Orlan Posted April 21, 2003 Report Share Posted April 21, 2003 Okay, for those of you who had read it thus far, I'm looking for a little input. I know where I want to go next, and I know how I can get there, but I wanted a little bit of space in between to give the reader a pause. Because of this I'm looking for input as to what YOU would want to see or hear to find out happening. So, if you have any ideas what you'd want to know more about, or maybe get one of the characters to explain, or see an interaction between two or more people (they'd have to be on the same side though) speak up and have your voice heard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted April 23, 2003 Report Share Posted April 23, 2003 Utterly random thoughts about this so far. 1)You should do scenes like the first scene more often. Those are cool. 2)I really like the way you show many different people's perspectives on the seige. 3)Donaxon's calm manner rocks 4)I'm curious about Coania. I hope you plan to tell us more about her. Her meek talent appeals, and I always like to see people forced to give their all, so she strikes me as a challenge almost. Fascinating idea that one can't try one's best so that one can fail. It seems like a plan to fail. 5)You've already sadi that we will get more Gluake sometime, but I'm glad 6) Ciran was far from the first thing Kisean wanted to see when he woke up, though. 7)Are Kisean's bracers going to matter? 8)I wish Vasia luck with her antsy assassins. 9)Are those two who tried to attack the girl going to get tied into story again? 10)Yay for stories that are fun to read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted April 25, 2003 Report Share Posted April 25, 2003 Orlan, I read what's been written of this so far and am liking it even more than "Final Death," which I thought was awesome. Your characterization remains superb, and the sheer number of eccentric and individual characters established in this first post is amazing. One reason I think this story is a step up from "Final Death" is that there are no "good" or "evil" sides set up in it (or at least not yet). There are characters in both the House of Zoran and the Defenders of Agregra that we can relate to... Currently, if I had to choose one side to root for, it would probably be the Defenders, since Lord Avoil of the House of Zoran came off as one of those ignorant "women are inferior" types (nice reoccuring theme from Vestat in "Final Death", that). Having said this, however, Coania is currently my favorite character... her flaws and timid nature really allow us to relate to her. Fortunatly, there's nothing forcing us to choose a side, and I'll be rooting for characters in both... ;p I also noticed that the beginning of this story is leaning more towards "introspection mingled with action" than "action mingled with introspection". Obviously there's going to be lots of battle, since the title of the story suggests it's based around a siege, but I think that never the less we get loads of introspection and personal habits/feelings from the numerous characters in this introduction... A big plus in my book, since I personally like reading introspective stuff over detailed battles. I also really like how the changes of perspectives flow into one another, it makes for a very fluid read. Some things I might like to see happen: - Some more info/scenes for R'Tearin. We're briefly given a description of his manners and appearance from Coanin, but have yet to actually see them in action. - A scene involving Coanin and Ma'aten, to see just how crappy a teacher the latter one is. - I'm curious of seeing Vasia's reaction when she learns that Donaxon is part of the opposing force, since it was mentioned she was trained as an Uri-Van. - I think it would be interesting if Ludia ended up being correct in her assumption that her archaeon was a more valuable asset to the battle than Donaxon, as despite lacking his level of skill their loyalty made them more formidable in the end. That's all for now... can't wait for the continuation of this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted April 28, 2003 Report Share Posted April 28, 2003 Wonderful! i should really be in bed now, but i couldn't stop reading. i'd second all the stuff said above, and note one other thing: unless i missed it, we never *did* find out what R'Tearin had to say about Donaxen. and a side note regarding him also, Ludia's attitude toward him seems inconsistent with her general attitude toward men. Is this intentional? Is there a history here which would illuminate the reason - for her attitude toward men, her attitude toward him in particular, or both? and purely personally, it's a darned shame it wasn't Ma'aten squished under the section of wall. :-\ Excellent characterization. i really like the way we get to know each character as "real people". And now i'll go join the lineup of people eagerly awaiting the next installment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted April 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2003 Yay more is up and I got sunburned writing it. LCD screens are horrid in direct sunlight. Thank you thank you....I'm a friggin genius...I know I know...anywho... The polls are in and the votes are closed, everybody loves Coania. Coania, Coania, Coania. She's a fun character and, as Donaxon has already seen, she's got herself some potential. Trusting Ciran -> It's up to your judgement reall, but I know when I wake up late the last thing I want to see is the person who I was supposed to be taking the shift over for And as for the new part, we can see that Kisean's breacers truly DO matter. And hurt for that matter Introspective vs. Detailed Battle -> I have no