SoaringIcarus

Hello. I do enjoy the form of this and the choice of rhyme. Though I'm not as well-versed in rap as, say, Wyvern, for some reason this reminds me of certain rap. This can be a bit cryptic, but overall, good, for being druged up! I always encourage writing/creating while sick or in different states of mind-- sometimes you can get some great stuff, when you least suspect it. Write on. -Icarus

Falcon2001-- Nice images of rebirth. It reminds me of an orange that is rotten on the outside, yet still juicy inside, and of a phoenix, all at once. I can tell you're a video game fan, with the reset-button reference, and that's awesome. It's definitely something this audience in particular can appreciate. Nice theme. It's something I can relate to. -Icarus

Rhapsody, Great flow and imagery, I'm impressed. I really have nothing more intelligent to say than: This rocks. -Icarus

Mira, I'm surprised no one beat me to commenting on this entry, because it's rather good. Ah, the eternal struggle between the introvert and their natural desire for at least some social contact. A few suggested corrections: Capitalizing the "A" in And, in line two. Stanza 3, last line: By society's. Stanza 6, "Human beings" (no hyphen). Second to last stanza: Perhaps end with a colon and not a period? Last stanza, first line "Bottom-most" A hyphen would be appropriate there. I really enjoy the theme of this and only selfishly want more imagery, to fill in the blanks. This could even be expanded to something larger and longer, perhaps. Nice to read you. -Icarus

Greetings, Vlad. Long time, no read. I did hear a little bit of Dylan in the back of my head, but I quickly pushed it away. This is good. The third stanza feels to me like it needs more. If I were given godly permission to alter it, I might consider a different word than "joys" or maybe rework the meter. Nice re-broadening of the mood of the poem, at the end. Nice to read you again. -Icarus

Greetings, Xaious, Master of Thyme (kidding!) Despite my slight disagreement with a few of the messages, I think this has lots of potential to be a song. I can tell what your message is in the line "Teach over kids in classes", that the teachers would teach down to them, not on any similar kind of level, but I feel flow is a bit interrupted. Perhaps in stanza three, you mean to say "Bombs destroy the innocent."? And maybe at the end of that stanza, "American bullets never miss" instead? Just a thought. The last few lines are a bit unclear to me. America is refered to as 'our god', and then the line "Control for your team" is a little confusing. It's misleading to refer to America first as a god, and then as our team. If anything, rising action might be what you want here. Keep writing. -Icarus

Nice, Ayshela. I really liked the flow of the first 1.9 stanzas, (only because I'm not the biggest fan of slant rhyme). And we're back again in the third stanza with the same flow and advancing action/imagery/etc. The last two stanzas seem to me like the message is a little bit cloudy for the sake of maintaining the rhythm and rhyme that was established earlier. The image/message of broken shards of the mirror, in the last three lines, are interesting. Did the mirror break before? Was it always broken? And if so, could the author, in retrospect, trust the image it portrayed? Lots to think about. -Icarus

Oh, bloody. This was of course meant for the Banquet Room, but I also consider it a general announcement, so do forgive my devience from the Pen-established themed rooms. ( viva plasma-dragon )

So, you feel powerless. It's all gone wrong, when you were having A Walk In The Park. These Things Happen, You Know. But those are no words of comfort. You've been kicked in the teeth, my friend! And it's hard to feel like holding the grin for much longer. It hurts, And you'd laugh! when they say Grin and Bear it-- But that would show your teeth. So that's out. Be a Man! So you tried punching some guy Who... Well, he punched you back. Hard. You couldn't blame him really, He was probably just following the same advice. It's your car It's the internet It's the SIMS expansion pack It's other people It's service without a smile, It's It's transitory. "It's the transit-system!" It's transitory. Be as cynical as you like about it. That much, I expected of you. Go, be cynical, I'll wait. You can pull through this, I know you will. And where you once thought you left slug-tracks, You'll see your grinning face mirrored By an immaculate floor. -Icarus

Icarus smiles from beneath his ski-mask and thick cloaking layers as he exits the class stealthily. He wonders if anyone else always wanted to role play as a supermarket employee... Best not to ask that aloud, he thought to himself.

