accend creeping into my heart Brief spurts of life and light neutralize my blood Change is just out of reach slipping from my grasp Trodden down into the thick, deep mud of dispare The harder I try to stand the swifter I break down Calling to the outside world reaching for relief No one can hear my call, silent to the living Every night my discomfort multiplies as I lay there The only sleep I sustain is filled with nightmares Only to wake once more dissatisfied and unfufilled No one can save me, but Jesus himself No one can change me I am branded with my past When will this anguish subside? When will I crawl out of this pit and into the light? When will I leave my bad carma behind? When will I live out all the ill choices I have made? Is there hope for my future? I am living proof of the remorse and gnashing of teeth I need the savior's love I need the peace from on high Only God can answer my feeble, desparate cry.

How'd you know P, That's exactly what I was doing with this piece. Do you feel the rythm? YOU make me laugh! Histerical! Beatnik!

NOTE TO READERS- I am not completly satisfied with this piece. I don't think I have captured the right emotions here. I think I will revisit this when my head is more clear. I can honestly say I just broke through the denile today. I think about this jerk daily. Maybe that's because he owes me money or that he's best friends with my brother or one of the many reasons why he stabbed me in the back....I don't know you choose. Suddenly it HIT me just earlier today I caught myslef slipping into a world so far away Just sitting all alone, in a crowd or any place Doesn't really matter where, I still can't erase I thought I'd convinced my heart until this day I have to admit my heart speaks what my mind wont say I have visited so many emotions dealing with you From lust to love to joy to anger to blue We just couldn't decide what we wanted to do Finally you set me free, to be with someone new I was so angry I didn't want to care about you Silly me, only love seeds can sprout the anger I knew I keep running through the memories of me and you All the different things that I'd do Can't seem to forget Intrigued with this mystery Just how bad would it get I could've left you gracefully But God knew that's not the way it would be That first day I should've listened as he warned me I wish I never met you all the shit you put me through Thought I was over you I thought you were just a mistake Everything happens for a reason even when hearts break We went from okay to bad to okay But even when we were good something seemed fake God I pray thee from me this history take It was all a show for everyone around to see It was simply to fill the time until a better deal came to be I thought I was done with the pain But each time I try to move on it's the same It's your arms and it's your face No matter who it is I almost say your name

Beautiful! That stark contrast from darkness to freedoms light! I have had times when I felt just the same- shut away, unwilling to shine. Then someone comes along to release me. Too bad it doesn't happen everytime. I am curious to know the story behind this one...

Have you ever considered how in life some of the things That enpower us, can turn into the very things that strip us down And repress us? Love Pride Trust Each of these can grant us perceived emotional strength beyond Measure. But quickly, how fragile we fall. Easily we puncture When the insecurities of Fear Doubt Envy Falter our peace and impead our progress. We are not immune. When we are lifted up for the false saftey and support Of these things we can suddenly and painfully meet the instability of The human condition. Dare not to rely on another, and Miss a once in a lifetime opportunity. Allow to be made vounerable to another, and Give away power that can be missused. So many times I have lost my footing left weightless in mid air, my soul at risk, my life a shambles. But what has changed? Only my preception only my feeling and only My emotion. I have been broken. I have been made the fool. I have felt beaten and fallen on my face. The next, first step seems Impossible...could this be centered around Pride? As imperfect creatures we search Searching endlessly for the part where life's ambitions make Sense. We all come to the point when we realize nothing matters As much, when no one is there to share it. The stakes are high. The statistics, comfortless. The task essential and inevedible.

From the first word to the last you had my undivided attention. Not perfect form, but more so like the human form, you wrote from your soul. Very touching. Natalie

This piece reaches me. I seriously feel the same, all the time. I hoped I wasn't the only one feeling crazy-inperfect. Thank you for introducing this place to me! I am Fallen Star from OD. I really like the feel of this place. I will catch you later. Natalie

Like a single drop of rain From a quiet moonlit sky Separating as it meets the ground Evaporating shortly there after I feel translucent to the world I am isolated and alone Completely torn apart, misunderstood Every effort to improve, dissapates As the morning dew burns off into the day I feel spurts of anger that soon float away Constantly revisiting my secret fustrations Exhausted from the simplicities of living Crippled, I run twice as fast to keep up Betrayed in every opportunity for trust So afraid and so confused Which direction is up? No recognitions for my feeble efforts No relief from my shattered existance So tired from this gainless battle

Want so much to protect you from the negative So you will feel good about the life you live Keep you strong, safe and warm from the outside Show you how to stand and believe and strive Teach you how to walk upright Know when to let go and know when to fight The past I had haunts me by night and by day Afraid I've lost the connection to my heart with things I say How can you forgive me when I am just not ready to live Everyday is a battle and I just have nothing left to give "I'll never do THAT with my kids" they always said Then tapes just replay you can't escape your head Too bad I can't protect you from myself I just can't place my lurking anger on the shelf I only wish and pray to God for my anguish to heal The better side of me is dormant, waiting to reveal Can't be mommy, daddy, friend and teacher Can't be provider, domestic, mentor and confidant If I only had more time and money If I only had more patience and sense If I only had more energy and love If I only.... I would give it all for the love of you Please believe that I truly truly do Before you fell from heaven I never lived Before I held you in my arms I didn't care what I did Before you the sun didn't shine Now I remain forever inadequate in my mind