clue how an actual siege would work, the battle stuff, so don't expect tons of detailed information on those. I LOVE individual fights though, as can be seen all through Final Death so expect a few more of those. Plus with characters like Donaxon, Ludia, Vasia and Kisean....you need to have a few fights. The hardcore fighters are always the most enjoyable to read about, R'Tearin will come into play later. He won't be given as much background and detail as the main six charaters but we'll see things to explain. If I go into detail about everything I'll become the next Robert Jordan....and I don't want to write a million pages for a story that should be 100 Coania and Ma'aten Scene. Done one, prolly be more. Vasia and Donaxon will find out about one another, that is sure About Ludia being right in that her archaeon is more important.....there is probably not a good opportunity for that anywhere yet. But who knows....maybe. Ludia's attitude will become more prevelent...as will her appearances in the next part of the story. As will Vasia and Gluake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted April 28, 2003 Report Share Posted April 28, 2003 Okay, i'm awake now, and the percentage of blood in my coffee stream is back down to normal. Now that my brain is working again... RE: the seige - i don't think we really *need* a lot of detailed information about how that battle goes, though there are a few aspects left untouched. As i understand it, in a seige the most basic strategy is to surround the city and cut off all supplies, starving them out. If there is no incoming food, medical supplies, weaponry/supplies, the defenders will weaken and eventually lose the city. That is more complicated in a situation heavy with magic. We've seen concerns about holding the people's tempers/nerves in check for months when the seige may last many years. Yet we've seen no concern about food supplies. Is that because there are large reserves within the walls? Is someone skilled in a form of magic will conjure food for the people? How about weaponry? The men on the wall have been told not to waste their arrows. Good advice in any situation, yet how much more so in a seige? Once the arrows are gone, is that final? Or is there a mage within the walls who can magically provide arrows for the defenders? *Is* the city self-sufficient? Or is there a weakness which a seige can exploit to good effect? RE: the duel - very well written. i found myself being somewhat surprised that Donaxen didn't have a way to deflect the sniper attack. Such action on his part would have been inarguable proof that the attack was not of his doing, and that he *is* an honourable man. i'd LOVE to be a fly on the wall when he has it out with that dishonourable, sniping, yellow bellied, son of a wart-hog mage, AND when he returns him to Ma'Aten. Should we be finding it significant that Ma'Aten's "best" *is* dishonourable and treacherous? and finally - okay, okay, yes you're a genius. now can we have the next installment? (giggle) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted May 25, 2003 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2003 Woohoo, another update. It's easier to write when you have time....isn't that strange? Anyway, read it, lemme know if there's things you want answered, or if there's still scenes you want to see, or whatever. I pretty much have the architecture laid out until the end, so I'm free to put in things now and then. Anywho...enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted May 26, 2003 Report Share Posted May 26, 2003 Woot!! i'm reading in reverse order tonight or i'd have already found it. YAY!! another installment! Guess who's going to be up late tonight reading? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted June 12, 2003 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2003 And another chapter out. The last part of this felt a little off for me so I'll probably rewrite it in a few months when I look back on it, but aside from that I thought it was a good part showing off Ludia's skills and abilities, and also Ciran's. But get ready for next time I post because I will be showing you Donaxon at his most hardcore. And as always lemme know if there's anything you want to still see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted July 7, 2003 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2003 Okies, just a little update this time and this time for a reason. I'm looking for some feedback on the scene with Donaxon and Ludia where he tells her what he knows. Was it believe able? Do you think a paladin would act like that? Is that what you would have done had it been you? Why do hot dogs come in packs of ten and hot dog buns in packs of eight? And so on and so on... Anyway, if you read it lemme know what you think. I go sleepy sleep now though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted July 8, 2003 Report Share Posted July 8, 2003 Frankly I felt this whole segment was a bit thin, I think because you didn't quite layer as much of the descriptive stuff that you usually layer in. As far as what happened I found it very reasonable. Presuming that Donaxon can't do it alone, an honest paladin even a somewhat bitchy one is certainly the best person to turn to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted August 13, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2003 Well it was a long summer, but I made it through. Sorry for the late update, I had so many problems trying to get the new scene to work. I still don't fully like how it is but I got around it so I won't worry about it until I go back and go over this story again (which will be when I'm done with the next one). Hopefully since School