Very nice, rev. I'm going to have to agree with the song sentiment, because it truly reads like a song. It's got the rythm, the twists, and the meter for it. Ever listened to Darren Jessee's solo guitar stuff, or any Elliott Smith? Reminds me a lot of them; you might like their style. I can easily see/hear this as a song with acoustic guitar accompaniment. Song writing is not an easy thing to do, and, although it may not have been your aim, you've got a knack for it. -Icarus

I was afraid this would happen. I suppose I did get a bit punctuation happy, ala E.e. Cummings. Allow me to at least explain the following stanzas: The first line of that begins as an end from "If you weren't okay", completing that idea while also serving as a beginning. The girl asks "Okay?" And depending upon the context, that can be a question or statement of many sorts. That is why the author's responses are separated by slashes, for the different meanings "okay?" might have. Hence, "[i did not know what to say.]" Here's a complicated idea. Alright: Think of a dictionary in looking up a word that has many possible usages, for example the word "up". To display the many ways in which this word may be used, examples will be written, excluding the word itself... I.e. "Throw..." (and where there is an elipses, 'up' can be substituted to derive meaning) or "Wake..." or "Speed..." or "Give..." or "Look..." You get the idea. I suppose I overestimated that everyone on here is as dictionary happy as I. Now. Substitute "know" in each non-bolded elipses to have "I know." "Don't know." "You know" Then, like a letter-scramble, put "know" in the bolded elipses only and you have "I don't know you." The biggest message. And for extra symbolism, incase we didn't have enough already, 'no' within the word "Know" is italicized as a final response to "tell me if I'm okay." The answer is no. Those were the most unusual stanzas I believe. The rest of the poem I feel is self-explanatory, but formed rhythmically, like the halting voice of a man with a fever. Nut shell: Man who is 'not okay' because of his fickle lover who distances their relationship by being increasingly formal with him. He feels as if he's being forgotten and indirectly trivialized. You don't believe in mirages until you see one yourself... He's beginning to feel as if he hasn't been real all along. -Icarus

Whisks Zariah away for a brief hug before Nyyark starts glaring at him Heh...Heh.. Gives Zariah an exhuberantly friendly handshake I know what you mean, Zariah. I used to hang around Paul Spring's Retirement home all the time when my Oma was still alive, and there was a very distinct and irreplaceable pleasure one got from the grateful look in the eyes of an elderly person after simply playing a game, or what have you. Tears begin to well up in Icarus' eyes as he thinks of how ungrateful he's been to all the swell elders here at The Pen. He grabs a jar of apple-sauce and a spoon, and begins to hunt down Peredhil, with a giant grin.

Tell me if I’m okay Don’t know if I’m Okay Put your hand on my forehead Your palm on my cheek …don’t Know if I’m okay Cold sweat: Shivering through a hot pad. Your fulfilling embrace; Piercing look Falling sideways, We won’t show Eachother our dirty jeans. No you wouldn’t tell me If you weren’t "Okay?" "I'm not. / I understand. / I don't know if you will be. / I guess." [i did not know what to say.] I don't see your beat-up Shoes anymore. Unbrushed hair Anymore. How long till I can't see your face anymore? Just the makeup you put on To defend kisses From me in unclean jeans. Not okay.... It's not okay, no matter how pretty you make yourself Look, I won't be. Scripted blinks in blue eye-shadow Kick me out onto a dusty road: You will soon ressurect the beat-up shoes While me and my unclean jeans Fade out as mirage. "Know": '[i... / Don't... / ... You...] '

I wouldn’t tell you, Under blossoming trees and pulsating shadows Of the petals collecting in your hair. You continued speaking With lively gestures While the sunlight caught your smile, And I dared not interrupt The construction of cities Beyond your irises. I wouldn’t tell you How spectacularly radiant you were And how The petals that grazed you Had only just begun to live.

