Preprise

crapuhm, I just remembered, I have something I have to do. I'll call you. *runs away*

I like it. It's about a certain degree of pain but not cliche or overly sentimental. Edit: Sorry forgot to check your profile, (would be nice to not have to and have the info handy, ahem) Anyway. The main emotion I got was intrigue then understanding. Followed by curiosity and satisfaction.

I know you didn't suggest that. Just wanting to reassure you.

take a bath

I'm not judgmental.

There's no point, it says nothing. Is it like a meditation? Just a musing? This may be the seed of an idea but it hasn't gone anywher yet. Same sort of problem but it's better, at least theres a character. This sounds like it's the beginning of a story. The other stanzas would expound, know what I mean?

Takes a step toward the over-sized lizard, leans forward near its twitching scaly ears and begins in a hush -tell you what Lizzy, you don't mind if I call you Lizzy do you? The lizard hisses -All right Lizzy, I'll buy your trash on one condition. I want to be published in your dirty magazine. I want to publish a 6 part series I've been working on called The bliss of monogamy and the christian lifestyle: a step by step guide. Publish that in your dirty mag and I'll buy 50 geld's worth of your almost dragonic junk. Whadda ya say Lizzy? Steps back and grins at the over-sized iguana.

Your clout and the unbearable weight of heavy wind sucking worn old trails and inroads or imagined selflessness clutching the noose of a soft illusion Feed from the threat, suckle its nipple nuzzle the mouth of the warm canon When new roots lift an atrophied gate seeping through the torn wreckage the freight train remembers a haunting ration of fear Derailed at the fleeting moment of truth freed from the threat that cleanses the breech It releases the shores of deep dreams

borad?

thanks, I'm rather proud of this piece

In your profile you say: "I want to know what people like and don't like about what I've written." I didn't like much really. ellipsis points drive me up the wall, they always come off so... affected . The whole thing reeked of adolescent self loathing and depression. Not a subject that turns my crank. Too predictable. I did like the mischievous twist where you hope to escape and grab a few winks. It was sort of amusing. More of a rant than a finished piece.

Angry Horse I am a fear you hide I am the fire inside I am a wicked wind I can't lose I can't win I am a bruised bliss Yet I am more than this I am the earth shaking I am giving and I am taking away I am a warrior's rage I am the burning stage I am a wicked wind I can't lose I can't win I am a buried fist Yet I am more than this I am the bone breaking I am giving and I am taking away I am an angry horse Set me free I am the matador What do I do this for?

I'm intrigued, PM me then.

35

I'll volunteer for giving crits if you want. I'm a designer and i give and receive crits on a regular basis so...

oh and you might find what you're looking for here.

I haven't slept in 36 hours please type more slowly, I don't understand the words that are coming out of my screen.

your breath stinks

You're right about the rhyme, hmmm... I'll mull over that. Thanks.

Sure, I'm in. BTW, I don't mean harsh for the sake of harsh but un-varnished is a better word.

I wrote this one recently. This is where I currently am creatively. I'm moving towards further encryption of my work. I've challenged my entire creative process. Turned it on it's head. What I do is I write stream of consciousness. No censorship. My only goal being to purge thoughts ad emotions. However I do impose one rule on myself: push towards non sequitur. After this I begin to analyze the expressions but from an emotional point of view. What am I trying to say? What's wanting to come out? Then I begin manipulating the work to allow it's message to show through more clearly staying true to the tonal qualities. The result is my most raw feelings carefully encrypted. The works are crystal clear to me but require a fairly high degree of intuitive decoding for the reader to fully appreciate. Once the reader begins to reveal the message a process of satisfying discovery ensues. That's the theory anyway. This is very new to me and I'm quite adamant in pursuing this. But your comments on your reading experience is appreciated as well as any suggestions. Don't be insulted if I don't apply your advice. I'm going somewhere with this. May not be good but I want to take this as far as I can take it. Just hoping you'll take that journey with me I guess, and help me arrive at port. Weep Without Learning my exoskeleton defying the rebel I stare down the bait sordid cover in haze beckons the burning fast I stare down the gate the coaxing pledge of skin and streaming video I unleash the gun escape is not an art and the trigger is sweet I unleash the gun lust heavy, the breath chokes on lurid chemistry I dig out the bone delayed, my wetness leaks the searing mushroom flares I dig out the throne erupting in cloaked moans I submit to lava I bury the veil yield to ounce upon ounce need outdoes desire I bury the trail beyond the aftermath I choose my covenant I will burn the bone and weep without learning

Thanks a lot. I've been in the creative field both professionally and not for 15 years and I appreciate your candid comments on my work. Poetry is still and more than likely shall remain a hobby of mine but I really do enjoy improving my craft.

you're right. The flower metaphor is lost when I'm using flowers to compare. She is wilder than the flowers. So now the flowers are out of the picture, so subtle strength now sort of floats conceptually, anchored to nothing. Is that what you mean? Cause that's a really good point. If I gave a better clue in the title as to what this is about it might come cleaner then? I'm working on other projects with tight deadlines but as soon as I get a chance I want to toy with this. Thanks again.

I thought of another issue, why does the torchbearer require assistance? The connotation I get from the word torch bearer is one of strength. Not saying change it, just that I'm intrigued and confused. Not all together bad. I prefer when things aren't perfectly easy conceptually. anyway...

Thanks got me thinking. I did notice the disembodied voice in the second to last verse. I'm somewhat troubled by it also. Just not sure how to handle it at this point. How about this I pause to clear my mind of thoughts Makes it clearer it is the author speaking? I agree with everything except your comments regarding the subtle strength. I think it's quite clear how a flower can have subtle strength. You made me think big time about the fact that this might be too abstract. At the point where I wrote this I was going through a creative shift towards further encryption. Thanks for your exhaustive study of my poem. I'll definitely take a closer look at it and if I do choose to make changes -more than likely I will- I'll post the update.