starts again soon I'll be back to more regular updates. Though there's not THAT much more to be done with this story. Though the final battles will probably be longer then I think lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted August 14, 2003 Report Share Posted August 14, 2003 I'm sorry to say I haven't read it up to now - I suck. Anyway, I still haven't read it through (I am re-stuckoing my back wall) but what I can see is that it could use a little editing, but daaaaaamn that's good! You rock! I will read it through at my first opportunity, and report with notations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted September 4, 2003 Report Share Posted September 4, 2003 I still love this story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted September 5, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2003 And the story loves YOU too, Gwai! And now that our living room is almost refinished I can start working on this again. It will be soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted November 26, 2003 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2003 For anyone reading The Siege, if you notice a part where I give gender to Zrethet or Grothean (call them he instead of it), lemme know. I wanna get rid of that, I think I got them all but sometimes I miss a few. Oh hey, it's almost done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted November 30, 2003 Report Share Posted November 30, 2003 I should really read this. I think I will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted December 3, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2003 And it;s done now Happy reading anyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted December 4, 2003 Report Share Posted December 4, 2003 loved it .luv you. cant wait for another tale *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted December 19, 2003 Report Share Posted December 19, 2003 Orlan, So, I recently read through "Siege of Agregra" from the beginning to the end... Here are some of my thoughts on it, as promised: Overall, the story definitely gets two thumbs up from me. It once again held my interest the whole way through, and I think it may even be better than "Final Death" in the long run. Having said this, however, I also feel that the story is somewhat less balanced than "Final Death." I think that at it's best, "Siege of Agregra" excells far beyond "Final Death" in terms of quality, but at it's worst it's less interesting and lacks the excitement of the previous story. Fortunatly, I also think that the good outweighs the bad by a large margine. Some things to compliment: 1) Characterization. The characters in this piece were all brilliantly depicted, and I felt that a much broader spectrum of characters was touched upon than in "Final Death." The huge number of distinct, individual personalities present in the piece really made it an excellent and intriguing read. No two characters were really alike, which is amazing considering how many of them there were. Coania, Vasia, Ludia and Ma'aten were a few standouts, but my favorite character in the end would have to be Kisean. With his noble attitude, inherited weaponry legacy, and genuine concern for others around him, I was rooting for him the whole way through. Near the end, when he was about to sacrifice himself to save Coania, I was completely on the edge of my seat! 2) Detail. You seem to have a knack for using very original and interesting details to keep the reader immersed in the story. Things like excellent descriptions, comic nicknames ("Lady Leather!"), and little eccentricities (the example of Ludia's always having trouble taking off one belt strap on her back when getting undressed comes to mind) really drew me into the story and kept me thoroughly entertained throughout. 3) The plot and conflict. I felt you really went a step above "Final Death" in layering the conflict of the story in a complex manner. I loved how there were heroes on each side of the battlefield, and how the true enemy rested in the demons waging war. Since I didn't want characters from either side to kill each other, it made for a very tense and exciting read. Also, the way that the conflict is structured seems to make the piece more intelligent to me, as it almost seems to speak out against war by making both war wagers the true villains. Another thing that I like about the plot, which I also really liked in "Final Death," is that it's all resolved so nicely in the end, with no tragedy and just a genuinely happy ending. It leaves me feeling very happy and upbeat after I've finished. 4) Dialogue. Your uses of dialogue between characters are really excellent for the most part. I loved it when, after a night of contemplation, Ludia exited her tent and Donaxon asked "I take it you believe me?" only to get the response "No... I believe in myself." Also, I thought it was awesome how Donaxon constantly twisted the wording of Avoil's orders to his advantage, and the part in which he defended Vasia and Kisean under the excuse that it was a "conflicting order" was one of my favorite scenes. In fact, that would probably be my #1 "bad-ass Donaxon" scene of the story, since he pretty much epitomized coolness in that moment. 