Zariah-- This poem is about a relationship gone very gradually and mind-numbingly stale. The sort of example I had in mind was a marriage. The narration is that of the husband's powerless but aware conscience: he sees his wife as the embodiment of mediocrity; as nothing more than a life-sized doll adding to his piece-meal concept of happiness. "If I have a wife, two kids and a golden-retriever, then I will be happy." was this man's concept of happiness. He has come to despise his wife in realisation that she was nothing more than convenient for him. She has no emotional or mental depth, and is as fleetingly materialistic as her husband was concerning long-term happiness. Unconsciously the husband knows this and outwardly dares nothing more than aloofness. The similie to cheap china (Think Precious Moments factory defects) personifies those personality flaws in one of his wife's trinkets. It is cheap, and she probably hasn't looked at it since she placed it in a window-sill years ago. She thought it was cute when she bought it. All of that is a direct metaphore to the manner in which her husband married her. The last stanza shows that the husband, although aware of the numbing relationship, is too guilty and too much like his wife to do anything about it. He was right, he did deserve her. In fact he's so much like his wife, he feels himself going emotionally blank; any passion for life only festering away beneath a shroud of apathy and self-inflicted imprisonment. The dust of neglect: from his wife and himself. In the last line, he has become her. The lifeless marriage of a couple, dead to themselves and eachother. Who says you can't have too much in common? -Cynical Icarus

Greetings, fellow Pen-lings. I'm almost finished with my Walden-type seclusion in the forrest, but just wanted to poke my head in. :woot: And thank whoever is responsible for the PLASMA DRAGON! This place looks pretty hip and I look forward to being back her on a more 'full-time' basis. I've briefly borrowed (Ahem, temporarily stolen via Nyyark) Peredhil's copy of Poetic Justice, and I just wanted to say NICE WORK to Wyvern, Yui and all the other people who contributed to it. [british Accent] Frankly I find it most acceptably "TOIGHT!" [/british Accent] I've missed the Pen. My writing hasn't really gone anywhere since I left, so you'll have to forgive me my initial suck-period before getting back into the swing of things. See you guys in a few weeks. Until then I'll be watching. -Icarus P.S. Nyyark/White-Rose-Osama/Peredhil: This emoticon was exposed to spoons for only 3 seconds! SPOOOOOON GUUAAAARD!!

Reminds me of when we grew bean sprouts in plastic cups with wet paper-towels in 5th grade. Don't let the ol' bean-seed cavity get ya down. -Icarus

Very nice work. For me, this poem reflects on the the tail-end of winter in the middle of the night. That in combination with the author's feelings, well executed. And although you might not have intended it, your non-poem introduction fits rather nicely with it. Same mood. It's a rare thing I like to call "Genuine." Congratulations, -Icarus

I like how you grouped your lines, with a mind to question mark placement. Definitely gives a different angle on the attitude of the poem. -Icarus

How incredibly quaint. The meter serves the author's voice very well. It makes me think of the innocence of grade-school valentines'. -Icarus

I like Wren's comment-- I get a fatherly aura from this. A fine song. Makes me think of the Jellyfish (the band not the sea creatures). So nice to read you again Peredhil, but sad to hear that things aren't improving. I look forward to reading more of you, as always. -Icarus P.S. Sorry for unintentionally hogging Poetic Justice, I'll return it as soon as I can.

Nice Vlad, old friend. Sure, I don't mind basking in weirdness for ya. *over-dramatic wink* *Hops atop his PLASMA DRAGON! on a quest for The Fountain of Weirdness.* -Icarus

Personally I like the 'over my nose' line, like I could see you gesturing to it, while your eyes are distant and wondering. Just adding to the thought pool. I enjoyed how distinct the author's voice was. -Icarus

The last line leaves me caught at a fork in the road. The passion he the author, or a former "loved" one forgot to include? Or the passion you never permitted yourself? Write on. -Icarus