Blondemoon Posted March 20, 2003 Report Share Posted March 20, 2003 twisted little serpent telling me your lies hissing in my ear all the things I wanted to hear. deadly little spider spun me in your web so caught up was I didn't feel the bite until I was already dead. howling through the ether my spirit is unquiet deep well of rage uncovered lashing out with tooth and nail meaning of hate discovered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted March 20, 2003 Report Share Posted March 20, 2003 I can appreciate the concept of venting through writing rather than upon others.... suggestion: In the second stanza, death is used in two forms and perhaps one could be replaced with a synonym to give a more powerful effect... Just a suggestion..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 20, 2003 Report Share Posted March 20, 2003 ooh! ooh! Read the "Just my nature" lyrics in Poetic Justice in the Library. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blondemoon Posted March 21, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2003 twisted little serpent telling me your lies hissing in my ear all the things I wanted to hear. lethal little spider spun me in your web so caught up was I didn't feel the bite until I was already dead. howling through the ether my spirit is unquiet deep well of rage uncovered lashing out with tooth and nail meaning of hate discovered. After stewing on it for the better part of a day, I took Zariah's advice and used a synonym for one of the death words in the second stanza. It was actually a tough call...I was really tempted to use toxic instead of lethal. And if words are going to come pouring out of me like they did with this one, I really should get upset more often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted March 21, 2003 Report Share Posted March 21, 2003 Hi Blondemoon, I enjoyed this a lot. I like the way the metrical pulse of the first two lines of every stanza punches the poem forwards. I think the substitution of 'lethal' works well here too. Thanks for posting, C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted March 21, 2003 Report Share Posted March 21, 2003 Yey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kokuryuu Flameshifter Posted March 22, 2003 Report Share Posted March 22, 2003 I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!! :woot: NICE BLONDEMOON! -Ryuu :dragon4: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted March 22, 2003 Report Share Posted March 22, 2003 Very good poem, Blondemoon... depicts the angst and rage that often evolve from lies and treachery in an abstract manner. Interestingly enough, when I first read this I immediatly associated it with a recent speech by a certain president, mostly because of the date it was posted and the title of the poem... But then, I have this annoying tendency to read things too politically some times. ;p Once again, well done! P.S: As Peredhil said, you may want to check out "It's of my Nature", written by M.C Scarub and archived in the "Poetic Justice Companion" thread located in the library. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted March 23, 2003 Report Share Posted March 23, 2003 Well done ...This one hits a nerve too close to home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Silverblade Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 Very nice work. Very powerful. Thank you for sharing Blondemoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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