5) There were a number of memorable scenes in this, but a few that stood out to me were the afformentioned "conflicting order" scene, the scene in which Zrethet attempts to free himself from his bonds by corroding Ludia's self-confidence (my favorite battle scene of the piece, extremely tense and exciting), the scene in which Jiklan denied Coania the privelege of going with Donaxon's party (I gritted my teeth when that happened, and was very pleasantly surprised to see Jiklan actually helping them at the end), and the numerous introspective scenes and moments sprinkled throughout. But then, as you know, I've always favored internal emotional conflict over external physical conflict. So then, it's obviously a great story overall... Now, some things you could potentially improve: 1) The June 12th entry of the story, where the demonspawn are first introduced. This segment is probably my biggest complaint in the story. Unlike the other installments, I felt that in this one things were happening a bit too fast, to the extent that the pacing actually detracted from the excitement rather than added to it. The first appearence of a non-human creature in the story shocked me, and I wanted to know more about it. One way to improve this might be to add some introductory scene where demonspawn are summoned, though that might ruin the gradual surprise. You could also add in more thoughts and internal reactions from the characters towards the spawn, since as it stands the paladins just sorta shrugged them off and killed them. Also, while I like how you introduced Ludia's power in this segment, I thought that it was somewhat overused here. It seemed like Ludia was sitting down and having tea with Faowind every other line, and you might want to tone down her prayers just a bit to give them more of a sense of heightened importance. The manner in which the greater demon attacking the walls of Agregra died in this segment also confused me a bit, and seemed a bit over-the-top even in the context of gargantuan demons and fists that shatter city walls. Ciran's firing a magical arrow at the monster was excellent, no doubt... it was the magic bubble of water that surrounded the demon and caused it to implode that seemed a bit excessive to me. Anyway, my principal suggestion to improve this segment would be to draw it out a bit more and give the reader more moments to breath and simply intake everything that's happening, since a heck of a lot's going on (no pun intended). 2) Battles. Don't get me wrong, battles are a very good thing. I know that you have a particular fondness for battles, and this shows through your excellent, detailed physical descriptions of what's going on in each. However, there were times when I was left wanting something more from them, something internal. What is Kisean thinking when Donaxon pushes back his halberd with his chi in their first fight? How does Vasia feel when she blocks the three strikes of one of the puppets and realizes they're more skilled than expected? I feel that if more emotions were added to a number of the battles, they'd become much more exciting. The final struggle with Zrethet is a great example of this, since we have both an external and an internal conflict going on with Ludia that makes it really exciting. 3) Misheal. You might want to introduce her as a character earlier, as she seems to suddenly appear at Donaxon's side and we're not really given much of an introduction to her. I might suggest introducing her briefly in an earlier scene, and expanding on her character a bit. 4) A few other things of minor concern, though not insignificant: - While you do a really, really excellent job with showing rather than telling for a large majority of the story, there were a few moments of unneeded telling that you might want to do away with (example: the repitition of "this was not good," after it's already implied by the thoughts of the characters) - As I mentioned before, you have a very keen eye for original and significant details that keep the story interesting, but there were one or two spots where the details were original but not significant to the story, which you might want to either get rid of or make significant. (example: Orto the advisor having a "sweet tooth," which is never actually shown in the story) - I'm just as guilty as you of this, but try to avoid overrused expressions and sentimentality. (example: "'Well well well,' Kisean said as he walked down to stand next to Donaxon and Coania. 'It seems like people are having a party without me.'" See also: any page of "Gaze of Eternity" ;p) Anyway, I'm once again astounded by your excellent story weaving ability, Orlan. You mentioned earlier that you were considering expanding upon this piece for publication, and I'd definitely encourage it. Another awesome story from the original bard of Terra himself. Hope these comments help, Wyv- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted December 20, 2003 Author Report Share Posted December 20, 2003 Woohoo! Feedback! Thanks again for readin Wyvie, I appreciate it and all the comments. Just a few things I'll say back that will help explain some things: Misheal - I tend to make up my mind for main characters before I start and then make up characters as I go along, she's one I made up and (like Severath, the Royal Guard captain back in Final Death) I often make them at an odd time otr too late to personalize them in a real an clear way, but that's what re-writes are for! (and helpful feedback like yours) Battles - Yup, and that's been something I've been working on. IT's alot better then it was The problem is that when I write a battle I tend to get into the battle and get excited about it, thus I tend to write faster so that I can get all the ideas out in my head for it. Pacing myself is something I need to learn more of Still, I keep that in mind for re-writes Most of the other stuff was right on and part of a growing list of things I need to refine But all feedback is helpful.. Anyway, thanks again for reading and such, it's always good to be able to talk over ones writings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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